Dark Destiny (27 page)

"Nicolae is…" Destiny hesitated, searching for the right word. "Magic. Not real. A dream that can't possibly be true. He's like a white knight. The hero in an action film, larger than life and only a figment of the imagination."

"Destiny." MaryAnn waited until the other woman turned to look at her. "What would happen if Nicolae was real and not a dream at all?"

Destiny lifted her hand to eye level, held it out for MaryAnn to see. They both watched it tremble uncontrollably. "He could take everything away from me. Everything I am, everything I've worked so hard to achieve, to become. He could rip me apart, and I would turn to ashes in the sun."

"You're saying you're very vulnerable to him, and that frightens you. He is capable of hurting you if you let him in."

"I'm saying he could
destroy
me. I've been destroyed once and I rebuilt my life into something." Destiny ducked her head. Nicolae had given her back her life, had made her into what she was. And now he was asking her to change all over again.

"I think it is natural for anyone entering into a relationship, a partnership, to be frightened of being hurt, don't you, Destiny? When we allow ourselves to love, we're always vulnerable. Everyone is, Destiny. It wasn't that long ago that you were leery of having a simple friendship," MaryAnn pointed out.

"Because it would bring you into a dangerous world. It
did
bring you into that world." Destiny sighed and took another turn around the office. "I could destroy him."

There it was. Out in the open. The words had slipped out before she could stop them. Maybe she'd wanted to tell MaryAnn all along. Maybe that was why she had been drawn to this place of peace. To tell the truth to someone who mattered to her.

MaryAnn pushed back her chair and moved around the desk to lean her hip against the edge. "That's what you want to talk about, isn't it? You're worried about Nicolae."

"You said you have a talent. That you can read women. What do you see in me?" Destiny lifted her chin almost belligerently, her gaze steady on MaryAnn's.

MaryAnn allowed her breath to escape her lungs in a rush. "Seeing things is not always comfortable. You're certain you want me to tell you?"

Destiny shrugged with studied casualness. "I could just as easily read your mind, MaryAnn. But I respect you and, unless it is for your own protection or the protection of others, I would never violate the trust between us by reading your mind without permission."

"I know you are tied in some way that I can't understand to Nicolae. It is beyond the boundaries of the earth. And I know you were hideously abused and you fear that staying with him will somehow cause his destruction. Nicolae is a strong man. I've never encountered anyone with his sheer power." MaryAnn tilted her head to one side, regarding Destiny carefully. "Why are you so certain you're not just what Nicolae needs? I think you are. I think you're
exactly
what he needs. I know you're what he wants. Every time he looks at you that longing is in his eyes."

Destiny waved MaryAnn's remark aside. They had come full circle. She had already ranted about the way Nicolae looked at her, she didn't need MaryAnn to point it out to her. She knew he wanted her, that he needed her. She also knew the price might be more than either of them could afford. She swept her hair away from her eyes. "There aren't just a few small problems, MaryAnn."

MaryAnn watched as Destiny threw herself carelessly into a chair, her legs stretched out in front of her. "I'm going to speak very plainly with you, Destiny."

"Please do." Destiny intended to speak plainly with MaryAnn.

"Women who have been raped or sexually abused as children have problems with intimacy. Those problems don't just go away. And even when you think you've beaten the past, it will suddenly be there, between you. That's a normal reaction, Destiny, and one to be expected."

"I do expect it. Well, the chemistry between Nicolae and me is much more explosive than I had counted on. I had no idea it could be so strong. I also realize I don't want to surrender control in any way. I'm honest enough with myself and with Nicolae to admit that."

MaryAnn looked pleased. "As long as you understand that, you should be fine. Nicolae seems man enough to give you the space you need when you need it. You should be able to work out that aspect of your relationship."

"You would think so." Destiny sighed heavily. "But our attraction to one another is far more than just physical. We
need
to be together. We need to come together, physically as well as mentally. It's part of what we are. I can't explain it other than to say it's intense and sometimes uncomfortable."

