Cut Me Free (31 page)

I jump when a crash sounds from a room down the hall, and then Cam's voice yells, “What do you mean hospital policy? You can't keep me here.”

His shouting voice is the best thing I've heard in a long time. A grin spreads on my face as my fears are replaced with a sense of peace. It's as though someone took my city this morning and shook it up like the massive snow globes I saw in gas stations and souvenir shops on my way across the country. All day, I've been careening around inside, trying to make sense of the chaos. Just hearing Cam's voice returns gravity to my world, sense to my city. Everything is going to be all right again. Sanda stares toward Cam's doorway with wide eyes. Her tears have calmed now. Even if she seems afraid to speak, I'm proud of her for being so brave.

We walk to his room and I can hear the doctor speaking. “The best thing for you now is rest. Please lie down before we're forced to sedate you.”

Cam is sitting on the edge of his bed and one of the nurses is holding a bag of clothes out of his reach. I see another nurse picking up a tray from the floor. That must've been the crash we heard.

He hasn't noticed us yet, and I study his face. His skin is still pale, but nothing like earlier. A frantic craving to see the warmth in the green-brown swirls of his eyes again fills me. I have to see his familiar grin before I'll believe I succeeded in saving him when I couldn't save Sam. We step inside the room and everyone turns to face us.

One of the nurses looks like she's about to say something to me, but when Cam waves at us, she closes her mouth and waits.

“Hey,” Cam says, but his eyes say so much more. A million emotions I'm feeling but would never know how to express reflect back at me through his eyes. He tries to stand up, but wobbles, and the nurse presses him back on the bed.

“Hey.” I step closer, still afraid that at any moment he could be stolen away again. I'm engulfed by a tidal wave of relief with each breath I see him take. He'll be okay. He's really going to be okay. A huge weight evaporates from my shoulders, and suddenly the tears come. I wipe my cheek with the back of my hand and smile. “I'm so glad you're okay.”

Cam grins back and reaches out for my hand, wrapping his fingers around mine. They are warm again, and the warmth seeps up my arm and fills my chest with an unfamiliar heat. I'm suddenly ultra-aware of the three nurses and the doctor in the room watching us.

“Tell them you're going to be good and get some rest now,” I whisper, and he nods, sliding back in his bed until he's leaning against his pillow with his legs tucked under the blankets.

“I've understood the error of my ways.” His face might crack if he grins any wider, but I can see the exhaustion behind his eyes. “No sedatives necessary.”

The doctor and nurses give him a few wary glances and shuffle out of the room, closing the door behind them.

“Where were you going?” I squeeze his fingers. “Big plans this evening?”

“I was sure trying.” His eyes drop to Sanda and his relief is obvious. “She's safe.”

“Yeah.” I nod, knowing the rest of the story can wait until later. “We're both safe.”

Sanda walks over to the bed, kisses her hand, and then rests it gently on Cam's bandaged arm.

“The first time is the worst,” she states simply.

“There won't be any more times, Sanda.” Cam covers her hand with his and stares her straight in the eye. “Not for any of us. I promise.”

She looks doubtful but doesn't argue. It will take time to adjust to such a strange and wonderful idea, for both of us. But with Cam here and safe, it's hard to believe there is anything that's impossible.

I grab two chairs and pull them over next to Cam's bed. Sanda curls up in one and rests her head on my lap. In under a minute her eyes flutter closed.

“You look like you've been through hell.” His eyes scrutinize me even though he seems more tired by the second.

My laughter comes out light and airy. “You're one to talk.”

“I'm so glad you're here and that you're okay.” His eyes shine wet, but no tears fall. “I was so worried.”

“
You
were worried?” The awe in my tone brings a smile to his face. “Are you kidding? Last time I saw you … last time I saw you…” My voice chokes up and I can't finish.

He chuckles and it's low and sweet to my ears. “I'm fine. You saved me.”

I'm shaking my head before he even finishes, but he places one finger against my lips until I stop. Then he pleads, “This one time, don't argue, please? I'd be—I wouldn't have made it without you.”

He's right, you know.

