Danny Baker Record Breaker (5): The World's Itchiest Pants (6 page)

On Saturday morning, Danny and Matthew went into their igloo HQ and put on their superhero outfits for the last time. The suits were already looking the worse for wear, floppy
and grubby, the overpants-underpants baggier than ever and only held up by safety pins. They strapped on their snowshoes and made their way to Penley Park.

‘Come on everyone!’ shouted Danny. ‘Let’s make a game of snowman football!’

More helpers turned up throughout the morning. By the time they all stopped to eat their packed lunches, two teams of snowy footballers dotted the pitch, with a snow-referee in the centre, and
two assistant referees on each touchline. One player had been made rolling around with a fake injury. Another was frozen in place making a desperate sliding tackle on his opponent, who had just
taken a shot at goal. The snow-goalkeeper (That’s me!’ said Danny) was diving across his goal line to save the shot. The snowman crowd around the edge was growing rapidly, and Matthew
struggled to keep a count of them all.

‘We’ve got more spectators here than Penleydale United!’ said Danny. ‘Only five more to build and we’re record breakers!’

The kids cheered once more.

Just then, Danny heard a distant rumble, like thunder. He glanced up towards the darkening sky and an astonishing sight met his eyes.

Careering down the steep hill behind the park at a terrifying speed was the most enormous snowball Danny had ever seen. With every passing metre, it collected more and more snow, growing bigger
and bigger, travelling faster and faster.

‘It’s heading straight towards us!’ gasped Danny.

The Abominable Army stopped, staring in awe as the snowball hurtled along the edge of town.

‘Oh no!’ shouted Matthew, pointing frantically in the opposite direction. ‘Look!’

A second giant snowball was thundering down the other side of the valley. It had been carefully aimed and nothing stood in its way. In seconds it would roll right into the park, flattening
snowmen and children alike.

Everyone scattered in panic. The two converging monster snowballs – each one as big as a house – crashed into the park at the same moment. One smashed over the Happy Cuppa Tea Rooms,
while the other reduced the wooden bandstand to splinters. They steamrollered through the multitude of snowmen, before crunching to a halt a short distance from each other in the middle of the snow
football pitch. Only the snow-goalkeepers at each end had escaped the crush.

Danny gazed at the devastation and had to admit that Matthew was right: the record attempt lay in ruins. Just then, movement in the trees nearby caught Danny’s eye. A hooded figure was
zigzagging through the trees on long black skis.

‘It’s him! It’s the Squisher!’ said Danny, scooping up a big snowball and hurling it at the moving target. His aim was spot-on: right on the nose! The snowball splattered
across the man’s face, and he tumbled to the ground.

‘Don’t let him get away!’ ordered Danny.

The Abominable Army swarmed into the woods. They surrounded the mysterious raider, pelting him with dozens of snowballs, turning him instantly into a living snowman.

Danny and Matthew worked their way to the front of the crowd of children. ‘Why have you been spoiling our fun?’ asked Danny.

The man struggled to his feet, tugged off his hood and fixed the boys with black, beady eyes. He had a long, bony face framed by wispy grey hair that stuck out untidily in all directions.

Matthew stepped forward. ‘You could have squashed us all with those giant snowballs!’ he said.

‘Let’s tie him up with our scarves,’ said Danny. Then take him to the police station!’

The Abominable Army swarmed around the Squisher to stop him from escaping, then knotted their scarves together, wrapping the thick woolly rope tightly around him.

‘Wait!’ he called as the throng of children slid him on his skis towards the park gates. He stared at Danny and Matthew. ‘Who are
you?’

‘We’re the Abominable Snowboys!’ they replied in chorus.

Also known as . . .’ said Danny, as he and Matthew yanked the bobble hats off their heads, ‘Danny Baker.’ ‘And Matthew Mason!’ The rest of the kids burst out
laughing. ‘We knew it was you as soon as we heard you wanted to break a world record!’

Alone again in the park, the boys took one last look around the field of flattened footballers.

‘What’s this?’ said Danny, digging a small black box from the snow. The device had a long silver aerial and two joysticks with the words ‘Left Ball’ and
‘Right Ball’ written beneath them.

‘Remote-controlled snowballs!’ gasped Matthew. ‘Cool!’

‘So
that’s
why they’re buzzing,’ said Danny, staring at the two huge spheres. ‘I wonder . . .’

He touched the left joystick, and one of the snowballs jerked forward. He moved the right joystick, and the other snowball began to creep across the ground.

‘If we’re quick, Matt, we might
still
be able to claim a record.’

Dear Mr Bibby

You need to send Merrick Moth another certificate, for Remote-controlled Giant-rolling-snowball Snowman Destruction! But you’d better send it to Bad Bodkin Prison,
because that’s where he’ll be living for the next six months! He’s been charged with rolling snowballs with intent to cause grievous bodily harm!