Crazy Little Thing (18 page)

Roses Are Red

Ollie stared at the dozen red roses malevolently.
Fucking Scarlet. Every time Ollie thought she was making headway with Claire,
Scarlet ruined it by doing something sweet, like sending these roses. Ollie was
alone in the house or she probably wouldn’t have done what she did. EZ was
still sleeping. G-Ray had left the house wearing his red vinyl pants and a
silly grin. Ollie assumed that meant he had a hot date with Marilyn Monroe.
Claire was at the library doing God-knows-what, getting something to read,
Ollie supposed.

Maybe Claire was going to try reading herself to
sleep. Ollie knew she wasn’t sleeping well because Ollie herself was not
sleeping well. They’d take turns wandering around the house, careful not to run
into each other. Ollie didn’t know why they were avoiding each other in the
night. She supposed it was because that was the one time when they were truly
alone with each other and they were afraid of that.

Ollie was working on a new surfboard design
featuring her van with a surfboard on top. She was putting the Des Moines skyline
in the background. It was turning out pretty good, she thought. She had gig
with a website that took some of her designs, tweaked them a little and paid
her accordingly. It wasn’t an always for sure kind of gig but they liked most
of her stuff and her graphic designs skills improved with each submission. She
never told anyone but G-Ray about her sideline. She was still sensitive about
her abilities. She didn’t want people to make fun of her. Especially people
like Scarlet and Claire. They’d think it was another one of her pipe dreams –
another way to avoid getting a real job.

She was in that happy place artists call “the zone”
when the doorbell rang. It seemed an odd interruption. The neighbor lady had
come and gone. Oscar and Meyer were curled up at her feet. She didn’t know
anybody in town so Ollie figured it was a Jehovah’s Witness or a teenager
selling magazines to win a trip to Timbuktu or wherever. If she ignored the
bell, they’d go away.

The fifth time the bell rang Ollie realized they
weren’t going away. She threw open the door, revealing a guy with exceptionally
tall hair. It was the tallest hair Ollie had ever seen. She was so engrossed
with his hair height that she didn’t notice the box at first.

“Flower delivery. Is there a Claire Drummond at this
residence?” he asked in a bored-to- tears tone of voice.

“Um…” Ollie hedged. She connected the dots and realized
the flower delivery had to be for Claire which meant they had to be from her
arch-nemesis, Scarlet. “Um…” she said again.

“It’s a simple question,” the kid said. “It requires
a yes or no answer. You have a fifty- fifty chance of getting it right.”

“She’s here, but she’s not here,” Ollie answered.

The kid nodded his head. “I see. It’s like a riddle,
right?”

“No riddle,” Ollie said. “She’ll be back soon. Do
you want me to sign for them?”

“Nah, that’s okay,” he said. He thrust the long box
into her arms and walked away. Halfway down the sidewalk, he stopped and turned
back. He poked his thumb toward her van in the driveway. “Is that yours?”

Ollie nodded. “It’s not for sale. I’ve had that van
forever. I’ll never sell.”

“Radical,” he said. “Totally awesome artwork on it.
You surf, huh?”

“Since before you were born,” she said.

“Awesome. We’re like related.”

“What d’ya mean?”

“I snowboard. You know, snowboarding has its roots
in surfing. That makes you like my great great grandma or something,” he said.

“I’m not that old. Let’s be cousins instead.”

“You coming out to Sleepy Hollow? You gotta do the
pipe, man.”

“The pipe?”

“The half pipe. It’s like riding a wave.”

“Really?” Ollie said. She was intrigued. “What’s
Sleepy Hollow?”

“Only the best place to snowboard in the world, well
not exactly the world but in Des Moines at least,” the kid amended. “I work
there part time. Come out and I’ll hook you up.”

“Maybe I will,” Ollie said.

“Cool, I wanna see you shredding out there.”

She watched him go. She scowled at the box and took
it inside. Fucking Scarlet. Ollie had never thought to send Claire flowers.
She’d never even considered that Claire liked flowers. Setting the box on the
table she considered her options. The box was not taped shut so after a
moment’s compunction she opened it. Sure as shit, it contained a dozen
perfectly exquisite red roses. She plucked one out and stuck her finger on a
thorn. That pissed her off even more.

She went to the sink and ran cold water over her
finger. She wrapped a paper towel around her injury. Turning off the faucet she
noticed the garbage disposal. Quickly, before she could think herself out of
it, she flipped the switch, grabbed a single rose out of the box and fed it
into the churning jaws of the disposal.

“Dood, are you feeling all right?” G-Ray said.

Ollie jumped. She didn’t know G-Ray had been
standing in the doorway watching. And the red light on his helmet cam blinked
away. Shit. She was on film. Caught red-handed. Red rose handed, to be exact.

