Daring to Dream (4 page)

I was so buoyed up by my win I started entering more and more competitions. I went in for one in Deptford and one of the members of Damage was on the judging panel, which to my mind meant it was akin to being on TV. I won there too and when people said to me I should sing professionally it made me feel amazing. I sang anywhere and everywhere I could.

My parents would send me up the chippy on a Friday night and there would be karaoke on in our local pub, The Albany. While I was waiting for the food to be ready I’d go in and sing a song. Then I’d disappear again and everyone would be left thinking ‘Who the hell was that?’ I’d get a round of applause and then go and get my chips. I started entering local karaoke competitions when I was out with my friends without my parents knowing. I used to come home with a trophy and a £50 note having just won. I used to get £5 pocket money every Saturday, so that £50 was a hell of a lot of money to me.

When I was young I used to spend all of my pocket money on sweets, but as I got older my friends and I started pooling our money and going to the off-licence. We’d wait for someone older to come along and ask them to buy us alcohol, but I rarely used to drink mine. I’d pour it away when no one was looking and pretend to be pissed because
I didn’t like the taste or what it did to people. One of the rare times I did get drunk was when I was going out with a lad called Grahame Pink who had a motorbike. He gave me a lift home one night and I was leaning to the side trying to get some air because I was so plastered. I went straight upstairs and lay on my bed face down and I felt awful the next day. My hand/eye coordination used to go after a few drinks and I remember sticking a burger in my eye instead of my mouth once because I was seeing double. Me and booze definitely do not mix.

Drinking didn’t ever feel like fun for me, even when we started to go to under-18s clubs. I started wearing all of the luminous clothing that was really fashionable at the time. I’d built up a collection of luminous sunglasses which were given away free with McDonald’s Happy Meals, so I always had a pair of those on. I also had ra-ra skirt, which I wore very occasionally, and loads of shell suits. There was also a really cool (for the time) silky tracksuit called Black and White. It came in loads of different colours and all my friends and I had one. We looked like a bloody girl band with our Fila and LA Gear trainers or Wallabies. My mum and dad didn’t have a pot to piss in, but my mum would spend every last penny she had making sure I had something nice to wear so I could fit in with the other kids.

My brothers were really into acid house, so they were always out clubbing wearing stupid clothes. My parents had allowed them to have a mural on a wall in their bedroom, so
they’d painted a ridiculous Union Jack with a British Bulldog in the middle of it. I came home one day and heard all of these noises coming from their room. I pushed open the door and before I knew what was happening one of them had grabbed me and thrown me onto the futon. When I looked up they were both standing there shaking. They were tripping on acid and they thought the British Bulldog was coming out of the wall and trying to lick them. They were trying to explain to me what was happening to them, but I’d never tried drugs at that point so I couldn’t really get my head around it. In the end I had to literally pull them out of the room one by one. It was like something out of
Poltergeist
. They were absolutely terrified. Not surprisingly, that put me off trying acid for life.

I did, however, start smoking when I was 15. Either a group of us used to buy ten Benson and Hedges between us (which cost £1.10!) or I’d nick my mum’s fags and go down the alley with my friend Maria. We’d smoke as quickly as we could so we didn’t get caught. If there was a group of us smoking in the playground we’d play chew the butt, where everyone had to take a drag of a fag and then pass it to the next person. Whoever was holding the cigarette when it finally went out had to chew the butt. I have no idea why we did it but everyone did back then.

When I was 15 we moved again, to Albany Park in Bexley, which was a safer place to live in that there were fewer fights and break-ins. It was near enough our old place that I could
still hang out with my mates, so I wasn’t too upset. By that time my brothers were moving in and out of home all the time. They wanted their own space and some freedom, so they rented bedsits together and I’d go round and visit them. They weren’t always nice places but they were theirs and that’s what mattered to them.

