Crush (18 page)

tension. “She’ll be okay,” I say, trying to smile.
“I’m so sorry, Tammy,” he sniffles.
I don’t understand why
he’s
apologizing. He’s the one who

helped her. He’s the one who saved her. “You don’t think I’m mad at
you
, do you?”
“No.”

But I’m not convinced “Don’t worryabout Mom,” I say, and he flinches when I touch him. “They’ll keep an eye on her.” My voice shakes.
How can he think I’m going to
hit
him?!
I recall that long ago day when I yelled at him about the ball. I still haven’t gotten over it. What the hell was
wrong
with me? I’m such a fucking
prick
…

“Hey…” I saysoftly. “What is it?”
He shrugs.
“Why’d you flinch from me? Did I hurt you?”
“No…I just have funnyreflexes.”
“You have that…what’s it called…fibromyalgia?”
He laughs, sadly. “No…”
“Jamie…”
“Hmmm?”
“I’d never hit you…you know that, right?”
“I know…I flinch all the time…it’s a reflexthing…” “I just lost my temper up there,” I explain guiltily. “I’m feeling

better now. And I’m sure they’ll take care of her in ICU.” “Theybetter, or I’ll raise hell.” His blue eyes are glistening. “She’ll be fine,” I insist, patting him sheepishly.
“She’s not on myfloor now.”
“But she’s on the right floor now, you said so.”
“I know…but now we won’t get to watch TV all night.” He

looks so forlorn I have to suppress a smile. His eyes raise slowly. “Tammy?”
“Hmmm?”
“How long are you going to be here? Till New Year’s?” I gaze at him steadilyuntil he loses the contest. “I’m going to
stay.”
His bodyjumps. “What about your job?”
“I can transfer to the UC Davis station and do my show. I’ve
been wanting to move back home for a few years,” I tell him.
“Besides, Mom needs me.”
He nods with a little smile.
I smile back, willing him to hold eye contact, to show me
what’s inside of him. But he won’t.
“Jamie?”
“Yeah?”
“I’ve missed you.”
His eyes close, his bodyjumps a little again.
“Everytime I came home to visit Mom for a dayor so, I’d look
for you. I couldn’t find you. I even looked in the church…” “We don’t go much anymore.” His dry lips part. “I mean…
I
don’t…”
“I’m sorryabout Lloyd, Jamie…”
He nods.
“I looked for you at The End.”
“We must have been at work that night.”
“You still sing duets with Stace, huh?”
“I won’t sing without her.”
“Are you with her?” I ask, dreading the answer. They’re
Siamese twins, always have been. I’m sure Jamie is gay, but I
wouldn’t be surprised if they became a couple anyway…because
that’s karma. I should have accepted his love when I had the
chance.
“No, Tammy,” he says then. “She’s mybest friend, and I love
her. I’d give mylife for her. But we aren’t like that…”
“Are you with anybody?” I ask in myusual headlong way. He gulps. “No…I don’t go out…”
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“Jamie…I’d…I’d like to…I’d…” I falter, lean closer to him. “I’ve
thought about you constantly…since…”
In a melancholic whisper, “I’ve thought about you too…And I
miss you….”
“I’ve come home because I want to be with you…I always
have.”
“Tammy…I…I…don’t know…”
“Please, Jamie…Please, let’s try. Let’s go out to dinner or
something. I want to get to know you again.”
“You do?”
I nod.
Jamie’s mouth half smiles. He’s still not looking at me. I
don’t know what kind of smile it is. “I have to go back,” he
stammers, and jerkilytries to stand up.
I hold him down by gripping his forearms. “Please, please,
give me another chance.” I close the chasm between us, touch my
lips to the corner of his mouth, feel him tremble. A soft sigh
escapes him, spills over mylips. I shiver.
“I’ll never be mean to you, I’ll never hurt you…ever again…” He says nothing.
“I love you, Jamie. I’ve always loved you.”
“Please,” he sobs. “I have to go back now.”
I let him up, preparing for him to react to my declaration by
walking awayfrom me.
He steps away, walks toward the building…turns back, faces
me. “Are you staying for a while tonight?”
“Yeah,” I choke on myrelief. “I’m gonna go up and sit with her
for a while, then I’m going to call it a night.”
He waits for me and we walk back in together.
While we’re in the elevator, I take his hand. I hear and feel the
change in his breathing, but he doesn’t pull away, and I don’t turn
him loose until we reach his floor and the doors open. He
practically leaps away from me. “Bye.” We regard each other
pensivelyuntil the elevator doors separate us.
It’s not till I get to the house that I realize that I didn’t even
thank him for saving mymother’s life. All I did was throw a tantrum. I’m the reason he was crying.
I can’t sleep.
I have to make it up to him.

