Crave Me (The Good Ol' Boys #4) (29 page)

“It’s too late. You’re too late. Just fucking go. Get out of my damn face. I can’t look at you when you’re like this anymore. You make me sick. Get those people out of my fucking apartment. Now!” I yelled, letting my anger take over.

I looked back at the little girl. She didn’t seem fazed. Which only made me realize she was around this a lot. My heart broke for her even more.

“Our apartment, Briggs. Our fucking apartment,” he stated, making me peer back at him.

He had an expression I couldn’t read. He tried to reach for me again, but I just turned around not saying another word. It was pointless to talk to him right now. I walked toward the little girl, turning my back on the one person I had ever loved.

I heard him take a deep long breath before he walked back inside, shutting the doors behind him. I wiped away the tears on my face that seem to keep falling, absentmindedly rubbing my stomach. I couldn’t remember if I had eaten at all that day. I sat down next to her, grabbing a color pencil to help.

“This is beautiful, Molly.”

She smiled and it lit up her entire face. I didn’t understand how someone wasn’t taking care of her. She was such an innocent little girl.

“Where are your parents?”

She shrugged.

“So, who did you come here with?”

“My daddy.”

“Where’s your mommy?”

She bit her lip, grabbing another color pencil.

“Maybe we can call your mommy to come get you, do you know her number?” I coaxed, pulling out my cell phone.

She peered up at me with sad eyes, and I swear on everything that was holy I thought I was looking in the goddamn mirror. Like it was me as the little girl, staring back at me as the woman.

“My mommy died. She’s with the angels now. It’s just me and my daddy. He will find me.” She smiled. “He always does.”

I jerked back like she had slapped me across the face.

My life flashed before my eyes, the past, the present. She went back to her drawing as if what she had just told me didn’t change my entire future.

Everything that I so desperately wanted, now becoming everything I could never have.

I gently rubbed the back of her head, wanting to touch her soft hair, to look at her baby face, to take in the little girl that I would never have.

At least not…

In this life.

It had been well over a month since the party. Since the night I royally fucked up. Briggs still wasn’t talking to me. She barely fucking looked at me anymore. It was like I disgusted her. Every time I tried to reach for her in bed and pull her into me, she would move away. I would try again, hoping she would give into me, but she would just get up and go sleep on the couch.

I didn’t stop trying though.

I never would.

It didn’t matter what I said or what I did. I failed at every attempt to get my girl back. Every last one of my efforts were shot down.

I hated that she was so pissed at me. It was the worst fucking feeling in the world not being able to make things right. I hated seeing her so depressed and not being able to bring her back to the light.

Bring her back to me.

I should have never caused her darkness in the first place. I knew the kid was there, but I was so fucked up, it just didn’t register. I wasn’t proud of it by any means, but shit happens. I would think she would have been a little more understanding. She used to do all these drugs with me. It was never a fucking problem until it was. I couldn’t even remember the last time she actually partied with me. She didn’t even smoke weed anymore.

I went out with the boys one night, hoping that if I gave her the space that she obviously wanted, she would maybe miss me. We could work this out and have things go back to the way they used to be. I was so fucking depressed because my girl wouldn’t even fucking glance at me, let alone talk to me. I just wanted to forget the hurt I felt in my heart from the dagger she was fucking stabbing me with.

I wanted to get away for a few hours, just kick back and have a few beers. I promised myself that I wouldn’t get high.

I would be better for her.

Instead I found myself at Jon’s place and one thing led to another and I ended up trying crack for the first time. I had no excuse for it… other than for a few short hours it took away the pain. The hurt I felt deep within my soul was numbed. I was able to forget that she was upset with me.

That I may have lost a piece of her heart.

At first I turned it down when Mitch said he had some rock on him. I wasn’t much for uppers, I mean I did blow and shit, but that was only to wake up and come off the downers. Oxys were still my drug of choice. The boys started smoking it and it smelled so fucking good. I couldn’t say no. Before I knew it the pipe was in my hand and not even three seconds later I felt like I was the king of the goddamn world. But it wasn’t my cup of tea, like I said I wasn’t a fan of amphetamines.

I got home late as shit that night, but I always went home to Briggs.

No matter what.

She was waiting up for me, lying on the couch, wrapped in the blanket that I had made for her. As soon as she saw me walk through the door she released a visible breath, shut off the light, and turned her back to me to go to sleep.

