Damaged (12 page)

Peter’s
hands find my cheeks and then slip back into my hair. He holds me for a second and breathes, “I can’t.”

“Peter…” his gaze lifts. I feel like he punched me in the stomach. There’s so much there, so much pain and
affection and turmoil. It kills me. I can feel his agony when I look into his eyes. I take his hands and put one on my waist. “Dance with me. Stop thinking for a while.” He nods, and says nothing.

Neither of us speaks again. Peter leads me around the floor, changing the dance as we go along.
We lose track of time. It isn’t until I hear Millie’s loud whistle that we stop. Peter nods at me and heads to the cooler to grab a bottle of water.

Millie walks over to me with her eyes bugging out of her head. “What the hell was that?”

I walk into the hallway to find the girl’s room. I need to splash water on my face. “What was what?”

Millie follows me.
She grabs my arm before I can push through the bathroom door. I whirl around. “You like him.”

“I do not. We were practicing something. You’ll see it in a few
minutes. Let me wash my face off. It’s too damn hot in there.” I try not to sound bitchy, but fail. I’m too defensive, too fast to get out of there.

Millie opens her mouth to counter my claim and follows me into the bathroom. She looks under the stalls, and when she
knows we’re alone, she says, “Do not do this.”

“I’m not doing anything.”

“Sidney, don’t lie to me. Can you honestly tell me that there’s nothing between you two?” Her hands are on her hips. She’s looking at me in the mirror.

“There’s nothing. I don’t know what you think you see, but maybe you should have your eyes checked.” I splash water on my face. I have on waterproof
mascara, but it’ll run if I rub my eyes. I grab a paper towel and pat my face dry.

“You wouldn’t say it that way if I said you were sleeping with Dusty.”

“Uh, you’re right, because I’d choke on my vomit. What’s with you?” I turn around and lean back on the sinks. “You’re the one who wanted me to come and do this. Peter’s my boss. I’m his TA. And yes, I call him Peter the same way I called Dr. Tadwick, Tony.”

“You called Dr. Anthony Tadwick, Tadwick. You never called him Tony, not to me.
”  She looks concerned and she shouldn’t be. Millie sighs and rubs the side of her head. “Just don’t do anything stupid.”

“God, why do people keep saying that?”

“Sidney, that’s usually a pretty good sign that a big truck load of stupid is about to mow you down. Listen to your friends. Don’t screw your prof. Sleep with guys your own age.” She sounds like she knows everything, which pisses me off.

“How many guys have I sl
ept with in the entire time I’ve known you?”

“I don’t know? You want an exact number?” She’s leaning toward
the mirror, fixing her eye make-up.

“Just guess. Best estimate, based on
lingerie, dates, make-up, and whatever else you can think of. Tell me how many guys you think it’s been.”

She’s qui
et for a moment and then shakes her head. “I don’t remember hearing you talk about anyone like that.”

“Am I talking about anyone like that now?”

“No.” She shakes her head. “But that doesn’t mean—”

“It doesn’t mean what? Millie
, what do you want from me? You set me up with guys, I tag along with you, I do every little thing you ask me to, and then I find some guy that I actually get along with and what? You’re telling me to stay away from him?”

“He’s a professor, Sidney. You’re going to get in trouble.”

“For what? For being his friend? For not sleeping with him? For not fucking him the first day he was here? Exactly what did I do wrong, because I’m not seeing it?” I’m yelling. I don’t mean to, but I am. “You know what. Forget it. I’m not talking about this with you.”

“You almost slept with him?” I shake my head and put up my hands,
as if it’ll deaden my ears to her words. “Sidney, wait.” She chases me out of the ladies room and down the hallway. “Where are you going?”

