Damned (36 page)

“You have to learn to be strong little girl. That’s where I come in. What would you do right now if Jax walked in this room?”

“He’s dead, that’s a sick thing to say.”

“Answer the question anyway.”

“I would crumble.”

He snorts. “My point.”

“What do you propose I should do?” I snap, crossing my arms.

“If he was to walk in right now, you wouldn’t crumble. You would be the strong wall, the back bone; you wouldn’t be this weak little girl you are.”

“You want me to become you?”

“It works, doesn’t it?”

I shrug avoiding his gaze. “I don’t have it in me.”

“Everybody has it in them.”

“You’re right you know…” I whisper. “I am weak.”

He slaps my arm, hard. “Self-pity, snap out of it. Lift your head, say it in a way that means you will change it. I AM WEAK!” He roars.

“I AM WEAK!” I yell.

“BUT I AM GOING TO CHANGE IT!”

“I AM GOING TO CHANGE IT!” I cry, loudly. Then fall back laughing.

“See how that changed the way you feel? Instead of wallowing, you felt it and accepted it. Now you’re over it, not sulking and telling me to get out of the room.”

I smile. “You might be useful for something after all.”

CHAPTER 21

I train with Poseidon for three weeks, managing to pick up some impressive skills in many areas. Not only do I learn how to control my healing gift, I also learn how to become a stronger person, in every way. We are sitting at dinner one night after a massive training session, drinking and chatting. Poseidon leans to me after a small phone call and grins.

“I am giving you a little gift. Let’s see how much you have learnt.”

“What are you talking about? What gift?”

“It’s coming love.”

“What are you talking about?”

He winks at me, then glances at the door. “And in three, two, one…” He waves his hand and the door swings open.

I turn to face the door, only to see Rusty and the crew walking in. I gasp, and my hands fly up to my mouth, don’t cry Jade, don’t cry.

“Strong,” Poseidon whispers in my ear. “It’s not over yet.”

Rusty sees me and his face melts into a mass of emotions, then he steps aside and…oh god no. No, it’s a dream. It is not real. He is dead, dead. Jax stands in the middle of the group, his eyes blazing into mine. It is a dream; god did Poseidon drug me?

“W-w-w-what?”

“I knew he was not dead, I helped the men locate and save him. My gift to you.”

I stand; a choking sound comes from my throat as I step around the table and begin my slow, slow descent towards Jax. He looks different. Hurt even. He is still as strong and muscular as always, but there is something about his eyes…god what has happened to him? He is looking at me, but his gaze is lifeless, like he is no more than a shell with no soul. I feel the tears roaring down my cheeks; my walk seems slow, like in the movies. I can’t hear anything else around me, can’t see anything but him.

As I near closer, I see his face is bruised, and battered. He has been beaten badly but has begun to heal so the marks are not heavy, but it does not take a genius to see they were bad. Oh god Jax, my Jax. What has happened to you? I finally stand before him, my sobs croaking from my throat. I reach out, my fingers graze over his cheek; he grasps me then pulling me so hard into his arms, I slam against his chest. He yelps and hugs me tightly. It all comes out then, the emotions of two long, horrible years. I scream and grasp at him; his hands tangle in my hair, and he desperately tries to get me closer.

“Oh, Jade.”

“Jax. You. Dead.” I stammer, shaking.

“No.”

I pull back from him, and his eyes are as blurred as mine are, I remember something then and freeze. Lilly…he does not know about Lilly. Oh shit, how do I tell him?

“Jax…there is something I have to tell you right away, before anything else.” I say in a choked voice.

His sad sad eyes meet mine, and he nods weakly. “You’re married?”

“No,” I whisper. “I haven’t. Since you.”

“Then what?”

“Well…after you left…I knew something was wrong. When Jack delivered the news of your…of your…” I choke up, and he strokes my cheek, gently encouraging me on “of your death, I fell into a bad place but I seemed to be putting on weight even though I was not eating. Nine months later…Jax…you have a child.”

