Crazy Little Thing (21 page)

Don’t Eat The
Stuffing

“We’ll be needing another place setting,” G-Ray
said. He waved his hand in front of Begonia like a magician making her appear
from thin air. “This is Begonia. I found her in the spice aisle.”

Scarlet and Claire were in the kitchen up to their
elbows in turkey, cranberry sauce and potatoes. Scarlet wiped the back of her
hand across her forehead, leaving a trail of ooky brown something. She took one
look at Begonia and said, “This isn’t a homeless shelter. I’m sure even Des
Moines has a Salvation Army.”

Begonia smiled beatifically at Scarlet. “You know,
if you stopped eating red meat your constipation problem would clear up.”

“What?” Scarlet gasped. She looked around, her mouth
opening and closing like a beached fish. When nobody stepped forward to defend
her honor, she closed her mouth and made a harrumphing sound.

G-Ray chuckled and led Begonia to the living room.
Once she was gone, Scarlet whispered angrily to Claire, “How’d she know I was
constipated? Have you been telling everybody?”

Claire rolled her eyes. “Contrary to popular belief,
not everybody is interested in absolutely everything about you.” She threw down
her dishtowel and left the kitchen in a huff, leaving Ollie and Scarlet alone.

Ollie unpacked the grocery bag. Which took all of
two seconds because there were only four things in the bag –
four things they could have done without. There was
an uncomfortable silence in the room, but Ollie didn’t really care. In fact,
she rather enjoyed watching Scarlet stew in her own juices.

Oscar waddled into the room with Meyer on his back.
I should get G-Ray to video them, she thought. We could make a fortune on YouTube.
Oscar looked up at Ollie as if to say, “Aren’t I cute? Isn’t Meyer cute? Can I
have some food now? The house smells like Thanksgiving and we are starving.”

Okay, so maybe Ollie was anthropomorphizing a
little, but she still gave Oscar and Meyer each a tiny bite of turkey gizzard.

“I don’t think it’s wise to get animals used to the
taste of meat,” Scarlet said. “I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night knowing
they were sizing up my ham hocks.”

Ollie thought, “Your ham hocks have been so
chemically altered, peeled, sucked, prodded and genetically mutated that no
animal would want to eat them.” Thankfully, she only thought that and didn’t
say it. Instead she said, “What is a gherkin anyway? Is there a gherkin tree
out there with pickles on it?”

“You make no sense to me,” Scarlet said. “But I do
occasionally find you amusing.”

Ollie picked Oscar’s dog food bowl up off the floor
and sat it on the counter. She poured dried dog food into it. Why was it that
Scarlet could piss her off so bad with only one little sentence? What did
Scarlet mean that she amused her? It was like Scarlet was a queen who waved her
soft tiny hand and commanded, “Send in the dwarf. She amuses me.”

“Who is that Petunia woman?” Scarlet hissed.

“Her name isn’t Petunia. It’s Begonia. She says
cumin is a good detoxifier for your feet.”

Ollie watched Scarlet peek around the kitchen
doorway into the living room. “She’s touching my wife. I don’t like her hippie
dippy hands touching my wife.”

“Actually, she’s not your wife. She’s still my wife.
And Begonia isn’t hippie dippy. She’s a Guardian Angel.”

“Yeah, and I’m Cinderella,” Scarlet said. “Hand me
that bowl of stuffing behind you.”

Ollie grabbed the bowl and handed it over to
Scarlet. She watched as Scarlet spread the turkey’s legs and stuck her entire
fist inside the cavity. Ollie shivered. Seeing Scarlet’s fist inside any cavity
gave her the heebie-jeebies.

Scarlet stuffed the bird while Ollie put the dog
food bowl on the floor. Oscar dove into his food and made a lot of little piggy
noises. Which was unusual. Normally Oscar ate in tiny little bites.

Ollie took a closer look at Oscar’s food.

Shit.

Ooooh, shit.

Ollie looked at the turkey.

Scarlet was shoving dog food up the bird’s ass and
Oscar was eating the stuffing. She had given Scarlet the wrong bowl!

Ollie had to make a quick decision. She could either
grab the bowl away from Oscar and ‘fess up to Scarlet which would earn her a
tongue lashing (and not the good kind either), or she could keep quiet.

Ollie made her decision. She kept quiet.

G-Ray sauntered into the kitchen. “Dood, can I help
with anything?”

“Yes, I have a job for you later, providing you know
what you’re doing,” Scarlet said.

“I am a man of many talents. What is my mission?”

“Do you know how to carve a turkey?”

