Crush (9 page)

The Panther
plans an article about Jamie’s bashing. I recommend to our advisor, Mrs. Collins, that the piece should mention that the beating was motivated by false rumors spread about the town, that it’s a hate crime, and that the victim should not be named, because he has already been bashed twice, and to name him would put him in danger of being attacked yet again.

She disagrees, “We don’t
know
it’s a hate crime.” “He was beaten up once before this! It
is
a hate crime!” She shakes her gray head stubbornly. “I’m not going to

publish an article based on your
opinion
, Tam. We’re mentioning you as a hero, because you drove the boyto the E.R. We will keep him anonymous for his protection, but we’re not going to call it a gay-bashing when we don’t even know if the boyis gay, or if those rumors even were the cause!”

I argue with her for a half hour, but the entire journalism staff ends up overruling me. They’re yellow down the back.
Just like me.

After the latest battering, Jamie’s not the same. When he’s released from the hospital, his right arm encased in hard plaster, he approaches me, guardedly says, “Thank you for getting me to the hospital.”

“Are you alright?” I ask.
He nods. “Yeah.”
“Sure?”
He shrugs.
“I’m glad they didn’t mention Jamie’s name in the paper,”

Stacysays.
“I told them theyshouldn’t, for his own safety,” I reply. Jamie speaks up then, “Who cares?! Everyone
knows
it’s

A short time later, Ray begins driving Stacy and Jamie, negating myneed to follow him.
Weeks go by, and whenever I look his way, expecting to see him gazing at me, smiling at me, and then averting his eyes, he’s looking elsewhere.
Enough dirty looks and grouchy snarls have worked. I’ve finallygotten through. He can’t have me.
So whydo I feel so fucking wretched?
After all, I can’t stay here…I’ve gotta go, and follow my dream…there’s no real opportunity here like there is in Los Angeles, and I’ve been planning to leave right after graduation forever.
It’s best this way. I can’t have anyattachments here. Besides, we’ll never make it. Nobodyaround here will abide it. Everyone we know would be opposed, except maybe Mr. Tafford and Stacy.
I’d like to think myMom would be supportive about it.
But I don’t know…
no…probably not…
There’s no way for Jamie and I…not in this town…
Not in this life…
Best to just leave it alone…
That afternoon in myroom after the beating is just the start. I find myself in tears at odd moments as mysenior year draws to a close. I’m sad…lonely…I don’t bother asking anybodyto the prom. I turn down three or four invitations from generic tarts I care nothing about.
I keep hoping, in spite of myself, that his definitive sweetness will resurface, that he’ll smile and make my insides tighten and melt the wayI secretlylove.
But he doesn’t. He’s cold. Aloof. Subdued. And the sadness I’ve always sensed in him is amplified.
At The End, a few nights before graduation, I spy him sitting at a table with Stacy. He doesn’t sing that night. He’s doesn’t even talk. He’s just sitting there, in self-imposed exile, and it chews at me. My eyes catch Stacy’s and I see a concern there that mirrors myown. I pull her aside. “Is he alright?”
She observes me steadilybefore replying, “He will be.”
“Get him up there and sing something. Maybe it’ll help.”
Still looking at me strangely, she shrugs, then goes over to their table. Jamie only shakes his head listlessly. “He doesn’t want to.”
Frustration leaps inside of me. “It might cheer him up.”
“Why are
you
so worried?” she challenges, and just a hint of a grin twitches across her face.
I think she’s on to me.
I leave The End as hastilyas I can.

On the last night of school, my resolve not to let Tammy into my heart goes sailing out the window. Ray invites just the few of us to party and swim in his parents’ pool. He invites Stacy and I, strictly to piss off Lard-Ash, who brings her furloughed husband and makes out with him in front of everyone. Stacywears her blue bikini. I wear a t-shirt and tan cut-offs, even though I don’t intend to

bags and bags of chips, along with dips, candy, and a great big graduation cake for Ray, Tammy, and Yvette (even though LardAsh didn’t get to officially graduate and is still at least two months from getting her GED). I look around, wishing theyhad red licorice among all the snacks and candies. Ray’s dad loves to bar-be-que, so he fires the old thing up and cooks hot dogs, hamburgers, chicken and tri-tip. The evening is mild, balmy, a little muggy. The aroma of savorymeat makes our stomachs rumble.

It’s the perfect evening on the brink of summer. I’m so pleased to be here that I can almost tryto forget that soon Tammy will be leaving Sommerville behind him.