He reefs his hand from my cheek and takes two steps back, his eyes wide and alarmed. “What?”

“She is nearly two.”

“Fucking no, no.” He roars, tangling his hands through his hair and backing out of the room. Ok, I knew he would be shocked but this? He turns and hurries out, leaving me standing dumbfounded and gaping.

“Oh love, love,” Rusty says, stepping forward and pulling me into his arms. “He will be ok, give him time.”

“Rusty…where was he?”

Rusty’s face pales. “On Bill’s ship. He was nearly dead; he had been beaten and tortured for nearly two years. Jade he is fucked up. Really, really fucked up.”

For Rusty to say those words, I know it is serious.

“I am going after him.”

I grasp my coat and rush out the door, getting hold of my car keys. I search for hours and hours, but I can’t find Jax, before giving up, I decide to check the one place I had hoped he did not go. The strip club. He is there, blind drunk, slunk back into a far booth alone. I walk over, knowing I have to be very gentle about how I approach this. He looks up at me and sways in his seat.

“Jade…you fucking…you fucking…had a kid.”

“Yeah, come on let’s get you home and we will talk ok?” Strong Jade; be strong. Be strong.

“I…I…” He puts his head in his hands.

My heart tears and I hold back my tears. “Come on sweetie,
let’s
go.”

I take hold of his hand; he doesn’t fight me. He stands and falls into me; it takes two big steps to get my footing and I wrap his arm over my shoulders and hold onto his waist.

“Come on,
let’s
go.”

I lead him to the car; he stumbles at least eight times and throws up three. By the time we get into the car he is passed out cold, it takes a lot of effort to pull on his seatbelt and keep his head from slamming into the window. I get into the front seat and glance over at him, god my beautiful pirate. I stroke his hair and glance down at his shirt. Slowly, I lift the hem with my fingers and gasp. Across his abdomen are scars, so many it is hard to tell where they end and begin. Oh god, what did they do to him? I begin driving, my body trembling every few minutes. When I get home, I call Jack who helps me get Jax from the car to my room. We lay him in the bed and he groans, rolling over. Jack touches my shoulder and turns me towards him.

“You have sick on you love, go and shower.”

“Thank you Jack.”

“It’s not going to be easy Jade…he is messed up.”

“I love him Jack, I will not leave him now. He needs me.”

He strokes my cheek, painfully. “You’re a good girl Jade, call me if you need any more help.”

“Ok.” I whisper.

I follow Jack out and drop into Lilly’s room. She is tucked in her bed, her little face peaceful. I stroke her curls, pressing a kiss to her soft little cheek.

“He will come around baby girl, I promise.”

I slowly close her door as I leave, then slip back into my own room. Jax is still passed out on the bed; I sit next to him, watching him for the longest time. I glance over at the clock after an hour or so of curling up beside his silent body and decide it is best to go and get clean. I slip into the bathroom, filling the tub with hot soapy suds. I slide out of my clothes and glance at myself in the mirror, around my neck is the necklace he gave me all those years ago. Emotions hit me then, hard.

I sink into the tub, tears roaring down my cheeks as I sob heavily. God the pain for him, for me and for Lilly. I shake, my shoulders trembling with each rack of sobs that over take me. I grip my fingers through my hair, screaming between my teeth. God Dammit, it is so hard. I missed him, thought he was dead, and it was not real…and his pain, god his pain. All this time he was alive, and I could have saved him. Oh god. I look up and yelp. Jax is standing at the door, just staring at me.

I swipe at my eyes and suck in a ragged breath. “Sorry, I was just…washing and…”

He tilts his head, his green eyes so pained. He steps forward and slides off his shirt. I gasp loudly at the damage to his chest. I feel my breathing deepen until I am panting.

“Don’t…” He says, in a choked voice.

I put a clamp down on my reaction, and watch him continue to undress. It is then I notice the piercings. He has them in his nipples and his, oh. My eyes widen, and he glances down, then sighs.

