Damaged (13 page)

Oh no. No, no, no, no, no
. My eyes are a little too wide when I look back out the windshield. My brain is chanting
no,
over and over again, as if it will erase the discovery my mind just made. My heart laughs. As if these things can be undone, as if it’s possible to fall out of love as easily as it is to fall in love.

I love him? That can’t be
.

I deny it. That’s not what’s happening. It can’t be. I don’t love him. That’s insane. I don’t even know him.

But you do
, that sweet reassuring voice says in the back of my head. I beat her with a broom and stuff her in a closet. She’s usually the sane voice in my mind. I would have sworn that she is my reason, but that was not reasonable. I don’t know Peter, not like that. I don’t want to. I can’t—

My frantic thoughts get cut off when
Peter pulls into the parking lot. I’m panicking. Things aren’t the same as they were two seconds ago. I realized that I have feelings for the guy sitting next to me. Maybe I’m dense as a dinosaur for not noticing—damn, everyone else noticed—but I don’t know what to do now. Act the same? Pretend the thought never crossed my mind?

I take too long to get out of the car. Peter
walks around to open my door.

“What are you doing?
” I ask, as he offers his hand and pulls me up from my seat. Peter’s looking down at me with those eyes. I forget to breathe.

He stands too close. I step
away, and back into the car. Peter steps closer, closing the gap. He’s close enough to touch me, but he doesn’t. His eyes sweep over me before he asks, “Don’t you want to know what I think?”

I shake my head slowly
, careful to avoid his gaze, and tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. “No.” My voice is too soft. Damn it. It sounds like a
yes
. I clear my throat and try again. I have to look up. I know I have to do it. Just say it. Spit it out as if it doesn’t matter, because once he tells me what he thinks, I won’t be able to let it go. I don’t want things to change. What we have is good.

Looking directly into
his eyes, I smile and say, “I don’t want to know what you think. I don’t feel that way about you.” The lie burns my tongue.

He doesn’t back away. Instead, Peter stays there, watching me. He leans close to my ear
, and says, “I think you’re beautiful, and that sharp tongue of yours…. God, I’ve never wanted to kiss a woman so much in my life. I will kiss you tonight. I won’t be able to help myself.” I shiver as he speaks. When Peter pulls away, my body is tense. My spine is stiff and my head is spinning like I’m falling down a rabbit hole.

“I don’t know what to say.” I’m watching him,
barely breathing. My eyes are locked on his lips, wondering if he’ll really do it.

P
eter runs his hand along my cheek; his eyes are on my mouth. “Then, don’t say anything.” He turns and walks away. He’s crossing the parking lot. I stand there, watching him head inside. When he pulls the door open, he looks back at me. “Coming, Colleli?”

Peter’s
screwing with me. He has to be messing with me. I blow off everything he just did and walk confidently across the parking lot. Screw him. Two can at play this game.

Peter’s holding the door open. I turn to the side as I pass him, sucking in air. We’re too close.
I do it on purpose. My chest barely brushes against his as I pass. The sensation shoots way too many tingles through me, but I know he feels it, too. The way he stops breathing and looks up tells me that it was completely unexpected. 

“E
xcuse me,” I say, way too breathily, before stepping away. Peter’s lips are parted. His shoulders are back, rigid. I turn toward the hostess station with a wicked grin. Peter is still sucking in air like he’s been kicked in the stomach. “Table for two, please.”

Peter
suddenly moves and steps toward me. I feel the heat from his body against my back. He whispers in my ear, “That was evil.”

“You started it,” I say over my shoulder
, smiling.

We follow the hostess to the same table we always sit
at. It’s our table. How did that happen? Peter steps in front of the girl and pulls out my chair and I sit down. The hostess stands there, waiting to hand us menus. Peter pushes me toward the table gently, and then takes his seat opposite me. His eyes glitter with mirth. He has a smug half grin on his face. For a brief second, his eyes drop to my lips. It makes me squirm in my chair. I can’t believe he said that before. He was teasing me. He had to be.

“
So,” Peter says.

“So.”
My voice catches in my throat.

The way he’s looking
at me, as if he wants to kiss me until my knees give out and I fall into his arms, makes me flustered. I don’t understand him. We’ve been hanging around each other since he arrived. Aside from the first night, Peter hasn’t overtly done anything. Has he? I suddenly feel stupid. What if all the flirting was real? I assumed it wasn’t. I thought he was teasing. Is Peter crazy enough to try and be with me, even if it costs him his job? He’s a new teacher. That would be incredibly stupid, damning the rest of his career. So what is he thinking? I have no idea.

I start to open my mouth to tell him that we can’t do anything like that—no kissing, no nothing—when I see her walk past the fireplace. Dr. Strictland’s face lights up when she sees Peter. “Dr.
Granz, Miss Colleli. What a pleasant surprise.” She’s wearing a rich crimson suit that makes her hair look Annie orange.