The first day we moved to Albany Park, Dad promised me that he would make sure he did my room up first and make it exactly how I wanted. I got some shabby chic furniture and he was going to put my bed up and make it look really cool. But then one of his mates came round with a few cans, and the next thing you knew he was drunk and my room was still filled with boxes. My mum was running around trying to unpack and get things done and I was so furious with my dad because he was doing bugger all. I was standing at the top of our bannister looking into our new living room and I could see him laughing and joking with his mate and I shouted, ‘I hate you!’ at him. He completely ignored me so I shouted it again. Once again he totally ignored me. I was at boiling point and I really wanted to get his attention, so I called him the ‘C’ word. It’s the only time I’ve ever used that word and meant it because I loathe it, but it certainly got his attention. I ran into my room and slammed the door, and he came flying in a few seconds later.

I was so wound up I got him in a headlock and I was screaming all sorts of things at him. It had got to the point where I didn’t feel like I was his priority anymore. Alcohol
was. When I told him how I felt he was crushed. He was genuinely upset and I felt so bad, but thankfully it made him take a long hard look at himself and prompted him to go to rehab and get help. We all knew he was a full-blown alcoholic and it was heartbreaking to see how much he’d changed over the course of my life. He was like a shadow of the man he’d once been. His vibrancy had gone, he barely worked and he was constantly lethargic. He had to try and sort himself out.

My dad was in rehab for six weeks and to start with he did really well. But then one of his drinking ‘mates’ started visiting him and sneaking in beers. What a great friend, eh? Needless to say the treatment didn’t work and he was soon back home, drinking beer after beer on the sofa. The big problem was that my dad was a nicer person when he was drunk. When he was sober he’d get the shakes and feel so ill he’d get really grumpy. As soon as he had a drink, he’d feel calm again and was much easier to be around. So he pretty much drank constantly when he was in the house.

One day, after a big session the previous night, my dad drove to the shop around the corner from us to get some cigarettes and he got stopped by the police. Even though he hadn’t yet had a drink that day, he was still over the limit so he lost his driving licence. As a result of not being able to drive he was unable to work at all, which was the last thing he needed. Now he had an excuse to sit at home and drink full-time.

My mum was working as a market researcher by then. She had to stop people in the street and ask them about everything from cheese to cars. Now my dad didn’t have a job she was grafting harder than ever and so she was knackered most of the time. One day she came home from work and I was playing one of my dad’s acoustic guitars. She said she wasn’t feeling well and the next thing I knew she was unconscious and her eyes were rolling into the back of her head. I screamed upstairs for my dad to come down and by the time he got downstairs mum’s tongue had gone down the back of her throat and she was having a convulsion. We rang an ambulance and she was taken to hospital where they told us she’d had a fit because she was so run down. She had to take time off from work and I was so worried about her. I think she was physically and emotionally exhausted from working non-stop and worrying about my dad.

It didn’t help that my parents were rowing more than ever. Dad still had his mates round all the time, making noise and drinking, and it was the last thing mum needed after being out all day working. I’d got to an age where my mum could be open with me about things and she started to say to me, ‘I want to leave your dad.’ I felt like I was being disloyal to dad but I’d say to her, ‘Well, do it then. You’ve got to do what’s right for you.’ I knew they would be better off apart because dad was becoming more and more difficult. Mum would take ages cooking him a dinner and he’d take it and throw it on the floor to wind her up. They really knew how to push
each other’s buttons. But for some reason she couldn’t walk away. Not until much later on anyway.

Looking back on my childhood now, I wouldn’t change a thing. Not even the bullying. Now I’ve got kids myself I can empathise if they’re having a hard time at school because I’ve been through it myself. I would know the signs if they were being bullied and I would be able to talk to them about it. I’ve spoken to my children about bullying and how much it affected me and they know it’s not a nice thing to do. My daughter Brooke is in the same class as a girl who has learning difficulties and she helps her whenever she can. She understands that if she’s got the means to help someone, she should. I really hope those values stay with her throughout her life.

Every single thing that happened to me when I was a young kid and a teenager has made me who I am now. Because I had to cope with my parents non-stop arguing growing up, I make sure Craig and I talk to each other about everything now. I don’t ever want to end up in the same position my parents were in because they stopped communicating with each other. It was horrible to see them fall apart, so anytime Craig and I have a problem, we talk it through.