The next afternoon, I show up at his front door. His home is out in the country just northeast of town. It’s mostly a brick house, like the ones you’d see in Oklahoma or Kansas. The front porch is cement with a green metal porch swing. Asmall topiary of neatly pruned green bushes with small, glossyleaves encircles the front yard. Pink roses embellish the small flowerbeds along the base of the house.

I relish the look in his eyes when he sees me. “Hi.” “Can I come in?”
His sigh shudders out of him. “Yeah.”
The living room is small and homey, with a hardwood floor,

little braided area rugs, two big overstuffed beige recliners, a big dark blue couch and an oak coffee table. On each piece of furniture a cat dozes. “So…you’re a cat lover too!” I exclaim.

“You like
cats
?” Jamie’s eyes widen to thrice their normal size.
“I love cats. I’ve been volunteering at a cat shelter down

adopted these guys…” His eyes fixon the hardwood floor. “What are their names?” I ask, and he introduces me to
“Misty,” a pretty long haired female with silver and gold fur, a
salmon colored nose, and light gold eyes, a male orange tabby
named “Tigger,” a solid black male named “Sam,” and a beautiful
orange and white long haired male named “Ginger.”
As I hold Ginger and scratch his head, I say, “I came to ask if
you want to come to the Christmas partyat The End with me.” Again, his huge, sapphire eyes widen until I see the whites
all around the irises. He quickly shakes his head. “Oh, no, thank
you, Tammy. I’d better not.”
“Why?” I implore softly. “You have plans? Where are you
going? Can I come with you?” The questions flyout of me before I
can catch them.
“No…I…I’m just going to stayhome tonight.”
“Why?”
He stammers, “It’s…it’s my…first…first Christmas without L
Lloyd…and I’m feeling…I’m…” He gives up and shrugs. I let Ginger off my lap and stand. “Jamie, I need to apologize
to you.”
He backs awaya step and murmurs, “What?”
“I didn’t even thank you last night.”
“For what?”
“You saved myMom’s life.”
He stumbles over his dismissive laugh.
“
You
found the blood clot. Jamie…she could have died if you
hadn’t been there.” I step forward.
He retreats instantly. “It’s just my job…I pay for liability
insurance too, you know.” His smile contorts into an alarmed
grimace as I step forth again, and before he can take another step
back, I kneel down. Of their own accord, my arms go around him,
my face nestles into the crook of his neck. “Thank you, Jamie.
Thank you for saving her.”
Now he’s shivering so violentlythat I’m shaking myself like a
building next to one that’s being detonated. I press him against
me. The mild, musky scent of his skin sends a hot flood into my
dick. “Come on,” I murmur. “Come to the partywith me.” “Oh, n-no, Tammy. Y-you g-go ahead and go. I-I-I’ll onlyr-ruin
it-t. I d-don’t think-k I’ll be m-much f-fun.”
“It won’t be anyfun unless
you’re
there.”
“I’m depressed…I’m…”
“That’s whyyou need to get out.”
“I’ll ruin it for everybody.”
I shake my head slowly, rolling my forehead against his.
“That’s impossible.”
“Please, Tammy…I…”
“Look at me.”
He won’t.
“You can’t spend Christmas all byyourself,” I scold softly. His eyes are clouding over with something I don’t like. “Jamie, look at me.”
His lips barelymove. “I can’t.”
“Yes, you can. Come on, look at me.”
The shaking has stopped. His eyes are lifeless, his bodylike
a mannequin.
“No,” I plead. “Don’t turn off your feelings, Baby, please.” No response.
“Please, look at me, Jamie.”
“I’m scared,” he says, and lets out the breath he’s been
holding.
“Don’t be,” I whisper. He’s not faking this. “Look at me.” An agonized wail, “I can’t!”
“Come on,” I insist. “Come on, look at me.” Patiently, gently, I
coax him. “Come on. Come on, Jamie.” Slowly, agonizingly, his
eyes lift, and when they touch mine, we both gasp as the current,
so familiar and still so mysterious, twists and curls and entwines
itself around us, inside us, between us, drawing us closer…
closer. He can’t hide from me now. Myeyes refuse to leave his. He
stares into me, his eyes caressing me, adoring me. The desire in
those eyes, the guileless lust, the innocent, ravenous hunger,
reaches in, robs me of breath.
I stand on tiptoe to give him my kiss.
He leans over the safety rail on the shopping cart, and I
receive his…
Myarms are like boas around his slender form, crushing him
closer, closer. For an eternal moment, we’re motionless, his lips
so close I can taste his warm breath. Then he’s kissing me, his
lips latching fiercely to mine, releasing, latching on again,
releasing. He struggles to free himself, sobbing, “I’m sorry!” “I’m not!” My arms tighten around him again. “I’m not,” I
repeat and fasten my mouth to his. The sweet, almost-forgotten
taste of him drives me crazyas our lips meet and part in a frenzyof
firm, moist kisses. The soft yearning sounds escaping his throat
reach all the wayinto mycore, and I almost come.
I release him, we labor for our breaths, and I say, “You’re
coming with me to that Christmas party.”
He nods.
“Yeah, I
know
you are,” I growl, kissing him softlyon the place
where his shoulder joins his neck. I take his hand, refuse to let go,
all but dragging him out to mycar, opening the passenger door for
him, smiling inwardly at the look on his face. I love this. I’ve never
had anything close to this.And I want this. I want to treat him like a
prince. He deserves nothing less.
As soon as I’m belted into the driver’s seat, I seize his hand
again. His eyes flyup to meet mine, his lips part in a gaping smile.
It’s here.
It’s been here since that day in church over a
decade and a half ago, since that day in line at a supermarket
thirtyyears ago.
It’s always been here.
Where else would it be?
Where else had it
ever
been?

