Crimes of the Heart (12 page)

Shaking her head, she whispered, “Only on the outside.”

He blew out a breath. “Back then you were untouchable, forbidden. I used to watch you from afar, hungry for a glimpse of you. I stayed away as long as I could; I knew how dangerous it was for both of us. I kept my distance until it hurt more for me to stay away than to get close to you.”

“The night I was forced to shoot the mare,” she choked out, reliving the agony of what she’d done.

A wave of pain chased across his face. He nodded curtly. “I couldn’t let you ache like that, not alone.” He shrugged. “I thought I could help.”

“You did, believe me, you did. No one but you understood what I was feeling, how betrayed, how disillusioned.”

“God, I could have wrung his neck for shattering you like that.” Rough emotion clogged his voice. Clearing his throat, he continued, “Once I had a taste of you, I couldn’t let you go.”

“Me, neither.”

“When we were apart, I tried to convince myself how ridiculous it all was. Me, a penniless bastard, thinking I could actually have a relationship with you, the beautiful rich princess—”

“Who lived in the ivory tower,” she sneered.

He grinned, a lop-sided smile that made her insides flutter. “Sounds about right.”

The soft haunting quality of his voice touched places in her that she’d tried to shield for years, places where she once kept all her dreams locked away.

“Each secret meeting, each shared moment with you was like a gift. You swept me away with all your talk of being together until, months later, I couldn’t think of anything but what you wanted for us. When we skipped the senior prom to get married I truly believed we could make it. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have gone through with it.”

“How did everything change so much in less than two months?” she asked, desperate to find some answers from that time, to make some sense of it all.

He raked a hand through his hair. “You did.”

A mixture of confusion and denial warred inside her. “Me?”

“Yes, you. We agreed to tell our parents right away. But by the next day you backpedaled.”

Closing her eyes, Jewel brought up the image of his face from then. Betrayal had been clearly written all over his features. A dagger of pain slashed her heart as if she were experiencing the moment all over again. “I was afraid.”
Afraid of my father. Afraid reality wouldn’t live up to the dream.

“It didn’t get any better after that, did it? First you suggested we wait a week or two, and then you kept moving the date up with each new excuse. After graduation, you said. But that came and went.” A wealth of bitterness spilled out. “Damn it, Jewel, just how long were you going to wait to say something?”

Focusing on him once again, she noted the wounded pride in his eyes and shrank from her role in hurting him. “I never meant to—” she stopped short when he shot her a warning glare.

“You only thought of yourself.”

How true, she admitted silently, angry at the scared, cowering young woman she’d been. “You’re right,” she whispered softly. “I never had the guts to stand up to him.”

He thumped a fist on his chest. “I would have done it for both of us, if only you’d have let me.”

Her middle clenched. “I think in a way I knew you would have. That scared me, too. I could only imagine one outcome if you had, just what he did do, throw you out. Then I’d have to choose between you. So I stalled. I kept hoping that time would help, time for me to get the courage to tell daddy, time for him to accept you, time for my wishes to come true.”

A sad, wistful smile played on his lips. “You always were a dreamer, dollface.”

“I thought I had enough for both of us. It turns out I didn’t, at least not enough for you to stay.”

“We just had different dreams, that’s all. Still do.”

His words tugged at her heart, making her ache deep inside. Wrapping her arms around herself, she went on, “In the end it didn’t matter, did it? The night the fire broke out in the kitchen and daddy couldn’t find me, he sent out a search party.”

“I figured when Cyrus found us in the loft, he’d have ratted on me.” Disbelief colored his words.

“You were as close to him as anyone had ever been. He’d never do that to you.”

Devon snorted. “I worked in the stables under his supervision. It wasn’t anything more than that.”

“Hah! You didn’t see the way he looked at you when you grabbed my hand, and then walked to the house to confront my father. He admired you for having the guts to do what you did, admired you like a man does a son.”

A questioning look chased across his face, and then he shook it off. “You read too much into it.”

