Craving Redemption (39 page)

“Holy fuck.”

I started laughing at the horror in his voice and startled Will who immediately popped off my nipple and started wailing.

“Sorry, give me just a sec!” I practically yelled, trying to get him latched back on. When he was finally calmed down, he started suckling loudly and I giggled.
Little piglet.

“You still there?” I asked with a smile in my voice.

“Yeah, still here,” he answered, clearing his throat. “Got a good set of lungs on him, yeah?”

“Yep. He’s loud as hell, but it’s usually if he wants something, otherwise he’s pretty mellow.”

“That’s good, sweetheart. Real good.” His words were mumbled as if his hand was covering his mouth.

“We wish you were here,” I told him gently, my eyes starting to water. “I miss you so fucking much.”

“I wish I was, too. I’ll be home before you know it.”

I knew he was trying to comfort me, and if the taut way he spoke was any indication, he was frustrated as hell that he couldn’t. He wouldn’t be home before I knew it. We weren’t even halfway there.

I pinched my nose and pulled the phone away from my face so I could sniff and get myself together. When I felt like I could talk to him without sobbing, I put the phone back to my ear.

“So, I was thinking, as soon as Will’s immune system is stronger, we could come up and visit you.”

“You call him Will?”

“Yeah, William makes him sound like a banker.”

“I like Will,” he said with a snort.

“Did you just snort?” I teased in a deep voice, mimicking him.

“Shut the fuck up.” I could hear the smile in his voice and it made my chest ache. I looked down at our son and gently pulled him away from where he’d fallen asleep with my nipple in his mouth.

“So, the visit?”

“You really want our son in here? You think that’s a good idea?” He sounded skeptical, but underneath the worry lacing his voice, I could hear the hope.

“Yeah, I looked at the website and it said kids can come.”

“I know that, sweetheart. Just not sure
our
kid should come.”

“I want you to meet him,” I answered softly.

“Fuck.” He blew out a harsh breath. “Me, too.”

“Okay, well, it’ll have to be in a couple months. I don’t think he’s up for that type of drive yet anyway.”

“I love you so fuckin’ much, Calliope.”

“I love you, too, baby. Everything okay with you?”

“My woman’s bringing my son for a visit, everything’s great,” he answered seriously.

“Good.”

“I gotta go, Sugar.”

“Already?”

“Yeah. Don’t get much time.”

“I know. This one went fast, though,” I grumbled.

“’Cause we got a lot of shit to talk about. I love you, kiss my boy for me.”

“I will. Love you, too.”

I listened as he hung up, and continued to hold the phone to my face as if keeping it there would keep him closer. The separation was harder than I’d imagined, especially with Will. He was an easy baby, and Gram or Farrah were always around to help, so it wasn’t as if I were overwhelmed. The hard part was watching him change, which was happening at an alarming rate, and knowing that Asa would never get to see it. By the time we would be able to visit, Will would look completely different, he’d be more alert and active, and his cone-head would be gone. It was gut-wrenching to know that Asa would never see the sweet, cuddly, newborn stage.

I sighed and leaned my head into the back of the couch. Two months couldn’t pass quickly enough for me.

“Callie!” Farrah whisper-yelled as she came through the front door. She’d been pretty good keeping the noise down since Will was born. We never knew when he’d be sleeping, and he hated being startled awake, hence the crying fit when I’d talked to Asa.

“What’s up?”

“I have the best idea. Ever. In the history of the world.”

She looked at me expectantly while I studied her, still feeling hungover after my phone call with Asa.

“Well? Spill it.”

“We should go to cosmetology school!”

“The hell are you talking about?” I scoffed, standing from the couch to carry Will to my room. Usually, he’d sleep for a couple hours in the morning and I really needed a nap.

“It would be perfect! We’re both orphans and you’re a single mother—we could get all sorts of grants to pay for it and it only takes like a year.”

“I’m
not
a single mother,” I snapped back, hugging Will to my chest as I scowled at her.

“I didn’t mean it like that, Callie,” she replied softly. “I know you’re not, but Asa doesn’t live here. He’s not gonna be around until after we get done with the school and have kickass jobs.”

“I never said I was going to do it!”

