Damned (32 page)

“You want to work it out with her?” I shriek. “After her betrayal?”

“I have issues to resolve with her, I didn’t say we would get back together.”

I feel tears well in my eyes. “Well, if you want to fuck her, you can get stuffed if you think you can fuck me too!”

He clenches his eyes shut and mutters a few curses. “Jade, I didn’t say I was going to do anything with her.”

“Do you love her Jax?”

“Jade enough.”

“Answer me.” I croak.

“I don’t know how the fuck I feel about her, but this shit is not helping.” He roars, storming out of the room.

Sam heard the argument and gently wa
lks in. I am trembling. She sit
s beside me and takes my hand.

“Love, a word of advice? If you love him, don’t push him away. Jax is a man who doesn’t play games, how do you suppose it is going to look when Bella is all over him, and you are sour with him? If you want him, fight for him. Make him see what you are about, what you are worth fighting for. Just my opinion.”

I groan because she is right and I know it. After he saved my life, I abuse the poor man. God, I am so immature sometimes.

“Thanks Sam, I am just…emotional right now.”

“He will be fine.”

“I hope so. Do you think he cares for Bella?”

“Love she was in his life a long time, so yes, I do think he cares for her. I also think he cares for you a heck of a lot more.”

“Thanks.” I croak.

“Lay down, please. You need the rest.”

I do as she asks and lay down; I fall into a deep sleep almost immediately. I see his face over me as he drives himself in and out; I am screaming, but I cant wake up. God help me, make him stop, please. I twist and turn, writhing and begging. It hurts; he is too harsh and it hurts. He is tearing my insides; his breath smells of rum. Please, help! God make him go away!

“Jade, wake up. Baby girl.”

Jax? What? Where?

“Baby, wake up.”

I bolt upright with a scream; I blink rapidly. Jax, I am back with Jax. Its ok. It's all ok.

“Make…make it go away.” I sob.

Jax crushes me to his chest. “Shhh, its ok. Your safe. I got you.”

“Make him stop, god, make him stop.” I am babbling.

“He is gone, hey, he is gone.”

Jax rocks me backwards and forwards until my mind clears from its foggy haze. I pull back and blink up at him through wet, heavy lashes.

“I’m sorry Jax.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it.”

“I know you care about me. I love you. I am sorry.”

“Its done. Finished.”

“H-h-how long have I been out?”

“About four hours, I heard you screaming from the dining room.”

“Oh.”

“What were you dreaming about?”

My lips quiver. “I don’t…I don’t…”

“Hey, its ok. You don’t have to say.”

“It was awful Jax, so awful.”

“I know baby, come on, have a shower.”

I look down at my sweat soaked clothes. Geez. Jax helps me into the shower and helps me remove my clothes. I step in and pull his arm, silently begging for him to come in too. He does. We stand in the shower holding each other, god how much I need this man. I lean up and kiss him, but when the kiss becomes heavier, my world spins. I start to pant and shove Jax away. He lets me go instantly and steps back. The look in his eyes is tortured.

“No,” He whispers. “Please.”

I swallow. “I…I…”

“He fucked you, didn’t he?”

Tears stream down my face as I nod weakly.

“Did you…want it?” His voice is hoarse.

I slap him, so hard he takes two steps back.

“How dare you? He fucking raped me Jax, knocked me out and raped me. How could you think…”

Jax reefs me into his arms. “Sorry, god, sorry. Its just Bella…I thought…”

“I love you Jax, I would never do that to you.  Never.” I sob.

“I know baby, shhh.”

He helps me out of the shower and dries me slowly. I cling to him, desperate for comfort, desperate for love. We dress and then stand in awkward silence.

“I have to go and sort a few things out, you should sleep some more.”

“I don’t want to,” I whisper. “Can I go see Jack?”

Jax tenses a little but doesn’t argue. “Sure.”

He takes my hand and leads me to Jacks room, when Jack opens the door and sees me, he instantly pulls me towards him.

“She wanted to see you Jack, I have things to do. Yell out…if she needs anything.” Jax says in a monotone voice. Is he angry?

“Aye Cap, I got her.”

Jax turns and walks away angrily. I turn to Jack.

“He is angry isnt he?”

Jack sighs and pulls me into his arms. “It doesn’t matter now, he will get over it.”

“There are issues with him and Bella, I am worried.”

“I don’t know what is happening there angel, I wish I could give you information.”

“I am just so…emotionally challenged at the moment.”

Jack snorts and holds me tighter. “No, your not. It wouldn’t have been good on that ship.”

I shudder. “Oh Jack, it was awful.”

And so the tears begin, I start sobbing wildly in Jacks arms as he rocks me backwards and forwards whispering soothing words in my ear. A few hours later, after we have talked and he has made me calmer, I go to find Jax. I feel so guilty about everything; I just want him to know I care. I walk into the dining room, and my world stops. On the dance floor, I can see Jax and Bella. Her hands are on his chest, his arms around her waist and they are dancing. Holy shit.

“Oh my god.” I yell, and Jax drops his hands instantly.

“Jade, its not…”

“How could you? Fuck you Jax. If you wanted her, you could have at least had the nerve to tell me. The decency to give me a chance to leave first. You know I love you. What, you think you can keep me around and throw me a few scraps of yourself here and there? Go to hell.”

“JADE!”

I turn and begin running out the door; he grips my arms and spins me around. The entire crew is watching, so is Bella, with a huge grin on her face. Jax grips my shoulders and shakes me harshly.

“Enough!”

