CUL-DE-SAC (On The Edge Book 1) (39 page)

He wanted to set them both afire.

He buried his face in her neck, trying to
breathe and control himself, but she started rolling her bottom enticingly and
he just about lost it. His sexual hunger coiled ever tighter, taking him in an
unapologetic grip.
“I can’t wait, Kitten.” He kissed her neck in an apology and opened the front
of his jeans.

His hand reached between their bodies and
Catalina felt a strong tug, heard the rending of her panties before his hot
hand found her to check her readiness. She wanted to turn in his arms but his
hands stopped her without a word.
“Like that,” he said roughly, surprised he could talk at all.

His hands guided her, urging her to bend a
little and the next moment he thrust into her.
“Xan!” Her lips parted on a cry that became his name.

He instantly went motionless after the
short exclamation.
“Did I hurt you?”

Catalina shook her head, trying to make
sense of all the tangled and potent sensations but her mind went blank,
refusing to be of any help.
“You feel… bigger from this angle,” she managed to say and gasped when he
chuckled behind her.
“Do I?” He withdrew nearly completely and pushed back in very slowly. “Do you
want me to stop, Cat?” His voice was pure temptation and she found herself
shaking her head in a no.
“I need to hear it, Kitten,” he demanded.
“No, I’m fine.” She sucked in a breath when he started to rock against her and
then there were no more words between them as he picked up the pace, slamming
into her in a brutally deep and fast rhythm she couldn’t match but wasn’t able
to deny either.

When her body bowed in explosion, his head
lowered to her ear once again. But this time there were no wicked murmurs, no
words of appreciation of any kind. His voice turned merciless in the blink of
an eye instead.
“Did it feel like love to you?” The insidious whisper froze her to the very
core of her heart where she harbored all her affection for him.

CHAPTER 47

Tears pricked Catalina’s eyes but she
blinked rapidly, desperately trying to get a hold of her emotions and not show him
that his words felt like a slap to her face. Her body was still shaking from
his rough possession but the pleasure was all but forgotten now, leaving her
cold.

She recalled the day he came to her with
the bleeding hand after he injured himself by punching the mirror. He thought
himself to be like the fist which shattered it: strong and with a no-bullshit
attitude. But even then she saw him more like those glass shards: brittle and
jagged, with sharp edges ready to draw blood.

His strength didn’t allow him to become a
victim while not letting him grow into a tormentor either, but it had its price
like everything in life had.

Cat understood he was striking at her now
because, as she pointed out before, she came too close, and vulnerability
wasn’t something her warrior dealt particularly well with.

She knew all along he had a mean streak to
him.

However, just because she understood the
mechanics of his behavior didn’t mean she was going to accept it, she thought.
“Let me go,” she said when she was sure she had herself under control.

Xan was waiting for her reaction and when
it didn’t come instantly, he thought maybe she didn’t hear him and he was
relieved.

He had no idea what the fuck was wrong with
him that he kept assaulting her. First physically and when she didn’t budge but
accept him instead
–
verbally as well.

But then her pliant body went rigid in his
arms, and this time it wasn’t due to sexual release, letting him know his
stupidity wouldn’t go unpunished. Yet she didn’t strike back as any other woman
probably would have in her place.

No, Catalina cloaked herself in dignity,
mentally pulling away from him even though their bodies were still intimately entangled.

He forced himself to let her go although
everything in him wanted to hold her just like that. To take her to the bed and
cherish her the way she deserved to be.

Xan sighed, watching her pull down her dress
as if nothing out of ordinary happened between them and it was once again his
fault. She walked toward the bathroom but he had to say something before she
could disappear out of his sight, before it was too late.
“Cat…”
“I promised your mother I would help her with packing. Your presence is not
required.”

He gritted his teeth when she quietly
closed the door behind her, cutting him off as much as her dismissal meant to
do. He didn’t deserve anything more than that, yet he was not going to let her
go back to that apartment alone. It was his mess to clean up, just like the
apology he owed her.

But it kept dying out on his lips, just
like the need to admit that her every word was nothing but true, or his desire
to reveal emotions hidden deep within him. While he tried his hardest to
convince her he had none, the truth was he had plenty and most revolved around
her. He wanted to tell her she owned his fucking heart, no matter how scarred
the tissue was and how prickly the walls of it were.

Xan blew out a harsh breath, wondering when
exactly he became such a coward that one small woman was able to tie him up in
so many painful knots that he didn’t know up from down anymore.

***

Catalina was very much aware that she has
just met Nina Thorpe, yet she didn’t think any amount of time would be enough
to help her understand Xan’s mother better. She appeared as weak as Cat had
imagined her to be, because what kind of a woman would inactively watch her
husband abuse a child, much less her own, without trying to protect it? Even
worse
–
who would be
relived the man’s fury focused anywhere else but her?

She wanted badly to find some redeeming
qualities in Nina, but after spending a few hours with her, it became clear
that it was not going to happen.