“Well, I’ve sculpted some pretty gnarly sand
castles. It depends on the medium. Do you want me to carve a turkey out of
sand, butter, or a block of ice?”

Scarlet sighed heavily. “I meant carve as in cutting
the meat off the turkey.”

“Oh. Well, I can do that, too.”

Ollie walked out of the kitchen and into the living
room. She sat on the couch and watched Begonia who sat cross-legged in the
middle of the floor. Her eyes were closed and she was making a weird humming
noise.

“Don’t eat the stuffing,” Ollie whispered. “And
that’s all I’m saying.”

Begonia Speaks

The camera focused on Begonia. The screen filled
with her smiling face.

“Hi, my name is Begonia. It’s not my real name. It’s
my chosen name. My real name is Ashley Taylor Tillman. I descended from the
Tillmans of North Carolina. I come from a long line of money. I went to private
schools all over Europe and was a debutante. It was expected of me to marry
rich and end up being a senator’s wife. Or maybe even First Lady. I shocked
everyone by running away with the Hare Krishnas instead. I stayed with the Hare
Krishnas for two years then struck out on my own. I never really want for
money. My mother won’t talk to me, but daddy has made sure I have a line of
credit at any bank I choose. That’s what funds the Guardian Angels. I am the
president, treasurer and sole member of the organization. But I’m thinking
about letting G-Ray become a member.

Even though I’m not with the Krishnas any longer, I
still am a vegetarian. But even if I did eat meat, I would not have eaten that
particular turkey. It was dreadfully undercooked. After dinner I soaked
everyone’s feet in a warm cumin bath, hoping to detoxify their bodies before
the sickness settled in. As you can see… I wasn’t successful.”

The camera panned back. And back. And back. Until
the screen was filled with a shot of Claire, Scarlet, and Ollie lying on the
sofa, the floor, and the chair, respectively. They had their pants rolled up
knee-high and their feet were yellow from the cumin bath. They all held their
bellies and moaned. Even Oscar and Meyer were lying on the floor with their
forelegs in the air
– if they’d stuck with the
boiled gizzard they’d have been fine but both had joined in the festivities and
taken a helping of turkey.

Claire was draped across the sofa. She suddenly
clasped her hand over her mouth and dashed from the room. The sound of violent
retching was heard from the kitchen off-camera.

This began a domino effect: Ollie gagged. She sat up
straight in the easy chair, grabbed a trashcan that was by her side and did a
great impersonation of Mount St. Helens erupting.

Scarlet bolted upright from her position on the
floor. She rushed from the room with both hands covering her butt, chanting,
“Omigod, omigod, omigod…”

Begonia shook her head and looked into the camera.
“The good news is Scarlet’s constipation problem has been resolved.”

Oscar ripped a loud, obnoxious fart. Meyer squeaked
and hid under the sofa with his tiny paws covering his face.

G-Ray strode into the room. He was bathed in sweat
and was a weird shade of green. If he’d been about three feet shorter he
would’ve looked right at home in the Emerald City. He took a shaky breath and
said, “I’m purging from every orifice, man. All the toxins are leaving my body.
When this day is over, I’ll be as pure as a newborn baby.”

“Far out,” Begonia said.

The screen went to black.

The Turkey Hits The Fan

The following afternoon, Claire dragged herself into
the kitchen. Scarlet was already there with a cup of coffee in her hand. Claire
poured herself a cup and plopped down at the table.

“You look like you lost weight,” Scarlet said.

Claire scowled at her.

“Don’t be snarly. I was just trying to point out the
silver lining. You’re now the size you’ve been wanting to be.”

“The size
you
have been wanting me to be,”
Claire said. “I’m perfectly happy the size I’ve always been.”

“Since when?”

“Since now.”

They sipped their coffee in silence. Finally,
Scarlet said, “This isn’t about the age difference thing again, is it?”

“Great. First you call me fat and now you’re calling
me old. What’s next? You going to call me stupid?”

Scarlet shrugged. “I’m not the one who went to a
community college.”

“You know, I’m glad you poisoned us yesterday. It
gives me a chance to see the real you.”

“I didn’t poison anybody. That wasn’t my fault.”

“Oh, really? Then whose fault was it?” Claire asked.

“That Petunia woman.”

Claire snarled, “Begonia. Her name is Begonia.”

“I don’t care if her name is Mother Theresa. She
made everyone sick with those stinky foot baths.”

“How
could a foot bath make me throw up? That doesn’t even make sense.”

“Ask
Daisy.”

“Begonia.”

“Summer.
Sunshine. Flower. Whatever her hippie dippy name is today,” Scarlet said.

