Crown's Chance at Love (58 page)

I take a deep breath after wiping my own face. Then place my hands back on his chest.

“What about the other thing?” I ask, my voice shaky, scared of his answer.

“What other thing?” he asks searching in my eyes. I can’t seem to look into his eyes so I look down.

“Mediocre sex, can you live with mediocre sex?” I ask softly, and I feel his hand come up to my chin pulling my face up so that I’m now looking into his eyes. The expression he has on his face makes me want to have hope.

“Sweetheart… I didn’t mean shit of what I said, especially that! You are the best I ever had… fuck baby when I was saying all the shit, all I could think about was how you were the best I was never going to have again.” I sigh wanting to believe him. Almost like he can see this so he continues talking.

“Baby, when we are together, even just like this. You sitting on my lap close to me, close enough for you to feel my heartbeat and I can feel yours, it’s better than anything I have ever had in the past. You are better than I should get or deserve, but I’m a complete bastard. ‘Cause even though I know you deserve better I want you to be mine. I’m asking you to give me one more chance. I know I fucked up but I don’t want to live without you. I want that future I saw for us.” He says then kisses my shoulder, and leans his head on it, his arms holding me tight into his warm strong body. I just want to completely give in to what he’s asking.

I want so much from this man, yet now what I want somehow terrifies me.

***

Mike

She is looking at me like she is trying to figure out what to say. Then she stares out the car window across from her watching the city pass us by. She feels so damn good in my arms, I’m not sure I could ever give her up. Soft and warm, her body sitting on mine. My hands can’t seem to get enough of her. I know I’m holding her tightly, but I don’t want her far from me. I need her close. I can’t seem to read what she is going to say and I know there is still a chance she will be the one to push me away this time.

“Mike,” she says still looking out the window and she sighs. Then she turns to face me. Her hands go up to my face and cup my cheeks. Fuck if I don’t just love when she does this. I fucking love her. I know right this second isn’t the best time to tell her, but I will… soon.

“I have to be honest.” My heart suddenly doesn’t feel as optimistic as it just had a second ago.

“Now I am the one who’s scared.” Her voice has a slight tremble to it, and it makes me nervous.

“You run hot and cold. Maybe if it was just me that was in the picture I could see things through and jump without a second thought. But we both know that it’s not just me. I’m part of a team. The kids know something’s up. They’re attached to you, they ask about you Mike. But last weekend, Mark and Chris were really upset you didn’t go with them to the Chargers game, Nick took them instead. Then Penny didn’t understand why you said you would be at her recital and not go. The whole night she peeked through the curtain to see if you had shown up. After the recital she didn’t mention you again. Mark looks at me like he is worried, and Chris doesn’t even ask about you since the whole thing with the game.” She shakes her head, her eyes sad as she looks at me.

“I just think you really have to think things through. This thing between us. At the end of the day, maybe it is too much baggage for you.” Silent tears fall down her beautiful face and I wipe them away.

“No… it isn’t.” My voice is hoarse. “Want to know the future I saw for us?”  

She just stares at me so I tell her.

“Us getting married, maybe having one or two more kids together.  If you wanted to. If not I’m okay. We would have to move because your house babe is beautiful, but no way it would fit all of us. I know Sean’s their dad, but I want to be someone the kids know they can count on. I want to adopt them. They don’t have to take my name, but I do want them to be protected legally and financially. I love those kids like they were my own Sabrina. I hated letting them think I was just a flake who didn’t give a shit anymore.”

“I want to talk to the boys about girls, scare the living shit out of every guy who picks up Penny for a date. I want to stand next to you taking pictures of them and their friends when they are about to leave to proms. I want to be at their graduations sitting right next to you, holding up signs as we scream as loud as we can when they walk to receive their diplomas. Sit in fucking rocking chairs watching a house full of grandkids running around while I get to hold your hand.” More silent tears fall from her beautiful face and I tuck her into me, her head under my chin.

“I can’t promise that I won’t have my moments because it’s me.” I smile at her and she gives me a half smile.

“But I will promise that I’ll talk things out with you. No more hot and cold shit. I want to be your partner in this. I’ll be the man you need. The man I know I am, because you bring him out of me. I will stand by your side in everything. I won’t blow smoke and say it’ll be butterflies and rainbows because I’m sure we’ll argue and disagree, but you’ll always know that no matter what, I am on your side right next to you for as long as we live.”

“I don’t think about him when I see you,” she whispers looking me straight in the eyes.

I feel like time has somehow frozen and I’m a little panicked at her talking about something I have brought up but we haven’t really talked about.

“You keep saying that you don’t want to be a reminder of him, of what I lost when he died. I don’t. Not once. You don’t even remind me of the connection you and I have when it comes to the subject. Yeah maybe at one point it was connected to Sean and Patrick with the accident, but we have to let go of that. You need to let go… completely Mike. You didn’t kill Sean.” Her eyes are wide and honest. She takes my breath away at the way she brings up my fears and demons and somehow slays my fucking dragons. I see the determination in her warm brown eyes and know she isn’t done.

“If we do this. If we try again… I need you to let it go. Reese and your mom and whoever else has an issue with it… they will have to deal with it. We can’t let everyone else’s opinion influence what we have, because at the end of the day it’s only us. It isn’t them that will be laying down next to us night after night. But Mike, YOU have to let it go. I can’t go on feeling like you are with me because of some weird guilt thing. Like you are somehow making things right by being with me. Some weird type of big brother duty thing.”