“Enough? Enough? What were you doing Jax, how could you do that to me after…”

“You were in there with him, you wanted him.”

Oh. My. God. I slap him. He growls and his hand flings up to his cheek.

“I wanted to see Jack because you had better things to do. God Dammit you selfish man. You know what? I am done here. Go back to your wife, you belong together.”

“God this is all just too fucking much.” He snaps.

“Just admit it Jax, admit she is easier than me.”

“Maybe she is! Maybe it is easier to want her, all you do is fuck around and constantly question me.”

I feel like he has slapped me. Hot tears course down my cheeks.

“Well if that’s how you truly feel.” I whisper.

“What do you want from me?” He roars. “What the fuck do you want? I cant win no matter what I do.”

“What I want, what I have always wanted is your honesty Jax, and you couldn’t give it. You cant give it. If you didn’t want this, you should have said so. If you wanted her, you should have said so. All I ever wanted was for you to pull your god damned heart out of its cage and be fucking honest with me.”

I screamed it so loudly; he took two steps back. I turn and begin running out.

“You want my honesty? Here, it is. I love you, do you hear me? I am in love with you; you god damned stubborn woman!”

I freeze; what?

“I love you Jade. I have never loved anybody in my entire fucking life. I run because I am scared, because you are too damned good for me.”

Slowly I turn; the whole room has fallen silent. “W-w-what?”

“I fell in love with you the day you stumbled into my bar Jade, and I have loved you ever since. I have never stopped. I have unresolved issues with my wife, and I wont lie and say there is no emotion involved but my heart, my soul…it belongs to you.”

My lip quivers and tears roar down my face. “You…you…love me?”

“So much it fucking hurts.”

I bound towards him and leap into his arms. My legs wrap around his waist, and he stumbles backwards a few steps. He kisses the tears from my cheeks, and our lips lock in a passionate kiss. Bella yelps from behind us and Jax turns, slowly releasing me.

“Bella, I am sorry but my heart…”

“You cant just do this Jax!” She weeps.

“I don’t love you, you deserve someone who does.”

“You care Jax, you said so.”

“I do care about you, and we can talk…”

I touch Jax’s arm, and he turns to look at me. “Can we talk a little?”

“About?”

“I think…she is right. I want to go back to shore for a few months Jax.”

He tenses and I feel him flinch. “You are leaving me?”

“No, I am not. I just want you to remain behind and sort out this issue with Bella. I need…” I swallow deeply. “I need recovery time. Please.”

He looks pained but nods. “Anything you want, I will give.”

“I cant be on here…on this ship right now. You have issues that really need to be dealt with, and I cant be around to watch them unfold.”

“I want you Jade, that wont change.”

“I believe you.” I whisper.

He strokes my cheek. “You do?”

“Yeah.”

He turns back to Bella. “I will go over everything with you Bella, in due time. For now, I am going to spend time with my girl.”

Tears pour down her cheeks, and I do feel a little bad. “I thought…you loved me Jax.”

“You betrayed me Bella, you broke my heart, it is too hard to come back from.”

“But…”

“Not now.”

He takes my hand and turns, leading me from the room. I look back to see Bellas distraught face once more, poor girl, I honestly do know how much it hurts. Jax takes me to his room and locks the door.

“Where do you want to go?”

I shrug weakly. “I just need time. I…Jax I saw so much on that ship.”

“You wanna tell me about it?”

I swallow and look down. “I know you ran with Bill, he showed me photos.”

“Fuck.”

“Why Jax? Why did you do it?”

He sighs and runs his hands through his hair. “I was angry. My mother had left; my father was always busy. I thought it was the life I wanted, until I grew some sense. Running with Bill opened my eyes and I realized my father was so much better. I went back; my father beat the shit out of me for a full week and when he died, he left the ship to me.”

“Bella said…”

“What?” He snaps.

“She said you killed…”

“Fuck,” He hisses cutting me off. “She wasn’t pregnant Jade, it was a lie. It was part of the reason I left. I did beat her; she pushed me when I was turned and kept fighting me. I beat her so badly. I hate myself for that. She ran, and you know the rest. I know for a fact; there was no baby.”

“Oh.”

“Look, Bella and I had a sketchy past. You have to let it go. I have made my choice.”

“What if…what if when I am gone, you work it out with her?”

He sits beside me. “No, you are the only one I want. I don’t trust her Jade.”

I nod weakly. “Bill…made me watch…made…”

“Hey, take your time.” Jax soothes.

“He made me watch his crew kill some men in…oh god…”

“Shhh, come here.”

Jax pulls me to his chest and strokes my hair. “I know what you must have seen baby girl, I am sorry.”

“I just need to be away for a while, to gather myself. Is that ok with you?”

“I don’t want you gone Jade, but I am not going to stop you.”

“I don’t have anywhere to go.”

“Yeah, you do. I will send you to my sister.”

“Your sister?”

“She is great Jade, she is a gentle woman and will take care of you.”

I nod weakly. “I will miss you pirate.”

He grins. “You too darlin. I will come back for you in a few months; I promise.”

“Please do.”

“I am going to ring Carol and organize it ok, lay down.”

I lay down on the couch and listen as he rings his sister.

“Hey Carol, its Jax.”

I can hear her sobbing  in the background.

“Yeah, I am sorry. I missed you too.”

Silence.

“Listen, I want to know if I can drop someone off to you for a few months. I will pay for it all, but she got taken by Bill and…”

Silence.

“Yeah, it was terrible. She just needs time away. She is special to me mate; I love her.”