Damaged 2 (2 page)

"I've
driven it alone before. I'll be fine, Millie. Finish up the semester and have
fun with Brent."

Millie's
mouth is open, but she doesn't say anything else. When she changes the topic, I
feel blindsided. "Where's Dr. Granz?"

"I
don't care." My grip tightens on the steering wheel.

"What
should I tell him when he comes looking for you?"

I
glance at her, suspicious. "When he comes looking? What makes you think he's
coming?"

"Brent
was with a group of guys on the Intramural Field last night. He said something
happened, that Dr. Granz was there. The university said he broke up a fight."
She swallows hard. "Rumor has it that you were the reason they were fighting."

I
grab my head with my hands and close my eyes. I pinch out all the light, the
dorm, the noise, and try to let it roll off. Of course people would think that.
Everyone thought I was screwing my teacher all year.
Fine. Whatever.

"Sidney—"
Millie starts.

I
cut her off and take her hands through the window. It's a normal gesture,
something I do to keep Millie focused when I'm telling her something important.
I don't even think about it. "It wasn't like that, okay? Believe whatever you
want, but it wasn't—" The words dry up in my throat when Millie takes my wrists
and turns my palms over.

Her
eyes have that knowing look when her gaze meets mine. "Sidney, what happened?
It looks like you tried to claw your way through a brick wall."

I
snatch my hands back and push my hair out of my face. "Nothing." My jaw locks.
I want to leave. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to tell her
anything. There's no single explanation. One answer makes twenty more questions,
and I don't want her to know what Dean did to me.

"That's
not nothing."

"I
fell, okay? Last night when I came out of English, I fell."

"Then
what about Granz? People are saying he—"

"Millie."
I cut her off. "I have to go. I'll call you and fill you in, okay?"

She
nods, which makes her blonde curls bob back and forth. "Fine, but I think
you're being stupid." She leaves it open-ended, as if I'm stupid for so many
things.

"I'll
miss you, too. See you in time for Summer Session, okay?" Millie nods and steps away
from the car. We are supposed to take a class on feminism together this summer.
I begged her to take it with me, which means if I'm not back with my butt in a
chair in twenty-two days, Millie will kill me.

"You
better. Otherwise I'll turn into a feminazi and you'll be my bitch." She winks
at me in a distinctly southern way, which takes the bite out of her words.

It
makes me laugh. "I will. I'll call you once I get going."

"Fine,
but don't text me while you're driving seventy-five miles per hour. I don't
want to tell everyone in my eulogy that you act really stupid sometimes. And,
Sidney…"

I
resist the urge to roll my eyes. "Yeah?"

"No
matter what's happening with you, I'll always have your back. You know that,
right?"

Aw crap
. Millie gives me big, fat doe eyes. Between my hands, my mood, and the rumors
about Peter, she knows something's going on. "Fine," I grumble. "Get in, but if
you ask to pee every five seconds, I'll leave you on the side of the road."
Millie squees and bounces into the seat. "Don't you need clothes?"

"Psh."
She waves a hand at me and grins. "They're already in your suitcase. You
seriously think that I'd make you do this by yourself? Get real." Millie pulls
her seat belt across her lap as she scolds me.

"Nice
nineties verbiage."

"Suck
it."

We
both start laughing as I pull away. I'm so emotionally fried and really want to
be alone, but Millie's right—I shouldn't try to do this on my own. Maybe it
will help to have her along.

It's
strange—at one time this little town was my refuge, but now it's strangling me.
I want to put distance between me and Peter as fast as possible. My stomach
twists thinking about him. I can't believe he's a Ferro. I can't believe my
life has gotten so messed up so fast. Seeing Dean was bad enough. I can't wait
to hit the interstate and get the hell out of here.

CHAPTER
3

There's
a long strip of nothing between the college and the next town. I'm lost in
thought when Millie finally says, "So are you going to tell me what happened
last night?"

I
glance at her out of the corner of my eye. "I really don't want to talk about
it."