“You will. You’d be good at it. Just think, you could handle the classy clients and I could take the Rock-a-Billy ones. It’s a match made in heaven!”

“You’re insane,” I whispered as I laid Will in his portable crib. “I’m taking a nap.”

“We’re talking about this when you get up!”

“Fine. Now let me sleep.” Grumbling, I crawled into my bed and pulled the blankets over my head.

Farrah was right. After listening to her cajole and whine for weeks while I came up with every excuse I could think of, she finally wore me down. I think the deciding factor was Gram. She was adamant that I go to some type of school so I could get a decent job. I was lucky that Asa was still supporting Will and me, even though he wasn’t working, but I didn’t know if that would last forever. I had to be able to support us if I needed to. It was time I stood on my own two feet.

By the time Gram and I headed for Oregon to visit Asa, I was enrolled and ready to start the following term. Farrah’d been right about the grants, too. We were attending school for free, which seemed crazy to me, but I wasn’t going to complain.

The trip to Oregon took forever. Will was pretty easy, but he still wanted to eat every two hours, and we must have stopped at every rest stop on I-5 between Sacramento and Salem. I’d never felt so relieved to get out of a car in my life.

We stayed at a hotel in Salem the night before the visit, but it didn’t matter how exhausted I was, I still didn’t sleep. I lay next to Gram, Will sleeping peacefully between us, filled with apprehension. I hadn’t seen Asa in seven months, the longest we’d ever been apart since we’d met.

My body was different, my face rounder, and I wondered what he’d think. I was afraid things would be awkward, that we’d have nothing to say to each other, that our connection would be forced or completely absent.

I also worried about the fact that I couldn’t wear an underwire bra, which meant my boobs wouldn’t be at their best. It was a stupid thing to worry about, I knew it was, but I wanted to look good. I wanted him to still want me even though my eyes had dark circles under them and my boobs were different.

I finally crawled out of bed when I saw weak sunlight peeking through the curtains, and after placing a rolled up blanket next to Will, took a shower. I took my time, shaving my legs and conditioning my hair twice. I went all out, putting on makeup for the first time in months and stuffing myself into pre-pregnancy jeans with a flowing top to hide where my chubby waist bubbled at the top. I had a freaking muffin top. It made me want to cry.

When I was finished getting ready, I came out of the bathroom to find Gram walking Will back and forth across the room.

“He’s hungry, but I wanted to give you some extra time,” she told me with a knowing smile. “He’s not gonna wait much longer, though.”

I took Will and settled in to nurse him on the bed, grimacing as my jeans dug into my waist.

“You can’t wear those jeans,” Gram commented as she rummaged through her bag for some clothes. “Inmates wear denim. You’ll have to put on other pants.”

“What?” I gasped. “How do you know that?”

“I called the prison. Didn’t you look at the website?”

I had, but the only thing I remembered was the stupid rule about underwire bras. I was screwed. The only pants I’d brought were jeans for the visit and ratty leggings so I’d be comfortable on the drive. I felt myself starting to panic, opening and closing my mouth, and trying not to scream in frustration.

“I don’t have any other pants!” I wailed, startling Will into screaming, and causing complete anarchy in our room.

“Calm down, Callie,” Gram ordered sharply. “You have other pants. I doubt you were planning on driving home in your underwear.”

“Yeah, but those are gross! They’re all stretched out and they don’t go with my shirt!”

“Don’t yell at me because
you
didn’t read the rules,” she snapped, and I instantly felt like shit.

“I’m sorry. I’m a little nervous,” I told, her my eyes watery and a half-smile on my face. “I just wanted it to be perfect.”

“Not sure how perfect you’re gonna get in the visiting room of the state pen,” she mumbled, walking into the bathroom. I guess she wasn’t ready to forgive my freak out yet.

When Will was finished eating, I changed into my unappealing leggings and started getting him ready for the day. I didn’t want to give him a bath in the nasty hotel bathroom, so instead I just used a tiny bit of baby soap to Mohawk the small patch of hair on the top of his head. I wanted Asa to be able to smell it, that fresh baby smell.

