Cyrus (19 page)

They pulled the couch apart and made a fort.
Tara was so gentle and calm with her.

“It’s not fair,” I grumbled and Bell poked
her head out.

“What’s not fair?”

“You two are having all sorts of fun and I’m
banished to the recliner.”

Tara scooted out and went to use the
bathroom.

“Is she gonna die?”

I was not sure how to answer that, “Little
Bell, I don’t really know.”

“Sometimes she doesn’t remember me,” damn
what the hell do you say to that?

“She remembers you Bell, you’re pretty
unforgettable. I pushed the foot rest down and leaned forward,
“What you said to Momma Joe out there, that she’ll see your Momma,
she’ll see Charlie. I think that’s how you should always think. You
know that will make three angels in heaven watching over you,
that’s pretty cool, you know.”

“Four, Grandpa Jonathon too.” She held up
four and it made me smile.

I was including him, not the fuck of a
father Charlie had. Lee had kept Bella from Jase, caused my family
to go through hell, so heaven? Well I’m not his judge.

“Four is a great number, perfect
actually.”

“Does it hurt to die? I mean when she goes
to the hospital, she always seems like she leaves in pain. I don’t
want her to hurt.”

I shook my head no and looked up to see Tara
looking sadly at Bell, “You lost your Mom?”

“Yep, she died right after she had me. I
don’t remember her.”

Tara sat down, “My parents died when I was
five, I don’t remember them either. But I know sometimes I think I
remember them sounding like they were in pain. But I think it’s a
different pain than we think it is. Like it just hurts really bad
because they’re leaving us. They need us to be strong for them. So
they can go to…to heaven.” Tara squeezed her hand, “But your uncle
has nasty germs that hurt him so lets you and I get him a drink and
some medicine. Then when he falls asleep, we watch this movie
again?”

They left the room and I closed my eyes. I
was feeling chilled again and I was real happy Tara was here to
deal with that because I know what death sounds like. I got nothing
good to say about it. No PG version of the shit I’ve seen.

Birdies

She looked like she was trying to be so
strong. But I imagine she wasn’t. I’d seen lots of kids who had
lost their parents and it was never alright. I’d seen lots of
adults lose theirs and it was equally as hard on them: death wasn’t
alright. It took a part of us, a part we treasure, a part we
love.

She pulled out a coloring book and crayons
and she climbed back into the couch cushion fort and opened her
book, it was fairies, a whole book full of them.

“Wanna color?”

“I would love to,” I watched as she turned
through the pages of already colored pictures trying to find the
right one.

“I make my uncles color with me, Cyrus did
this one,” she pointed to a green fairy, “He tells me they’re
birds, not fairies and I told him they were angels. What do you
think they are?”

I smiled and peeked over at him covering his
face and shaking his head from side to side, “I’m sure it says
fairies on the front of the book, and honestly they kind of look
like angels more than birds.”

She smiled and stuck her tongue out at him
and he did it back to her.

“You should color yours to look like your
mom. That’s what I do usually. Do you still miss her?”

“Of course, her and my Dad. It’s just really
hard to remember them after fifteen years.”

“You should look at pictures,” she smiled,
“That’s what I do. Then I imagine visiting her. Jumping on clouds,
riding on her back. I know it sounds childish, but it helps.”

It was kind of cute that she said it sounds
childish when in fact she was a child, “I will do the imagining
thing, I just don’t have pictures.”

She looked over at Cyrus and then back at
me, “Aren’t the ones in the Jeep yours? Momma Carly said they
belonged to you.”

Cyrus sat up quickly, “Hey Bell…” he was
struggling with what to say but he looked like he saw a ghost. “You
wanna go grab me a bowl of that popcorn?”

“You don’t like microwave things,” she
laughed and got up.

“Yeah, but I’m a little hungry.” His eyes
never left mine.

“Okay.”

The front door opened and Zandor walked in
and he got up and walked to him and whispered something and Zandor
closed his eyes quickly and shook his head before walking into the
kitchen.

“Hey Tara, we need to chat,” he grabbed my
hand and pulled me up and pulled me behind him down the hall to the
other room, a room that looked like an office or library. Once
inside he shut the door behind him and motioned for me to sit.