“I did that…it helped.”

I nod, confused but choose not to push it. He slides into the bath behind me, pulling my body against his. Our legs entwine and my head falls back into his shoulder. He traces the tears from my eyes, wiping them gently away. He leans his head down, so his cheek rests against mine, and he wraps his arms tightly around me. Neither of us dare to make a move, dare to take anything further. What we both need more than anything, is comfort.

“I know…I know you’re curious so I will tell you, but I will only say it once Jade…” He croaks.

“Jax, no. You don’t have to tell me anything; I don’t want you to hurt anymore.”

He makes an odd noise but begins talking anyway. “He shot me, I didn’t see it coming and I remember falling over the side of the ship. They had it planned so well, the position. The crew yanked me up from the other side, making my crew think I was dead. They took me to the cells and…kept me there for two years. They…”

“No, it’s ok Jax. Honey don’t…”

“They tortured me, every day, for hours. Stabbing me, cutting me, burning me…”

I feel tears pour down my cheeks, but I say nothing, I just let him go on.

“They took the curse from me and took it apon themselves. Then they started attacking me, slashing me and biting me. I wanted to kill myself Jade, so many times, but I couldn’t. They made sure I could never get hold of anything. He was planning to kill me eventually but…well my crew showed up. That god you know, led them to me, and they killed Bill. I was with them for three weeks when they told me where you were…”

“Oh Jax…I didn’t know. I would have found you, saved you, I didn’t know. It’s all my fault. Oh god.”

He spins me towards him, his eyes hard. “Never say that.”

“I let you go because I was all fucked up. I should have gone with you or made you stay. When Jack came to me, and said…you were dead. Oh god, I can’t…oh god.”

“You saved me Jade, thinking of your face every day was the only way I managed. Knowing you were alive, knowing one day…I would see you again.”

I hiccup, and the tears flow heavier. “I’m so sorry Jax.”

He crushes me to his chest, but when I move my hands up to touch him, he shoves me back. “Don’t touch me.”

I feel my lip quiver; his eyes are hard, afraid. I nod weakly and then stand up, getting out of the bath.

“Jade…”

“It’s ok.” I whisper, in a devastated voice.

Will we ever be the same? Has this killed my Jax? I dry myself and then slide into the bed, curling my legs to my chest. I feel Jax slide in beside me, wrapping his arms around me and pulling my back to his chest. Moments later, we are both asleep.  I wake suddenly an hour or so later, feeling a body over mine. Hands grasp my shoulders, slamming me down into the bed as my legs are forced apart. Jax is ranting; I can’t understand what he is saying as he shoves his body over mine. I scream and shove at him, but I can’t budge him.

“Jax,” I cry. “Wake up.”

“Need to fuck.” He roars as he slams inside me. I scream; two years of being alone and he has not built me up. It hurts.

“JAX!” I scream, shoving him once more.

Finally, he stops and shakes his head. He glances down at me, and his eyes widen.

“Oh shit. Mate. I didn’t…”

“It’s ok, no, it’s ok.” I soothe.

“Oh fuck. Mate…I didn’t…two years they taunted me, making women suck me, rub themselves on me until I wanted to come and then…they would hurt me so badly I couldn’t focus. Two fucking years, I never came…oh Jade…. I am sorry.”

Oh god. I feel my heart clench for him, poor Jax. How can I blame him for this, his body is needy, desperate and now he is with me…it is just happening how it used to. I take his cheek in my hand.

“I don’t want you to stop.”

He shoots me a look. “Jade…”

“No, please. I want to feel you. I was frightened; that is all. Jax please…I need you.”

He sit
s up, taking me with him so I am sitting on his lap. “Jade…I will come…fast.”

“I don’t mind, I just want you. Don’t stop Jax.”

I rock my hips and he groans; his fingers dig into my hips as he slowly circles them around and around. A knock on the door shocks me, Jax doesn’t stop. In fact, he doesn’t even pause.