Claire
rose and poured herself another coffee. “The turkey wasn’t properly cooked. It
was underdone. We got food poisoning. Simple as that.”

Scarlet
held her cup out for more coffee, but Claire ignored her and sat back down.
Scarlet sighed. “I followed the cooking instructions to the letter. Why are you
blaming me? You’re my fiancé. You’re supposed to be on my side.”

Ollie
entered the room. She looked at her toes and shifted nervously from foot to
foot. “It was my fault,” she whispered.

“How
was it your fault?” Claire asked.

“I
mixed up the bowls. Scarlet stuffed the bird with dog food.”

“What?”
Scarlet gasped.

“What?”
Claire echoed.

Ollie
couldn’t meet their eyes. “That’s right. You ate Alpo. Oscar ate the real
stuffing. I mixed up the bowls. I didn’t mean to, but I did and then everybody
got sick.”

“That’s
gross, but it didn’t make us sick. Dog food wouldn’t give us food poisoning,”
Claire said.

Ollie
sat at the table between Claire and Scarlet, saying, “Are you sure? I feel so
bad. It was a mistake and I didn’t want to… I don’t know. If only I had told
people, then we wouldn’t have eaten that undercooked bird and nobody would be
sick.”

Claire
reached out and took Ollie’s hand. “Oh, Ollie, it’s okay. It was mistake. You
didn’t intentionally mix up the bowls.”

Scarlet
spat, “Oh, so now you’re feeling sorry for her? I’m the one who shit my pants.
Where’s my sympathy?”

“Not
everything is about you, Scarlet,” Claire said.

Scarlet
stood and stared down her perfect nose at Claire. “Oh, I see what’s going on
here.”

Claire
quickly removed her hand from Ollie’s. “What? What do you see?”

“You
two have been boinking each other this whole time,” Scarlet accused.

Ollie
laughed. “Boink? I don’t boink. I’ve never boinked in my life. Can lesbians
even boink? I don’t think it’s possible.”

Scarlet
glared at Ollie. “Oh, you think you’re so funny, don’t you? You think you can
steal my Claire away, don’t you?”

“Technically,
she’s still my Claire. Technically, you would be stealing her away from me,”
Ollie said.

Scarlet
raised her voice, “Oh no, you don’t. She’s my Claire. Not your Claire.”

Ollie
stood and went toe-to-toe with Scarlet. “She was my Claire before she was your
Claire.”

“You
threw your Claire away! I picked her up and she became my Claire!” Scarlet
said.

Claire
rose and stood on her chair. She pointed at Ollie. “I’m not your Claire!” She
pointed at Scarlet. “I’m not your Claire!” She pointed at herself. “I’m my own
Claire! I don’t belong to anybody but my own self. And I’m not some piece of
trash that gets thrown away and then picked back up and recycled.”

That
was the moment EZ walked into the kitchen. Everyone stopped talking and stared
at her. EZ rubbed her eyes and yawned. She smiled sheepishly and said, “What’d
I miss?”

Scarlet
raised one eyebrow and snarked, “Michael Jackson turned white. He fathered two
children, became an alleged pedophile and died of a suspicious drug overdose.”

EZ
gasped. Her bottom lip trembled. Her knees buckled and she dropped to the floor
in a puddle. In a matter of seconds she was snoring loudly.

Ollie
said, “I can’t believe you just did that.”

“That
was cruel and unnecessary,” Claire added.

Scarlet
shrugged. “It depends on how you look at it. I’m putting her back to sleep
where nobody can trample on her heart. This way she doesn’t have to be
somebody’s safety net.”

“Safety
net?” Claire said. “What does that even mean?”

“It
means what it means,” Scarlet said. “I’m your safety net. I’m your back up
plan. I deserve more than that.”

Scarlet’s
words pierced her heart. Claire felt awful. Awful and mean-spirited. She
swallowed then said, “I didn’t mean… I don’t think of you that way, Scarlet.”

“Oh
no,” Scarlet said.

“Really
I don’t,” Claire said.

“Oh
no,” Scarlet said again. Her face paled. She grabbed the back of her pants,
stepped over EZ’s body and ran from the room, muttering “Omigod, omigod,
omigod!” She darted across the hall to the small bathroom and slammed the door
behind her.

“Um,
Claire?” Ollie said. “This may not be the best time, but you do remember we had
planned to take everyone snowboarding today, right?  We have the tickets to
Sleepy Hollow and everything.”

“I
remember, I remember,” Claire said. She walked across the hall and rapped on
the bathroom door. “Honey? Are you almost ready to go snowboarding?”

A
sound erupted from the other side of the bathroom door that defied description.
Claire wrinkled her nose and walked away.