Crave Me (The Good Ol' Boys #4) (42 page)

We locked eyes.

Seeing each other's truths for the first time in two and a half years.

“Yes.” I nodded. “I can’t run away from you again. It almost killed me as much as it did you, the last time. I need to say my peace and walk away this time.”

“I’m going to rehab tomorrow. For the next six months. I’ll be there getting my shit together. Getting my head out of my ass and back in the real world. I guess both of us have some healing to do," he stated, grabbing the cup of water on his bedside table and taking a drink.

I didn't falter. “Why are you going to rehab?”

He narrowed his eyes at me, confused.

“Is it for your parents? Your friends?
Me?
At the end of the day you need to go there for you, Austin. Your recovery, your sobriety. It needs to be something that you want, not what everyone else wants for you. If you don’t want it, if your head isn't in the right place, all you’re doing is wasting everyone’s time. Especially your own. See, I learned that was the biggest problem in our relationship. You always got better for me, for us. Never for you. As much as I hoped and prayed that it would be enough, it wasn’t. It never was. I can’t want it for you. Your parents and friends can't want it for you. No one can. You have to want it for yourself.”

He took in every single word that came out of my mouth. Listening intently. I could see it in his eyes, he knew I was right, and that gave me hope for him.

“I saw you.”

I lowered my eyebrows, cocking my head to the side. Not understanding what he was talking about.

“With Esteban.”

I grimaced, jerking back stunned. “What? How?”

“Do you love him, Daisy?” he asked not answering my questions.

Staring deep into my eyes, willing me to answer him truthfully. Now was as good a time as any to get out what I've been holding in for so long.  

“I went back to New York after I left our home. I lived with my uncle in the same penthouse I hated growing up in. I stayed there for a little over a month, trying to stand on my own two feet but still stumbling every time I stood. When I was ready to be on my own again, I moved into another condo he owned in Manhattan. I ran into Esteban at the park one afternoon, a little over a year and a half ago. It was nice to see a familiar face when I still felt so fucking lost. We went and grabbed some coffee together, and I ended up pouring my heart out to him. He sat there and listened to our sad story for three hours.”

I shook my head, remembering that day as if it happened yesterday.

“He was different but still the same, if that makes any sense. We exchanged numbers and said our goodbyes. For the first time in my life I had a friend that wasn’t you. One night a year ago we drank a little too much, and one thing led to another.”

He immediately shut his eyes, the hurt evident all around him. Radiating deep into my core. I hated knowing that I was hurting him. I hated knowing that he was probably craving to use. But I needed to tell him this. He needed to know.

As much as it killed me inside.

“I’m not saying this to hurt you. I swear the last thing I want is for you to leave here and go use, Austin.”

“Do you love him, Briggs?” he repeated with a hard edge to his tone.

“Does it really matter?”

He immediately opened his eyes with a pained look in his glare like I had never seen before.

“Is he the cause of your makeover?” he accused, taking in my new appearance. “You’re not mine anymore. You’re his.”

I bowed my head not knowing how to reply. What was the right or wrong answer? I just shook my head, looking everywhere but at him.

“Did you hear any of my messages? Did you know how much I was hurting? How much I looked for you, like I did the first time you left me in Miami? I saw you everyday, Daisy. You may have not been real, but I still saw
my
girl. My Daisy. It was the main reason I used so fucking much. I stayed high to be near you.”

Tears streamed down my face, the ones I had been trying so hard to keep at bay.

“When I saw you with Esteban, it literally almost killed me. I died standing there watching him touch my girl, kissing the lips that I claimed as mine a long time ago. I’m not blaming you for my piss-poor decisions. I never meant for any of this to happen to us. I wanted to give you the world, Briggs. Everything you never had. The house, the white picket fence, a million shitlins running around the yard,” he chuckled, leaning forward to catch one of my tears.

“I love you more than anything in this world, baby. I lost sight of what was important. I fucked up, and I can’t take that back,” he paused, his voice breaking. “I’m no good for you. At least not right now. I can’t keep doing this to you. I love you too fucking much to not let you be happy. That’s why I OD’d. You deserve to be happy with or without me. I have to let you go even though it’s the last thing I want to fucking do right now.”

I wiped away the tears from my face, feeling like he just ripped out my heart and stomped all over it. I couldn’t fucking breathe.

“But none of that matters now. I have to let you go. Set you free. I love you. I’ll always fucking love you,” he added, making my heart explode.

I nodded unable to form words, but it didn’t matter because there was nothing left to say. We said everything that mattered.