“I was just…” Ollie was stuck.

G-Ray plucked the card out of the box and read it.
“They’re for Claire,” he said simply.

“Uh, yeah. Are you going to blackmail me with the
film?” Ollie said.

“Blackmail you with what?” Claire said, shouldering
her way through the back door. Her arms were full of books. She deposited the
books on the table. Ollie scanned the titles:
The Real Elvis. Elvis Is Not
Dead. I Saw a Ghost and his Name Was Elvis.

Claire saw the box of roses. “Who got flowers?”

Ollie and G-Ray didn’t say a word.

“Is it a secret or something?” Claire asked.

“They’re for you,” Ollie said.
“From Scarlet.
I opened the box, sorry.”

“That’s okay,” Claire said, picking up the eleven
roses. She hugged them to her chest, sniffed at them and said, “They’re so
beautiful.”

Ollie gulped. Claire looked so beautiful. So
beautifully in love.

Claire pulled her phone out of her purse and dialed.
After a beat, she exclaimed, “Hi honey! I got your roses, they’re gorgeous!”

Ollie pushed G-Ray out of the kitchen, leaving
Claire to ooh and ahh over her flowers, and gush to Scarlet about how
thoughtful and wonderful she was. Jealous much? Ollie thought.

“I hope she can’t count,” G-Ray whispered.

Claire Speaks

Claire
looked straight into the camera and said: “The marriage counselor is stupid. The
homework assignment is stupid. If I could think of what I liked about Ollie we
wouldn’t be getting a divorce. But since I have to do this and I’ve never made
anything below an A in my entire life, I did jot down a few things I found
not-wholly-detestable about Ollie.”

She
held up a piece of paper and waved it in front of the camera. Sighing, she
looked down at the paper and read:

“Number
one: Forearms. I was driven to bouts of lust over her muscular forearms. I like
the way the cords of muscles rippled under her skin and the way the little
hairs turned blond in the sun.

Number
two: Calves. Just like the forearms, minus the hair.

Number
three: Funny. I do have to admit that Ollie has a great sense of humor. She
makes me laugh. Even in bed. Nobody has ever made me laugh as much as Ollie.

Number
four: Her sense of the now. She’s always in the present moment. I spend most of
my time in the future. Planning, making lists, trying to get enough money to
someday do something. Ollie is happy wherever she happens to land and with
whatever she happens to be doing. There’s a part of me that wishes I could be
more like that.

Number
five: Generous spirit. Ollie is a giver. Scarlet is a taker. And sometimes I
feel like Scarlet has sucked all the energy out of me and I’m like a limp
balloon when she’s done. But Ollie energizes me. She’s like a gust of fresh air
that fills me up until I can float.

That’s
all I wrote. I don’t know why I had to do this. It would make more sense to
write what I hated about her. This is a divorce, not a marriage.”

She
blinked back tears.

“If
Scarlet ever sees this paper, she’ll kill me.”

She
wiped her eyes and blew her nose into a tissue.

“Scarlet
is a much better match for me in the long-term. We both have pensions. IRA’s. A
stock portfolio. Ollie doesn’t even have a savings account. Yes, Scarlet is my
ideal partner.”

She
looked down at the paper in her hands and wadded it into a ball. She stuffed it
into her mouth and chewed. Three swallows later and the evidence was destroyed.

“All
gone. Like it never even existed.”

Scarlet Arrives

Claire paced big circles around the living room. She
stopped every other lap and looked out the front window. Scarlet was due to
show any minute. She was driving Claire’s car up and would fly back home to
Houston after Thanksgiving weekend. It was snowing to beat the band and Claire
was worried that Scarlet wouldn’t be able to make it to Des Moines. She hoped
she didn’t get stranded alongside the road and freeze to death.

Claire was also nervous about Scarlet and Ollie
being in the same house. Ollie had been acting strange lately and Scarlet
always acted a strange. Having them both in close proximity of each other was
kind of like having two bombs sit side by side. It was only a matter of time
before one of them exploded and set the other one off.

Honk! Honk!

Claire ran to the window and looked out. Scarlet was
here! The car was completely covered in snow. Scarlet was dressed head-to-toe
in fur. She closed the car door and waded through a big snowdrift. She
high-stepped across the yard then fell over onto her back and began to flap her
arms and legs.

Claire laughed joyously. Scarlet was making snow
angels! How silly and child-like and lovely! Claire ran to the front door and
opened it. “Silly Scarlet! Stop making snow angels and get in here and warm
up!”

“I’m not making fucking snow angels! I fell and
can’t get up!” Scarlet yelled back. She continued moving her arms and legs.

Claire had mistaken Scarlet’s flopping for flapping.
She ran into the yard and extended a hand. “Need help?”