“
Cyianna,” Peter says, “how nice to see you. Won’t you join us?”

She shakes her head. “No, I came in here to grab a dinner and go over some papers for my gra
duate students.” She smiles at us and then looks at me. “I heard you were assisting the new dancing club.”

“I am. We were just there. Dr.
Granz is the sponsor.”

She looks at both of us. “I see.” She says it
as though she really sees something. Strictland looks back at Peter. “You know what; I think I will join you. I’ve worked hard enough and it’s been a long day.” The hostess brings another chair and Dr. Strictland sits down next to me. She pats my knee and I nearly jump out of my seat. She gives me a funny look. “Sorry, dear.”

“It’s okay,” I lie. I hate being touched.
My gaze lifts. There’s an exception to that rule. Peter somehow got around it. I smile nervously, wondering if we’re going to get in trouble, but Strictland doesn’t say anything about us being here together.

The meal progresses normally. We all know each other. The subject matter flips between the university, the department, classes, and then to literature.

Just when I think Strictland’s not going to mention it, she does. “I hate to ruin a friendship or make things awkward between the two of you, but certain things have come to my attention.”

Peter smiles and shakes his head, “
Cyianna—”

“Peter, I know you well enough to realize that you won’t do anything stupid. But you’re young and Miss
Colleli is younger. You both have roles to play, expectations to fulfill. Friendship is encouraged, but nothing more. I only see friendship here, and for both of your sakes, I hope it stays that way.

“
Sidney, I don’t need to remind you about your scholarship. The university will not pay you to retake classes due to sexual indiscretion.” Oh my God. Did she just say that? My face burns. I manage to nod. “And Peter, you already know the severity of this. I hope I won’t have to mention it again.”

“You didn’t have to mention it now,” Peter says evenly.

Strictland watches him for a moment. She pats her napkin to her lips and places it on her plate. “You’ve been through more than most people, Peter. I consider myself a fair person. Let me be blunt. This arrangement that you have with your student looks wrong. You were dancing with her and then took her for dinner at one of the nicest establishments in town. According the hostess, they have seen the two of you here before—several times. Propriety has a look and this is not it. I don’t want to see or hear about anything like this again. Consider this a polite warning, Dr. Granz. I apologize for ruining your evening, but it had to be stated.” She stands, nods at us both, and then walks away.

CHAPTER
18

I glance at Peter, but he doesn’t look back at me. The consequences have been spelled out. If we keep this up, we both lose everything. The lump in my throat feels like a sugar cube. It won’t move. It’s just stuck. I want to say something to Peter, make him smile again, but it’s as though someone blew out the light in his eyes.

I can’t stand the silence any more. “We’re just friends, Peter. She knows that. So, we don’t eat here anymore.” I try to make light of it.

Peter looks up at me. His lips are parted, as though he can’t believe what I just I said. “Don’t lie to me, Sidney. I know you. This may be friendship, but there’s more to it than that. Everyone can see it. I know you see it. I wish you’d admit it. At least, then we could decide what to do together.” He pauses and then shakes his head when I don’t say anything. “Are you so messed up that you don’t even recognize your own feelings anymore?”

His words feel like a slap. I stiffen and look away.

I love him. I know I love him. Those words pierce my heart. My jaw twitches. I want to say it. I want to tell him that it’s so much more than he thinks, but I’m afraid that he’ll run. Maybe Peter’s infatuated, but I’m not.

“You’re damn right that I didn’t want to admit it
,” I say. “And no, I don’t have a good handle on my feelings anymore. For all practical purposes, the only emotion I’ve felt for the past four years has been pain. It never stops. Then, I met you.” I’m breathing hard. I feel my chest rise as I speak. I can’t stop the torrent of words flowing out of my mouth. “Things changed. Maybe I didn’t recognize what I felt then, but I do now. I’m a stupid girl who fell in love with her friend, and that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that I’ll lose everything if I tell you. This little patch of happiness will wither and die, and it will be all my fault, because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. I’d rather have you as a friend than not at all.”

Peter’s back is rigid, like someone replaced his spine with steel bar. Shocked, wide
, eyes look back at me. He doesn’t try to cut me off, and the more I talk, the worse he looks. By the time I finally shut up, Peter looks as if he’s been hit on the side of the head with a board. The only response is a shocked blink.

Screw it.
I’m not sitting here waiting for him to reject me. I jump up from the table and walk toward the ladies room. I feel tears building behind my eyes. I barely make it up the staircase and push open the door before big wet tears roll down my cheeks. Clutching the counter, I look up into the mirror.
Calm down
. I hear that little voice speaking softly inside my head.