"Okay,
then tell me something else. What's up with you and Professor Hottie? I mean,
I'd wanna get with that—"

"Oh
my God!" I roll my eyes. I can't help it. Clutching the wheel tighter, I think
fast. Maybe I should just tell her. That's better than talking about Peter.
Damn him. I still can't believe he lied to me. I let out a huff of air. "Fine. Last
night my ex-asshole-boyfriend showed up and tried to drag me away. I fell and
the pavement didn't agree with my palms, okay?"

Her
jaw is hanging open. "Fuck, no! Not okay. What boyfriend? Why'd he drag you
across the parking lot?" She spews a ton of other questions at me until I cut
her off.

"Dean.
We dated back in high school.
Dated
is the wrong word." I swallow hard.
My throat is so tight. Memories come rushing back, and it's all I can do to
force them down and control my voice. "He raped me. I don't want to talk about
it, but I thought you should know." Odds are Dean and Sam are following the
same route out of Texas, unless they took a farm road, which is doubtful.

Millie's
jaw is hanging open. Slowly, she closes it as her eyes get glassy, and she
presses her palms into my arm. "Sidney, I had no idea…"

If
she cries, I'll cry. I snap at her without meaning to. "Don't apologize. I hate
it when people apologize. It doesn't change anything. That's why I never talk
about it, okay?" She looks as if I slapped her with a board, sitting rigid in
the seat, bobbing her head in a yes motion.

"I'm
sorry, Millie. I just don't know what to do. Dean was everything. I thought he
loved me. I don't know what happened. One minute things were fine, and then
they weren't. It sounds stupid, but I wasn't even sure if it happened. Not
until a few times later.

"When
Dean found me last night, he was here with my brother. I told my family back
before I came here, but they didn't believe me." I wonder if she believes me.
It makes my jaw clamp shut and my words stop. I can't spill my guts to people
who don't have faith in me. I can't trust them at all. Not after everything
that happened. It feels like there's a sack of sand on my chest. I can barely breathe.

She
gives me a sad smile and looks out the window. "I kind of know what you mean.
It's not the same thing, but I dated a guy when I first got here. He wanted too
much, too fast. I didn't want to keep going, but he wouldn't let me stop." She
makes a face and I know she's remembering it.

"Uh,
Millie. That is the same thing, unless you didn't tell him no."

"I
told him no." She's quiet again.

I
want to punch something. I can't believe this happened to her. All this time I
thought I was alone. But I don't understand how she flirts and acts like it's
nothing. My reaction makes me shut down and push people away. I want them at a
safe distance. Millie is all smiles and giddy giggles. She acts like nothing
bad ever happened to her. Holy crap, was I wrong. The urge to say
sorry
hits me, but I don't say it because I hate it when people say it to me. "Did
you see him again?"

"No.
He didn't think I was worth the effort."

"What
an asshole. Did you report it?"

She
gives me a weird look. "And say what? I was almost having sex with some guy
when he decided to have sex with me? No, I didn't report it. It was my fault. I
shouldn't have gone out with him in the first place. I led him on."

"Millie,
are you serious? It's not your fault. How is it your fault?"

She
smiles softly and glances at me out of the corner of her eye. "Are you
seriously asking me that question? You know how it feels. Logic doesn't exactly
take over, and it's easier to admit I made a mistake than to…" She shakes her
head and looks out the window.

I'm
quiet for a moment. Everything between Millie and me shifts in a matter of
moments. She understands this in a way no one else does. "I know what you mean,
but it's harder to admit to being overpowered like that. I used to think that
women and men were equal in every way, right up until that started happening.
My mom loves Dean and looked the other way. My whole family did. My brother
thought I was just trying to get attention. This morning Sam seemed to actually
wonder if I'd been telling the truth."

"What
made him do that?"

"Peter.
Peter did it. He has a way of saying things." Peter Ferro, not my beautiful
Peter Granz. Peter Granz doesn't exist.

I
feel Millie's gaze on the side of my face and look over at her. "You've got it
so bad."

"What?"
I squirm in my seat and laugh nervously. "I don't—"

"Deny
it all you want, but you have a serious crush on Professor Peter. Mr.
Swingdance. Mr. Sexybuns." She grins wickedly at me and makes a rude gesture.