People still say to me now, ‘You had it tough as a kid’, but I didn’t know any different. If I’d lived in a namby-pamby house and skipped over to the park every day I wouldn’t be anywhere near as strong as I am now. I can stick up for myself and it’s also kept me grounded. I treat other people
as I want to be treated, so I’m always nice and I’m always respectful. I really do believe you get back what you give out in life and there’s never a reason to be rude to anyone.

I
was nearing the end of my school days and my GCSEs were coming up. My favourite subjects were music, English and cookery. I hated IT and French, mainly because our French teacher used to pick his nose and wipe it on his desk and it made me feel sick. Annoyingly, they didn't bring drama and PE GCSEs in until the year after I finished, so they weren't available. I didn't do very well in my exams and the best grade I got was a C in music. I can't read music but I can play it by ear.

I didn't really care too much about my grades because my plan was either to become a footballer or go to drama school. In the end I decided to apply to Bexley College to do a BTEC diploma in performing arts. I can't remember much about the audition but I know I had to do a little bit of acting and singing, and I was so happy when I was offered a place.

I was expecting there to be a massive class full of people, but when I walked in there were only eight of us. It was a really eclectic mixture of people. I got on really well with one girl, Michelle, from the word go. She had her own bedsit in Thamesmead, so there were no parents around when I went there and we could pretty much do what we wanted, which is a very exciting prospect at 16. She looked after horses; I'd help her muck out before college and we became really, really good friends. I spent so much time at her place I was hardly at home, which was definitely a good thing with my parents the way they were.

We started going out clubbing in London with other friends to places like Club UK and Bagleys. I was in Club UK one night when I saw a guy walking around marking people on their backs with some kind of pen. I couldn't really see what he was doing because it was dark, and the people he was marking were far too gone to notice what was happening. About 15 minutes later the music stopped and the police came in. They took away the people who had marks on their backs, and then the club carried on. It must have been the quickest raid known to man.

Another time I was there, this poor girl was so off her nut a group of lads started stripping off her clothes on the dance floor. It was clear she was too wasted to stop them and everyone else was either ignoring the situation or laughing. Because I was sober I stormed in, grabbed her and took her off to the toilet to get her dressed. Then I got one of the
bouncers to take care of her and call her a taxi home because anything could have happened to her. I really can't imagine what appeals to people about feeling that out of control.

Even now I'm always the one who gets my friends home safely after a night out. I can go out with £30 in my purse and come back with £28 because all I need is a soft drink. I'll be the one who can remember everything the next day and I always take the mickey out of my mates for all of the stupid things they've done. We'll have a right laugh about it and I'll be safe in the knowledge that I didn't do anything ridiculous. I love that feeling. People are always trying to get me drunk because they think I'll be funny, but I don't think my mum or Craig have seen me pissed once. Tipsy maybe, but never hammered. I don't change much after a drink; I just get friendlier. I'll sit on people's laps and cuddle everyone, so it would probably be a bit dangerous if I
was
a full-on pisshead!

Like drinking, drugs were never something I was that bothered about. I'll hold my hands up and admit that I did try certain drugs in my younger years. I remember trying puff for the first time when my brothers were living in one of their bedsits. I went round to visit them and one of their mates thought it would be funny to give me a spliff. Obviously I tried to act like I was all grown up and had done it loads of times before, so I took several puffs and then laughed a lot and fell asleep. That was the last time I bothered with that. What's the point in smoking something
that's going to make you pass out? Another time I ‘tried' something was when I got spiked when I was 16. I was in our local pub and there were a group of lads on the next table who were all laughing at me. I couldn't understand why so I ignored them. I went outside to play football in the beer garden and when someone kicked the ball to me it stopped in front of me and said, ‘Kick me!' in a really loud, deep voice.