“I ruined everything.” I clutch my face and sob into my
hands. I don’t want to be alone. I need him, and telling Peter how I feel was the stupidest thing I could have done. Strictland said our friendship was over the line, so I tell him that I love him. What the hell is wrong with me?

I twist on the
faucet and splash some water on my face. My crying slows, but my face still feels hot and puffy. When I go back downstairs, I need to act like I’m fine no matter how I feel inside. I need some fresh air, just for a second.

I walk over to the small window and yank the string for the blinds. They pull up quickly and I tug on the window, opening it. My vision is blurry and it’s dark, so I don’t notice until it’s too late. There’s a squirrel clinging to the outsi
de of the window. When I throw it open, the little beast starts to slip. His nails are lodged into the wooden frame, but the rapid movement when I slide the window open knocks him loose. His nails screech as he slides down the glass.

I watch fo
r a moment and realize that it can’t get a grip. We’re on the second floor. A strange impulse pounds through me. He’s going to fall. It’ll be my fault. I can’t be a squirrel killer.

I shriek and stomp my feet—
as if that will help—and shove my arms out the window to try and catch the little creature. The squirrel falls into my hands. My heart is about to explode. When the squirrel touches me, my brain shoots warning message and before I realize what I’m doing, I’m yanking my hands back inside. The squirrel clings to my arm.

I scream like someone is killing me and hop up and down
, trying to get him to let go. When that doesn’t work, I scream louder and spin in circles, whipping around as fast as I can, hoping the squirrel flies off. I only stop when he slides down my arm and his claws run out of skin to grab. I watch the animal sail across the room and smack into the wall.

At the same time that happens, the bathroom door flies open. Peter is standing
there, ready to punch someone when a frightened squirrel darts between his legs. Peter glances down, surprised. He turns on his heel and watches it run down the hall. Screams erupt a moment later.

Peter looks up at me. I’m holding my
clawed arm with my hand. My bottom lip quivers and sobs bubble up from inside of me. I can’t stop crying. I feel so stupid, so incredibly foolish. Peter walks to me, smiling and pulls me into his arms. For a moment, he just holds me. His fingers tangle in my hair and he keeps me tightly nuzzled to his chest.

When
Peter lets go, he looks down at my arm. The scratches aren’t deep. “Did it bite you?” I shake my head and wipe the tears away. Peter is trying so hard not to smile. “What happened? Were you guys fighting over a stall?”

Tears are still in my eyes, but the smile on his face makes me smile
, too. I thump my fist into his chest. “We weren’t fighting over a stall! I opened the window to get some air. There was a squirrel. When I pulled the window open, I thought he was going to die, so I caught him… and then I freaked out a little bit.”

Peter tries not to smile. He tries to keep a straight face and not laugh, but he’s doing a terrible job. He takes my head between his hands and looks me in the eye. “You’re all rig
ht? No rabies? No serial killer squirrels hiding in one of the stalls?”

“Shut up. You would have screamed
, too.” I twist out of his grip and swipe at him.

Peter laughs, really laughs. It shakes his whole body and tears form in his eyes. He rubs the heel of his hand over his eyes and says, “I would have.
No doubt.”

“Then why are you laughing?” I’m pouting. I don’t mean to, but I’m an emotional lunatic. We hear someone scream
and then a crash. They still haven’t caught the little beast. Damn squirrel.

“Because this is the kind of thing that would only happen to you.
You’re at the best restaurant in town and get attacked by a squirrel.” He starts laughing again.

I
fold my arms over my chest; the impulse to laugh with him is too strong. I smirk, saying, “When we retell it, let’s just say it was a bear.”

That makes him laugh harder. The two of
us stand in the ladies room way too long, leaning into each other and laughing. By the time we go to leave, my ribs hurt from giggling so much.

The restaurant apologizes over and over again.
They hate that I was attacked by a rodent in their bathroom. They comp our meal, and give us a ton of gift cards so we’ll come back. The manager is worried that we’ll tell everyone that they have animal problems, even though I have no intention of mentioning this to anyone for as long as I live.

Peter and I return to his car. On the way back to the dorm, he asks me if I have stuff to take care of
my cuts. I don’t.

“I have a first aid kit at my place. Let’s patch you up and then I’ll take you home.”

“Your place?” I ask, and glance over at him. He still hasn’t said anything about my
, I fell in love with my best friend
thing. I’m hoping he’ll never mention it again. I feel stupid enough as it is. I tease, “You’re not asking me up for coffee again, are you?”

He laughs. “No, but you can’t leave that cut untreated. You’ll grow a tail or somethin
g. Besides, it’s on the way to your dorm.”

I nod. I go to his place. I don’t realize what will happen. I don’t realize any of it.