Catalina had been taught to never reveal
her true feelings, never express opinions that could step out of the category
of what was generally accepted, and she was used to biting her tongue more
times than not. But then she had never been forced to be in the presence of
someone like Xan’s mother, who in Catalina’s judgment was so detached from
reality.

Nina kept talking about her deceased
husband as if he were a hero who died in the name of some great cause and not a
criminal instead, with a rap sheet longer than should be possible for one
person to achieve in one lifetime.

She was ignoring her only son’s presence,
similar to how Cat imagined she did countless times before.

It was one of the reasons she didn’t want
Xan to accompany her this afternoon. Catalina thought nothing good would come
out of it, and not only because she felt they could use a breather as well.

Each time he found himself in close proximity
to his mother, the air between them got ripe with all the things left unsaid
for too many years to count. Although it was Robert Thorpe who mistreated him
badly, it felt as if Xan blamed his mother even more for her indifferent
helplessness in the whole situation.

It was all good in her opinion, because as
she had told him before: he had a right to his feelings, whatever they were.
She sighed, remembering he tried to apologize to her for his earlier behavior
on their way here, but she said it was all fine just to cut the subject short.

It was nowhere close to
‘fine’,
but
she thought they simply had too much on their plates to be adding to it.

She didn’t want to be reminded of her love
declaration either.

Not because she regretted it, no, not even
close. It was one thing that he didn’t feel the same toward her, but quite
another that he decided to attack her, obviously feeling the need to protect
himself by pushing her away.

She put another box aside, thinking the
whole packing up would have gone much faster if his mother had any kind of idea
what and how she wanted. Yet she seemed all over the place, and as much as
Catalina could blame some of her distraction on the circumstances, she started
to suspect this was how the woman was even on a good day.
“Do you remember when you were about five or six years old and your father
decided we should leave the house to do sightseeing and live in motels for a
week or two? These kind of spur-of-the-moment surprises were very much like
him,” Nina said.

Yes, this was yet another thing she did,
Catalina thought: she kept pretending Xan’s childhood was never-ending fun and
adventure. And not of a bad kind.
“All I remember is that he woke us up in the middle of a night and told us to
leave the house as we were, because he fucked with wrong people and was afraid
they were hot on his trail. How could I forget?” Xan smirked and Nina’s lips
thinned.
“You never wanted to see how hard he tried to make it all work.”
“I leave the delusions to you,” came his curt reply.
“You were an ungrateful child; no wonder you two were constantly butting heads.”

“
Butting heads
? Is that what you
call it?” He threw his head back and laughed.

Cat’s heart clenched because she had never
heard a more bitter sound.
“Who are you trying to impress? Catalina knows the truth. Why don’t you say it
as it was? That he used to beat the crap out of me because he was a sadistic
bastard who lived to torment and torture others for the hell of it?” He offered
and Nina started to weep.
“I won’t let you talk about your father like that. Especially not on the day he
was laid into the ground, and definitely not in his house.”

“His house? Was he the one sending you
money for the past ten years? I seriously doubt that!” He yelled, indifferent
to her tears the way she always was to those he shed.
“Xan… enough,” Catalina protested and not because she didn’t agree with what he
said, but because she simply didn’t believe anything was going to change his
mother’s point of view.
“What am I going to do now?!” Nina sobbed.
“I suppose it is your chance to finally do whatever the hell you want to do,” he
shrugged.
“Can you see how he is?” Nina looked at Cat, hoping to find an ally in her.
“Oh, I do and I wish you would too.” She smiled gently at the woman. “He is one
of the most amazing people I’ve ever known.”

Her manners and propriety demanded her to
stop and bite her tongue as usual, but the need to continue turned out to be
stronger. Obviously her relationship with propriety was irrevocably coming to
an end.

Xan went motionless, taken aback not any
less than his mother appeared to be.
“I don’t need to listen to this.” Nina got up from her chair, but Cat straightened
up as well.

Although she was shorter than his mother, Catalina’s
whole demeanor was sending a loud and clear message that she wouldn’t allow
anyone to ignore her. Xan knew well the determined look in her eyes, and he
much preferred when it was directed at someone else like now, although it was
making him ultimately uncomfortable in the process as well.
“I’m sorry, but I am not done. You don’t realize how lucky you are that Alex
was willing to help you all those years.”
“Alexander is my son and he knows his duties…”
“You might say he knows his duties, although I am sure this is not a concept he
had learned the meaning of at home. You should be proud of him but you are
making the same mistake for the second time around by choosing your husband
over your only child. Even dead, he seems to wield an undeniable power over
you. I don’t think you will get a third chance to make up for the wrong, and
frankly I don’t think you deserve one. Now I am done.” She smiled again and
looked at Xan. “I’m ready to leave whenever you are.”

She was magnificent, he decided.

The last thing he expected was to hear her
taking his side and defending him after the way he acted toward her merely a
few hours before. But Catalina wasn’t one to hold a grudge.

