Damaged Hearts (5 page)

~VIII~

Kat watched, breathing a sigh of relief as James latched the gate behind the last of the returning herd.  Well, now the easy part was done and she had the talk to dread.  She knew Rick was going to demand that conversation and figured after all his help; he was within his rights to do so.  She just wasn’t real sure about the issue of possession that he was having.  She had never had a beau and didn’t know that she wanted one now.  Watching him dismount and walk over to talk to Frank and James, she unashamedly watched the denim stretch across his backside and watched it as bunched and released in places as he walked.  One thing about it, he was definitely a fine specimen of the male species and she wondered what it would be like to be truly possessed by him. 

Continuing with her appraisal his appearance, she took in the way his hat fit down low, almost covering his piercing steel gray eyes.  His dark hair was a little long and in need of a trim but it fit him.  Unconventional but accepted as it was.  He was, to the best of her estimation, a few inches over six foot and powerfully built.  She could easily picture his huge arms wrapped around her as she rested her head on his strong shoulders or broad, muscular chest.  She knew he could make her feel safe, protected, and cherished; what she didn’t know was if she could handle that.  She had been alone with no one to rely on for as long as she could remember, what if she couldn’t hand over the control of the reins?  Would she then lose him totally?

She swung her leg down and got off Dusty, loosening his cinch and walking him for a bit to cool him down before taking him to the water trough.  The horse drank deeply then she took him into the barn.  She removed his saddle and blanket first and grabbed up a handful of hay wiping him down before taking a brush and working him over until his golden coat glistened. 

Then, she unhooked the reins from his halter and hung them on the wall.  With a hand on his halter, she walked him to his stall.  He waited patiently like a faithful old dog for her to open his door before following her in.  She forked out some fresh hay and gave him a double measure of oats as a reward for his hard work.  “So what should I do Dust?” she asked him stroking his neck as he nosed the hay she left for him.  “I know I could love him but I don’t know how anyone could love me.  I’m used goods.”  Dejected and not getting any answers from the horse, she walked from the barn noticing Angel and Matt taking care of Stardust.

Stalling for even more time, she decided she had better go talk to her new hands before she and Rick disappeared for that “talk.”  “Well boys, what do you think?”  She asked as she approached. 

“Miss Kat, I think you have a real nice set up going for you here.  Mr. Rick was just telling us that you did pretty much all of this yourself.  It’s really amazing for one so young.”  James answered with praise for her accomplishments.

“I a..agree Miss Kat.”  Frank said.  “It’s a real n..n..nice place.  What do you want that w..w..we should do?”

“Well Frank, we put the cattle fairly close to the house so we can keep an eye on them.  We have thirty head total between those two pastures.  Over here, I have all my horses.  GoldDust is the only stallion that resides on the property.  There are a couple of upcoming colts that will need to be gelded and I’ll start on their training before long.  I have about six mares that will be coming into season soon that I’ll need to have brought to GoldDust.  Fourteen mares out in the west paddock have youngsters with them.  Twelve geldings that we use for riding stock are for sale on the northeast side.  Feel free to put your horses with the geldings if they have decent enough manners.”  She allowed. 

“The barn houses GoldDust, StarDust, MoonDust, Dusty Rose, and any of the pregnant mares that are about to foal.”  She explained.  “If there is ever a fire or anything like that you make sure the barn comes first; even before the house.”

“Any questions so far?”  She asked waiting a second before continuing.  “We’ll have dinner in the house.  As long as you work here on the ranch, you will be part of the family.  I don’t believe in hired hands.  You are free to leave at any time.  Other than that, let’s just play it by ear.  You men go ahead and get settled in in the bunkhouse.  I have to check on a litter of pups that we had just before we left.  Belle could probably use some more food too.  Come on up to the house when you’re ready.  We’re going to have to make some plans.”

She went back into the barn to check on Belle and the six pups she had just a few days ago.  The barn was cool and dark.  She felt comfortable surrounded by the familiar scents of hay, earth, and animal.  She approached the stall that Belle always chose when she had a litter and made some noise talking to the dog as she came up so as not to startle her.  Unlatching the door, she slipped inside and closed the door back behind her.  “Whatcha doin mama?”  She stroked the dog’s soft coat and scratched behind her ears.  “I’m going to check out your babies ok?”  She picked them up one at a time examining their markings and tiny features, paying special attention to the little runt.

“Well guys, you are all looking pretty good.  Great job Belle.”  She praised as she pet the dog one more time.  She checked the food and water dishes and grabbed a bucket to fill the later of the two.  After taking care of that, she headed to the house to see about some scraps.  As she started up the walk, a shadow against the house moved and Rick stepped into the light making her catch her breath in appreciation. 

“I finally gave up looking for you Sweetheart.  If I didn’t know better I’d have thought you were avoiding our talk.”  He said only half joking.

“I needed to check on Belle and the pups after I put Dusty away.”  She explained.  “I figured once you were done assigning orders and checking everything out, you’d come find me.  I just wasn’t ready to hurry that along yet.”

Settling his hand possessively on her waist, they walked up to the porch; she waited patiently allowing him to open and hold the door for her.  Going into the living area, she automatically lit the small lamp and went to settle into her favorite chair leaving the larger, more accommodating chair for him.