I’m leaving the gym. I feel
bad about ditching Peter, but I can’t do this. I feel like I’m going to fall apart. I need to calm down. I slam open the doors to outside and go sit in the parking lot. I’m leaning against a car, and tuck my head so no one can see my face. I breathe deeply, trying to calm down. I left my phone and everything inside.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why did I flip out on her? Millie didn’t say anything bad
, not really. It wasn’t like Dusty telling me the rumors. Maybe that’s what’s bothering me. I made the rumors worse. Damn it. I sit on the car for a while, wondering how stupid I am. Maybe I shouldn’t be hanging around Peter at all. It makes me sick to think about not seeing him every day, but maybe Millie’s right. Maybe I should be going after guys my own age.

Am I really hung up on Peter? Is that why I haven’t had a date since January? It can’t be Peter. That’s not it. There are plenty of guys that are hot. I should find one and start over.
But why?

To be normal.
To start over.

My life has been stuck on pause for way too long. No boyfriend, no dating, no swooning over some guy, wondering when I’m going to see him again.
Unless I count Peter.

Don’t count Peter
.

The night air is thick.
My dress is clinging to me. I glance down and notice my cleavage is glistening. Damn it. I look all whorish. I fan myself, thinking I’m alone. It’s much more humid than usual, as though it might rain. Just when I think I’m ready to go inside, I see someone walking toward me.

“Hey, if it’s not the tech
ie TA.” Mark from Peter’s morning English class drops a bunch of books on the hood and walks over to me. I avert my gaze. My face is on fire. I feel the blush down to my toes. Holy shit, did he see me fanning my boobs?

He
scooches next to me. “Are you okay?” He tries to get a glimpse of my face, but I don’t let him.

I nod.
“Fine.” My voice squeaks.

He laughs.
“Ah, cuz it looks like you’re not fine, all avoiding my gaze like that. And, not fine has some obligatory obligations that go with it.” He’s leaning on his hands, and not looking at me. The way he says it makes me smile, but I still feel stupid.

I glance up at him.
“Obligatory obligations?”

Mark
nods, “Yeah, like tissues, totally. And maybe a ride home, ‘cuz it would be lowly of me to make you walk.” He ducks his head to the side and tries to catch my eye. I glance at him and give a weak smile. “That’s better. Wait ‘til you see the tissues. Prepare to have your mind blown.” He moves around to the driver’s side and comes back with a box. I thought he was kidding, but when he holds them out, I can’t help it.

My jaw drops and I grab for one. “Wow. Thes
e are really tissues?” I feel the soft tissue in my hand, but the thing is glowing. I dab my brow and my neck. My body is covered in little beads of sweat. It’s so frickin’ hot.

“Yup.
I got ‘em off the internet. The only horrible side effect is that your nose, or wherever, will glow green for a while when everyone shuts out the lights.”

I stop and stare at him.
“What?”

There must be knifes shooting out of my eyeballs, because he holds up his hands and says,
“Just kidding, pretty lady. I just wanted to see you smile again.” Mark bumps his shoulder into mine. I can’t help it, I grin. “There it is. You made my night. Please sit on my car anytime you want. It’s usually unlocked. Feel free to sit inside, if it’s raining or what-have-you.”

I nod. “
Thanks, Mark.”

“No problem
, babe. You want a ride somewhere?” He’s so sweet. The guy has been around me all semester, but this is the first time he’s really talked to me. During class, I’ve caught him looking my way, but I thought I imagined it. He’s too cute and way too popular to be talking to me. I can see why there’s always a group of people around him.

I look back at the gym
. This guy is my age and he’s really sweet, but…

“No
, thanks. I need to head back in. But thanks for this.” I hold up the tissues. “By the way, if my boobs glow green tonight, I’m gonna hunt you down.”

He laughs so hard he nearly falls off the car.
“Totally didn’t expect that from you. But, feel free. Green boobs or not, you can hunt me down anytime.” He smirks at me before ducking into his car. I watch him pull away, then head inside.

CHAPTER
17

I’m sitting on the bleachers when Peter sees me. He walks over and sits next to me. “I thought you ditched me.”