She was his chance and unlike his mother,
he wasn’t going to miss the opportunity and wait for another that might never
come his way again.
“I’m ready.” He took her hand and stroked the soft skin with his thumb.
“What will happen to me?” Nina blinked and more tears slid down her cheeks.
“Don’t worry, I will keep sending you money,” Xan said, and the look of relief
on her face meant that was the only thing she was truly worried about.

No, there were no words that could change a
single thing here, Catalina thought. Now she knew that sometimes hope was just
a waste of breath and effort, that moving on was the only available option.

The past wasn’t always redeemable; some
people and relationships were not meant to continue throughout a person’s
entire life, no matter how hard saying goodbye was.

She wanted to believe that one day Xan
would be able to stop looking over his shoulder at the baggage he left behind.
That instead of erecting walls to protect himself, he would allow some of them
to tumble down.

But she knew how difficult a feat it was
firsthand.

She still wasn’t able to let go of the
memories of her parents either. She had a hard time allowing herself to step
out of those boundaries which were a part of being a Bennett.

There was no doubt she and Xan had plenty
of differences tearing them apart, but the similarities were astounding as well,
if one took enough time to look at them with an open mind, leaving prejudices
outside. Their legacies were placed in their hearts and recollections but unlike
her, he didn’t have even one good memory he could cling to.

Then what was the point of hanging on to it
at all?
“Goodbye, Mother,” Xan said, and for the first time all that he was didn’t buck
against the term.

No matter all the things their relationship
lacked, she had carried him under her heart for nearly nine months. He wanted
to believe that at least at one point she had cared for him or maybe even loved
him, as much as she was capable of feeling the tender emotion.

Was he? Xan asked himself and glanced at
Cat from the corner of his eye.

He had never uttered the words to another
human being and he thought it was related to the fact nobody had taught him how
to love.

But the truth was, he didn’t believe
someone could look past all his flaws and truly care for him since even his
parents didn’t deem him worthy. His past was broken, but it didn’t make him
incapable of creating a future… with Catalina.

Xan blew out a harsh breath, realizing that
was exactly what he wanted.

Cat’s head was spinning and she couldn’t
believe she said what she really meant, regardless of another person’s
feelings. Yet the world kept carrying on despite that fact, it seemed.

She had always imagined that once she fell
in love, she would take extra care so that the parents of her man liked her.

The reality of it was a far cry from her visions.
“Oh my God. I’m so sorry, Xan,” she finally managed to say when he hailed a cab
and gave their hotel address to the driver.
“What for?” He looked thoughtfully at her.
“For my behavior back there.” Wasn’t it obvious? She wondered.
“So you didn’t mean it?”
“Of course I did, that is not the point.” Cat frowned because apparently he was
missing the
real point
here.
“Breathe, Kitten.” He wrapped his arm around her shoulders.
“I don’t think one of your rules for fighting applies here,” she noticed.
“But it does. Life is fighting; you won’t find a better reference than that;
even if it was not your fight, I appreciate your words.”
“I beg to differ. It was my fight because…”
“… because you love me?”

All of a sudden he was the most helpful
person ever, she noticed ironically. Catalina promised herself she wouldn’t
utter the words again, not after the previous time went so awry, but the way he
just cornered her didn’t leave her much choice either.
“Cat?” He prompted when she fell silent.

Words were not his weapon of choice,
actions were, but right now he needed to hear her say it once again, even
though he was more than undeserving.

What she didn’t know was that her
unwavering love broke him on the innermost level he had never permitted anyone
to see. Not since his disastrous childhood anyway. But then she glued those
jagged pieces back together, making them fit somehow. For the first time in his
life, he felt like he was fitting too, as long as he had Catalina at his side.
“Yes,” she said with a long sigh, as if she were admitting to some kind of a
defeat.
“Look at me,” he demanded roughly, reaching out to cup her cheek in his palm.
“I love you too.” He bent his head to kiss her lips but she pulled back.
“And when exactly did you make this discovery?” She wanted to know and his lips
twitched when her eyes narrowed.
“After the Chloé incident, when I realized I cared more about you knowing the
truth and believing me than winning the fight.”

“Oh. Why didn’t you tell me?” She thumped
his chest.
“I just did.” He grinned down at her grabbing her wrist when she wanted to slap
his chest again, bringing it to his lips instead.
“Ask me what did me in.” She smiled sweetly when they entered the hotel.
“Well? What was it?”
“The dog-eared pages of books.” She sighed and he blinked.
“Say what?”
“I saw them that day at your apartment: a few childhood books on your shelf,” she
explained.
“Whoa, Kitten, that was
way
before the Chloé incident!”
“And I still told you first, so there.” She sent him a warning look and he
laughed.
“Xan… are you fine with leaving her like that?” She wanted to know.
“Like what? She doesn’t need me, she needs someone who will tell her what to do
and I could have never taken that place. She needs to figure it out on her own,”
he stated soberly.

“What do you say we go back home then?”
“I would say it’s the best offer I got today,” he agreed, more than ready to do
just that and pick up where they left things off.