Dancing Naked (7 page)

“I take it you didn’t have the abortion,” he said, his voice gentle.

“No. I was in the treatment room, he was just about to begin, and then ...” Her voice trailed off.

“And then?”

“Oh, God, it was awful.” Kia covered her face with her hands.

Justin waited quietly.

“I suddenly really understood, for the first time,” she said, dropping her hands, “what was going to happen—what I had consented to.”

“You had the counseling session. Weren’t your options explained to you?”

“Yeah, they were, but I guess they didn’t sink in. Or maybe I just didn’t allow myself to think it through.” She struggled to explain it. “I was with Derek and he was so sure about what we had to do that I just went along with it, not ever stopping to think that he might not be right.” Kia recalled her journal entries. “Well, I guess I was thinking about it, but I didn’t do anything about it. It was easier to let someone else make the decision.”

Justin nodded.

“But lying there I realized that I don’t want anything bad to happen to this baby.” She rubbed her face. She was so tired. “Derek’s going to be so ticked.”

“Don’t worry about him.”

“Thanks, Justin.” She smiled at him, her eyes shining. “I don’t know what I would have done without you today.”

“You would have been fine.”

She looked away. “Thanks for pretending to be my boyfriend, too.”

“Any time.”

They sat quietly for a minute, listening to the rain.

“In a way,” she continued, “Derek was right. It could have been all over with by now, no one would have found out, and my life wouldn’t be ruined ...”

“Ruined?”

“Yeah, like the doctor said, it would just become a faded memory in time.”

“But now you think you’ve chosen to ruin your life?”

The kettle whistled. Justin got up to make the tea.

“Now I’m going to have a baby.” Kia placed both hands on her stomach and felt the warmth of her palms travel through her shirt and onto her skin. She wondered if the fetus could feel it too. “I’m going to have to tell everyone—my parents, my friends ... everyone. And I’m going to get big and fat, and then I have to go through childbirth.” She turned to Justin. “Maybe I haven’t ruined my life, but it’s going to mess it up for a long time. Oh man,” she sighed. “What have I done?”

Justin put a steaming mug on the table in front of her and returned to his chair.

“But you know,” she said, taking a sip of her tea, “I did the right thing for me. And,” she added, her hands resting on her stomach again, her palms almost hugging it, “I did the right thing for this little guy.”

“Little guy?” Justin asked.

“You know what I mean,” she answered. Then she grinned, thinking of the photos she’d seen during the sexuality classes at Youth Group. “Little Peanut. That’s what I’ll call it. At eight weeks they look almost like a peanut.”

Justin came over and placed one hand on her shoulder and one on her stomach. “Hey, Peanut,” he said. “Pleased to meet you.”

His touch made Kia feel awkward, even though she knew he was trying to set her at ease. The heat from his hand on her skin was an unpleasant reminder of Derek.

“Listen,” she said, finding an excuse to change the subject. “I think it’s finally stopped raining.” The room was quickly becoming brighter. Justin left her side and walked over to the window, pulling back the sheer curtains. “You’re right,” he said. “And the sun is trying to come out. And look who’s here.”

Kia joined him at the window and peered out toward the driveway. “Who?”

Justin went to the kitchen cupboard for a cup and rejoined Kia at the window. “Not outside,” he said. “Here.” He pointed at a hairy black spider walking along the window ledge.

“Oh, gross!” Kia said, stepping back.

“He’s not gross, he’s beautiful.” Justin watched as it scurried away from them. “He’s an old guy to have gotten this big.” With one swift motion he placed the cup over the spider and slid a sheet of paper underneath it. With the spider trapped inside, he slipped out the door, squatted down and gently released it outside. “There you go, old fellow.” He stood up and stretched. “Hey, would you look at that?” he said, standing on the porch.

“What?” Cautiously, Kia came up beside him, fully expecting to see another spider.

“There’s a rainbow. Or half a rainbow, anyway.”

“Cool. I haven’t seen one in ages.”

“Did you know the rainbow is a universal sign of hope?”

Kia nodded. It was fitting. Right now she was feeling more hopeful than she had in weeks.

They were on their second pot of tea when Justin finally asked Kia when she thought she’d break the news to her parents.

“I don’t know,” she answered. “I suppose I could tell them right away, but they might try to get me to reconsider the abortion thing again. If I wait until the fourth month they won’t be as likely to suggest it.”

Justin nodded thoughtfully. “Why don’t you talk to Reverend Petrenko about it? He’s cool, and he might suggest the best way to go about talking to them.

“Yeah, well, he might push abortion too.”

“No, that’s not his style. He doesn’t push his views on anyone. He’ll listen to what you have to say and figure out how to help.”

Kia shrugged. “Okay. If you think it’s important.”

“Yeah, I do. I’ll set up the meeting, if you like.”

“Will you come with me?”

“Count on it.”

“Thanks.” Kia looked away, embarrassed. “Aren’t you afraid he might think you’re the father?”

Justin didn’t respond at first. When she glanced back at him, an odd expression had crossed his face, an expression that Kia couldn’t quite read. “He won’t think that, and besides, I try not to worry about what people think anymore, Kia. And you know,” he added, “it would be a good thing for you to get over too. Especially now.”

Kia sensed he was telling her something more, but she didn’t ask.

“So, are you ready to go home?”