I freaked out and went and sat underneath a tree to try and calm down, but I thought the tree was alive and was trying to grab me. Everything I saw was evil and everyday objects were turning into monsters with sharp teeth and evil eyes. Luckily some of my friends realised I'd been spiked and they took me to the hospital. I was put on a drip and I had to stay in for a few hours until I was back to ‘normal'. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. It turned out one of those boys had been boasting about spiking me but no one person would take the blame, so my brothers ended up punching every single one of them just to make sure they got the right person. But despite that incident, like most teenagers, I still experimented. When we went out I would be the only person who didn't drink and everyone else would be having a good time but by 1am I'd be shattered and sober. We wouldn't finish until seven or eight in the morning and I didn't drive so I couldn't get myself home, which meant I'd have to wait for my mates so we could all get one of the first trains home together.

One day one of my friends said to me ‘Why don't you take something to keep you awake and give you more energy?' What she offered me was speed. I'd never tried it before but it did do exactly what she said. The side effects were awful. I was thin anyway and the drugs made me not to want to eat, and I wouldn't be able to sleep so I felt like rubbish the next day. The next time I went out clubbing again I'd end up doing the same thing. I got into a really negative pattern for a short while.

A lot of people I knew were doing ecstasy, which frightened the living daylights out of me. Because of peer pressure I tried it and I didn't like it at all. I only really tried drugs because everyone else around me was doing them. Back then I was more of a follower than a leader. I guess I didn't want to be the only one not doing anything and felt a certain amount of pressure to fit in.

Everything was so readily available. I was so lucky that I didn't like them because I know people who have got themselves into a lot of trouble where drugs were concerned.

I guess because I'd grown up around all the alcohol and with my brothers doing drugs and seen the damage it did it put me off going down the same path. I was always aware that things could potentially tip over and I could end up liking things that weren't good for me just a little bit
too
much.

Thankfully the only things I've ever been addicted to are chocolate and cigarettes and I feel so grateful that I don't
have that self-destructive gene. My family almost showed me what
not
to do.

People drink or do drugs so they can escape, but I didn't have any need to. I was always very outgoing and I was happy with myself, so what was the point in doing things that made me feel bad about myself and guilty? It made no sense. Another red flag for me was when a guy I'd known at school took something without finding out what it was. Tragically it gave him brain damage and he now has the mental age of a 13-year-old.

I certainly wasn't an angel when I was younger and I didn't walk around with a halo on my head, and I did what I did because of the people who I hung out with. It scares me that these days apparently you can buy an ecstasy tablet for about £3. It's cheaper than buying a glass of wine. It's shocking.

I'm glad there is so much more information available now and a lot of anti-drug campaigns which really hit home to people. All those years ago people were taking drugs and they didn't really know the dangers, but now everything is very transparent and you know that if you do drugs you're taking a huge risk.

Some people will assume that once you're famous it's all sex, drugs and rock and roll but I can honestly say that I haven't been offered drugs since I've been in the public eye. I think it's quite clear I'm not that kind of person so that's probably why. I would much rather have a cup of tea and an early night and I think people are well aware of that.

Bexley College was a bit of a strange time. I think because I was going out so much and staying with Michelle all the time, it feels like a bit of a blur. It wasn't all jazz hands (people walking around being over the top and showbiz) and am-dram like I'd expected; it was pretty laid back. We did a few shows and around Christmas time we put on a production called
Cindy Ryella
, an Essex-girl version of
Cinderella
. Michelle and I played the ugly sisters Sharon and Tracy, and I remember us getting on a bus in our outfits, which consisted of a pink mini-skirt, fur coat and tons of make-up. We stayed in character all the way and everyone on the bus was giggling at us.

I knew everyone's lines in the play because I recorded the whole thing on my little karaoke machine at home using different voices for different characters. Then I left blank the parts where my lines were supposed to be. I used to play it back over and over again and speak my lines during the blank bits. I took that tape with me everywhere and by the time we performed the show to an audience I knew the entire thing inside out. At the time we thought the show was West End quality, but if I were to watch it back now I bet it would be bloody awful.