“I was gonna tell you this last night
but…”

“Just tell me now,” I felt kind of sick to
my stomach.

“I went back to your old apartment and got
your belongings. Then I headed up to Red Hook. The lady who owns
the house was a friend of your parents, she actually tried to gain
custody of you, well that’s what her son said. I guess they were
your neighbors when you were younger.”

He stopped and looked at me, “She was behind
on taxes when she passed away. Her son Mitch was trying to figure
out how to save it and pay the medical bills and well, she passed
away a month ago.”

“How do you know all this?” I know I sounded
angry but I didn’t mean too.

“Lucky I guess, we went into the town office
and asked about it.”

“Why?”

“The bedroom Tara, your bedroom.”

He gave me a few minutes to digest it all
and then continued.

“Real long story short-- Mrs. McGregor
wanted to keep it for you. Apparently you and Mitch were friends
and you spent time at each other’s houses. She and your mom were
close. Tara your bedroom was pretty damn clean compared to the rest
of the place. There was a chest of some sort that held photos, lots
of photos and a few other things. That’s what Bella is talking
about. I brought them back, I thought maybe you’d like to see them,
see your memories.”

I didn’t want to, “I appreciate it Cyrus,
but I don’t want to.”

“Not now, no-- and I understand. But someday
maybe,” he was holding my hand, rubbing my hand. I was angry with
him but I knew it was stupid, I knew it was my own insecurities,
“Talk to me Birdie.”

I swallowed back pending tears, “What if the
memories I see are not what I have held onto, dreamt of for fifteen
years? When I have those dreams it makes the next day better. I
don’t want to give that up.”

“Okay, I get that you’re not ready, I really
do. I do have something else to tell you though.”

I nodded, I couldn’t talk.

“As I said the house was behind on taxes.
Mitch has a family and couldn’t afford to keep it so you Tara, are
the proud owner of your family home. Paper work should have been
filed today.”

“How is that possible? I don’t have
money—Cyrus what did you do?”

“Look it was real cheap, and twenty acres of
land, wooded land comes with it. You can log it, probably pay for
college or to fix up the house, it has strong bones, Birdie. It can
be your home if that’s something you want. If not-- sell it. But it
wasn’t like I had time to talk this over with anyone. He was gonna
sell to a developer, meeting scheduled for the next day. I just
threw him a bone, a little more than what the developer was asking
and he took it. He was pretty damn relieved that you would be the
one to have it. Said it was his Mom’s wish.”

I sat for a minute without talking. I was
grateful for everything he had done. I truly was, but I had all my
life felt that I owed people, I owed so many people for taking care
of me. It wasn’t a good feeling either. But right now he was sick
because of me, and his family was in crisis and I wanted to be
alone but I couldn’t because I owed each and every one of them.

“Tara, look it was cheap…”

“How much?”

“Don’t worry about it, no big…”

“Cyrus, to me it’s a real big deal alright.
For all my life I have been someone’s problem. I can excuse away
the foster families who put up with me…”

“Listen-- I met every one of those families
less than a week ago.”

“What? Why?”

“I made you a promise Birdie, I don’t break
a promise. You don’t owe them shit, okay? They all said how
wonderful you were. They said you had never given them an ounce of
trouble and did more than your share around the homes of the people
who were paid to take care of you Tara. You don’t owe them shit do
you understand?”

Cyrus was masking his anger and I was doing
the same.

“They were good to me.”

“How could they not be Tara?”

I wanted to be alone, just for five minutes
but how do you ask for that from a man like him. A man who risked
so much to take care of you. A man I knew I was falling for. A man
who in the heat of last night told me he was falling in love with
me. A man who didn’t remember he had said those words to a girl
like me, who desperately wanted them to be real.

“I will never be angry at any of them. They
all had reasons for the choices they made Cyrus. Your mother said
the same things to me yesterday. We all do what we have to do. So
please don’t be angry at them.”

“I was real fucking angry at them. For a few
days I was angry at them. But yeah I get it. They kept you safe so
no Tara I can’t stay angry. What made me angry, what fucking tears
at me is that when you were in trouble-- you had nowhere to go. No
one to fall back into. Not angry Tara, fucking crushed for
you…”

“Don’t pity me Cyrus, I won’t have
that.”