“Yeah, I am. Thanks.” She took her coat from him.

“You know, I’ve managed to get through the last few
weeks without actually lying to my parents about anything. I’ve just avoided the issue of what I’ve been up to. But I sure hope nobody asks me where I was today. I don’t think I’d be able to lie with a straight face.”

“They’ll just assume you were at school, won’t they?”

“Yeah, unless the school phoned to report that I was absent.”

“Well, there was that rainbow. I think you’ll be lucky today.”

“It was only half a rainbow.”

Justin held the door for her. “I’d say you need a little attitude adjustment,” he said as she passed by him. “You’re seeing a half-empty glass where you should be seeing a half-full one.”

Kia smiled. “Funny you should mention attitude,” she said. “My parents are always bringing it up too. They say I have way too much.”

Justin laughed, and the sound of it improved her mood even more than the tea and conversation had. She’d accepted that she was going to have a baby. Now, if only she could get everyone else to accept it.

~ eyelids cover eyes
~ toes and upper lip have formed
~ external ears are complete
~ plum-sized

Jan. 24

We never talked much. It seemed like we didn’t need words. I’d never experienced anything like it before. We were magnets, drawn to each other, an unstoppable force. Just being together was enough.

Or so I thought.

It seems I thought a lot of things ... like our feelings for each other were mutual ...

I remember that day so clearly. It was right before he was leaving to go on holidays with his family. We were alone. I couldn’t bear the thought of being apart. It was a physical pain. He lit some candles and poured us some wine that he’d taken from his parents. We toasted each other, and had a second glass.

That night the soft kisses and gentle stroking just weren’t enough. We undressed each other slowly, and he touched me in that special way he has and I wanted him so badly ...

I knew I should stop before it went too far. But I didn’t. I was no longer in the real world. It was like he had ignited a
fire in me and I couldn’t (wouldn’t?) put it out. What could go wrong when it felt so good?

Only everything.

“So Kia, Justin tells me you’re pregnant.”

Kia glanced at Justin. She nodded. They were in the Reverend’s office at the church.

“And you’re not in a committed relationship?”

“No.” Kia shook her head and looked away. “That’s why I almost had an abortion, but I couldn’t go through with it.”

The Reverend had to lean forward to hear her. “No? Why couldn’t you do it?”

She shrugged. “I guess I was trying to believe it was the only option for me, but at the last minute I didn’t want to do it.” She placed a hand on her stomach. “I’d already connected with my baby.”

Reverend Petrenko nodded and studied her. “That was a brave decision. It’s not easy being a pregnant teen in our society.”

“You’re telling me,” Kia replied. She shifted uncomfortably in her chair.

“Character-building stuff,” Justin said, putting his arm over the back of her chair. “I know she can handle it,” he added, smiling down at her.

“Society is so hypocritical, isn’t it?” The Reverend sat back in his chair, his hands clasped behind his head. “Sexual references are everywhere,” he mused. “You can’t walk by a newsstand or even watch prime-time TV without being inundated with them. Yet we still
expect teens to choose abstinence.” He shook his head and scratched his neat black beard thoughtfully. “Our own Sex Education course encourages abstinence,” he continued, “but also teaches that sexuality is a wonderful human experience. How can we expect teens to choose to abstain when these powerful messages are everywhere, yet when a girl gets pregnant ...”

The unfinished sentence hung in the air. Kia wondered if he’d said more than he’d meant to.

“Anyway,” he said, leaning forward again, “you are pregnant, you’ve considered your options, and you’ve chosen to have the baby. Where do we go from here?”

“I don’t know.” Kia shrugged and picked at her nail polish.

“Justin tells me you haven’t told your parents yet.”

“No.”

“Would you like me to be with you when you do?”

Kia hesitated, considering the offer, then shook her head. “Thanks, but that’s okay. I can do it.”

He nodded. “So then what?” he asked gently. “Once they’ve accepted that you’re having a baby, they’ll want to know what you plan to do with it.”

“I know.”

“Have you given it any thought?” His deep voice was softer than usual.

Kia shook her head. She felt her hands go to her stomach again.

“Are you thinking of asking your parents to help you raise it?”

“No.” She answered quickly. “Mom’s finally back at school working on her Ph.D. She wouldn’t want to look
after another baby. Neither would Dad.”

“Are you thinking of raising it on your own, then?”

Kia just shrugged again.

“That would certainly be a challenge for a girl your age. Social assistance helps, but being a single teen parent takes a lot of courage, not to mention work, and it makes getting an education more difficult and more expensive. Your whole future is affected.”

Kia didn’t answer. She chewed nervously at a fingernail.

There was a long pause. “One thing I can do as your minister,” he suggested finally, “is connect you with a social worker who can help you select good parents to adopt your child.”

“Yeah?” Kia asked, without enthusiasm.

“That’s right. You don’t have to hand the child over to strangers anymore. You can choose couples on the wait list who you think share the same values as you do, and then interview as many as it takes to find the right ones.”

Kia nodded but didn’t look up.

“And as you know,” he continued, warming to his subject, “there are many childless couples who are anxious to adopt a baby. Mature couples who are economically stable and ready for the responsibility of a child ...”

“Hang on,” Justin interrupted after studying Kia’s face. “I think Kia needs to deal with one thing at a time,” he said. “First she needs to tell her parents. She can think about this stuff later.”