Not uttering a word.

As much as I hated that she did that, it was better than having her see what state of mind I was in. I thought I was in the clear, but drugs make you do very stupid fucking things. I would never lie to her.

I was just omitting the truth.

When I came home the next day after doing a few runs, she was sitting in bed with my jeans in her hands. The same jeans I wore out the night before.

I knew what was coming next. I knew what she found, but it still didn’t prepare me for the hurt I felt in disappointing her yet again. The girl that meant everything to me.

Absolutely everything.  

“I thought I would do something nice for you today,” she said in a desolate tone, breaking my goddamn heart even more.

“Baby… let me—”

“Let you what? Explain? Apologize? Lie—”

“I don’t lie to you,” I stated, grabbing the back of my neck. Looking down at the floor, feeling guilty as hell.

“Right,” she sarcastically laughed. “You only lie to yourself.”

I was over to her in three strides, sitting in front of her on the balls of my feet. I grabbed her chin and she tried to pull away from me, but I gripped it harder. Making her look at me.

We finally locked eyes after what felt like fucking forever. For the first time her eyes weren’t a bright shining, color of blue. They looked sad. Swollen from crying and sleepless nights. They were hollow, even though I could still see the love she had for me hidden behind the emptiness.  

“You haven’t said one word to me, Briggs. Not one fucking word in over a month,” I stated the truth.

“And that’s supposed to make this okay?” She held up the pipe she found in my jeans.

I must have placed it in there after we stopped smoking. I didn’t even remember doing it.

“All I’m trying to say is that I fucking miss you, baby. I miss you so much that I can’t breathe. I can’t function without you.”

“I miss you too, Austin. I miss you more than you’ll ever know.”

“Then why are you doing this to us?
Us
. Briggs.”

“How do you not see it? How can you be so fucking blind? You’re always fucked up, Austin. I don’t remember the last time I saw you sober, that’s how bad this is.”

“That’s not true,” I said, shaking my head.

“Really? What are you on right now?”

My eyes widened. “Pain pills. What I’m always fucking on. What I’ve been on—”

“For pain! For fucking pain! How many have you taken today? Ten, fifteen, maybe twenty? What does it take for you to not feel pain anymore? It’s not about the pain!”

She roughly tore her chin away from my grasp, looking deep into my eyes.

“It hasn’t been about the pain in years! It’s about you being high now. It’s about you being fucked up! How you can’t see that is beyond me!”

“Jesus Christ.” I stood, peering down at her. “Do I not function? Do I not fuck you good anymore? Do I not make you come enough? Am I not bringing in the money? Huh? What am I not doing? I take care of you! I’m not sitting around just doing fucking drugs, Briggs! I’m not a fucking junkie!”

She stood up, right in front of my face, pointing her finger into my chest and spoke with conviction, “No, Austin. You’re just a fucking addict.”

She turned around to leave before I had a chance to respond to her allegations.

“Baby.” I grabbed her arm, turning her to face me.

She immediately shut her eyes as if it pained her to look at me. I reached up instead, holding onto the sides of her face, willing her to open her eyes for me.

“Daisy,” I lovingly coaxed.

I only ever called her that when I really needed her…

To look at me.

To talk to me.

To listen to me.

To feel me…

“I love you. I love you so fucking much. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I fucked up. I know that. But baby, I’m not an addict. I don’t have a problem. I can stop whenever I want. I just got caught up for a minute okay? That’s it,” I explained, caressing her cheeks with my thumbs.

Praying that she would believe me.

“Almost four years, Austin,” she murmured loud enough for me to hear. “Your minute has turned into almost four years, babe.”

I grimaced, backing away from her.

Had it really been that long? No, she’s wrong.

My mind was spiraling, trying to find some clarity. Some truth within the haze.

She opened her eyes and they mirrored more fear, more worry, and more love than I had seen in forever, like she was answering the questions that immediately plagued my mind.

When did she start looking at me like that?

Neither one of us said anything. We said it all. The silence was deafening all around us. The air was so fucking thick between us. That I couldn’t breathe.

She was the first to break our connection, as if she could no longer bear to see the man staring back at her. I didn’t stop her when she turned to leave this time. I stood there and watched the love of my life walk out the door, terrified that she wouldn’t ever come back. I couldn’t will myself to move, my feet were glued to the goddamn floor, the ground swallowing me whole.