“I t
hought about it, but I didn’t want to make you look bad in front of all these kids. Millie pissed me off. Well, it’s not Millie. It’s everyone. They’re talking.” I’m picking at my nails as I’m speaking. When did I start telling him every little thing? I look at Peter out of the corner of my eye.
He’s your friend, stupid. Of course you tell him stuff.

P
eter looks puzzled. “They’re talking about what?”

“About us.
I’ve heard everything from you knocked me up, to you’re doing me in your office, and that TA means something else entirely. Get it? T and A? Har har. It’s hysterical.” I make a face and watch a couple of kids trying to dance in front of us. Another couple bumps into them.

P
eter gives me a strange look and then laughs. He runs his hands over his head, rumpling his hair. “Damn. I finally have a platonic relationship with a woman and look where it gets me.”

“I know right?
You scoundrel, you.” I’m leaning on my hands, with my elbows on my knees. There are more people here tonight. The music is blasting and the air is warm. Someone propped open the back door. The night air drifts in slowly and smells sweet, like honeysuckle.

“So, what’d you tell them?”

“I told one person that I have a mad crush on you. I kind of freaked out on her a little bit when she told me what people were saying. I needed a diversion. And Millie, well, I just bit her head off. No explanation.” I stare straight ahead.

Peter clears his throat. I look at him out of the corner of my eye. He’s grinning. “You defended me?
And what, my honor? I thought I was supposed to do that for you?”

I smirk and turn
toward him. Peter’s face is glistening from dancing. Damn, it’s hot in here. The no air conditioning thing is rough. My eyes drift to his shoulders and down his chest. Peter’s shirt is sticking to his chest and is very wrinkled. He looks good. There’s more color in his cheeks, more life in his eyes than when he first got here.

I bump him with my shoulder.
“You’re a dork, you know that?”

“
Is it because of the dancing?” Peter asks, seriously, trying to figure out why people would say that about us. He looks baffled. Peter pushes his hair out of his face. It’s damp and curling at the ends.

“
Are you kidding?” I ask and he shakes his head. I smirk at him. “It’s because you’re hot. There’ll be rumors about anyone you talk to unless they see you dating someone, and even then… well, people are stupid. They talk even when there isn’t anything to talk about.”

“Did they say things like that about Tadwick?”

“Tadwick wasn’t hot. You are.”

“And who
se opinion is that?” He’s grinning at me. Peter bumps me with his knees.

“It’s the word on the street. Personally, I think you’re a little too
muscly and tan. I prefer my men frail and pasty. Sorry, Charlie.”

“Peter. My name is Peter. Damn, Sidney.
You can’t even remember my name.” Peter’s smile deepens and I can see a dimple on his cheek. They’re so cute. He is pretty to look at. I glance at a flock of girls behind him on the bleachers. There’s a pool of drool on the floor. They are all staring, their mouths gaping like Swedish Fish.

I
get up and smack Peter in the arm with the back of my hand. “Come on, professor. I want to dance until I can’t stand up.” I bound across the room with Peter on my heels. I stop and turn suddenly. He nearly slams into me. Time freezes for a moment. The air feels hotter, the night feels electrified. Peter lifts his hand. I press my palm to his. The touch is charged. I feel it down to my toes. I grin broadly. I can’t help it. And we dance.

Peter’s hands are always in modest places, but the way his hands slide over my skin and glide over my dress, well, it feels like he owns me—like I’m his to control. It’s weird. I’ve danced before
, but this feeling never emerged. I danced to get away from my ex and my family. They weren’t interested. It was a place to find my balance and learn to endure my life. But Peter changed that. I’m no longer enduring. I’m laughing, sweating, and spinning. I don’t shirk away from his touch, either. That’s new. When we first started dancing together, I enjoyed it—I can admit that—but his hands made me nervous. Now they make me comfortable. I feel stronger, better.