She probed a sore spot of his. “He didn’t betray you, Devon, that night or any other time. You still have that to hold on to.”

A strange smile twisted his lips. “Maybe he just didn’t have enough time like you did.”

A sorrow swamped her. “Oh God, Devon, if I could take it all back, I would. I’d change so much about myself, about
us.
”

“I thought we had something special.”

“We did.” Confusion shot through her. “What makes you say different?”

“You, that’s what. You might have given me your body, but you never opened up to me, not really, not the
real
stuff. I could read it in your eyes, but never once did you tell me how much you were hurting inside, from your mother dying, from your old man practically neglecting you, from anything.” The last came out with a great deal of vehemence, taking her by surprise.

Tears smarted the backs of her eyes. Years of bottled up pain emerged. “You were just like them.”

He jerked his head back, obviously shocked by her accusation. “Me? Like
them
?”

“Yes.” Her voice broke. “She died without saying good-bye. He went off on business trips, making me stay in that great big house all by myself. And you…you always told me you were going away to make your fortune. Well, you did. You left then and you’re going to leave now. No one’s ever wanted to stay for me.”

Stunned silence reined down, stretching unbearably. As time ticked slowly by, Jewel grew appalled by her outburst. Never had she revealed so much that resided inside her. The scars ran deep and long, etched into her soul.

Only the horses’ munching on the grass close by intruded on the stark quietness vibrating in the small space between them. When she gathered enough courage, she glanced at him, and then looked again, this time for much longer.

Conflicting emotions chased across his shocked features. First doubt, and then denial showed itself. Next came a questioning look. Dawning soon followed, and then finally acceptance. “Sweet Jesus!”

Unnerved by it all, she said, “Forget it, all right?”

With two steps, he stood toe to toe with her and grabbed her shoulders. The weight of his hands should have been disconcerting, but it lent a certain solid connection to him she welcomed.

“No, I won’t forget it and you shouldn’t either.”

The hurt vibrating in his voice gripped her. Blinking, she gazed up into his troubled eyes.

Devon’s heart twisted, wringing in agony as tears spilled from the corners of her violet eyes. She tried to pull away, but he held firm, and then moved his hands so now he cupped her face between his palms. With his thumbs, he brushed away the moisture.

He couldn’t fathom having unintentionally hurt her all this time. In his mind, he knew if she hadn’t come with him to live a vagabond life until he finally made it at least he’d done her a favor by leaving her behind, safe and secure in her daddy’s home. But now he knew different and he ached with that knowledge. Her father had thrown her out and everyone she ever cared for had abandoned her. She’d hid the truth for years, but he could see it now. The pain he read in her beautiful eyes tore a chunk out of his heart. How could he do this to her?

“I wish to hell you’d have told me this years ago, dollface. Maybe I wouldn’t have done what I did. Maybe I wouldn’t have believed so much in your damn dreams for us, the house, the business, the family,” he choked out.

A flash of insight chased across her features. “You can’t forgive me for that, can you? That, for us, being from different worlds didn’t matter. For making you believe that anything was possible for us.”

Something twisted inside him. Gently, he rubbed her soft cheek, and then brushed back a wisp of her hair. “You know, that’s the one that hurts the most.”
Loving someone always hurts.

She groaned, and then dropped her head so now she rested her forehead on his chest. Her rose perfume drifted upward, wrapping around him in a delicate spun web of longing, of need. Tentatively, he ran his fingers through her silky hair, and then stroked her back.
She feels so good.

“I never used to think of more than the moment or my payback until I let myself be swept away by you.” He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, trying to starve off the wave of painful memories. He failed.

“I made you feel when you didn’t want to. I made you dream.” Pulling back, she swiped at her tears. Lifting her chin, she sucked in a shaky breath, saying, “You won’t allow yourself to do that now, will you?”

He nodded. “This is killing me, Jewel. I just can’t have my heart ripped out of me when it all turns sour, not again.”

