Crush (39 page)

Our budget isn’t very big, and after we book our flight, the hotel, and the chapel, after we order our cake, lemon flavored, with white and yellow buttercream frosting, we’re practically out of money.

“Leave it to me,” says Ma.
“Me too,” adds Stacy, and they hurry down to a cute little market where they buy enough chicken breasts to feed fifteen to twenty people twice, three big loaves of sourdough, some fresh veggies, sour cream, sprigs of rosemary and other herbs, butter, and three bottles of pink and peach champagne. “Okay,
now
we’re broke,” Ma laughs.
You guys are so great…you shouldn’t have done all this
, I tell them when they’re done slicing and sautéing and cooking.
You shouldn’t have spent all your money.
“You’ll change your mind when you taste it,” says Stacy.
We use the nice copper pots and pans and casserole dishes from our hotel rooms to carry the food in. The menu is chicken breasts cooked in butter and sour cream with rosemary and baby portabella mushrooms, sourdough toast with garlic butter, a simple mix of cooked vegetables, and cake and champagne.
The chapel is decorated in red and yellow roses and white ribbons and bows. Stacywears her prettiest red dress and sparkly red shoes, like Dorothy’s ruby slippers, as she takes me to Tammy. Ma, wearing a dress printed in red and black flowers and leaves, sits down, having delivered her son to the front.
Tammy’s in his black tux, and I’m too nervous to process how good he looks until we look at our wedding photos later on. I wear white tweed pants and a bright white filmy shirt, its collar lapels embossed with flowers, butterflies, and other pretty things in white thread.
Stacy gives me to Tammy, then she and his cousin Natalie, twenty-three years old with dark hair and emerald eyes identical to Tammy’s and Ma’s, sing the songs we picked for the wedding. The girls’ voices are gorgeous, and theyboth look beautiful, Stacy in her red frock and Natalie in a simple little black spaghetti strap

this. I can’t saymyvows to Tammy. I have to let the judge saythem and all I can do is nod. It doesn’t feel right, and my emotions are so tangled up that I angrily stamp my feet. It’s pure stress, and I’ll be glad to have it over with, at least
this
part, standing in front of our family and friends, my voice lodged, my head pounding, my heart slamming, mybladder suddenlyfull.

Tammy’s eyes never avert from mine as he recites his handwritten vows. My ears are ringing. I hear people laughing lightly…I just smile, myeyes darting around like those of a trapped rabbit. I don’t hear the judge telling us we’re married…I wanted to hear those legal words out of his official mouth…Suddenly Tammy’s bowing to kiss me. Mylips are numb again. I hardlyfeel it. We turn to face our family and friends, having just crossed the line in the sand from Single-pore into Marriedland. Myknees are like water. I need to sit down.

Marilyn comes up to me afterward and hugs me. “Angel, I’m so glad you found someone to love you. I always noticed the sadness in your eyes…and I don’t see that anymore. I think you will be very happy…you deserve happiness.” She looks over at Tammy. “He sure is a good-looking babe,” she exclaims. “You’re lucky!”

She turns to my husband and says, “You take good care of this little angel…you be good to him…”
“I will,” Tammypromises.

We’re both naked less than ten minutes after Stacy and Ma leave to go eat. I wish like hell we would have gone with them… Tonight, he wants to go down on me, he says, and he won’t take no for an answer.

I don’t want to hurt his feelings tonight. Tonight is our first night of married life.
Cold shivers run down my back as I sit gingerly on the stillmade bed. Tammy sits close to me, expectantly, tentatively stroking myshoulder and kissing the back of myneck.
No…I’m not agreeing to this. I
can’t
...
I don’t want it.
I just plain don’t
want
it.
I can go my entire life without this. I offer to first be the giver instead of the recipient, easily convincing him by telling him that it’s onlyfair I give him a gift first, since he gives and buys me twice as much as I do him. If I can tire him out, or myself, maybe I can get off the hook.
Nope. In spite of how happy Tammy is when I’m through, he’s not going to forget it. Quietly, we bicker, Tammywith his voice, me with mystupid damn notepad.
I can’t just miraculously erase my association of studded belts and glowing cigarette tips with what Tammy wants to do to me.
But he won’t let up. “Please, Jamie…please let me…let me…I want to show you how beautiful…how wonderful, I think you