Maybe partly, but I couldn't save you, Sam. The agonizing truth crawls from the pit deep inside me and brings with it that same raw pain.

Did you expect me to save you?

Of course not.

Good, because I couldn't, and neither could you. But you saved Cam, Sanda, and Lily when you could. That's what matters.

The gaping pit crumbles a little at the words, and shrinks even smaller as I watch the color returning to Cam's cheeks. I may have gotten him into trouble, but I got him out of it, too. That minuscule slice of redemption is like a beam of sunlight coming from inside my chest.

“An ambulance brought Lily in. She had surgery and Jessie is with her now. There was some damage to her spine, but we won't know how much for a while.” His eyes turn cold and hard as he glares at the wall across from him. “Was it Brothers?”

I give him a grim nod. “Yes. I told her not to come, but she wouldn't listen.”

Cam rubs his fingers gently across the back of my hand, but I can't miss the strain in his expression when he asks, “Did you get him?”

I nod. “He's dead. The rest of the story can wait for later.”

He sighs heavily, lifts my hand to his lips, and kisses the back of it. “Later sounds good.”

“Do you think Lily will be okay?” My voice is soft, and I hear Sanda whimper in her sleep.

“She's a fighter. I guess you saw that tonight.” He lifts his eyes to mine, and it hurts to see the sorrow there.

“More than you know.” My mind absorbs how truly messed up his life has become since I came into it, and I wish I could fix it all. “I'm so sorry, Cam. For everything.” The words are so insufficient to make up for the way I've broken everything he knows. They feel feeble in my mouth.

“Stop.” He brushes his thumb across my lips and I lean my cheek against his hand. It's quiet for a few minutes, and I don't want to break the spell. Cam said he loves me. He knows I killed Brothers tonight and he's not looking at me like I'm a monster. Sanda is alive and sleeping here next to me. There is even hope that Lily will be all right. I may have been living with people who were supposed to be my family before, but this is my real family.

I wish for the millionth time that Sam had lived to escape with me, that he could've met them. We both could've belonged here. For the first time I can remember, peace descends over me like a warm blanket. I've survived so much horror that a little peace is long overdue. But that's the point, isn't it? I did survive.

Maybe Nana was right. Maybe I am the strong one.

You'll always be Piper. You'll always be strong.

Sam's words echo in my head and I'm filled with a sudden emptiness. I know it was never really him, that he was never there, but it seems he's talking less and less. Maybe a time is coming when I won't need to hear his voice to get me through the day, but there will never come a day when I won't miss him. The ache in my chest is so strong it steals my breath away as Sam's face flashes in my mind. His blond hair, blue eyes, crooked smile, and the dimple in only one cheek—I'm glad I can still see him so clearly. I have no pictures of him to refresh my memory. I take a slow breath but leave the stray tears on my cheek. Sam deserves to be remembered, to be wept for.

No. I still don't regret what I've done.

“I need to know.” Cam's voice pulls me from my thoughts. His expression is full of hesitation. “When I said I was sorry, I meant it. Do you think you can forgive me? Because I'm crazy about you, and I can't imagine spending another day with you running away from me.”

Without a word, I slip out from under Sanda, resting her head gently on the cushioned chair. I wrap my arms around Cam's neck and bury my face in his chest. His uninjured arm encircles me instantly and he rubs my back with his right hand. This is what I've needed all along. I needed someone to see who I am in spite of what I've done. Cam can see me, all of me, and he still loves me. It's the best feeling in the world.

His arms set my world aright again, and I lean my face against his neck. The heat of his skin is surreal and so strong. I tighten my arms and drag him closer, enjoying the way he eases the ache in my heart.

I press my lips against his and only pull back to whisper the words I've never said to another living soul. “I love you, too. And I'm done running.”

 

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I've heard other authors refer to certain books as the “book of my heart,” and I think Piper's story is mine. I have a few people to thank that
Cut Me Free
is finally out in the world.

