Crush (10 page)

That night, I dream that I’m back at Ray’s house, with Tammy. He’s holding my hands underwater, and we’re staring at each other. He pulls me close to him. His lips touch mine. “I love you,” he says. I don’t notice how strange it is that his voice is crystal clear under the water. I feel his lips. I
taste
them, like I tasted them when…

I touch him, feel the crisp hairs growing on his chest… I merge slowly into wakefulness. I usually cannot sleep in total quiet, or darkness, but my room is pitch black, save for the faint, silvery glow of the half moon through my window blinds. I reach over to turn on my digital clock radio, which reads, 1:57 AM, wondering who’s turned it off. Lloyd wouldn’t. Did I forget to turn it on when I went to bed? I can’t seem to get my thumb and forefinger around the little knob.
Alight tapping distracts me. It’s coming from my window. I hear a voice floating over to me from where the window has been raised just a bit to let in some cool night air. “Jamie!”
Ohmygod!
I leap out of bed and trip mywayto the window. “What are you doing here?” I ask as I open and raise the blinds.
He onlysays, “Come out.”
“It’s two in the morning!”
He stands there, smiling at me. “Open your window… please…come out.”
“If Lloyd catches me, I’m grounded!” I whisper loudly, raising the glass.
He just stands there, below me, waiting, his chest heaving.
I undo the wire latch and release the screen and climb up into the square making the window, dangling my legs out. I’m in an old white t-shirt and mypajama pants. In the distance, I hear a dog bark. Tammy reaches for me, pulls me out of my room. My heart scampers as his lips search for mine in the half-light. I dig my fingers into his hair and pull him closer. Neither of us says a word. We just kiss, the humid pre-summer air growing more warm and moist around us, as our kisses and moans increase in volume. More dogs begin to bark. “Fucking dog ears!” Tammy curses, and I laugh as he snatches my mouth with his, deep, hungrymoans vibrating from his throat.
Close by, a human voice shouts, “I don’t hear anything!”
“Shit!” snaps Tammy. From about fifty yards away, a vehicle horn blares, and we’re forced, from the heaven we’ve been sharing outside mybedroom window, back into reality. “Go to bed, nosyassholes!”
“Tammy,” I sigh ruefully.
“I know…I’d better go…before those dogs wake the entire town.” He helps me back into mywindow. I bend over and we kiss again…again…again... “Do you want to come inside?”
The longing in his eyes makes mystomach plummet into my loins. “What about Lloyd?”
I sigh again, “I know…”
One more long kiss, and we finallylet go.
He waits for me to close and lock up, and I watch him go back to his car and drive away.
I get under my sheets, my entire body humming with happiness and desire. I wish Lloyd had been working tonight! I would have invited Tammyright into mybed!
I can’t believe this is happening! To me! How manypeople at school are in love with someone who doesn’t even know they’re alive?
I can’t get over it!
I jolt awake, wet and shivering. Had I been asleep just now? Was the entire thing outside mywindow a dream?
Myroom is dark, the radio is off. The time is 3:04 AM.
It felt so real…
Myhair is soaked with perspiration…I smell chlorine.

I’m stupid enough to believe I’ll see him a few more times before he moves away, that I’ll share a few more incredible evenings with him, more conversations, more touches, more kisses.

Maybe he’ll stay! Maybe he’ll decide to stay here and go to school…so he and I can see each other…go places together…
I want to be with you
, I whisper, willing my plea to reach all the wayacross town.
Stay with me. Stay…stay home…
But he doesn’t. He leaves the very next day and I cry in my room, for five hours, like a heartsick little schoolgirl. Now I’m glad I didn’t mention the kiss to Stacy. For him to just leave, just like that, after everything that happened, after we talked for hours, after he touched me the wayhe did, after we kissed…
He didn’t even say
goodbye
.
He’s been playing with mymind.
It meant nothing to him.
I’m too vulnerable for games. He’s disarmed me, and I’m more in love than I ever thought possible…madly, deeply, terribly

town. and I’m the pawn in a heartless scheme. No doubt, from day one Lard-Ash has probably known that I’m completely in love with Tammy. She’s probably seen the want in my eyes every time I’ve looked his way, clear back to when he was going out with her. That’s whyshe came to me, trying to see if I’d go out with her, and when I rejected her, she began calling me a faggot.