He helps Benny smuggle alcohol in, and we drink beer and wine coolers and sign each other’s yearbooks. When Ray and Stacy are done signing Tammy’s, I take it, making sure he’s turned away, and write,

I wish he’d ask to sign mine.
There’s no girlfriend in sight tonight. I watch how Tammy’s wet red cut-off tweed shorts cling to his penis, beautiful and semierect from the cold, bouncing, in spectacular slow motion, as he springs off the diving board. Ahot flash engulfs me.
Abruptly, Ray and Benny grab me by my hands and feet and throw me in. As the water closes over me, I hear Stacy scream, “You assholes! He can’t swim!”
Someone grabs me from below and pulls me back up to the surface. It’s Tammy. As I hold onto him, I blow the hot, burning water out of mysinuses.
“You okay?” he asks.
“No!” I sputter, perturbed and electrified by the fact that he’s
holding
me, that his arms are around me, that my cheek is brushing his chest, that his arms are under myknees…
That he’s holding me…in his arms....
“You asswipes!” I scream at Rayand Benny, who are already scampering back over to the chips and dips.
“I’ll teach you to swim,” Tammy smiles, bouncing me playfully.
Every sound around us is suddenly muted, except for the water, splashing softly. His smile…Oh my God…incredible… compelling…I’m powerless…My heart begins to tremble and skip as I feel my lips stretch wide in response. The palpitations tickle myribs as we stare at each other, our smiles unchanging, but our eyes transforming. I see it in his, I feel it in mine. Our smiles follow the course of our eyes. Tammy gazes down at me, his eyes and lips gentle, soft, dreamy. He’s in a trance…it’s the same look I’ve caught in his eyes so manytimes lately…it’s here…now…
From my periphery, I can see Stacy grinning at me like the devil.
Myeyes are locked with his, and this moment expands into a small forever…
Then Tammy blinks, looks flustered, says, “Come on!” in an overlyloud, edgyyowl, and pulls me under with him. The moment is over.
Within fifteen minutes, I know how to swim. We dive down and touch bottom, and on the way up, he grabs my hands, pulls me to him and takes me back up.
After a bit, Yvette and Benny call him over, and I’m forgotten. Stacyand I sit at the pool’s edge, talking with our legs in the water.
I feel fingers tickling myfeet.
Tammysurfaces, grins at me, his green eyes twinkling, then he goes under again. As soon as I’m back to talking to Stacy, his fingers trickle over the soles of myfeet, making mylegs twitch and myheart quicken.
Stacysqueezes myhand and nods at me. “Go talk to him.”
I don’t trust life enough to believe he’s really enjoying all of this, teaching me to swim, vying for my attention, playing with me, talking to me, teasing me, touching me. I mean, I can’t
fathom
this. I’m afraid that what I’ve always wanted is what is happening to me tonight. He’s
flirting
with me. The hours pass, and he’s
staying
with me.
I imagine he’s just lonely because he left his girlfriend at home, whoever she is this month. He’s bored…whyelse would he be wasting time talking to
me
?
He tells me this crazy story about having met me…
me!
...in a grocery store when I was two and he was four. “I know you,” he smiles. “I’ve known you for years.” His deep baritone turns me into jelly. “Do you remember?”
“N-no,” I stammer apologetically.
“I know you,” he murmurs. “I do…”
Lord, what is he
doing
to me?!
We splash each other between swimming lessons, and we talk about his going to L.A.
“So you’re going to be famous,” I pout. “The next Barbara Walters.”
“Noooo,” he corrects me. “The next Walter Cronkite.”
We climb out of the water for a while, and I bring myyearbook to him, feeling much more comfortable with asking, now that we’ve talked quite a lot. “Tammy?”
“Yeah?”
“Would you sign myyearbook?” I ask, bracing myself for one of his unforeseen mood swings.
“I did already.”
“You did?!” I start trying to flip through the pages.