I collapsed onto the edge of the bed, my legs no longer able to support my weight. My inner demons were taking over.

My worst fears coming to life.  

I cradled my head in my hands. My mind was racing, my head was throbbing, and my heart was breaking. Every last part of me left with Briggs through that door.

The picture frame of us on the nightstand caught my attention. I reached over and grabbed it, remembering the day we took it. She was so happy, so beautiful. She had so much life in her eyes. So much light that I put there.

“When did we lose our way, baby?” I whispered to her face in the picture.

My fingers skimmed along the glass, all around her beautiful face. My eyes blurred and sobs tore through my entire body. The truths crippling me in ways I never thought possible. Before I knew what I was doing, I had my hand in the air, chucking the frame against the wall in front of me. Shards of glass crashed to the ground in an instant.

Mimicking my soul.

A separate small square picture caught my eye. I got up, my feet moving on their own accord toward the shattered frame on the wooden floor. I pushed away the broken glass holding up a black and white picture.

It was then I understood.

It was then I realized.

A sense of calm instantly came over me.

I held my entire future in the palm of my hand.

I felt as lost as I did back before Austin came into my life. I almost found myself driving to the Brooklyn Bridge to seek solace, clarity or something, anything but the pain and sadness that had taken over and made itself home in my heart. Instead I just drove around aimlessly, hiding underneath the hoodie of my sweatshirt, leaning my head against the window. I was locked away in my own thoughts, my mind held captive by the feelings and emotions that were spilling out of my soul.

Out of the little voice in the back my head.

The one I had been trying to ignore for the last four years. The one that wouldn’t fucking go away no matter what I did or told myself.

I was a prisoner to the memories of the man that made me fall in love with him. The one that protected me, made me laugh, made me smile.

My friend.

My everything.

No longer the carefree girl that lived and thrived with all of her heart. That smiled and laughed all the time. The girl that was alive and not dead inside.

I no longer felt whole, complete, or safe.

I didn’t want those memories to be just a time in my life where I lived in a fantasy because now...

Now this was my reality. 

I hated that feeling more than anything.

Loving Austin had always consumed my every thought, my every desire, my every want and need. None of that changed, it was just in a very different way now. Ways that I barely understood, ways that scared the hell out of me and made me feel alone and lost. I was beginning to hate life again, and I had no one to blame but myself. I let him in, I let him love me, and I also let him destroy my heart. I didn’t know how to find my way without him. He was the reason I found it in the first place.

It physically pained me to watch the emotional detachment of everything I said to him. All the facts within the lies he was telling himself. Like time got lost for him. The days. The months.

The years.

As if the drugs had taken control of his very being. Including his heart.

My Austin disappeared more and more as time went on.

I couldn’t find him through the haze. Not yesterday. Not today. I could only pray for tomorrow. A new day may bring back the old Austin. All I had left was wishful thinking.

I parked my car in the parking garage, noticing that his hadn’t moved from the spot he left it. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous about what I would be walking into. Which Austin would be there… the good or the bad?

The one I loved with all of my heart. The one I still saw behind all the lies.

Or the addict that I loved though wanted to hate. The addict I just wanted to save. 

I opened the door and was immediately assaulted with a fresh clean scent. I peered around the open space with wide eyes and a confused expression. The apartment was spotless, not a thing out of place. The bed was nicely made, complete with the throw pillows Austin hated.

What shocked me more than anything was there were no drugs in sight. All the usual places cleared off and wiped down. My hand went to my mouth in complete and utter shock. This must have taken him forever.

How long was I lost for?

I continued to take in what appeared to be a dream before settling my gaze on Austin, who was dressed in black slacks and a blue, collared button-down shirt. His sleeves rolled up, showing off his tattoos.

But it was his eyes that caught my immediate attention.

They were bright blue again. I couldn’t remember the last time I saw that color. No longer tainted by the dark, dilated glare.

By the haze.

By the drugs.

My heart instantly leapt out of my chest, profusely pounding against my ribs. Crippling me as I made my way over to him.

There were candles lit on the dining table, trays of covered food waiting to be eaten with champagne chilling in a bucket of ice.

“What’s all this?” I asked, taken aback. My hand now placed over my heart, trying to hold it together.

He stood, rounding the corner of the table, stopping with only a few inches of space between us.

I smiled. I couldn’t help it. He looked like everything I ever wanted. Breaking through my resolve and hatred.