“We’re going to eat first,” Tammy says, one hand on the wheel and the other holding mine prisoner. “Where to?”
I’m still in shock. “W-Wherever you w-want.” I don’t tell him I hate eating in front of people. I’ll get something inexpensive, like a salad, and I’ll hide most of it in a napkin and flush it when I get a chance. It isn’t because I’m watching my weight. It isn’t because I think Tammywill think I’m a pig if I eat something that actuallyhas flavor. It’s because I need to be calm. I need to keep my head. I need to maintain jurisdiction, because right now I’m so scared I’m readyto shit mypants.
He smells the same…he tastes the same
…
He picks a nice Sizzler-esque restaurant with a huge bar of potatoes, salads, breads, pastas and desserts. My stomach doesn’t know whether to cramp with hunger or churn with nausea. I love food as much as anyone. I could shovel these goodies down and rupture mystomach like anyglutton.
But I like to stayempty. I like to staystrong.
I hope he’s not planning to payfor both of us. It was his idea to have dinner, but if I can just pay for my own meal, I can order a nice simple green salad.
“What do you want,” he asks as we get in line.
“I’m just gonna get a salad,” I say, digging into mywallet.
“Put that away. I’m buying.”
“Oh, no, Tammy,” I protest. “Don’t do that.”
“Put it away,” he says, eyes narrowing.
“You shouldn’t…I’m not veryhungry…”
“Bull. You’re starved. I saw the wayyou looked at that food.”
“But…”
“Nope,” he says firmly. “Tonight you’re eating. You can go back on your pointless diet tomorrow.”
“I’m not on a diet!”
“You sure as hell don’t need to be. You’re too skinny!”
I’m obviously taking too long to decide, so he orders the entire smorgasbord for both of us…salads, muffins, pastas, potatoes and desserts. To add to my suffering, he also orders a small steak for each of us. As we approach the pasta bar, he says, “Oh, macaroni and cheese. Myfavorite.”
It’s not myfavorite anymore.
I’ll eat just enough to keep from offending him. I’ll take whatever I can hide and flush it. I’m going to throw up after I eat anyway. I don’t even have to force myself. It just comes up whenever I eat more than a few bites.
I spend more time watching him eat than eating myself. He digs in with knife and fork, snatching huge bites of steak and potato and chewing. His Adam’s apple bobs up and down as he swallows his soda. He catches me staring at him. I avert myeyes.
“Eat!” he orders. So I take small bites of the seafood salad and the steak. My stomach clenches its rebellion. After a while, I excuse myself, most of myfood tucked into a wadded napkin.After myvisit to the lavatoryI’m wonderfullyevacuated, weak…
…calm.