“And with me it’s inevitable.” The sadness in her voice shot straight through him, leaving scars behind. “Now I know where I stand, what about Sean? You promised you’d go see him play in his football game this week. And help him fix up his new room. And teach him about computers. What about all that?”

“You know I always keep my promises, dollface,” he said gently, still awed and humbled by her ability to accept him the way he was.
It must have cost her plenty.
“I’ll find the time for Sean. As for you—”

She covered his mouth with her soft hand. “No, Devon, don’t say anything. I don’t want to be disappointed.”

His middle clutched. Grabbing her hand, he kissed it tenderly, and then moved it away. “I just want to make it work so all of us are happy.” He knew what he had to do and with Jewel’s help they would solve everything together.

“Oh, Devon, how can you say that when you want to turn our world upside down?”

Confused, he asked, “How’s that?”

Sighing wearily, she faced him. Despair shone in the depths of her eyes. “By digging up the past about your father and mine. Can’t you just leave it be?”

He jerked away from her, breaking all contact. A part of him regretted the distance, his empty arms aching for her. The other half rallied his age-old vengeance. “I can’t. And you shouldn’t even bother to ask why not. I not only have myself to think about here, but Sean as well.”

She planted her hands on her hips. “The hell you are.”

That only infuriated him more. But the fire in her eyes and the undisguised emotions written all over her features stunted his train of thought. In all the time he’d known her he’d never seen her like this, so open, so completely honest. Admiration sparked bright.
Maybe we should have done this years ago. Things would have been so different if we had.

Hauling his mind back on track, he said, “I owe it to Sean to find out the truth.”

“Maybe what we already know
is
what really happened. Did you ever think of that?”

A dart of pain stabbed his gut. Freed from any kind of restrictions, he tossed it right back at her. “And maybe you don’t want to find out the truth because it would shed a bad light on your old man.”

The color in her face drained. In a way, he longed to yank every word back, shield her from all this. “Are you accusing my father of embezzling the money, then blaming yours?”

“Exactly.”

“And you intend to uncover all this. How? By digging up every ruthless, calculated thing Simon Wainwright ever did? Well, I’ve got news for you, Devon, it will take years, and that’s just with his own family.”

“See, you admit it.”

“My mother and I
lived
it. But it doesn’t mean he stole the money. If he did, where is it now? He certainly would have used it to save his failing business. You and I both know how much breeding and training horses meant to him.”

That gave him something to consider, something he’d never regarded before. He didn’t believe for a moment that was the case however. Clear and simple, Wainwright stole the money and framed his partner. What he did with the loot remained to be discovered. “If he’s clean—”

“Which you doubt.” Exasperation edged her tone.

He continued as if uninterrupted. “Then what does it matter in the long run to you?” He took the plunge and asked her what he’d wanted to for days now. “Why don’t we join forces and investigate it together? You were there in that house. You must know what went on. Or at least what happened to all his old business files.”

Shaking her head vehemently, she said, “No, I won’t be a part of your destroying our son’s life.”

Had he heard right? “Destroying? I’ll be setting the record straight for him.”

She threw up her hands. “He’s eleven. His world consists of his friends and whether or not they like him. Yes, he wants attention from them, to be considered cool and accepted. If you pursue this and stir up all the old stuff and more about my father, Sean will be in the spotlight, but not the one he needs or wants.”

Her sound reasoning crashed down on him. He fought back, but in the back of his mind he questioned how it would affect his son. “So, you’d prefer to protect your father while mine has been maligned for years. In a sense, aren’t you a party to keeping one of his grandfathers’ names muddy?”

“That happened twenty years ago and is only whispered about on occasion. If you drag it all up again, it will be fresh and new for Sean. He doesn’t deserve to be hurt like that.”

“And I did?” His heart squeezed in his chest, knowing exactly what Sean would face; he had at nearly the same age as his son.

“Of course not. But let that part of our past rest, Devon.”

“What are you teaching him then? To ignore the skeletons? To graciously accept someone else’s view of how a man, a good man at that, lived his life?”