^are…”
No
! I write.
Please stop asking me, Tammy. Please. This is our wedding night. I want it to be beautiful.
“It will be, Jamie…if you let me love you…please…”
By this time, I’m crying. I’m not going to let Tammy have his way…I’m not going to put myself through that…
…and yet I still feel guilty.
And it makes me so angry.
At him.
I shove him away, run to the bathroom and throw up in the toilet.
Why can’t he leave me alone about this?! Why is he doing this to me?!
He’s on the other side of the door, rattling the locked knob frantically. “Jamie! I’m sorry! Please let me in! Please let me in!”
I roll into a ball on the bathroom floor.
You’re always crying
, I think to myself.
You’re always so sad… you’re always so fucking
sad
…
“Please, Jamie…I’m sorry! Come out…forget about it…I won’t make you if you don’t want to…you know that…come on… please…come out…or let me in…Baby, please…”
Now he’s crying again too, of course…
I’m not doing this to be
cruel
to him!
Whycan’t he
see
?! Whycan’t he
understand
?!
I remember the things he said to me the night I was attacked and left for dead.
“Let me love you. Let me care. Let me in. You haven’t let me totally in.”
I recall the first time he had attempted to make love to me with his mouth, and I had screamed bloodymurder, had curled my bodyup, such horrid images before me that I covered myeyes.
“
Don’t you trust me?”
he had asked.
Trust.
Well, there it is. Do I trust Tammy? Do I?
I love him, yeah…but do I
trust
him?
Whydid I marryhim…if I can’t put mytrust into him?
“Jamie? Jamie?”
It’s not about Tammy
, I argue with myself.
Are you a porn star?
they had asked that night.
Do you like fucking your Daddy?
No! I had never
liked
it!
But you’re such a good actor…could have fooled me
.
I was doing what Mommy told me to. I didn’t want her to
…
“Jamie, please open the door…”
But she did, didn’t she? She did it anyway. She hit you and burned you every single time. You did exactly what she wanted, how she wanted. You did it perfectly, like a little porn star. So…if you knewshe was going to hit you anyway, why did you do it?
Because I always thought, Maybe this one time, she’ll hug me and kiss me and tell me what a
good
boy I am.
She never did…
All I ever wanted was for them to love me.
Tammy pounds harder on the door. “Come on, Jamie! I’m sorry! Please!”
You were nothing to them. You were garbage. That’s all you were. That’s all you’ll ever be. Don’t ever decide to have a child… don’t even bother. You’ll just become your own Daddy.
No…I could never do that to a child! I’d rather die!
It runs in families…that kind of thing…
I’d rather have been beaten to death! Why did they have to find me?
Because I prayed. I prayed for you to come home to me.
Maybe you shouldn’t have…I don’t want to live if I’m a bad person…I don’t want to be a child molester! I’d rather die!
Stop it!
I mean it!
You’re not a child molester.
I’m not talking to the Accuser anymore.
Every time you ask me to let you do that, I feel like I’m going to become Daddy.
You’re not him!
I can’t believe him…I can’t trust him…he’s only saying these things to make me feel better, to trick me into giving in to him.
How do I
know
? Howdo I knowI don’t have the same compulsions, the same perversions? I’d rather die than hurt a child! I’d rather go through it again
myself
than do it to anybody.
That’s why you’re not him. I’ve seen your soul too, Jamie… you’re not an evil person…you’re not…you’re good…
I stand up, wipe myeyes.
You promise?
I promise, Baby. Open the door. Let me in
.
I blink.
Tammy?
Yeah….
Am I
talking
to you?
Yes, you’re talking.
I’m talking?!
You are…
I
am!
I open the door to him, walk right into him, throw myself against him, cling to him. His arms rope around me, crush me against him. His lips ravage mine. “Jamie…Jamie…Jamie…” Immediately I’m sinking, drowning. He kisses my neck, my chest, my tummy. I’m throbbing, I’m erect, I’m burning in a sea of magma. “Tammy…Tammy…Tammy…Ohmygod!”
But as soon as I realize he still wants to do it…that thing I don’t want, I begin to freeze.
I can’t let it go…The fire crystallizes as Mommy’s gravelly voice sweeps over me…
You’re a dirty boy, Jamie…you’re filthy dirty…
Now my body won’t respond…I’m cold, numb, flaccid, lifeless. I’m not even shivering. I’m cold as death.
Don’t turn off your feelings, Jamie
,
he had pleaded on Christmas Eve in my living room, frantically searching my eyes…