When we get to The End, Tammy lets go of my hand. “Only for a while?” he asks. I agree.
Then I wonder, is he mad at me for not eating much of the food he paid for?
Stacy’s there, along with Lydia and some of the kids we hung out with in church and school. It’s a reunion in fact. Ray Battle is home for Christmas too, and sitting at our table. I guess he and Stacyare friends again because they’re being quite chummy after all these years. Even Lard-Ash Battle-Feldman and her husband Bennyare sitting at a table nearby. I freeze when her dagger eyes meet mine.
As soon as Tammy finds Ray and they start schmoozing about the good old days, Stacy pulls me aside. “What’s going on?!” she squeals her eyes dancing back and forth between me and Tammy. “Did you guys come together?”
“Uh…he…uh…brought me…to thank me,” I stammer, thanking God she can’t see my blush because of the Christmas lights over our table.
She grins wickedly. “For what?”
“Oh…uh…I helped his Mom yesterday. She was really sick. I put her in ICU.”
“Hmmmm,” she winks. “So…tell me everything.”
“Oh, Stacy, really! We just went out to eat!”
“Ohmygod, I’m so excited for you!” she gushes.
“Please stop!”
Tammy’s trying to recruit Ray and Benny to go up and sing karaoke with him. But they decline, shaking their heads goodnaturedlyat him as theyguzzle their beers.
He crooks his indexfinger, “You.”
I cower down in mychair, shaking myhead so hard it’s about to fly off my neck. He comes to me, and whispers clearly and crisplyin myear, “Get your ass up.”
I glance at Yvette and the look she gives me sends a bolt of fear up myspine.
I entreat Stacy to join us, and Tammy sings “Blue Christmas,” in flawless imitation of Elvis. Stacy and I sing the “Ooh-ooh-woo-ooh” backup part. Cheers, candy canes, and mistletoe shower us when we’re finished. While he’s chuckling with Ray and Benny, Tammy shoves a sprig of mistletoe into his pocket, and his eyes flash darkly.
Your eyes touch me…physically...
As I leave the bar to visit the restroom, Tammy watches my every move and my knees nearly fail me. As I wash and dry my hands, I feel him coming…
I find the back exit. I open the door, relieved bythe fresh air on my face. I rest against the cold bricks and wait, knowing he’s going to find me. Myheart thumps wildlyin myears.
The back door bursts open and he charges me. “Trying to get away?”
“No!” I squeal as he dangles the mistletoe over me for a second before throwing it into the shadows. He seizes me by the shoulders and slams me against the wall, kissing me savagely, deliciously. I’m frightened and excited by his roughness as his tongue slips into mymouth for the first time, and I cling to him like a limpet, making ridiculous mewling noises as his mouth rips away from mine, moves over my neck and ears, whispering, kissing, softlybiting, while his arms crush me into him.
“Ohmygod.” He’s hugging me, his face against my neck, squeezing me full against him. “I missed you so much,” he groans.
I’d answer him, “You just saw me five minutes ago,” but he’s cutting off my air with his crushing embrace. It feels so good. I don’t realize he can until he constricts around me even harder. My legs wrap around his hips as I press him closer, trying to absorb into him.
He loosens his hold on me, tries to set me down. “Again!” I beg. “Do it again!” He smiles wickedly, his arms roping around me, smashing me against his solid warmth.An incoherent verbal stream trickles out of my mouth, and I slide my fingers into his dark hair, pull his face down to mine. I let myself go, kissing him, releasing the love I’ve been storing, not only the sixteen year old love I’ve had for him, but the love I’ve had inside of me for thirty-one years, the love I’ve always wanted to give to somebody. It’s like a caged pride of lions, liberated, roaring forth, invading him, saturating him. He shivers and crushes me even closer.
The stubble on his face scrapes mymouth as he ravages my lips with his. I wonder if anyone can see us here in the dark alley behind The End, how we’re all over each other.
Tammypulls away. “We have to stop, Jamie.”
“I don’t want to,” I gasp, reaching for him.
“We have to go back.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Come home with me tonight,” he whispers, and I tremble anew. God, I know what this means. I can’t conceal my concern. “What is it?” he asks, nuzzling me. His hand slides up my arm, covers myhand. The skin of mypalm is so sensitive to everytickle of his fingers. “I’m nervous…” I gasp.
“You don’t want to?”
I do, oh God, I do. But…
“Jamie, I want you to come home with me. Don’t be nervous.”
I’m not nervous. I’m fucking
terrified
.
“You don’t have to do or be anything. I just want to spend time with you,” he pleads so sweetly.
“Okay,” I saywith a tremendous shiver.
We go back inside and I make a bee line for Stacy. “He wants me to go home with him tonight!”
“Yes!”
“No!”
“Jamie---“
“What if he wants to have sex?” I practicallyscream mypanic. She stares at me incredulously. “Are you
kidding
?!” “What am I going to do?! What am I going to do?!”
She braces me. “Calm down…you don’t know that’s what he wants.”
“Are
you
kidding?!”
“Baby,” she says gently. “What are you afraid of? It’s Tammy.”
I
am
afraid. And Stacycan’t help me.