Crossing Values (6 page)

Amber nodded briefly. “It’s good. Giving me a few things to think about.”

“Like what?”

“Well, I guess I don’t really have a problem with believing there is a God or a supreme being of some kind. But I look at the world and just see pain and chaos. Sure, I might have a few good days in a row, but they never last. Yet this God is supposed to be full of love?”

“A lot of people struggle with that.”

“If God really has the power to create this world, and if He truly loves me, then why . . .” Her voice faded.

Peter waited.

“Why is there so much pain? Can He not stop it? Is He powerful enough to make things but not powerful enough to control them? Or does He simply not care about what’s going on down here?”

“Those are good questions, ones that a lot of people ask, including Christians. I’ve worked through them myself, not that I understand everything that happens in and around my family. Does God love me and my family? Yes, I’m confident of it. Even though life’s not always easy. God doesn’t always make sense. Probably the most difficult situation for me was reconciling God’s love with my older sister dying.”

“Your older sister died?”

“Yeah. Jamie. She was two years older than me and loved to help Mom in the kitchen. They were always cooking or baking, filling the house with all kinds of smells, mostly good. She was ten years old when she died. She just got sick that spring and never recovered.” Peter closed his eyes for a moment, lost in his memory.

“It was probably roughest on Mom. She really struggled for a long time, not wanting to go to church or talk much to her friends. Sometimes she would walk into the kitchen and just cry because Jamie wasn’t there with her.”

“It’s hard to imagine your mom like that.”

Peter offered a quick prayer for wisdom. He heard strain in Amber’s voice and wondered again about her pain. Could it be the death of a sibling?

“It was a couple years before she really began turning things around.”

They reached the edge of the river and spent a couple moments in silence. It had been a while since he’d last thought about those awful months after Jamie died. The sounds of the river calmed his spirit.

“Dad said you plan to head further east when the snow melts.”

Silence.

“Are you moving closer to family?”

“No,” said Amber quietly.

“Then why east?”

“I guess because I’ve never been there before.”

“You are moving just because you’ve never been there?”

Silence.

“What does your family think?” said Peter.

“I don’t know.”

“What do you mean, you ‘don’t know’? Amber, you’ve said you’re not sure where they are. Does your family know anything about your plans?”

“I don’t know where my family is and I don’t care what they think.”

Peter was speechless for a moment. His parents meant the world to him and he couldn’t imagine traveling on vacation without their knowledge, much less moving across the country. “I’m not sure what to say, Amber. I don’t understand.”

“What’s to understand? My family isn’t like yours. My parents and I just don’t get along. I’m better off without them.”

“How long have you been on your own, Amber?”

She sighed deeply. “About ten years, I guess.”

Ten years? Peter tried not to show too much shock. “How old were you when you left?”

“Sixteen.”

“What happened?” The question was barely more than a whisper but the pain he saw deepening in Amber’s eyes told Peter she’d heard him. He quietly waited for her answer.

“Amber?”

As he watched her closely, she fought for control, blinking her eyes rapidly. Reaching down to pick up an old stick, she began peeling away pieces of the bark.

“Amber.”

She looked at him and held his gaze for a moment.

“I want to help. What happened?”

“Nothing that can be fixed.” She looked past him into the forest, then down at the stick that was quickly being shredded. “Nothing that really matters.”

“It matters to me.”

Her hands stopped working and she closed her eyes. Tears began flowing down her cheeks. Peter closed the distance between them and took her icy hands in his. She jerked back, but he held firm.

“It matters, Amber. Please, tell me.”

“Why? Why does this matter? I’ll be out of your way in a couple months and you can forget all about me. I’m just a stranger passing through town, no one of any importance that you need concern yourself with.”

The speed of her words betrayed her emotions. Peter sensed a tight control she struggled to maintain.

He watched her spin on her heel and take off toward his parents’ home. Her tears would not be missed by his mother’s sharp eyes and he knew she would offer comfort.

Peter ran his hand through his hair. If only we knew what was going on!

Then the Holy Spirit whispered, “Trust.”

“Who, Father? Her, or me?”

Silence.