“How in the fuckity fuck do people live with all
this shit on the ground?” Scarlet growled.

“Some people think this so-called shit is pretty,”
Claire said. She didn’t know why she was being so defensive. She didn’t live
here. She didn’t even have any particular fondness for snow.

She pulled Scarlet to her feet and whacked at her
fur, dusting the snow off.

Scarlet continued flapping but this time she flapped
at Claire. “Stop hitting me. Just get me inside to whatever is deemed civilization
in these backwoods.”

Claire sighed and trudged toward the house. Things
certainly were off to a great start.

*

Ollie laughed her ass off. She’d been watching from
her second story bedroom window. By the time she got her laughter under control
and joined them downstairs, Scarlet was sitting in a chair before the roaring
fireplace, drinking a goblet of spiced wine. G-Ray stood in the corner of the
living room with his helmet cam on. He stood so still he could easily be
mistaken for a standing lamp. Claire could be heard in the kitchen banging pots
and pans.

Scarlet acknowledged Ollie with a forced smile.
“Hello, Ollie.”

“Hello, Scarlet Dear,” Ollie said, not even
bothering to hide the facetiousness in her voice. “I saw you fall in the yard.
I do hope you’re okay?”

Scarlet pointed her perfect nose to the ceiling and
said, “I was making snow angels.”

“How lovely,” Ollie said.

Scarlet turned away from Ollie’s gaze and looked at
EZ who was slumped on the couch, wearing dark sunglasses.

“I don’t believe we’ve officially met,” Scarlet said
to EZ. “I’m Scarlet, Claire’s fiancé.”

EZ, being fast asleep, didn’t respond.

Scarlet continued, “It is very nice to meet you.”
She scooted to the end of her chair and extended her hand to shake.

EZ slept on, making no move.

Scarlet withdrew her hand, saying, “Well, how rude.
Where I’m from we have better manners.”

Ollie chuckled. “She’s asleep.”

“Oh,” Scarlet asked. “The narcoleptic, that’s right.
I forgot.”

“I propped her up on the couch so she wouldn’t miss
the holiday. I put the sunglasses on her because sometimes her eyes pop open
and it’s real creepy looking.”

“You do realize that is rather unorthodox, don’t
you?” Scarlet said.

Ollie sat in the chair across from Scarlet. “I don’t
know if she’s orthodox or not. I don’t even know if she’s Jewish.”

At that moment, Oscar padded into the living room.

Scarlet gasped when she saw Oscar. “You let a dog in
the house?”

Ollie only smiled.

Oscar walked up to Scarlet’s luggage, which was
sitting by the staircase and sniffed at it.

“He
has germs. You are aware of that? Dogs are flea factories. You’re aware of
that?”

Without hesitating, Oscar lifted his leg and pissed
on Scarlet’s bag. Scarlet shrieked. “Stop him!”

Ollie shook her head. “Won’t work. Once the stream
has started there’s no stopping it.”

Scarlet stood and flapped her arms. She looked like
she was making snow angels in the air. “Do you realize that’s a Ghurka bag? I
paid over fifteen hundred dollars for that bag!”

“Oscar always had good taste,” Ollie said.

Scarlet yelled, “Claire! Omigod, Claire!” She danced
around Oscar, waving her hands at him. Oscar lifted his nose and ignored her,
his pee stream rattling against her leather bag like rain on a tin roof.

Claire ran into the room, saying, “Whatwhatwhat?”

Scarlet pointed at Oscar and yelled, “That mutt is
peeing on my Ghurka! Stop him!”

Claire morphed into superhero mode and ran for
Oscar.

Ollie said, “I wouldn’t pick him up if I were you.”

Claire picked him up. Oscar, however, did not stop
peeing. His pee stream arced high in the air and splashed down wherever Claire
happened to aim him. Claire squealed as soon as she realized she was holding a
real live seltzer bottle and was spraying the couch, EZ, the coffee table, the
rug, and the ceiling. “Help, help, help!” she shouted, twirling around like a
lawn sprinkler.

Ollie dove behind the relative safety of the couch
and enjoyed the show too much to intercede.

“Put the dog down! Put the dog down!” Scarlet
shouted.

Claire turned to Scarlet’s voice. Which meant she
also turned Oscar toward Scarlet. Which meant his pee-stream hit Scarlet square
in the face.

Scarlet spit, sputtered and sneezed. Claire froze,
horror-stricken.

Oscar’s pee became a dribble then stopped.

Claire put Oscar down and he happily padded out of
the room. Ollie bit her bottom lip and her shoulders shook from silent
laughter.

Scarlet sputtered some more.

Claire burst into tears.

G-Ray moved for the first time, telescoping the
camera in for a close-up of Scarlet. “Awesome,” he said, “This film needed some
comic relief.”