That karaoke machine was a godsend because I also learnt to harmonise using it. I used to record an entire verse of a song, like Take That's ‘Pray', and then play it back. Then I'd put another tape in the other side of the machine and sing over the top of it, so I was harmonising with myself. I used
to do it over and over again and I had all of these tapes filled with different songs.

I managed to get my diploma at the end of my year-long course, but the whole thing was so relaxed it was more of a laugh than anything. It was the first time I'd been treated like an adult and there was no one taking a register, so I could get away with being late and messing around because no one told you off. If we'd been out clubbing the night before, Michelle and I would roll up around lunchtime and the tutors didn't say a word. We kind of made our own rules and I loved that.

Because I'd passed the course I got the opportunity to try out for the Miskin Theatre, which was based in North West Kent College in Dartford. I got accepted and Michelle also got offered a place. We were still good mates but I'd started to kind of distance myself from her a bit. She was still partying a lot and I wanted to get my head down and work hard. I'd had my year of messing around and now I wanted to learn as much as I could about performing.

On my first day at Miskin Theatre we were told we had to decide if we wanted to do acting, dancing or music, and not surprisingly I chose music. I met a girl called Lucy on the course and we had so much in common. We started working together a lot and from then on we were pretty much inseparable. She used to hang out in a local pub called The White Swan, so I started spending a lot of time there too. I also got a job collecting glasses in The Albany, so, ironically, I ended up spending most of my time in pubs.

One day we were in The White Swan and a guy called Shaun Williamson was performing, whose name you may recognise. He lived opposite the pub in a tiny cottage with his girlfriend Mel and he was well-known locally. We became good friends and he very kindly invited me to sing in the pub whenever he did. He was also doing some other small paid gigs locally and asked if I wanted to perform with him at those. They became my first paid performing work. It made me feel much more confident about my singing. If people were willing to pay to hear me, I couldn't be that bad, could I?

Shaun is also an actor, and within a few months he was offered the role of Barry on
EastEnders
. It meant he had to give up the pub singing, so he offered to lend me his PA system so I could go out on my own. It was such a lovely offer but at 17 I felt I was too young to fly solo, so instead he gave me some blank Mariah Carey backing tracks to practice at home with. I have a lot to thank him for.

Shortly afterwards, my Uncle Paul offered to pay for me to go into a professional music studio and record some tracks. It was something I'd been desperate to do for ages. Those sessions led to me singing on a dance track for an old school friend of mine called Matt Zillwood. I loved that because I could be completely anonymous. I got to sing but no one knew it was me, which was ideal. I know it may sound hard to believe but it was never my plan to be famous. I originally wanted to be a backing vocalist and I still love the idea of it
now. I would love to sing back-up for someone like Adele, and feel important because I'm a part of something but not have all of the attention on me. Obviously that's not how things have worked out, and I wouldn't change what's happened to me for the world, but certainly in the early years I was far too self-conscious and lacking in confidence to think I could ever be well known in my own right.

Not only did The White Swan provide me with my first paid singing work, it was also where I met my first serious boyfriend, Darren. There isn't any big romantic story behind it. I think he bought me a drink and we had a chat and that was it, we were a couple. He lived with his nan and granddad, who were lovely people, and I was round there constantly. I was absolutely smitten and it was much more fun than being at home. I remember Darren having to meet my dad for the first time. Everyone was winding him up because they knew my dad would give him a hard time. He was nervous so I told him to take my dad some beers, and when he turned up with some Special Brew they were instantly best mates. It didn't take a lot to win my dad over!

Darren's nan and granddad ran a company which sourced homes for foreign students to stay in. My mum decided it would be a good way to make some extra money, so she started taking in students regularly. We used to have two staying at once and they had to be taken to the coach each day in Eltham, and then picked up and fed each evening. They had to speak English the whole time they were around
us to improve their language skills and I think Mum liked it because it meant that Dad had to behave himself when they were around. We had so many students our front room started to look like a European knick-knack shop because they always bought us gifts, and sometimes we had a real laugh with them.