“It’s not pity, Birdie.” He stopped himself
from continuing and we stared at each other for a long
uncomfortable moment.

“How much?”

He raised his eyebrow giving me that look
that probably intimidated most people, but not me. Not after
everything I had been through with him, “I’m not afraid of
you.”

His expression softened and he smirked,
“Cracking the inner badass.”

I couldn’t help my hands from grabbing his
face and I tried my best to give him back a threatening look, “And
I’m finding my own inner bitch, so again, how much.”

“Twenty seven grand was the asking, I gave
him forty.”

“Push over,” I smiled and he pulled me
against him.

“You tell anyone, and I’ll kick your little
ass.”

“I’m going to pay you back for
everything.”

“Nah, pay it forward Birdie.”

“It’s a lot of money. How do you have that
kind of money lying around? You must do a lot of tattoos.”

“That’s just for fun Birdie, I have a real
job too.”

“Are you going to be in trouble for missing
so much time?”

“Nope, I’m good.”

“Yes you are.”

He grabbed my shoulders and held me away
from him and looked at me in mock shock, “You flirting with me
Birdie?”

I shook my head no and smiled.

“Friends don’t do that shit, girl,” Cyrus
kissed the top of my head and then looked at the scarf and let out
a sigh, “Or that. You gotta keep me in check now that you’re a bad
ass Birdie.”

“Sure, I’ll try.”

The door opened and Bell popped her head in,
she giggled, “Oops… sorry-- but I gotta pee.”

She was so cute, so sweet. It was so strange
to me that after all the loss she had suffered she looked
completely at ease, “You’re a beautiful little girl.”

She smiled and then laughed, “I’m gonna pee
my pants.”

Cyrus laughed and finally let go of me, “We
wouldn’t want that now would we? Alright Birdie—Tara and I will
give you some privacy.”

I was putting the couch back together when
Cyrus’s phone rang. He looked at it and took in a deep breath,
“What’s up Jase?”

He left the room and Bella came out, “You
gonna look at the pictures and stuff?”

She seemed excited and I didn’t want to tell
her no but I couldn’t do it, not yet, “I’m not brave enough to do
it yet, Bella. It’s been fifteen years.”

She looked at me thoughtfully and then Cyrus
came back in the room, “Hey Little Bell, your Dad wants to talk to
you.”

He looked at me and I saw pain. I sat down
and she plopped down next to me.

“Hey Daddy…okay…can you please tell her I
love her,” her eyes, my God-- her eyes were so full of hurt. “No
Daddy I’m not brave enough to do that…Please don’t make me…I’ll
consider it…okay…no, I want you and Momma Carly and Momma Joe to
stay with her…I don’t want her to be afraid and if you’re all there
she won’t be…okay Daddy…I’ll try…I love you too.”

She handed Cyrus back the phone and wrapped
her little arms around me and her body shook. I held her tightly as
Cyrus watched and listened to Jase on the other end.

“Nah, she’s good… We’re good… We’ll take
care of it… Sorry about all this Jase… Love you bro…see you
then.”

Cyrus hung up the phone and squatted down in
front of Bella and I, “You know, I can take you.” She shook her
head no and closed her eyes, “Look at me Little Bell. You are the
bravest girl I know. You can do this. I will be there, Dad will be
there, Zandor can be there too, we’re family…”

“I’m a girl, I don’t always have to be
brave, right Tara?”

Right then and there I knew what I had done.
I had told her I wasn’t brave and that made her fear something she
had not before.

“Sure, but is it because I said I wasn’t
brave?” she shrugged. “You know, there has never been a night when
I didn’t wish, right before I fell asleep that I could say
goodnight to my parents one more time.”

Her eyes saddened and she leaned further
into me, “I don’t wanna say goodbye.”

“No, I’m sure you don’t,” God this hurt.
“There’s lots of things people don’t want to do every day and many
times it’s out of fear Bella, and it holds us back. I’m sure you’re
one of the bravest girls in the whole world and I’m sure whatever
you decide will be just fine. But maybe you could try, just try to
think about what would be good about seeing her again.”