Austin.

He placed his hand on the side of my face, using his thumb to caress my cheek, as he had done so many times before. I could smell the lingering scent of cigarettes that I had come to love over all these years.

I got lost in his eyes, in his gaze, in the way he was looking at me. Devouring me with his stare as if it were the first time he ever laid eyes on me. With the same depth he showed when I was dancing in Miami six years ago. It was the look that melted my heart and made me weak in the knees. The same look that brought my walls crumbling down.

“I’m so sorry, Daisy.”

“Austin—” He placed his finger on my lips, silencing me.

“I know I keep apologizing to you time and time again. I know I may sound like a broken fuckin’ record at this point. But I swear to you on our love, on the love that I have for you so deep within my bones, that I’ve always, always meant it. That it’s always been true.”

My lips parted, trying to steady the beating of my heart that I swear he could hear.

“I don’t know what happened, baby. I wish I had a better reason for you. A better explanation after all this time, after everything you’ve been going through. What I’ve put you through. I’ll never forgive myself for that. I’ve been racking my brain the entire day trying to figure it out.”

He took a deep breath, trying to gather his thoughts. His emotions.

“I got lost. I got so fucking lost with the lifestyle. The drugs. The parties. I don’t know how I lost my way. It just took over. It was almost as if I was an outsider looking in. Every time I told myself I’m not going to get fucked up tomorrow, I’m not going to give in, I was doing the drugs before I even realized it was already the next day. It took control.”

“I know,” I breathed out.

He shut his eyes, the pain of my words too much for him to hear.

“It’s why I didn’t want you to take over in the first place. I’ve seen what happens, I’ve seen it my entire life. Men come and go in this business, some are lucky enough to walk out the door.”

He opened his eyes when he realized what I implied.

“I thought I lost you, Austin. I thought you weren’t going to come back to me. That the drugs, money, and power replaced what we had. I thought everything we shared was—”

“Shhh…” he whispered against my lips, gripping the sides of my face tight.

I leaned into the warmth that I’d missed so damn much.

“That won’t ever happen. I promise you that I won’t ever, ever make you feel that way again. I will never let you feel alone again. Nothing can take me away from you. I swear to you. You’re my home, Daisy. You’ve always been my home, my heart, and my soul. I didn’t start living until I met you. I’m so fucking sorry, baby.”

I took in every last emotion he was giving me. Letting his words that I so desperately wanted to be true, take over.

He kissed me, lightly beckoning my lips to open for him. They did.

Feeling him.

Loving him.

Needing him.

“Everything is going to be different from now on. I promise, baby. We can go. We have more than enough money. Let’s escape this life, escape the sadness that this life has brought on. Make new memories. We can start our life together. The one you’ve always wanted and the one I’ve never stopped wanting to give you.”

Tears streamed down my face. I wanted to believe everything he was saying.

No more lies.

“What? You mean it? We can go? We can start over? Somewhere else… somewhere far away from here?” I asked, question after question not knowing which one I wanted answered the most.

“I’ll go wherever you want. As long as we’re together, that’s all that’s ever mattered to me,” he rasped in between kissing me.

He rested his forehead on top of mine. Never breaking our connection.

Our love.

He looked deep into my eyes with more sincerity than I had ever seen before, like his soul was staring back at me.

“Marry me.”

I tried to jerk back, but he held me in place by his grasp.

“What? What did you just say?”

He rubbed his nose back and forth over mine and spoke with conviction, “Marry me, Daisy.”

I released the breath I didn’t realize I held, my hesitation bringing me back.

“Are you serious? Are you being serious right now?” I wept, my tears covering his hands.

“I’ve never been more serious about anything in all of my life. I love you more then anything on this earth. Marry me.”

I wanted to say yes so fucking badly… but so much had happened between us.

He smiled, kissing me all over my face, wiping my tears with his lips. Taking away all the pain that had lived inside them for so many years. He stopped and my body slowly slid down his until my feet touched the floor.

“You’re my girl. You’ll always be my fucking girl,” he stated with his own voice breaking.

He kissed me passionately, our tongues taking what the other needed. His grasp still tightly placed on the sides of my face. We kissed one last time, long and true before he pulled back to look deep into my eyes again and said,  

“You’re going to be the best mommy to our baby, Briggs.”

My. Heart. Broke.

Again.