They’ve probably been in cahoots for the past nine months, since that historic day in church. They’ve been planning and preparing the for theft of my heart, guffawing together as they surveymyunrelieved hunger, mystupefaction, mydejection, as he yo-yos between being genial and spiteful.

It’s all been a prank. Like everyone I’m stupid enough to love, Tammyhas onlybeen out to amuse himself, to toywith me, before leaving town and recommencing his important life.

And yet, can I hate him? Can I regret experiencing my very first kisses with him? No.
No matter how cruel he is, I’ll always love him.
It’s all I can do not to splatter tears and snot all over the clean white pages of my yearbook as I weep over pictures of him, the impeccable senior portrait of him, unsmiling and dangerously beautiful, in a black jacket and shirt unbuttoned to reveal the dark hairs on his chest, the glorious action shots of him playing football, soccer and baseball, a group photo of him and his jocks hamming it up. As I thumb through my autograph pages, I come across something that seizes mybreath in mythroat:

I’m inconsolable.
Stacytries to help, pointing out boys for me to crush on. Boys. Ray, who doesn’t seem to know I’ve been pining after his

I hope they’ll get a life and leave me alone so I can punish myself in peace.
If he cares about me, why did he go?!
I return to Miss Halliday, and she renews my Zoloft, gently scolding me that I should never stop taking something without checking in with her first.
I begin smoking more heavily, bumming more and more cigarettes off of Stacy and Patti, and putting each one out on the big scar on myleft ankle.