“I’ll take that to mean both of us,” muttered Peter.

Chapter 8

AMBER PEERED INTO THE RESTAURANT
mirror before heading back to the lunch table. The week had been quiet after her quick retreat from Peter on Monday, but Faye had taken Friday off to go to Portland to get some Christmas shopping done. She’d encouraged Amber to go with her and, with more fresh snow on the ground, Peter insisted on driving them in his Jeep.

The shopping extravaganza had started at Portland’s largest mall then moved on to the upscale mall in downtown. Now they were meeting Brittney for lunch at Romano’s Macaroni Grill before moving on to their final stop of the day.

Despite the crowds, shopping with Faye had actually been fun. She had roamed from store to store with purpose, knowing what kinds of gifts she was looking to buy for each person. They had laughed together at one sweater overloaded with sequins and glitter and tested the patience of the chocolatier as they tried multiple samples before choosing which to purchase for Frank.

Peter had dropped them off at doors and called Faye’s cell phone periodically to grab packages from them to deposit in the Jeep while intermittently disappearing to do his own shopping.

Now keep it together, girl, Amber chided herself. You’ve not had any emotional scenes in four days. Let’s keep it that way! She sighed as she opened the bathroom door and headed back to the table, taking her seat beside Faye. Brittney was suppressing a giggle, eyeing her brother.

“Wherever could it have come from?” She batted her eyelashes at Peter, trying to play innocent, but the gleam in her eyes proved she knew exactly from where “it” had come.

“Stuff it, Britt.” Peter couldn’t keep his own grin from appearing. “You know full well where the green dye in my shampoo came from.”

Amber couldn’t hide her shock. Green dye? In his shampoo?

“If I hadn’t seen it before I put it in my hair, I’d have looked like a pickle for a week.”

Brittney couldn’t hold her laughter.

“As it was, I had to explain the very elfish-looking tint to my left hand for three days.”

Faye giggled. “You two. I cannot imagine where you get it.”

“Mother!” Peter and Brittney said in unison. The three burst out laughing, looking from one to the other.

“Well, isn’t this quite a scene.”

All four heads turned to see who was talking.

“Stephanie. It’s good to see you,” said Peter.

“Yes, Stephanie,” said Faye. “How nice to see you. Are you doing some shopping today?”

Amber took in the fashionably dressed woman from the top of her perfectly combed hair to the tips of her heeled pumps.

“Yes, Faye, I am. The Christmas benefit for Doernbecher Children’s Hospital is next week and I need a dress. Will I see you there, Brittney?”

“Oh, I doubt it.”

“Oh, goodness. We’re being rude!” said Faye. “Amber, this is Stephanie.”

“Amber’s helping out in the office,” said Peter.

“Well, we are a bit far from there, aren’t we,” said Stephanie.

“Yes, but Amber is proving herself quite capable in a number of areas,” said Faye. “This morning would have been stressful without her. I’m very thankful she allowed me to drag her along.”

Amber felt the tension rising. Faye’s quiet demeanor whenever Stephanie’s name came up at home made sense now that she was meeting the woman. Amber didn’t return the shrewd looks coming her way, choosing to people watch around the restaurant instead.

“Looks like pizza’s here,” said Brittney.

“Will you join us?” said Peter. “I can pull up an extra chair.”

“No, thank you. I must be going. Still much to accomplish today. Peter, I will see you tomorrow night, correct.”

Peter barely nodded his head before Stephanie offered a short farewell and disappeared out of the restaurant almost as quickly as she had appeared.

“Thank goodness skinny buns won’t touch greasy food!”

“Britt!”

“Come on, Peter. We both know fancy pants values her model-thin figure too much to dare eat anything as unhealthy as pizza. And as much as I love you, I cannot understand what you see in that woman. She’s—”

“Can we change the subject, please?” said Faye. “We are having a splendid day and I refuse to let you two get into a squabble and ruin it. Peter, why don’t you offer the blessing so we can eat? I’m starving!”

: : : : :

Amber paused on the stairs and watched Peter arranging gifts under the Christmas tree. He turned to reach for a larger present near the couch and caught her gaze.