"Millie!
I can't believe you just did that!"

Millie
laughs hysterically and leans into the door. "Dude, you realize that you have
no gas, right?"

"I
was going to get some when we got to Dallas."

"Well,
I'm not pushing the car when we run out of gas. You better stop at the next
exit. Besides, I want a snack. I'm starving. I skipped lunch to keep my lunatic
roommate from driving cross-country by herself. She's so crazy. You have no
idea."

"And
you need to pee."

"And
I might need to powder my nose. You're so crass, Sidney."

"I
try."

I
shake my head and pull off the interstate. There's not much between the college
and Dallas except flat, dead land and scattered cattle. Mesquite trees jut up
from the dry ground periodically with their branches looking like withered
fingers. There aren't many places to stop, and my tank isn't full, so I decide
Millie's right and pull off. Pushing the car in hundred-degree heat would suck.

We
roll to a stop in front of a gas station that's a million years old. The pumps
don't have credit card readers, so I have to go inside. "So much for pay at the
pump," I mutter, and follow Millie toward the door.

She
skips ahead of me and makes a beeline for the bathroom. The inside of the gas
station is supposed to be rustic, but it just feels dirty to me. There are
shelves of food and soda machines. An old clerk with a handlebar mustache is
sitting behind the cash register. He doesn't seem to blink. I wonder whether
he's sleeping with his eyes open.

When
I step toward the counter and lift my gaze, I look around quickly. There's a
woman buying bread, and behind her, a row over, there is one other person in
the store. Our eyes lock and we see each other at the same time. My heart
pounds harder and faster as my stomach goes into a free fall.

In
that moment, everything changes.

CHAPTER
4

Those
green eyes used to haunt me every time I went to sleep. I feel my body stiffen.
It remembers what Dean did to me with the slightest provocation. Dean flashes
that smile at me, the one that's all swagger and charm. He walks around the
aisle and comes toward me. I'm frozen in place. It's like last night all over
again. The shock of seeing him when I'd never expect to throws me off. No one
ever stops here. It's too close to town, but my brother and Dean wouldn't know
that.

My
pulse increases with each step he takes toward me. My fingers twitch at my
sides as the muscles tense up, ready to fight. But Dean doesn't want a fight,
not in a public place like this. There are too many people around. I doubt Dean
will do anything. The man seems to turn into a monster only at night, although
I'm sure if he could get me alone now he'd happily pick up where he left off.

Dean
stops in front of me. "Hey, baby." He looks so goddamn normal. There's nothing
plastered across his face that says otherwise. I wish there had been. I wish
I'd known.

People
can be two-faced like that. An image of Peter flashes behind my eyes. Screw
them. I don't need anyone.

I
come back to myself. Anger frees me, and the fear trickles away. "Don't baby
me, and if you come a step closer—"

Dean
gives me a lopsided grin and steps closer. "You'll what, Sidney? Come on. We
both know you don't have it in you." He's a breath away from me. Dean slips his
hand on my waist and leans in closer, whispering in my ear, "Just wait until we
get home and I get you alone. I've learned some new tricks while you were
away." When he backs off, I'm frozen in place. My body is covered in a sheet of
icy sweat, while my breath hitches in my throat.

Millie
saves me. She bounces up behind me with a bag of Doritos in one hand and a
giant can of tea in the other. "Stop picking up hot guys at the gas station. I
already told you that they don't like riding in the trunk." She glances up at
Dean and holds his gaze as she says to me, "The shovel will smack him in the
head every time you hit a bump."

I
nod like she makes sense. Millie takes my arm and continues to talk, but that
look in Dean's eye freaks me out. I'm barely breathing while we wait in line to
pay for the goodies in Millie's hands. She leans in close to me and laughs,
like I said something funny. She's nervous. Her voice is too strained. It's
like she figured out what happened without me saying a word. "That's him, isn't
it? The guy from last night? Your ex?" I nod and smile at her. At least I try
to smile. My face feels like I'm wearing a week-old mask that's turned to
plastic. Millie laughs again and leans into me. "Let's pay for this and get the
hell out of here."