Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships (21 page)

Billy was stuck in the
underfunctioning
position in the family. He had already acquired the label “problem child” at home and in school and he was the overriding focus of parental worry and concern.

Last but not least, Mr. and Ms. Kesler were stuck in repetitive cycles of fighting over how to parent, in which Mr. Kesler stood for “law and order” and Ms. Kesler for “love and understanding.” The emotional intensity of these fights deflected and obscured other important issues in their marriage and their personal lives.

Ms. Kesler also noted that her participation in the old pattern was not effective: Whenever she tried to come to Billy’s defense, her husband perceived her as siding with Billy and turned his criticisms against her. Ms. Kesler was now ready to think about her options for moving differently.

First, she went to her husband and apologized to him for interfering in his relationship with Billy. She admitted that she might have made things worse by thinking that she had any answers or advice for either of them about their relationship. She empathized with her husband’s worry about Billy and praised his involvement as a father and his efforts to help his son grow up to be a responsible person. She expressed confidence that he and Billy could work out whatever problems they had.

To her son, she said, “Billy, I realize that I’ve been getting exhausted by rushing in and playing the role of the American Red Cross when you and your dad argue. You’re a smart kid and you know what gets your dad’s goat. I am sure that you and your dad will be able to work things out together, and from now on you’re on your own.”

Next, Ms. Kesler did her best to
stay calm
and
stay out
when the countermoves came rolling in. Predictably, the other family members made some attempt to up the ante and reinstate the old triangle. Father took off his belt to Billy, whereas previously he had gone after his son only with harsh words. Billy ran to his mother, tearfully complaining about his father’s cruelty. Even Billy’s younger siblings got into the act. (“Mom, Dad’s going after Billy again!”) A typical “test” from Billy would go something like this:

Although Billy tried to draw his mother back in the middle, he was enormously reassured by her new position. In a way, Billy was unconsciously testing out whether he truly had his mother’s “permission” to have a separate relationship with his dad, or whether his mother needed him to be loyal to her, with the two of them subtly in alliance against a father labeled “unfair” or “incompetent.” Through her new behavior, Ms. Kesler was letting Billy know that she did not need to keep up the old triangle, in which father would be on the outside. Billy could work things out with his dad without having to worry so much about his mom.

Maintaining her new position was anything but easy. “I get terribly tense when John and Billy go at it,” Ms. Kesler explained to me. “When I hear John go on and on, I start feeling upset and ready to blow. Sometimes I go to the bathroom just to get away or leave the house to take a walk.” Ms. Kesler was able to take this distance when she needed it, without criticizing her husband. In a calm, nonblaming manner she explained to him, “When you and Billy start getting riled up, I sometimes react by getting uncomfortable and upset. I’m not sure what my reaction is about, but when I start to feel this way, I may leave the room or take a walk because that helps.” She made it clear to her husband that she took responsibility for her own feelings and reactions and she was not blaming him for “causing” her discomfort. Throughout the process, Ms. Kesler conveyed confidence that her husband and son could take care of their own relationship without her help.

But what if Ms. Kesler believes that her husband might physically abuse their son? Obviously, she will need to take a firm position against violence and protect Billy as best she can, even if this means calling the police. However, violence will be least likely to occur if she can do this without reinstating the old triangle, because
triangles greatly increase the probability of escalating aggression.
For example, she might say to her husband (ideally, at a relatively calm moment): “I need to tell you that I have a real fear that things between you and Billy will heat up to the point where he gets injured. I know that I can’t solve anything between the two of you, but I can’t live with violence. If that happens, I will do whatever is necessary to separate the two of you.” To Billy, she might say pretty much the same thing: “I know that in the long run you and your dad have to work out your own problems. But, as I told Dad yesterday, I will step in if I get worried that things are getting so heated up that someone might get hurt.” Taking a responsible position with each party need
not
mean falling back into the old pattern.

What happened in the Kesler family as a consequence of Ms. Kesler’s getting out of the triangle? Mr. Kesler became less reactive to Billy’s problems and provocations. He moved in less quickly and intensely. Billy, in turn, began to take more responsibility for his own behavior and his school problems all but disappeared. The relationship between father and son was greatly improved. Does this sound like the Kesler family lived happily ever after?