I had less than thirty minutes before we had to leave for the prison, so I got him dressed, too. I put him in a black long-sleeved Harley Davidson one-piece outfit that Slider’s wife Vera had sent when he was born. I thought it was a nice thing for her to do, especially since I’d never met her, but I figured it was more for Asa than me. It was the perfect outfit for him to meet his daddy.

When we pulled up and parked, I was a little startled when Gram didn’t climb out of the driver’s seat.

“Aren’t you coming?”

“No. I’m just gonna sit out here and read,” she told me, pulling a worn paperback with a half-naked couple on the front out of her purse.

“But I thought you were coming with me!”

“They have a point system. I go in there, that means he uses up points for the month. Don’t want him to run out,” she answered over the top of her glasses. “This time should just be for the three of you, Callie Rose.”

“Okay.” The word came out in a long exhale, and I shook my head as I pulled Will and a small blanket out of his car seat. I prayed that he wouldn’t need to eat while we were there, because he wasn’t taking a bottle yet and I was pretty sure they wouldn’t let me breastfeed in the middle of the visiting room.

My anxiety built as I went through the necessary procedures, and the guards made me really nervous as they went through all of my stuff. I was terrified that I hadn’t followed some rule and they were going to turn me away. By the time I was through the security, I felt my heart beating at the base of my throat and I had trouble catching my breath.

I didn’t anticipate that when I saw him, all of the nervousness and worry I was feeling would just… melt away.

Chapter 67

Grease

My leg was bouncing nervously under the table. I was afraid she wasn’t going to show for some reason, and I’d built it up in my mind so much that I’d fucking lose it if I didn’t see her. I was anxious to see my son, too, but he was still more of an idea in my head. I hadn’t had a chance to miss him yet.

When she walked through the doors, I stood up automatically and almost tripped over the bench I was sitting on.
Really fucking smooth, Grease.
She was wearing a loose purple top that covered fucking everything from her neck to her hips, but goddamn if I couldn’t imagine everything underneath, even with our son resting against her chest.

My eyes moved from her chest down, and noticed her leggings; they had a hole in the knee and some sort of bleach stain on them. It made my gut clench for some reason, seeing those pants. When I finally made my eyes meet hers, I swear to God it was like the entire room went quiet.

She had a little smile on her mouth, like she wasn’t sure if she should be smiling or not, and it made me fucking grin. She was so fucking beautiful. Her face was a bit rounder, and so were her hips, but to me—she’d never been sexier.

My grin got her moving, and she started walking fast until I met her at the edge of the table.

“Hey, sweetheart,” I mumbled, swallowing hard.

I pulled her into my arms and hugged her around the baby as she sniffled into my neck. We could only hug for a minute—there were rules about that shit—so within seconds, I was tilting her face to mine so I could kiss her. I didn’t wait until we were feeling comfortable; we didn’t have time for that. I just tilted my head to hers and pulled her bottom lip into my mouth a tiny bit and ran my tongue across it before pulling back.

I couldn’t kiss her like I wanted to. I couldn’t put my tongue in her mouth, or pull hers into mine, and it fucking killed me.

The guard at the edge of the room cleared his throat, so I pulled away and grabbed her hand. She still hadn’t spoken by the time we’d sat down, and I couldn’t think of a fucking word to say.

I was just staring at her. Soaking it all in.

“Hey,” she whispered, looking at my face and rubbing her thumb over my palm.

“This is fuckin’ awkward, right?”

“A little.” She smiled gently, and I wanted to pull her over the goddamn table. “You wanna meet Will?”

For a second, a fraction of a second, I’d forgotten he was there as I’d stared at her.

“Ye—” I cleared the nervous knot in my throat. “Yeah. I do.”

She unwrapped him from a dark green blanket, and the first thing I noticed was a little fucking black Mohawk down the center of his head. He was sleeping—his fist by his face—and the sight of him was like a punch to the chest.

“You wanna hold him?” she asked, looking anxious. “I checked the rules and I think you can hold him.”

Before I could answer, she’d leaned across the table and laid him against my chest so I had no choice but to put my arm under him. He was so fucking tiny; my empty saddlebags must have weighed more than him.

“Holy fuck,” I gasped, trying to figure out the best way to hold him so his head wasn’t flopping around.