"You find it uncomfortable?"

Destiny nodded, her small white teeth tugging at her lower lip. "He takes everything in stride. I'm the mess. It's just so intense. There's no other word. When I'm with him, I feel so out of control. It's so frightening to be like that, to want someone so much you don't care about anything but being with him."

MaryAnn laughed softly. "Destiny, you don't know yourself at all. You obviously care a great deal about this man or you wouldn't be so worried that you're in some way going to harm him. Do you think loving him or wanting him so intensely is going to hurt him?"

"My blood is tainted." Destiny blurted it out, leaping to her feet to pace around the room again. Movement enabled her to avoid Mary Ann's eyes.

There was a small silence. "Would you mind elaborating?"

Destiny gestured rather helplessly with her hands. "The vampire converted me. His blood was tainted and he tainted my blood. Sort of like a disease."

MaryAnn frowned. "Sit down, Destiny. You're making me nervous with your pacing. This is important and out of my realm of knowledge. Is the tainted blood dangerous to you?"

"To Nicolae." There was only acceptance and the need to understand in Mary Ann's voice; the terrible knot in Destiny's stomach relaxed. She returned to the chair. "I don't know all that much about Carpathians, but there is a darkness in the males, from what Nicolae tells me. That darkness is what allows them to turn vampire. They fight it, of course. Nicolae has been fighting for a long time."

MaryAnn hitched her chair closer. "And your blood somehow makes it more difficult for him? What are you saying?"

"I don't know what will happen if he takes my blood. When we make love, it's difficult, nearly impossible not to"—she hesitated, searching for the right word—"
indulge
that side of our craving too. It becomes erotic. Nicolae's need is very strong. I don't think there's a cure for me. If we're together, we aren't going to be able to resist the lure of that side of our hunger." She passed a hand over her face. "I couldn't bear to be his destruction, MaryAnn. I wanted to walk away from him, but it's too late for that."

MaryAnn immediately rose to wrap a comforting arm around Destiny's shoulders. "Have you discussed your fears with Nicolae?"

Destiny touched MaryAnn's mind, afraid of what she must be thinking of her revelations, but MaryAnn was as centered as always. She accepted the things Destiny told her with her usual equilibrium and was struggling to understand.

"We talked about it. He doesn't worry about himself; he only thinks about me." It set her teeth on edge, his total commitment to her. Destiny wasn't comfortable with devotion. Or love.

"People search their entire lives looking for what you have, Destiny. Don't be afraid of it."

Destiny glared at MaryAnn in disgust. "You sound just like Father Mulligan. I ask him a question and he gives me some sort of philosophical Zen answer. What kind of advice is 'have courage'? What does that mean? Have courage to do what? Isn't a priest supposed to give spiritual advice? You know, MaryAnn, I'm beginning to think you make it up as you go along, you and Father Mulligan."

MaryAnn's eyebrow shot up. "Are we supposed to have the answers? You don't have the answers—how would we? You can only keep moving ahead, Destiny. You keep your eyes open and with luck you see the pitfalls before you step into them, but you embrace life and live it as best you can."

"Tell me something, Mary Ann. Do you think your life has been changed, knowing there are such evil creatures in the world as vampires?"

"Of course my life has changed. But am I going to live it in fear? I hope not. I hope I face each day with courage and dignity. You do that. I wouldn't mind being like you."

The shock of those words was tremendous, shaking Destiny to the very core of her existence. She found herself gaping at Mary Ann, nearly choking on her protest. MaryAnn was everything Destiny had ever wanted to be. "Are you crazy? I'm a mess."

MaryAnn patted her arm. "That's normal, Destiny. We're all a mess in our minds. Welcome to the world of human reality."

A faint smile lit Destiny's eyes. "Well, I guess we didn't solve the world's problems, but I sat in a chair and talked for the first time in years without feeling like I couldn't breathe." The moment she said the words, her smile faded.
It was you, Nicolae. You are helping me to be able to be inside this structure, conversing with her, aren't you? I've never been able to do this
.