“Would you like to help me? I do okay at the shopping and normally pay the store clerks to wrap the boxes, but I can never quite get everything under the tree to Mom’s satisfaction.”

She smiled. “As many times as I’ve seen your mom in here the past few days rearranging these presents, I’m not sure I’ll do any better than you.”

“Then at least come help me so when she does redo them I’ll know it’s not because I didn’t enlist the best help in the house.”

Amber descended the last two steps, crossed to the tree, and knelt down to begin making room toward the back for the larger gifts. As she began to take in the full magnitude of the gifts he needed placed around the tree, she asked, “Are all these presents just for your mom and dad?”

“No,” said Peter. “The whole family gathers here on Christmas Eve. Logan and Heather will be here with their three kids. And Britt will bring Pops as soon as she gets off shift.”

“How did he get the name Pops?”

“Logan named him that when he was first learning to talk and it just kinda stuck. He prefers it to his given name, Flemming.” Peter drew the name out, making it sound absurd.

“You’ve always been surrounded by your family, haven’t you?” That question burned. The light-hearted chatter suddenly weighed heavy on Amber.

“Yeah. For better and worse, when we love each other and annoy each other.” Peter chuckled. “And we love Christmas around here.” He paused. “When was your favorite Christmas, Amber?”

She reflected on Christmases of the past, nibbling a bit on her lip. My favorite Christmas? Memories from childhood came flooding back. “I guess it was when I was ten and we’d just found out that Mom was pregnant with Keith. Ryan was just six and fascinated by all the lights and tinsel, and Cassie . . .” Her voice trailed off into silence and her eyes welled up with tears. Cassie, oh Cassie! How much I miss you!

Peter gently touched her hand and she jumped in response.

When did he move closer?

“What happened to Cassie?”

Amber tried clearing her throat. Peter had lost a sister. He could relate to part of her story. But what would he think of the rest?

“She . . . we . . .” Amber tried to get the words out but nothing would come. Her heart wanted to burst. She closed her eyes against the tears, but this time they would not be stopped.

“What on earth?” said Faye. She crossed to where Amber sat on the floor, placing a hand on her back. As Faye pulled Amber’s hair back from her face, she said, “What is it?”

And Amber could take no more. The gentleness in Peter’s eyes, the tenderness in Faye’s touch. For the first time in her life, Amber let the sobs come.

: : : : :

A long time later, Amber sat comfortably on the couch with Faye. At some point during her cry, Frank had joined them and stuffed his handkerchief into her hand. Her eyes were burning as she began her tale.

“Christmas 1992 was just about perfect. My dad’s job was going great and the tree was loaded with presents. I remember I got a stereo that year. We lived in California and my sister Cassie had just learned to ride her bike without training wheels. I think her favorite gift that year was the pink streamers for her handlebars. My brother Ryan was six and completely fascinated by all the lights, and Mom had just told us she was pregnant with Keith.”

“Since Ry loved the lights so much, Dad decided that for New Year’s we would go down to the beach and watch the fireworks. It was special because normally Mom was so strict about bedtimes. Ry wasn’t sure whether to be excited or scared. He couldn’t wait to see the lights twinkling, but every time one would crackle or boom, he’d turn his face into Dad’s neck,” said Amber, grinning at the memory.

“I was freezing and just wanted to go home. But not Cassie. She loved every minute. Her eyes were glued to the sky, watching for each tiny burst, giggling and clapping. And on the drive home she was chattering non-stop. It got on my nerves and I got so frustrated that I yelled at her to be quiet.” Amber looked down at her hands.

“Mom screamed too, but not at me. I didn’t understand at the time what was happening. The next thing I knew, I was being pulled from the car by a fireman and handed off to EMS workers.”

Amber paused in her story and took a couple deep breaths. She’d never shared this with anyone, never been able to think about that night without tears coming to her eyes.

“I found out later that a drunk driver had crossed the center line and slammed right into Cassie’s door. She never had a chance of surviving. The rest of us escaped with lots of bumps and bruises. Dad had to get stitches in both arms from trying to get to Cassie.”