Not exactly. First mother and Billy started to have open conflict in
their
relationship. Further, marital issues concerning closeness and distance surfaced between husband and wife. Mr. Kesler became depressed and called me for an appointment despite his disapproval of psychotherapy.

Why did this happen? Triangles serve to keep anxiety-arousing issues underground, and that is why we all participate in them. When a triangle is disrupted and we begin to have a person-to-person relationship with each family member, without a third party interfering, hidden issues surface. This is emotionally difficult, but it also provides us with an opportunity to stop focusing on others and look more closely at our selves.

A broad approach to the problem will help to shed light on a number of questions: Why was Billy targeted to become a “problem child” in this family, rather than his younger brother or sister? Why did family interactions suddenly heat up when Billy entered third grade? Why was Mr. Kesler so reactive to the issue of “responsibility” in his son? Why was Ms. Kesler so reactive to her husband and son’s fighting? Why did Mr. Kesler become depressed after he and Billy resolved their former conflicts? Most important, what work can Mr. and Ms. Kesler do to best ensure that no one family member will seriously underfunction or become the “problem,” as Billy did?

Let’s take a look at an expanded family diagram of the Kesler family and gather a few more facts. If you are feeling ambitious, you may want to draw a diagram of your own family, including, if you can, at least three generations. The diagram of the Kesler family, on the following page, is incomplete, in order to keep it uncluttered and to highlight certain key points. A complete family diagram would include the dates of births, deaths, serious illnesses, marriages, and divorces and the highest level of formal education for every member of the extended family, for as far back as we can go. An X in a circle or square indicates that the person is dead. Two diagonal lines across a marriage line indicate a divorce.

What does this family diagram tell us? Looking at father’s side of the family, we see that he has a younger sister, Gina, who is married and has two daughters. If we do some simple arithmetic, we learn that Mr. Kesler’s father, Lewis, was a first-born son who died at age thirty-five, when Mr. Kesler was eight years old. Mr. Kesler’s mother, Lorraine, is the younger sister of a sister and did not remarry following her husband’s death.

Looking at mother’s family of origin, we see that she is a middle child. Her older brother, Les, is twice-divorced and her younger brother, Ken, is married and has one daughter. I learned from Ms. Kesler that Les is the “black sheep” in the family. In her words, “Les is an alcoholic who can always be counted on to screw up in business and marriage.” Ms. Kesler’s parents, Martin and Catherine, alternate between distancing emotionally from Les and bailing him out financially. Ms. Kesler is cut off from her brother and sees him only every few years at family gatherings.

Let us first examine father’s side of the family diagram, with an eye toward linking the patterns of the past with those of the present.

Mr. Kesler did not directly mourn his dad or consciously experience the associated feelings of anger, anxiety, and loss as this anniversary date arrived. Instead, as is typical, he focused his emotional energy on a third party—his son—and became very reactive to any sign of trouble in Billy.
It is the intensity of our reactions toward another person’s problem that ensures not only the escalation but also the continuation of the problem itself.
Billy’s lack of cooperativeness increased in direct proportion to father’s emotional reactivity (and mother’s reactivity to father), setting a circular dance in motion.

Why did Mr. Kesler handle his anxiety by becoming focused on a child? This is a common way for mothers to manage emotional intensity and stress—as our social education actually fosters this child focus—but men are not immune from this triangle. Other triangular patterns might also have arisen. Mr. Kesler, for example, might have had an affair or left his wife at the time of this anniversary reaction. He might have distanced from her by becoming increasingly work-focused, which is a typical male pattern of managing anxiety. He himself might have underfunctioned and developed a new physical or emotional problem. He might have constantly found fault with his wife, leaving his children free from his emotional focus. We all handle stress in one or more of the above ways and, ideally, in more than one way. If the
only
way a family handles stress is to focus on a “problem child,” the outcome will be a severely troubled child. If the
only
way a family handles stress is through marital fighting, the outcome will be a severely troubled marriage.