The music moves faster as the tempo changes. We’re laughing and
some of the students stop to watch us. Peter asks as we dance, “Ready?” He wants to do a throw.

I nod. I expect him to lead into the steps, but he doesn’t. Instead we step into each other and
Peter spins me back and pulls me to him. I grin. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing.
Just wondering why you trust me with throws but not—”

“D
eath spins? I think it has something to do with the word
death
.” I laugh. The music pulses through me. Peter winds me around him and under his arm, then he snaps me back to his chest.

“I think I could convince you.” He smiles down at me and twirls me across the floor. We
separate for a few steps before he reaches for me again. I’m back in his arms. There’s a not much space between us. Peter holds me so close that we’re nearly touching.

“I’m not wearing a helmet.”

He laughs. “You’re so stubborn.”

“You’re so not going to throw my face at the floor.” I grin at him.
Peter holds up his palm and pushes on my back. I follow, moving under his arm. The music is in the right spot to lead into the aerial.

“Are you holding out on me or are we doing this?”

Peter yanks me close and my hips slam against his. My heart is pounding way too fast. “Let’s do it.”

Peter
leads me into the move, and I follow. A twist, a turn, and he pulls me hard. I roll over his back with my legs splayed. My skirt flares and I land on the floor. I duck, and Peter swings his leg over my head before he pulls me up into a twist. I slip up from between his legs, and he lifts me by the waist. I continue the move and kick. I feel the momentum as I swing upward. I’m smiling way too big. My stomach has that free-fall feeling as I come rushing back down.

Peter executes the move perfectly and my legs fly around his waist. His hands cradle my back as
dips me backward. The music stops. We’re both breathing hard. The silence becomes more noticeable. Peter holds me for a moment. The club starts clapping and Peter sets me down. He nods at me, as if it was a demonstration. Then, he goes into safety issues with those kinds of moves and invites the more advanced dancers to learn some of the steps we just did.

A girl walks up to Peter. He holds out his hand and dances with her.
That’s when I realize that sharing isn’t my thing. Peter looks beautiful, all rumpled and smelling like heaven. Stuffing my nail-clawing instincts back into the crazy part of my brain, I grab a bottle of water from the cooler. I watch him show a few girls the moves in slow motion. There are some guys there, too. He shows them where to put their hands and how to lead the steps.

I guzzle my water and walk the perimeter of the room, trying to cool off. After a while, I head toward the open door. The night breeze feels good on my skin. I
step outside. The sky is deep indigo, like a bottle of ink. There’s a speckling of stars tonight. I lean against the cool brick wall, feeling the rough stones through the thin fabric of my dress.

A few moments later, Peter comes out.
“Dinner?”

“Sure. I didn’t get a chance to eat
, yet.”

“Good.” He nods and heads back inside.

I’m standing there for a while, cooling off, when Tia strolls out. “Hey, that was so kick ass. Where the hell did you learn to dance like that?”

I grin. “I don’t know. If y
ou want something bad enough, you learn how. I thought it’d be fun, so I figured it out.” I shrug and take a drink from the bottle. “It isn’t as hard as it seems.”

She nods and takes a drink from her own b
ottle. “Every time I think I’m in shape, I find out that I’m not. God, and no wonder why everyone is saying Granz is hot. He is a da-ahm fine piece of ass.”

“Yeah, he’s got a great ass.”

I don’t realize what time it is. I don’t realize that anyone is behind me.

“Thanks,
Colleli,” Peter says, tossing me my stuff. It smacks me in the stomach, but I catch it. “And all this time I thought you were saying I was an ass. My mistake.”

My face turns red and my eyes go wide. Peter doesn’t stop walking. He keeps going, heading toward the parking lot. I shove Tia lightly. She’s laughing at me. “You suck,” I hiss. “You knew he was there.”

“Yeah, I did. It was perfect. I had to.” She’s laughing, guzzling water from her bottle, nearly choking.

“I’ll get you back. Just wait.”

