Danny Baker Record Breaker (5): The World's Itchiest Pants (3 page)
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Authors: Steve Hartley
Matthew glanced around to see if there was anyone looking. ‘The coast’s clear,’ he replied. ‘Let’s get digging.’
Soon, snow-priest Father Paddy O’Hare sat on the low wall outside St Joseph’s Church, sharing a comic with snow-Reverend Dave Goodie, vicar of St Waldebert-in-the-Bottoms.
‘Hairy O’Hare isn’t hairy enough,’ said Danny, sticking short twigs in the snowman’s ears and up his nose.
‘And we forgot Mr Goodie’s buck-teeth,’ said Matthew, giving the Reverend a goofy grin made of orange peel.
Danny and Matthew continued through town, leaving a trail of funny footprints in the smooth, untouched snow. All the shops were closed, and the High Street looked like a still, white river
winding between them.
Danny created a pair of feet sticking out of the mouth of the postbox on the corner, as though someone had fallen head-first into it.
At the bus stop, they built a snowy Snow White and seven snow-Dwarfs queuing patiently, while across the road a giant snow-rabbit was escaping from the greengrocer’s shop carrying a huge
snow-carrot. Danny dropped a small pile of round black pebbles under the animal’s bottom.
‘It’s what bunnies do,’ he said, grinning at Matthew.
They were just adding the finishing touches to a model of a monster mouse chasing Pardon, the ferocious one-eared cat that lived in Gertie’s Gum and Gobstopper sweet shop, when they heard
the tinkle of a bell as the shop door opened.
The boys dived for cover in the doorway of the fish and chip shop nearby.
They heard the voice of Gertie Gubbins. ‘When I find out who’s poking fun at my Pardon,’ she stormed, ‘they’ll be banned from my shop for good!’
‘We need to be careful,’ said Matthew. ‘We’ll cop for it if people find out it’s us making these snowmen.’
‘We need disguises,’ replied Danny. ‘And I know where I can get some.’ He gazed through the empty chip-shop window, and his tummy gurgled. ‘Let’s go home for
tea. Call for me super-early tomorrow. I’ve got a plan!’
As Danny opened the front door of his house, the pungent pong of Skunk Flu Stink slammed into his face. Dad stomped down the stairs wearing a white mask over his face, spraying the hall with
‘Fiery Jock’ his super-smelly footballers’ muscle-rub.
‘The air freshener’s not covering up Natalie’s pong,’ he explained. ‘I didn’t think anything could smell worse than your feet Danny, but Natalie’s managed
it!’
Overnight, there had been another heavy snowfall. Super-early the next morning, Matthew called at Danny’s house.
‘I raided Mum’s jumble-sale bags last night,’ said Danny as the boys crept up to his bedroom. ‘Look what I’ve made.’
He opened the wardrobe door and showed Matthew a costume made up of Dad’s old cricket jumper and a pair of Mum’s stretchy white leggings.
‘This one’s yours,’ he said. ‘And here’s mine.’
Danny held up another outfit. The upper half was one of Natalie’s white disco tops. It was covered in shiny circular sequins that glittered and sparkled like tiny slivers of ice. He had
added a pair of Dad’s white track pants, with the legs rolled up.
There were also threadbare white towels for capes, white bobble hats with eyeholes cut out for masks, and two pairs of silver gloves.
‘My Grandma Florrie’s bedsocks will cover up our wellies,’ said Danny as the boys put on their costumes over their ordinary clothes.
‘Just one more thing.’ He handed Matthew a pair of Dad’s baggy old off-white Y-fronts. ‘The best superheroes wear their underpants on the
outside
.’
They gazed at themselves in the mirror.
‘Ace!’ said Danny. ‘Cool,’ agreed Matt. Danny swirled his tatty bath towel across his body. ‘With our Cloaks of Invisibility, no one will see us against the
snow!’
‘Let’s go and make snowmen!’ laughed Matthew, pretending to fly towards the bedroom door.
‘Ace! I’ll have to be back before lunch though,’ said Danny. ‘I told Natalie I’d tidy her room and do her nails. It’s all part of my plan to catch Skunk Flu
from her.’
‘I’ll give you a hand,’ said Matthew. ‘I’ll do the tidying, you do the nails!’
After a morning spent building more naughty snowmen, the boys sneaked back home. Danny hid their disguises at the back of his wardrobe and gave Matthew a paper flu mask before they entered
Natalie’s toxic room.
Matthew arranged Natalie’s CDs in alphabetical order and sorted all her shoes into pairs, while Danny carefully painted his sister’s fingernails with shiny pink varnish.
She sneezed. ‘A . . . a . . .
atishooooo!
’
Danny felt the little droplets of sneeze-juice shower his face. Ace! he thought, breathing deeply and filling his lungs with Natalie’s germs.
‘You’ve missed a bit,’ she sniffed, snatching a handkerchief from a box with her free hand, and blowing her nose. ‘
Hnnnnnnnnnnnnnk!
’
Danny was just finishing the last fingernail when he heard a gurgling, burbling, slurping sound, like bath water being forced down a blocked drain. He looked up at Natalie. Her eyes were
stretched wide in surprise and alarm, and her cheeks ballooned out as though she was blowing an invisible trumpet. Then her mouth gaped like a goldfish and she let out a window-rattling,
ear-splitting, hair-raising, rotten-egg-whiffing burp, right in Danny’s face.
‘Mega Ace!’ he cried.
‘Mega Cool!’ agreed Matthew.
‘You’ve got Skunk Flu Phase Two!’ Danny told his sister. ‘How’s your chin?’
‘Why?’ replied Natalie, frowning with worry.
‘Because I can’t wait to see Phase Three!’
Just then, Mum came into the bedroom, also wearing a mask. In one hand she held a copy of the
Penleydale Clarion
, and in the other, one of baby Joey’s particularly dirty, gooey
nappies, which she waved in front of her.