There was an impression of warmth surrounding her like strong arms. Destiny leapt out of the chair as if it were a viper threatening to bite her. Her eyes darkened to a brilliant green. "That man is a total jerk! Why did I ever think I might want a relationship with him?" Her hand flew defensively to her throat. She could feel his lips brushing just there over her pulse. At once her skin throbbed and her body burned.
You aren't helping your silly courtship. I am not a baby to be aided without my consent or knowledge. I don't want your help, and I don't need it
!

You are just angry because you did not sense my touch
. There was smug male amusement in his tone.
I am merely keeping you on your toes. We have something taking place here we do not understand, and we both should be vigilant.

Destiny snarled. "Nicolae is the most annoying man on the face of the earth. Why would I want a smug, arrogant, pain-in-the-butt male creature like him in my life? Answer me that, Mary Ann!"
I am always vigilant!

"Sex." MaryAnn answered succinctly. "It's sex, Destiny. He reeks of sex. I take it he's telepathic."

"He's annoying, that's what he is."
There is nothing sexy about you. I know you're all puffed up and smirking but I don't think you're the least bit sexy
.

I had no idea you were such a little liar, Destiny. You think I'm sexy.

"I do think he's sexy," she admitted, wrenching open the door to MaryAnn's office, "but I don't like him very much."

"Destiny," MaryAnn said quietly, halting her flight. "Everyone needs help now and then."

Destiny turned her back on MaryAnn, on Nicolae and all relationships. She didn't want help, she decided as she fled the office. She would work things out her own way. And there was that little nagging question that kept popping up. She kept pushing it down, not wanting to face it, but there were all those little things that she couldn't ignore forever. Why could he find her at will when he had never taken her blood? And how was he able to be in her mind, actively aiding her, yet she felt no surge of power? No push? Why was she unable or unwilling to fight the compulsion to obey him, even when she knew it was a compulsion.

How powerful are you
? There was accusation in her voice rather than admiration. She slammed her mind closed to him and took to the skies. It was the only place she felt absolutely free. She soared through the clouds, reveling in her ability to do so. She didn't want to know how powerful he was. She didn't want to think too much about what she had done with him.

Nicolae hadn't pressured her. She couldn't even blame him. She had insisted on the words. He would never have made love to her except that she had insisted on that too. The wind rushed at her, cooled her skin and soothed the chaos in her mind. Nicolae. He belonged to her, and she had no idea what to do with him.

It was so easy for the priest to tell her to have courage. He didn't have nightmare images walking through his mind every waking minute. He didn't have scars on his body and etched into his soul. He didn't have poison in his blood that could corrupt and twist something good into evil.

"I am so lost." She murmured the words aloud, listened to the wind carry them away from her, wishing it could take her pain so easily.

I can take away your pain.

There he was again. Just as if she had summoned him. He was always with her when her world was in turmoil. The wind tore tears from her eyes as she streaked across the sky.
And what must I do in return for you
? There was despair in her heart when she wanted to show him joy. She wanted to be different. She wished she could go to him clean, without distress, without scars. Without the terrible weight and sin of what she was. What she couldn't change. She hated feeling sorry for herself; she didn't want his pity.

You exist. You love me. You are beginning to surrender yourself into my keeping. It is enough
. He was calm even when he was tearing out her heart.

It wasn't enough, and they both knew it. Her cry of sorrow echoed across the skies.

Chapter Twelve

Surrender herself into his keeping. Such simple words. He said them with calm, with conviction. Destiny raced across the skies with no idea of where she was heading, only the need to fly high and fast and far.

I never wanted this
.

She detested whining. She detested feeling sorry for herself. She really detested being afraid. She hadn't feared her battles with the undead. If she had died then, it would have ended the suffering, the agonizing problems her tainted blood caused. If she were the victor, the world would be rid of another monster. Now she feared destroying the only person who mattered. The only one who had managed to find his way into her soul. Nicolae.

I want you with all my heart. With every breath in my body.