“Go ahead and try!” Tia yells, as I sprint across the parking lot toward Peter’s car.

I duck inside, out of breathe. “I didn’t say that.” I feel the need to clarify as I click my seatbelt.

“I didn’t hear anything, I mean, besides the comment about my super-fine ass.” He laughs and looks over at me. “I can’t figure you out. You act like we’re friends, and that’s it—then, you go and do stuff like that. You’re baffling.”

“
Baffling? No, I think you’ve got the wrong word. I’m…” my eyes cut to Peter, as he pulls out of the parking lot and onto the road. I slump back into my seat and let out a rush of air. “I don’t know what I am. A train wreck. A mess. Damaged goods. Pick one. Or all three.”

He shakes his head and smiles. “You’re a hot mess, an enigma, a poem—all raw emotion with nothing held back.”

I blurt out a laugh, because he couldn’t be more wrong. “With nothing held back? I hold everything back.”

“No
, you don’t. You’re clear as crystal.”

“You’re insane.”

“And that’s how I know that I’m right. You do that a lot, you know?” I look at him. I have no idea what he’s talking about. Apparently, he can tell that I don’t follow. “You talk that way when I get too close to the truth. You get defensive and call me names. It means that I’m right.”

“It could just mean that I thin
k you’re an ass, and nothing more.” I’m about to say I told you so when Peter glances at me. From the look on his face, I can tell he’s not going to let it drop.

“Are you attracted to me, Sidney?”

The question makes my stomach jump up my throat. I can’t look at him. I feel my face getting hot, along with the rest of me. I manage to blurt out, “What the hell? Who asks that?”

“
Uhm, I did. Are you attracted to me? It’s a simple question.” Peter glances at me, and then back at the road.

Thank God it’s dark. I’m pretty sure my face has exploded into flames. I want to tell him that he’s a bad, bad
, man but that sounds too juvenile, so I say, “You’re such a jerk!” I cover my face with my hand and look out the window. My pulse is roaring in my ears. I feel Peter’s gaze slip over my neck for a moment. Why does he do this to me? So what if I think he’s hot? It’s not as though we can do anything. It doesn’t matter. But still, I’d rather not say it.

“Well, that looks like a yes. Should I tell you what I think of you?”

“I don’t care,” I mumble, still looking out the window.

“Oh. Well,
then I won’t tell you.” He’s grinning, driving into the darkness to the restaurant on the other side of town.

I expect him to continue teasing me, but he doesn’t say anything else. The silence spans between us and my mind latches onto the last thing he said. Now
, I really want to know what he thinks of me. I can’t believe he can sit there quietly and not tell me. I flick my eyes toward him. Peter is still driving with that infuriatingly sexy grin on his face, as if he knows exactly what he did.

I stare at the night sky and wonder why that question bothered me so much. Of course I’m attracted to him. Of course he already knows that. We nearly slept together. But that’s not it. It’s not what he knows that scares me. It’s what he doesn’t know. I’m attached to him. Given the choice to hang out with Peter or Millie, I’d ch
oose Peter. He understands me better. He’s become my best friend. It doesn’t matter that he’s my boss or my teacher. I feel comfortable around him. I’ve grown accustomed to his voice, his face. Every time Peter steps into the room, every time he swings me around in his arms, I feel peace—no it’s beyond that—I feel happy. My stomach sinks as I wonder what that means.

I think I know.

I glance at Peter. I’m staring at the side of his face, drinking in the stubble along his jaw and the way his dark hair curls by his ears. His skin is so perfect, and his eyes—oh God—his eyes are like gemstones. When I look at them, it’s as if I’m lost in a beautiful blue cavern covered in sparkling sapphires. And for once in my life, I feel safe. I don’t worry about him hurting me, or touching me, or forcing me.

I don’t realize how long I’m watching him until Peter turns and looks at me. He smiles softly and it feels like I’m in a free-fall. My stomach floats up to my mouth and I can’t speak.