After graduation, we all go to Ray’s and swim and sign yearbooks. I wait for Jamie to turn awayfrom his and grab it.
I want him to sign mine too, but I don’t know how to ask. In his, I take everything inside of me and compress it into a couple of simple sentences, erasing at least five times before I think I’ve got it right.
I spend the entire evening with him. We talk more than we ever have. Stacycranks the radio and everyone argues about what music we’ll listen to. Ray and Benny want AC/DC, Ozzy, Metallica, etc. Queen Bitch wants the “soft rock” station. Stacyfinds a classic rock station playing Heart, The Pretenders, The Police. Yvette sulks as the rest of us nod in consensus.
This unexpectedly charmed night with the elfin boy I secretly ache for starts when Rayand Bennytoss Jamie into the pool.After I ream their asses about grabbing him by his bad arm, I teach Jamie to swim. When I first take him under with me, he resists, kicking back up to the surface and spitting water. “I can’t hold my breath!”
“Yes, you can!” I encourage him. “Just take a breath…don’t pooch your cheeks out, silly!” I chortle.
He lets me hold his hands as I guide him, and I rejoice in anyexcuse to touch him. We play“shark,” under the water. We eat chips and mango salsa that Ray’s mom made.
And we talk and talk and talk. Jamie asks me, “So you want to be on TV? The next Cronkite?” His voice has a diminutive drawl I haven’t detected before, like he’s from Texas or something. I
love
listening to him…
“That’s the plan.”
“I like your stories. You’re a good writer…”
“You like sports, do you?” I ask coyly.
“Not really,” he blushes. “But I like reading your stories.”
“You don’t like sports?! Then you don’t know what I’m writing about do you?”
“Well, I’ve learned a little…watching you play. It’s…very… interesting…”
“And what have you learned?” I tease.
He shrugs. “I don’t know…but I like watching…”
“You’re weird!”
“Shut up!”
“What do
you
want to be?”
“Veterinarian,” he says.
“Ah hah! Going to take care of dogs and cats and horses and cows, eh?”
“I don’t want to take care of horses and cows, or lizards or birds or anything like that. Just cats…maybe dogs.”
Cotton. I try not to remember him, but there he is. I croak, “That’s cool.”
“Are you alright?” he asks.
I must be green under the gills. “Just thinking about a little pooch I had a long time ago.”
“I love cats,” says Jamie. “I love talking to them. I love the way theypurr. It’s so soothing when I’m nervous or upset.”
“Talking to them? How do you talk to a cat, Dr. Doolittle?”
“Very softly, in a baby-talk way,” Jamie explains, his face pinkening. “It sounds ridiculous, but theylove it. Theyjust purr and drool all over me!”
“Give me a sample.”
“Nooo,” he shakes his head briskly.
“Come on! Please?”
“No way!”
“Please?”
His cheeks bloom. “Tweet didda idda bidda kidda.” His voice is thin, keening, like Mel Blanc doing TweetyPie. “You toe tweet… you toe tweet!”
I’m tickled. “You’re weird!”
“If I’m so weird, go find someone else to talk to!”
The hours pass. We talk and talk. We tease each other. The smile I’ve missed reappears tonight, and I’m in heaven.
“Is that your real hair color?” I ask him, yanking gently on a freshly dyed cranberry colored lock whose tip is so yellow it looks like it’s been dipped in mustard.
He rolls his eyes. “Does it
look
real to you, genius?” “Well, then, what
is
your real color?”
“Dark blonde…boring!”
“Ah, so you’re a blonde! So…when you dye your hair red, is that, like, artificial intelligence?”
He snorts glibly. “Well, dyeing my hair can’t be too effective. I’m talking to
you
aren’t I?”
“Shut up, Doctor Doolittle!”
“Shut up, Walter Cronkite!”
We trade insults, laugh, yell at each other. It gets quiet for a minute, and I begin to fidget. “Well? Saysomething!”
“
You
saysomething!”
“I don’t know what to say!”
“Funny…you usually
never
run out of things to say!” After more awkward stillness, he murmurs, “I wish I had some licorice. Or a cigarette.”
“You shouldn’t smoke.”
“Okay, Surgeon General Koop!”
“Whydo you smoke?”
“’Cause I’m a nervous person.”
I ask softly, “Do I make you nervous?”
He tries to glare at me. Instead I see his heart in his eyes.
He does like me.
Before thinking, I say, “I’ve known you a long time, you know.”
“What?!” he snickers.
“You and I met a long time ago,” I tell him. “In a supermarket. You were with your mom…I think it was your mom…”
He looks away.
“You were two,” I stammer. “I was four…I remember your eyes…”
“You’re undeniablyweird.”
“No…it’s true.”
“You’re lying!” he giggles. His smile makes me glow inside.
“I’m serious.”
He doesn’t believe me.
But as we sit at the pool’s edge and time wriggles through my fingers, as the sun oozes out of sight, as golden-red light settles over everything, he smiles, endlessly, his eyes far awayas he pretends to be acutelyinterested in the yellow pool raft floating at the far end of the pool. He smiles, biting his soft, poutylower lip, swirling his feet through the water, sending ripples of imperfection across the glassysurface, ripples of pleasure through everycell of mybody.
The moments tick by, and I’m afraid of what I’m feeling tonight, what I’ve been feeling since the beginning of the year. I’m paying all of myattention to Jamie.And I’m not being verydiscreet about it. Now and then, I look up and around, expecting to see Ray, Stacy, Benny or Yvette gawking at my conspicuous behavior…I’m ignoring most everyone except Jamie Pearce.
