Cravings (Fierce Hearts) (7 page)

He was still wearing that smile when he and Casey walked into the living room to find Kennedy leaning against Michelle, her face somber. The sight of her red-rimmed eyes plucked at his insides. He didn’t want to intrude, but how could he ignore her pain?

Casey took over. “Is everything all right here?” His voice traveled like a beautiful scent across the room, and even Asher let it embrace him.

Kennedy sat upright instantly. “Yes. I was just …” Her words trailed off as though she didn’t have enough strength to continue.

Michelle ran a hand up and down Kennedy’s arm. “She and I were just relaxing.”

Asher’s power reached out to Kennedy to help ease her discomfort. But he shut it down, knowing he needed to get her permission before nudging her. “Want me to take you home to Lara’s apartment?”

She stood and gazed up into his face, her brow knitted.

Casey grabbed Michelle’s hand and pulled her to her feet. “Why don’t we give them some privacy?” With that, the two sauntered down the hall to the study and shut the door.

“Can we talk?” Kennedy slanted her head. “You and me?” She hesitated, troubling her full bottom lip, then took his hand in hers.

Asher’s heart skipped a beat. His skin responded to her touch with tiny goose bumps.
Geez, what am I, a kid?
He’d been with women, plural, but this touch from Kennedy moved him, traveling through him like a river of light, quieting the buzzing in his head.

Silently, he sat on the couch and pulled her down to sit next to him, her thigh touching his and sending his nerve endings flashing like a Fourth of July sparkler.

But this moment was not about pleasuring himself, taking from Kennedy. He tamped down his libido. His longing to truly be there for her guided him. “You want to talk? About what?”

She turned her head away. Her hand on his leg trembled. Her words came out in pieces of sentences. “Everything in me wants to hide. Hide from the many truths coming forward in my mind and body.” She stopped and dipped her head, staring at the floor.

Asher’s insides quivered. “Truths?”

“That my real parents are alive. That the Novaks didn’t love me. That my trainers from The Nexus Group hurt me.” A sob escaped her. She shook her head, as though trying to shake off the immense implications of facing the truth. “That I need to rethink everything I’ve learned.”

Asher held her hand tight, struggling to control his automatic reaction to nudge her into feeling okay. “I’m here, Kennedy. Say what you need to say.”

Through tears drifting down her cheeks, she grabbed his heart with her soft brown eyes. “To grasp that there are good people who don’t want to simply use me and hurt me. These truths are hard.”

“We all have hard truths to face, Kennedy. And you’re not alone in facing yours.”

She dragged in a deep, ragged breath. “I want to tell you what I’ve been through. I want you to help me.”

“I think if you’re ready, that would be good for you to do. I’ll help you, of course.” He squeezed her hand gently, feeling her pain as though it were his own. He relaxed his grip on the energy of nudging and allowed it to flow freely. With little effort, he guided it to embrace Kennedy, as he suggested in his mind that she was completely safe and she wanted to allow her memories to open to her.

“I don’t know where to start. So many years of training and trying to please and perform well.” She leaned her head against his shoulder.

“Just start. I’m here for as long as it takes. I’ll listen.”

And he did. He listened as Kennedy told of her life with the Novaks. He listened when she told him about when she was seven and she’d spent the night locked in a dark closet because her mother had told her she needed to learn to be fearless alone in the dark. She’d heard noises in the dark, and fear had turned into tears and pleading to be let out. But no one had come.

He listened, his body tight, trying to take it all in when she told him of sleep deprivation when she was nine, and then being forced to work puzzles for hours.

Asher suppressed his growl when Kennedy described her ordeal of fighting with her trainers when she was twelve, as she’d practiced the skills they’d shown her, expecting her to reach expertise in hours. And when she’d beaten them, using her procedural memory, they’d deprived her of food.

A door clicking closed down the hall indicated Casey and Michelle had gone to their bedroom. Asher hadn’t wanted to break his attention for an instant to check the time, but now the clock on the mantel told him it was close to midnight. Her voice hoarse, she continued.

He listened to her stories of subjugation and oppression, endless striving, and always loneliness consuming all hope of any kind of love.

The wind outside the windows picked up, tossing the tree branches wildly. Snow continued to flutter down and get caught up and tossed in gusts that in the darkness only Kennedy and Asher could see.