“No!” He grabs it and tries to wrest it from my fingers. “Don’t it!”
“Why?”
“Read it later,” he says, with the most amazing smile I’ve ever

seen. He’s blushing!
We tug of war gently. “I wanna see what you wrote!” “No, read it later, please!” He won’t let go.
“Oh, alright!”
“Will you sign mine?” His cheeks are dark red, his hair is

beginning to dry, forming little spikes across his forehead. “I did…a while ago,” I confess, biting mylips.
He gazes at me. “You did?”
“Are you mad?” I dare to ask.
His smile makes my temperature go up several more

degrees. “Whywould I be?”
“I didn’t ask you first.” I’m feeling more daring, more
flirtatious.
“I’m gonna read it!”
“No!” I cry, grabbing him.
He stares at myfingers digging into the skin of his forearms,
then looks so deeplyinto me that I almost swoon.
“You have prettyeyes,” he whispers.
“Shut up!” I whisper shakily.
Back in the pool, I’m so grateful that Stacy has the radio up
so loud. His smile doesn’t change, not one tinymuscle of it. I read
his lips,
I want to be alone with you…
My heart gallops ahead of the rest of me, straight into him.
The water can’t cool my joy and desire, and I bite my mouth until
it’s bleeding.
I want to be with you, too,
I inform him
telepathically…
He blinks and asks, “Did you spell myname right?” “T-A-M-M-Y…I know…Ray told me you hate it when people
spell or pronounce it wrong!” I snicker.
“That’s right,” he nods precisely.
“So why is it pronounced different than it’s spelled?” I
challenge.
He responds to my cheek with a warning smile. “Because
I’m
not
a girl.”
No
shit
.
“Why do they call you ‘Baby?’” he asks. Ohhh boy…I’m so
embarrassed. “Because I’m…small…They used to keep the
bullies off me…I’m their Baby, theysay.” I turn away, feeling flames
wanting to leap from under the skin of myface.
“Can I call you ‘Baby?’”
“No!” I laugh anxiously.
“Please? Make up a name for me, if you want…” “I don’t know what to call you!” I burst out laughing. “I like your
name anyway…Tammy…it’s pretty…it’s different…Tammy…” He stares at me, obviously recognizing the quandary I’m
having thinking out loud and adoring him at the same time. “You
like it?”
I give a small, terrified nod.
“You think it’s pretty?”
“Uh huh…”
“Thank you,” he whispers. It’s the voice he’s used to wilt the
petals of dozens of girls and women. I’m not wilting though…far
from it. I’m sprung up like a weed. My heart’s beating so loud I’m
sure the whole of Sommerville can hear it.
“Let’s playshark.”
“What’s that?” I ask suspiciously.
“You swim and I chase you. If I can catch you, you’re the
shark.”
“Why don’t you save yourself the time and just call it ‘tag’?” I
sneer.
He gives me a droll smile, then shouts,“Go!”
I torpedo under, heading for the bottom, but he catches me,
grabbing my feet, tickling them, and then wrapping his arms
around me from behind, spinning me around to face him. We’re in
our own liquid world.
When we break the top of the water, he smiles, I smile… His smile crumples…
“I’ve gotta go,” he mutters, and leaves me in the pool. He
says his hasty goodbyes to Ray and them, clutching his soggy
clothes against his body.
Stacy watches me as my eyes following him all the way out
the iron gate. She carefullysteps into the water and wades over to
where I am beginning to cry, my joy waterlogged, drowned, by his
rejection. She puts her arms around me from the side. “Maybe he
had to get home…maybe he’s got a curfew…”
“Yeah, right…that’ll be the day.”
“He loves you. It’s all over his face every time he
looks
at

“Of course not! You were teasing each other! You were flirting with each other! It was
adorable
!”
“One minute he acts like he likes me, the next it’s like I
repulse
him!”

“No, Baby, he loves you. I can see it.” She nods toward the other three parties in our vicinity. “He just can’t let
them
see it.”
“Who cares what they think?!” I hiss, loud enough to draw

sighs, “You have to understand, Jamie. It’s not the kind of world we live in. Civilization has come far, but it has a ways to go yet. I want to see you with him more than anybody…I’m sorry.”

“He hates me…” I say as I pull on a long-sleeved blue and white shirt. “I’ll be out by your car.” I don’t even bother saying goodbye to anyone.

She shakes her head. “You’re full of shit and you know it…he
so
loves you!”
I’ll let Tammytell you what happens in Ray’s drivewaya short time later. I haven’t told Stacy about it. When Stacy comes out to the car and finds us together, I’m still in shock as I stammer, “Tammywas telling me this funnystoryabout how he met me in a grocerystore when we were little…I’m sure he’s just goofing.”
“I’m not, I tell you!” Tammyinsists.
“You never know, Jamie!” grins Stacy.
“Later,” he smiles, and walks to his car.
As she drives me home, she pokes and winks at me. “Told you he loves you!”
“What do you mean?” I bluster guiltily.
“He couldn’t even go home without talking to you again!”