But Ray is busy salivating over Stacy’s tits and the newlyweds are sucking face behind one of the jasmine bushes over bythe rot-iron gate.
Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock. Time passes faster than I want it to. We go back in the water again and again, our bodies slicing through the depths, our hands walking over the grainy blue of the bottom, keeping each other in close proximity. When we resurface, he’s so close that his arms go around myshoulders…
His eyes paralyze me…
And he makes no effort to take his arms down…
He’s so close…too close…
I want to kiss him.
He’s trembling. I’m trembling.
Does he know how close I am…?
I see three terrifying words in his eyes as he stares up at me…
I’m afraid of the fact that I’ve fallen in love with him. I don’t
want
to go to L.A.
Afew minutes after I’ve grabbed my clothes and fled Ray’s barbeque, I’m sitting in my car, crying and despising myself for running. As I struggle to shove my damp body into my dry clothes behind my steering wheel, I see the front porch sensor throw a glow over Ray’s front yard and driveway, and Jamie’s little silhouette walks over to where Stacy’s car is parked. He rocks on his feet, facing away from me, peering into the dark glass windows.
I should have driven awayten minutes ago!
He’s a magnet and I’m a piece of iron. I close my car door silently, sneak up to him, grab him from behind, myhand muffling his cry of fright. “You really can’t remember the day we met?” I murmur into his ear.
“In-in-in th-the st-st-store?”
“Yes…”
“No…I can’t…I-I-I’m sorry…”
I turn him around in my arms, lift him to sit on the hood of Stacy’s car, settle my hands over his shoulders. I can see him trembling in the sparse light, his eyes dewy, his nose red.
“Have you been crying?” I ask.
He shakes his head, his mouth quivering invitingly. Can he see I’ve been crying? Tearfully he whispers, “I have a crush on you…”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Big crush?”
“Verybig…yes…”
“You love me?”
“Yes,” he nods.
It bursts quietly from my heart, like a bullet. “I love you too…” Myarms press him closer to me. “I kissed your cheek,” I murmur, and he moans softlyas I brush mylips over the creamypink curve, surprised I’m not tasting the candy coating of licorice there. “And you kissed mymouth…Kiss me…”
He’s about to rattle himself right off of Stacy’s car.
“Please, kiss me…”
“I don’t know how,” he says, his lips trembling, smiling, grimacing in joyous angst.
“You don’t have to know how,” I plead. “Just kiss me.”
He touches his mouth to mine, and instantly, fireworks of every conceivable color explode within me. I can’t stay passive for more than a second. My mouth grabs his, and I probe him impatiently, his taste, his texture, his softness, as I suck and pull at his lips with my own. If he’s new at kissing, it doesn’t take him long to learn how to kiss me back. We converse without words, my deep sighs of bliss mingling with his soft, high cries of shock and delight. I’m already on the verge of popping my cork. I pull away and our lips part with a moist, luscious sound. “Do you remember now?” I gasp.
“I don’t know,” Jamie cries, quaking vividly. “I don’t know!” “Jamie,” I whisper.
“Tammy...” He reaches for me, trying to pull me back …
“Would you…?” I gulp, disbelieving the diffidence that suddenlysteals mynerve.
We hear Stacycalling out, “Bye!”
It’s too late to dash back to my car. Jamie makes a high sound of exclamation as Stacy approaches. “Hey, Tam! I thought you’d gone home!”
“We were just talking,” I lie, myhands in mypockets pushing mypants awayfrom mybody, mycock like throbbing concrete. “My car wouldn’t start for some reason…I saw Jamie and thought I’d come talk to him…the car’s okaynow…”
“Crap!” Stacy gripes. “Left my Dad’s favorite container!” She scurries back to Ray’s backyard to retrieve the plastic dish she brought the Chinese chicken salad in.
Still seated on Stacy’s hood, Jamie smiles down at me, reaches for me…
Like he did in the grocery store
…
I go to him, take his hand in mine. “Jamie…”
“Tammy…”
All too soon, Stacy’s back. “Okay, I got it! MyDad would never let me hear the end of it if I left his salad dish behind!”
I sigh…
Jamie sighs with a little smile.
“Later,” I nod to him, and theydrive away.
Once they’re out of sight, I drag myfeet back to myown car.
I’m supposed to leave tomorrow.
I didn’t tell him that.
Maybe I should.
Maybe I should call him…
I reallydon’t even
want
to go now.
I could apply to U.C. Davis instead!
Then I could stay…
I
want
to stay, forever…
But…
This is too small a town.
I love him…
He loves me…
We could be together…
But…
He’s been beaten up, twice…
We’re the onlytwo of our kind in this shittylittle town… I don’t want him to be attacked again.
Because of me…
Is it reasonable, feasible, to expect to be able to have a life with Jamie? In
this
town? With these people who don’t understand? Who will
never
understand, no matter how we try to explain...?
I don’t want to leave…I want to be with him
…I
love
him…
My heart bleeds as my mind leaps back and forth between impetuousness and practicality.
No...
I
have
to go. I have to forget Jamie and this pipe dream that has virtuallycountermanded myplans and ambitions.
In kissing him, in telling him that I love him, I’ve given him