Kennedy shifted her position, and Asher took advantage of it to stir the fire in the fireplace, now burned down to small, soft flames.

He sat back on the couch, taking her hand again. His gut a bottomless pit of sorrow and helplessness, he fought back thoughts of using his ability to show Jonathon and Kathryn Novak what the kind of agony they’d subjected Kennedy to felt like.

“It wasn’t all bad.” Kennedy’s voice interrupted his thoughts of nudging the Novaks. “I had a friend when I was a teenager.” Her reflection for a moment lit her face. “His name was Griffin Kreger. We were both eighteen. He lived nearby, and we met while I was out walking. We kept our friendship secret, so we never did much. We just hung out back behind my house in the woods. We had hiding places we could escape to. I’d tell my parents I was going for a run. Of course, the trainers would follow me. I wouldn’t shimmer, but even in human form, I ran faster than them. Running was just another skill I could emulate effortlessly.”

“I bet you kicked their butts,” Asher teased. “But don’t ever do that to me.”

She rolled her eyes and smirked, just before her face turned blank. “We managed to keep our friendship secret for several months. He was such a great friend. Of course, my only friend, but he was a good kid. He didn’t deserve to die.”

“How did he die, Kennedy?” Asher kept his voice low, flat.

“He drowned in a river. My parents told me over and over that my skills made me desirable to many hostile organizations. His death was proof that people were after me and when I let down my guard, terrible things happened.”

“Your parents let you think it was your fault.” Asher’s stomach twisted hard. He knew what it was like to actually cause harm to someone. Convinced she’d caused her friend’s death would have prompted the same horrible regret and self-loathing.

“No, they told me it was my fault. They told me one of my trainers had discovered us having sex in one of our hiding places, so my mother had to eliminate Griffin. He couldn’t be trusted, she said. She made me watch while Thing One drowned him. He held Griffin’s head under the water in the creek behind our house. Poor Griffin struggled. I wanted to help him, but Thing Two held me back. And then it was over. He was dead.” Sobs, deep and heartfelt, wracked her body. “His parents reported him missing, but I couldn’t tell anyone about his murder. My parents told me if anyone found out, I’d go to prison for his death. They’d tell the police I’d done it.” She stared wide-eyed into his eyes. “I didn’t do anything wrong.”

He balled his hands, his fingernails biting into his palms. “Your parents really did a number on you. So many terrible acts of evil and heartlessness and deception, and all the while they were training you for something they wanted you to do for The Nexus Group.”

Her voice emotionless, she glanced up at him. “You want to know the worst of it? I miss my mother. She treated me with contempt. She beat me, she ignored me, and she called me a freak of nature. But hers was the only love I knew. I’m so confused.”

Asher rubbed his hand across his face. Of course she loved her parents. Even abused and neglected children loved their parents. He knew that. But the cruelty of it all tore at him like a jagged knife. “Kennedy, you’ll figure it all out. I think right now it would be dangerous for you to make contact with your parents. Just be patient and let your real family—Casey, the colony, and your real parents—give you the love and acceptance you deserve. You’re not a machine, you’re not a freak of nature, you’re not a weapon of mass destruction.”

She turned sorrowful eyes on him, gripping his heart. “Thank you for that. I just don’t know.”

“What you’ve done tonight, sharing your past with me, took courage and inner strength. You survived all that crap. It’s not coming back, because your colony is going to make sure of it.”

She smiled. “Thank you for listening and for helping.”

Footsteps grabbed their attention just before Casey appeared in the doorway, dressed only in flannel pajama bottoms. “Hey, are you two warm enough? It looks like the fire is done for the evening.” He ran his hand through his dreads and yawned widely.

“Yeah, sorry, Casey. I’ve been talking Asher’s head off. We should go.” Kennedy started to rise, but Casey raised his hand, halting her.

“No problem. You don’t need to leave.”

Relief fluttered through Asher’s body, easing the tension from his shoulders. They’d been so open with each other, he didn’t want to leave Kennedy at Lara’s. He wanted to stay connected. “Thanks, Casey.”

“Kennedy, Asher will show you to the guest room. Asher, you know where the bedding is. You can help yourself to the couch tonight.” Casey’s eyes glistened, teasing Asher.