He kisses my cold, numb lips. Come back…come back… please…
I’m afraid, I whisper, paralyzed, cold, in the dark.
Look at me, Tammy whispers.
I can’t. Even myeyes are frozen.
Please…look at me, Jamie…
I let out a small breath. It’s frozen too.
Look at me, Baby…
His voice…God…I can’t ignore it…I never could! Myeyes stab into his angrily. “
What
?” I sob. “What do you
want
from me?”
“I want you to let me in…let me in…”
“I have!”
“More, Jamie, more…I want to be so close to you that you’ll never, ever be afraid again. I want to erase everyhorrible thing they did…”
“You won’t!” I hiss.
“Let me try, Baby, please!” His eyes delve deeply into me. “Please,” he whispers. “Let me try…let me try…”
I’m paralyzed. I can’t move. To reject him. To permit him.
I can’t move…I can’t move…
“Push me away,” he croons, and mybreath deserts me.
“Go on…push me away,” he repeats.
“I can’t…” I cryin anguish. “I can’t…”
I can’t help it. He sees myeyes, how much I adore him, how much I want to let him do whatever he wants, how much I want to let go of this terror. His voice melts the steel around myheart. His lips touch mine, Mommy disappears and the flames leap again. Tammy’s hands clasp around my ass as he grinds against me. “You’re so beautiful,” he sobs as our mouths come together noisily in those sexy, nakedly honest, scorching closed mouthed kisses. Slowly, my body warms, and the same crushing lust-love that has forever kept me at Tammy’s mercy makes my tummy liquefy, my thighs tingle, my pelvis clench, my asshole pucker, my cock swell and throb in time with my wildly beating heart. His whispering pleas caress me inside, “Please, Jamie…let me love you…let me…let me show you everything I feel…please… please…” I gasp as he lifts me into his arms, beyond helpless and struck dumb again, the only sounds from my lips being voiceless, feeble sobs as he carries me to the big bed and lays me down. “I’ll talk you all the way through this, Jamie…I’ll help you…just please…please…let me show you…let me…”
And so I lay, flat on my back on my security blanket, motionless and dizzy with desire and terror that are equally relentless. Mybodyscreams for his lips, but the fear is right there, tainting it, the fear that once mybodydoes what Tammywants it to do, I’ll be ashamed…I’ll be strangled with shame.
He loves you
, I tell myself as his lips begin to travel down my body.
He’s not trying to hurt you.
He’s not your mother.
He’s not your father.
He’s not you. He’s not a child at all.
And you’re not your father.
You are you and he is he. This is love…this is your miracle… this is the miracle you’ve always hoped for. Tammy loves you…
Slowly…I tryto feel what Tammyfeels. I tryto feel the love he has for me. I tryto feel
why
he thinks this is so important.
Don’t turn off your feelings, Jamie
, Tammywhispers.
_{I tryto feel…}

The horror that has kept myskin numb and asleep begins to thaw a little.
I begin to come out of myown head…
…and I feel it…his hot, moist breath melting the frost, searing my skin…his voice, teasing, demanding, promising, sending bolts of lighting crackling through every reawakened, quivering nerve. In spite of how hot I burn, my body, alive and shining, shivers uncontrollably as I lay beneath him, writhing, helpless, lost, myeyes closed tight...
“You’re not dirty,” he rasps as he swipes his rough tongue tirelessly over me, his hunger rapacious, terrifying. “You’re delicious…you’re beautiful…you’re mine…you’re so precious to me, Baby…you’re so wonderful…you don’t even know…you have no
idea
how much I adore you…”
The dam inside my heart blows apart…the pillow under my head becomes soaked as I suck sobbing breaths into mylungs.
“Don’t be afraid of your body, Baby…”
I’m being loved, I’m being worshipped, I’m being controlled, I’m being possessed…I’m completely his…I’m afraid…I feel it coming, and I’m afraid…I’m so afraid…and I love it…I love it…
“This is the holiest part of your body…did you know that, my Baby? Did you know that? No wonder you’ve felt so dirty…they sinned against you…they tried to make you ugly…like they are…” He kisses and gently sucks my most secret flesh, and under the pounding waves, I cry for mercy, but he doesn’t hear me…he’s talking again. “They didn’t win…They’ll never win, Jamie…they can’t…because you’ll always be beautiful…you’re
so
fucking beautiful…”
They’ll never win
, I cryinside.
They’ll never win
…
I struggle to hold onto that as Tammy stops talking and his mouth becomes more loving, more ardent, more relentless. The sheets scrape roughly against my back as I dance and twist and buck into his mouth…I can feel it breaking…something is breaking…as my orgasm begins to come to the surface, ready to pull me up through the whitecaps on this boiling, churning sea I’m