Ignoring the chair, he bent down to light a fire in the hearth to warm the room.  Staring into the small flames, he debated where he wanted to start and how he could convince her to leave this home she had built to move in with he and his girls.  Finally, after deciding that he couldn’t stall any further, he stood up and wandered towards the chair.  He stopped at hers first, taking her small calloused hand in his larger, stronger one.  Pulling her up and into his arms, he did something he hadn’t planned on.  As he wrapped his arms around her, his lips descended to hers.  Not thinking any further then the thought of how well she fit against him, his mouth took possession of hers and his hands began to roam with a will of their own.  As they settled on her full breasts, she broke the kiss in a panicked protest.  

“Please stop Rick.  I...I’m not ready for this.”  She said shakily.  “And you might not be either once you hear the full story.”

“Kaitlyn honey, there is nothing that you could tell me that would keep me from wanting you or wanting to make love to you.  Nothing.”  Rick stated.  “But you’re right, let’s lay the cards on the table so we can move forward with our relationship and with our life.  I love you Kaitlyn; you know that now and there is nothing that will change that either.”  He pulled her down onto the chair and into his lap.  After settling her against his chest and wrapping his arms around her, he nodded for her to begin.

“I just wish I could be so sure Rick.”  She whispered in a pained voice.  “I guess the best place to start is always at the beginning; just so you know though, this will be very hard so please be patient with me.  I have never told anyone any of this.”  She started.  “Not even my sister.”

“My mother came from a middle class family who wanted more sons and didn’t care for having a daughter; especially one that was not as beautiful as they’d have liked.  Because she wasn’t wanted out east, at fourteen she answered an advertisement for a mail order bride.  Her ticket west came and she never looked back.  A widower from the Texas Territory was in need of a girl to take care of two children, a four year old, and a newborn baby boy.  She agreed to move there and be his wife.  His name was Charles Carson and he was a good man.  He was my father in every way but by blood.”  She took a breath and Rick shifted her in his lap so that they would both be more comfortable

“He left my mother and the two boys at the ranch one day to ride into town for supplies.  He was only gone for five hours but it was long enough to change all of their lives forever.  It was washday and my mother was out hanging the clothes on the line.  Mark was inside with the baby when two men rode up into the yard.  My mother looked worriedly toward the house but knew she wasn’t close enough to run to the boys so stood her ground.  The men dismounted and one of them demanded she get them some water.  She pulled the bucket up from the well and when she turned around with it, they both took long drinks before throwing the ladle and bucket to the ground so hard it broke the bucket.”  Kat wet her lips and took another deep steadying breath.

“They laughed at her as she bent to pick up the ladle.  Then, the bigger man threw her to the ground and raped her right there outside the house while the other man watched and laughed. 

The four-year-old little boy stayed hidden in the house under the bed but could hear the slaps the man delivered to my mother and the screams she uttered as he molested her.  After he was done, the man picked up the ladle, bent it in half, and threw it at my mother hitting her temple.” 

“They took one look at the small home that my mother, her husband, and the two boys lived in and thankfully decided that it wasn’t worth trashing, looting, or burning to the ground.”  She shuddered as she remembered the story her mother had told her.

“Hell Kaitlyn, you don’t have to go through this.”  Rick tried to stop the remembrance.  “I don’t have to know the entire story to know you have been scarred by this.”

“Rick, you have to let me finish.  I’m not even half way through with the nightmare and you wanted to know.  This involves me too and I want you to know everything before you make any kind of decision about a life with me.”  Kat protested.     

“Ok hun,” Rick agreed.  “But if the memories get too bad, we have to stop.  I don’t want you to be hurt any more by this then you already have.”

“Well, my mother got herself back together; bathed, and tried to clean up her face before going back in to the boys.  She knew Charles would know what happened but she couldn’t help that and she couldn’t leave the boys alone any longer.  Mark was scared and very angry that the man outside had hurt Kate.  She tried repeatedly to explain to him that it wasn’t his fault and that he had done the best job possible by staying inside with baby Charlie.  She finally got him calmed down enough that she could feed the baby and get some dinner going for the rest of them.  After starting the food simmering, she crept outside and finished hanging the now wrinkled laundry on the line to dry.  A few hours later Charles came home with the supplies.”

“He took one look at my mother and knew immediately that something terrible had happened.  He first had to reassure Mark that he had done everything a four year old could do; then he asked mother what had happened.  She fell into his arms and he held her while she cried and told the terrible story of what had happened.”  Kat sighed and snuggled more into Rick’s lap as she took another breath and continued.

“Father told my mother repeatedly that it was not her fault but she sank into a terrible depression.  A month later she realized that something more had come of the rape; she was pregnant.  Charles was very sympathetic but she was devastated.  She had hoped to give Charles a child but not like this.  He told her that it didn’t matter, that they would raise the child as if it were his but it mattered to my mother.  Another eight months went by and I came into the world.  My mother wanted to send me away, not wanting a reminder of her painful, humiliating ordeal.  My father on the other hand was elated.  He had two boys and they now had a little girl.”  Kat breathed deep.  “It was my father that named me, Rick.  My mother didn’t want me but my father named me after her.” 

“Well, life was hard but I was every bit a Daddy’s Girl.  He taught me to ride, rope, cut cattle and to train horses.  He also taught me things like experimenting with breeding lines, and how to guess the traits from breeding one animal to another.  My brothers were great fun at the time and Mark wouldn’t let me out of his sight.  When I was almost ten, my mother had another child, Angel.” 

“Mother never really recovered from that child birth and so three years later we all moved here to Franklin hoping that the mild weather would help her.”  Kat sighed. 

“The second week they lived here, mother was outside in the barn milking when a man rode up to speak with Father.  She knew the voice and stayed hidden in the barn.  After the man left,