First, I need to thank my family. To my mom and Krista, thank you for your feedback and for loving Piper enough to push me to keep working on it, even when it was a struggle. Thank you to Bill, Eric, Amanda, and Matt for reading and supporting me on this crazy path I've chosen. And to my husband, Ande, and our boys, Cameron and Parker, thank you for blessing my every day with laughter and love. Because you've given me such a wonderful life, Piper has the will to fight for something more.

To my girls: Thank you, L. T. Elliot, for being the first to see the beauty in Piper's story. And thank you to Michelle Argyle, Natalie Whipple, Kasie West, Sara Raasch, Renee Collins, Candice Kennington, and Bree Despain. You helped me through the madness that is publishing. I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have found friends like you!

Huge thanks to my kindred authors from all over: Nichole Giles, Jessica Brody, Jennifer Bosworth, Morgan Matson, Michelle Gagnon, Jessica Khoury, Marie Lu, Brodi Ashton, Emmy Laybourne, Jennifer Lynn Barnes, J. Scott Savage, Leigh Bardugo, Kendare Blake, Gretchen McNeil, Jennifer L. Armentrout, James Dashner, and Julie Berry. Whether at conferences, retreats, or just online, you've made this trip so much better by being a part of it. Love you all!

I've been lucky enough to be a part of some fabulous author groups that have been so good to me. Thank you to all the Lucky 13s for being so supportive and making the debut road easier to navigate. Thank you to the Friday the Thirteeners (Natalie Whipple, Kasie West, Ellen Oh, Erin Bowman, April Tucholke, Elsie Chapman, Shannon Messenger, Megan Shepherd, Mindy McGinnis, Alexandra Duncan, Brandy Colbert, and Renee Collins) for taking me in and feeling like a safe place in a scary time. And thank you to the YA Scream Queens (Lindsay Currie, Lauren Roy, Sarah Jude, Courtney Alameda, Trisha Leaver, Dawn Kurtagich, Hillary Monahan, and Catherine Scully) for making what I write feel so freaking cool.

To my agent, Kathleen Rushall, you're my friend and advocate. Thank you for fighting my battles and celebrating my victories. You're the best!

To my fantastic readers, I know your lives are busy and I am so glad you take time out of them to read my stories. Every e-mail I get from you brightens my day, and I'm so grateful you keep reading!

And of course, to my brilliant editor, Janine O'Malley, thank you for helping me polish this story until the truth of it could shine through. I'm so thrilled to be working with you! Thank you to Simon Boughton and Joy Peskin for always making me feel wonderfully welcome. To Angie Chen, thank you for putting up with my crazy questions and always having all the answers! Thank you to Andrew Arnold for capturing perfection in this brilliant cover and having the absolute coolest chair in the office (someday I hope to inherit the cover lock from you!). To Nicole Banholzer, Katie Fee, and Caitlin Sweeny, thank you so much for helping readers find Piper and her story. And to the rest of the
Cut Me Free
team at FSG, thank you for bringing Piper into the world. I am forever grateful for all you've done and continue to do.

 

 

Farrar Straus Giroux Books for Young Readers

175 Fifth Avenue, New York 10010

Copyright © 2015 by J. R. Johansson

All rights reserved

First hardcover edition, 2015

eBook edition, January 2015

macteenbooks.com

eBooks may be purchased for business or promotional use. For information on bulk purchases, please contact Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department by writing to [email protected].

The Library of Congress has cataloged the print edition as follows:

 

Johansson, J. R., 1978–

    Cut me free / J. R. Johansson.

        pages cm

    Summary: “A seventeen-year-old barely escapes her abusive parents and creates a new identity that is quickly compromised when her attempt to save a young girl attracts a deadly stalker”—Provided by publisher.

    ISBN 978-0-374-30023-4 (hardback)

    ISBN 978-0-374-30024-1 (e-book)

    [1.  Child abuse—Fiction.   2.  Emotional problems—Fiction.   3.  Stalking—Fiction.   4.  Identity—Fiction.   5.  Family—Fiction.   6.  Mystery and detective stories.]   I.  Title.

    PZ7.J62142Cut 2014

    [Fic]—dc23

2014023371

eISBN 9780374300241