I stood, turning to leave. He instantly grabbed my hand, pulling me into his arms. Before I even realized what was happening, I was sobbing against his chest with his strong arms wrapped around me, feeling him cry too.

“I’m sorry, baby. I know you hate those words, but I’m so fucking sorry for everything I put you through. I put us through. I ruined us when all you did was try to save us. Losing you will be my biggest regret in life. I love you so much, and I need you to please never ever forget that. Please…” he begged in a tone I had never heard from him before.

“I love you too, Austin,” I bellowed as he held me tighter.  

I stayed there in his arms, both of us knowing this was our end. This was goodbye. I pulled away first, and he wiped away all my tears, kissing all along my face for the last time. I sucked in air that wasn’t available for the taking, standing to leave. His arms falling to his sides, empty. I made my way toward the door, trying like hell not to look back at his broken expression.

I didn’t want to remember him like that.

“Daisy,” he called out as I walked out the door.

I stopped, waiting on pins and needles for what he was going to say.

“Where did the name Briggs come from?”

I chuckled, grateful that he was trying to end this on a good note. For the both of us. I spun to face him.

“She’s Twilight Sparkle. It was a doll with bright purple hair that my parents wouldn’t buy for me. I was holding her at the grocery store the night they died. Her name was Briggs,” I said, for the first time.

I had never told anyone where the name came from.

“It was the last time I was happy, so I took her name.”

He smiled, taking me in.

Every last expression.

Every last movement.

Every last word.

Wanting to remember me anyway he could. I did the same. Giving him one last, beautiful smile. He caught it in the air and placed it near his heart. Exactly how I knew he would.  

I turned back around.

And left.  

“Hi, my name is Austin Taylor, and I’m a drug addict,” I announced like I had done at every NA meeting I attended.

Except this one was different.

“It’s been six months since I took my last hit in a warehouse downtown, where I OD’d. I actually died that night.” I let out a nervous chuckle, rubbing the back of my neck. “This is my last day in the facility, and I’m receiving my six-month sobriety chip tonight,” I paused, while everyone around me applauded.

“I can’t say this has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. This time it’s been different in every aspect. The first time I was in recovery for four years. Trying to find solid ground when everything was shaking around me. I got sober for my girl. I stayed sober for her. I went to therapy for her. I worked through my steps for her. I went to meetings, and talked to my sponsor, I did everything for
her
. Not me. I was a ticking time bomb during those four years, waiting to fucking explode. Until one day I did. Spiraling out of control.”

I peered around the room, gazing from the boys, to Alex, to my parents. Everyone who loved me was there, hearing my story for the first time.

Except, the one person who mattered.

The one person I wanted.

“In the end, I lost my girl. I hit rock bottom the day I figured that out. My therapist tells me that I have never been able to talk about my emotions, and that has been the cause of most of my problems. Here’s the thing, I’ve always wanted to fit in. With my family, with my friends, with the people that have always mattered the most to me. Never realizing that I was slowly causing my own demise. Tearing rifts between the people I loved. When you’re young, you think that you know everything, and that was one of my biggest downfalls,” I paused to let my words sink in.

My mom smiled and winked at me, giving me the courage to keep going.

“I’m scared every morning when I wake up. I have feelings, emotions, and memories that I struggle with on a daily basis. I’d self-medicated to numb the pain, to not feel anything anymore. Look at it this way, I was a human garbage disposal. Blaming my problems on everyone, but myself. I’m not proud of the things I’ve done. I’m more ashamed than anyone could possibly ever know. I’m learning to forgive myself. I’m learning to love myself. And for the first time I’m here, wanting to get better for me. I want it. I need it. I deserve it.”

Alex wiped a tear from her face, smiling at me.

“All I can do is take it one day at a time, and ask for help. Thank you,” I smiled, stepping off the podium.

Everyone stood up and applauded as I made my way down the aisle, toward my family and friends.

My mom was the first to hug me. “I am so proud of you, baby.”

My dad shook my hand. “You did good, son.”

“Bro, that was some deep shit,” Dylan praised, patting my back.

“You really did amazing, Austin. We’re very proud of you,” Aubrey added, pulling me into a hug.

Lucas, Jacob, and Lily were next. They all congratulated me, and headed to the refreshment table, leaving Alex and I alone. I pulled up a chair next to her, flipping it around to sit on it backwards.

“That was amazing. You’re an inspiration,” she stated, smiling.

“I didn’t sound like too much of a pussy, huh?” I laughed, trying to get a rise out of her.

“I always knew you were the strongest among the boys, Austin.” She nudged my shoulder.