“Sure, sure. Thanks. Go back to bed.” Asher shooed Casey away, then turned back to Kennedy. “I’m not leaving you alone tonight. If you’re okay with it, I’m going to sleep on top of the covers beside you.”

Startled into waking, Kennedy slipped out of bed and headed for a window. She needed air, big gulps of it, and she needed it now.

She glanced at Asher sprawled on his stomach, still fully dressed but asleep. But she couldn’t think about him. The nightmare was more alive than the room she stood in. Its hold on her so real she couldn’t tell the difference. Her heart beat in her throat, panic pushing her to find air.

In the kitchen, she found a locked window. Desperation tightened her throat. The people in her nightmare still yelled at her, driving her out the front door. She stumbled down the front steps, breathing in cold pulls of air and reaching for a way out of the nightmare.
“Kennedy, where are you? You can’t hide, Kennedy.”
The voices hammered in her head. She’d heard them so many times.
“Kennedy, what are you doing?”

Her arms flailing, she fought off the men. “Leave me alone!” she screamed. The shrill sound of an alarm told her they’d found her, again. “No!” She slumped to the cold ground.

“Kennedy, it’s me. Asher.”

Asher’s warm eyes directly in front of her got her attention. His hands on either side of her face penetrated the veil of the dark nightmare. She put a shaky hand to his face.

He caressed her cheek. “Let’s go inside.”

He helped her to her feet and led her back to the door, where Casey and Michelle stood watching.

Reality dawned, seeping through the troubled images in her mind. “So, the alarm was your house security system going off when I opened the door.” Asher led her to the living room and sat with her on the welcoming couch. Casey and Michelle followed.

“Right.” Casey rubbed his eyes.

Michelle flipped on a lamp, letting a soft light brighten the darkness that only she couldn’t see into. “It’s four o’clock in the morning. Anyone want coffee?”

“Can you two get back to sleep?” Casey asked Kennedy and Asher. “I think I’m up for the day.”

Guilt like a black hole sucked up Kennedy’s heart. “I’m sorry. I had a nightmare. I had to get air.”

“Want to talk about it?” Casey sat in one of the upholstered chairs. “There’s nothing to apologize for, Kennedy. We’re all familiar with a dark side of life and how it can invade our dreams.”

“That’s right.” Michelle took in deep breaths, breaths Kennedy imagined she needed to release the terror she’d picked up in the air. It was a fascinating thought.

“It must be hard for you, Michelle, to have to cope with being so sensitive. I’m sorry.”

Asher rolled his shoulder. “Again with the apology. It’s okay. Michelle knows how to take care of herself. What about your nightmare? What was happening?”

“Shut up, Asher.” Casey tossed a pillow at him, and Michelle went back to filling a carafe with water for coffee.

Kennedy shuddered. “No, I don’t mind. I was running away from Thing One and Thing Two, my handlers. And my mom. I couldn’t escape. The nightmare felt so real.”

“Do you know why they were chasing you?” Anger and need to protect Kennedy clenched Asher’s fists.

“No.”

Michelle joined them while the coffee brewed. “Is being chased and not being able to escape a regular dream for you?”

“It is. There are various settings. Some of them are crazy, like a maze of tunnels and I need to get out before my trainers catch me. My mom is usually yelling from somewhere.”

“So the dreams may be a manifestation of your underlying feeling of oppression, of need to escape the tyranny of your parents and your trainers, and the pain you experienced at the hands of other people. I know I’d certainly want to escape under those circumstances.”

“But I’m free now.” Michelle’s face softened, and Kennedy knew what she was thinking. “I haven’t escaped. I carry the experiences with me.”

“I’m not a psychiatrist, but that’s what I think is going on,” Michelle said. “It would be natural. You still need to process what’s happened to you. Parts of you are still living it.”

Kennedy stared at the floor. She knew she should say something, but her brain was spinning with too many years of lies. She didn’t want to let it slip that she still was living according to how others, the members of the colony, dictated. There were a lot of pieces to look at, and she needed time and space to do that. But she probably wasn’t going to get it. From what she knew about her parents and The Nexus Group, they’d soon be making another move to get her back.