“What?” I ask a little confused.

“Are you with me trying to correct a wrong that Patrick did by being with me?” she asks and as ridiculous as this sounds I can see it in her eyes that she is serious.

“No, of course not!” I can feel myself start to scowl.

“Then? Please. You have to let it go, the guilt you feel…”

“You need to know I am not him,” I say gravely and to this she smiles. “I won’t ever be able to live up his memory, to who he was.”

“Oh Mike,” she whispers. Her lips come to mine and she kisses me slowly and sweetly still having a smile on her lips.  

“You are SO NOT HIM.” She laughs and it feels good to hear her laugh. “You guys are completely different, like night and day.” She smiles brightly, her eyes filled with something.

“You are not the hearts and flowers type or romantic. You frustrate the living hell out of me sometimes. Not to mention that getting you to talk about how you feel is like pulling teeth. You go from scorching hot to arctic cold in a minute flat.” Hearing her saying this, imagining that Sean was the opposite, I frown. I could be hearts and flowers, I could be romantic. Yet something about the softness in her voice brings me out of my thoughts.

“But you brought me back. I had been walking around like a damn robot for three years thinking I had been doing a good job of hiding it. Not knowing I wasn’t fooling anyone.” Her hands are on my face and her forehead’s on mine.

“You made me feel again, see things in bright colors. Sean’s gone and I mourned him, but life goes on. He will always have a part of my heart, I can’t lie to you and tell you otherwise, but you are in there too. He wouldn’t want me alone. I know he would want me to meet someone. I almost think he would have liked you. He might have even sent you to me. Who needs hearts and flowers? I don’t need all that romantic stuff.”

“What do you need?” I ask. I swallow hard, her eyes on my mouth, getting dark and hungry.

“You,” she whispers. “I just need you.”

“Please tell me you are saying what I hope you are saying?”

“Yeah,” she whispers a little breathlessly. “One more chance. Just please Mike…” she whispers into my ear. “This time baby… let me in, it has to be a two way street. That is one thing I can’t negotiate on. You want to be there for me, please let me be there for you. Let me in,” she whispers against my lips and my heart is soaring. I crush my mouth onto hers and she wraps her arms even tighter around my neck.

“I will baby. I promise,” I say against her soft lips and I can feel her smile. Minutes fly by until we feel the car slow down and stop, finally at my house. I help her adjust her dress before we open the door.

“Mike…” she starts to say looking a little surprised we are at the beach house, but I just tilt my head, grabbing her hand as we walk towards the door. I close the door behind us turning the lights on. I hadn’t been here since the night I had ended us. I had come here, and I had felt haunted by her, so I had left telling myself I should sell the damn place. I was so glad I hadn’t.

Mike

We walk together towards my room, and I stop.

“Shit!” I say and she frowns.

“What?”

“The kids, do we need to go get them? Who is watching them?” I ask. I can’t believe I’ve been so focused on bringing her back here that I hadn’t thought about the kids being picked up. She smiles at me and I can tell relief washes over her.

“They’re at my mom’s until Wednesday. She’s taking them to school.” I frown. It sounds like something Sabrina’s Mom would enjoy but not something Sabrina would have wanted. Since I’d been in the picture she made it a point to always be together Sundays.

“What about family day Sunday?” I notice she bites the inside of her lip and won’t look me in the eye. “Sabrina?” I say sounding a little too commanding. Mentally noting that I’m going to have to work on that, I notice she sighs loudly.

“Okay, so she knew something was up. I couldn’t … I couldn’t tell the kids that you were out of our lives. I was just… holding on to hope. But after that day in your office this week, my mom talked to me. She said she wouldn’t be walking on eggshells anymore. No more robot distant Sabrina. That I needed to use this time to figure it out with you. Whether it meant to walk away or try to fight for you. So she suggested that I get a break and think things through, use the trip to Seattle to figure it out. That whatever I decide they would support me.”

A couple of things race through my mind at this moment: her mom had wanted her to fight for me? That meant she liked me, didn’t it? Is she still going to Seattle? Then the last thing that ran through my mind was, what had she picked?

“You gave up?” I hoarsely whisper and she flinches then looks at the floor.

“Honestly what did you expect from me Mike? All those things you said. Then the day in your office you didn’t even look at me when I walked in on you and Holly. It looked like I had interrupted something between you too. Her hands were in your hair and she was whispering in your ear…”

“I was upset about you. I broke down and told her the truth about why I pushed you away…” I chime in but she just looks at me.

“Then in the lobby, it was almost like you wanted to be reassured I wouldn’t make problems for you. That you wanted to make sure I would silently disappear. At least that’s how I felt. You didn’t give me too much to hold on to,” she says sounding tired and frustrated.

As hurt as I feel at the idea of her ready to walk away from me I know she is right. I’d done my damnest to push her away. Then when she had been at my office in the lobby of the building, I hadn’t stepped up and told her how I had really felt. Instead my indecisiveness had given her the impression that I was worried she would create a problem for me.

“You’re right. I’m so sorry Sabrina. I will never do that again, I swear to you,” I say and I hold her close, kissing her gently, and I love that she lets me.