“I don’t know about all that, Half-Pint. None of them are fucked up.”

“I do. To come back from everything you have been through, and admit your defeat. That takes more courage than anyone could ever imagine.”

“You sound like my therapist. I should just hire you, instead of paying out my ass for the one I have,” I said jokingly, making her laugh.

“I have something for you.” She reached into her bag, pulling out what looked like a book. “I met Briggs for lunch a few days ago. She’s doing great, Austin. She looks healthy and happy.”

I nodded. “That’s good to hear, Alex. Thanks for telling me.”

“That’s not all.”

I cocked my head to the side, arching an eyebrow.

“She told me everything.”

“Everything?” I replied, caught off guard.

“You protected her, Austin. From day one, she was all that ever mattered to you.”

I rubbed the back of my neck. “I guess she did tell you everything then. I’m going to tell them all eventually. My therapist and sponsor know already, but I’m not ready to remember all that yet.”

“I understand. You can tell everyone when you’re good and ready to. I won’t say a word. I promise.”

“Thank you,” I said, feeling more at ease.

“Did you know that she liked to write?”

I took a deep breath in and slowly blew it out. I hadn’t really talked about Briggs with anyone other than my therapist.

“She loves to read, Half-Pint. I honestly think she’s read every romance book out there, twice. She loved living in the fantasies, experiencing what she never had. I knew she liked to journal and stuff. What’s this about?”

“After you took over for her uncle, she started writing one day. As things progressed with you over the years, she started writing down memories and her feelings. She said it was her way to cope with what was happening to you. It helped her, Austin.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

Alex looked down at the book in her lap, handing it to me a few seconds later. It was a black hardback with the words “Crave Me” written in silver lettering. I glanced back at Alex still confused.

“It’s your story.”

I jerked back. “What? You fucking with me?” I shook my head in disbelief.

“She told me that after she’d left you, her therapist recommended for her to put all the entries together from over the years and add to it. It was a way to realize her growth and how far she’s come. It started off like her therapist suggested, but it took a life of it’s own. She ended up writing your love story.”

My eyes widened. Shocked to the core from what she was telling me.

“She thought reading it, might help you heal like it helped her. She wanted me to tell you that you don’t have to read it, but she wanted you to have the very first manuscript. It’s been picked up by a publisher, Austin Briggs is an author.”

My hands started shaking, knowing that I was holding Briggs’ soul under my fingertips. Alex stood up and I followed suit.

“She also wanted me to tell you that she was proud of you,” she relayed, pulling me into a tight hug.

I kissed the top of her head, held up the book, and told her thank you, smiling at her as she walked away. I wanted to leave. I wanted to go lock myself in my new room and read Briggs’ book from start to finish. Anxiously waiting for when I would be alone to do just that, but my parents were walking towards me. They were taking me to dinner, and then dropping me off at my new “sober living” facility. I told them I wanted to continue living in a controlled environment. I wasn’t ready to be on my own yet. Not ready to step out into the world where temptation and triggers were all around me. I’d be staying there for another six to eight months, more or less.

“You did so great, honey. We are so proud of you,” Mom praised again, kissing my cheek. “You’ve come such a long way, but you still have a long road ahead of you. We will be by your side every step of the way.”

“I know, Mom. Thank you.”

And I did; I wasn’t cured by any means. She lovingly nodded, excusing herself to go use the restroom.

“Your mother is right, Austin. We will always be here for you,” Dad agreed, bringing my attention back to him. “I’ve made so many mistakes, son. More than I care to remember. I keep telling myself that if I would have let you go to art school, if I’d let you become the man you wanted to be, if I hadn’t—”

“You can’t do that, Pop. I’m the only one that’s to blame for my choices. No one else. You did what you thought was best for me, like I imagine any parent would. I may have not seen it that way back then, but I know that now.”

“Briggs made me realize at the hospital how much of a shitty father I was. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you weren’t good enough, Austin. You’re my greatest accomplishment,” he confessed with tears in his eyes.

I’d never seen my dad be anything but the solid man he always was. I wasn’t surprised in the least that Briggs spoke her mind. She always did. It was one of things I loved the most about her.

“I love you no matter what, son. If I could go back, I would change a lot of things, but you’re right, I can’t. I can only move forward and I want nothing more than to build a relationship with the man standing in front of me.”

“I would really love that, Dad.”

He pulled me into a hug, and I actually felt my father’s sincerity and love. For the first time in I don’t know how long, I felt like everything was going to be okay. That my life was going to get better. That I was going to get better.

Even though my future didn’t include Briggs.