Dark Diary (8 page)

But… I could not, because if ever I did wrap my arms around her… I would never let her go.

“It’s not your fault, Kathryn,” I assured her with a gentle nudge. “I am grateful for your bravery.” I trailed the back of my fingers down her cheek and smiled. “Thank you.”

She scooted closer to me and rested her face lightly against my chest.

I inhaled slowly.

The smell of her hair was intoxicating. Wonderful. The essence of rose oil drifted from her skin and she felt warm and real against me.

For a brief moment my pain subsided. Not the pain of my wounds, but the one in my heart—the eternal longing I had for her. I wanted to take her into an embrace, but stopped myself from doing so.

“Are you alright?” I tucked a curl of her soft hair behind her ear as she lifted her face from my chest.

“I will be.” She sniffled and twisted around to take up a stack of cloth bandages from her dresser.

The greasy, dark yellow ointment she applied stung like hellfire, but she assured me it would keep the wounds from becoming infected. She then wrapped a cloth across each line of broken flesh and secured them around my ribs for support. The work was intricate but done with a gentle and skilled hand. I had no idea she had such good bedside manner.

“You can remove them in a day or two, once the bleeding has stopped and the wounds have dried,” she said. Her fingers followed the lines of her handiwork. “I…” she began, a stutter catching at her tongue. She cleared her throat and rolled her shoulders back. “I know that what you said to me yesterday was a lie, Matthaya.”

“What?” I turned to her.

“I know it within my soul,” she continued, her voice breaking with emotion. “You cannot deny it.”

Kathryn’s silky fingertips traced my brow and slid down the side of my cheek to my chin where she brushed her thumb across my lower lip. My body gravitated toward her involuntarily.

“Can you?” she whispered, leaning closer to me as the words slid off her tongue. Her rose oil perfume teased my nose again and I fell silent.

Her eyes devoured me and, without letting me answer, she slid her other hand to the back of my neck and brought her lips to mine.

There was a knock on her door and before I had even tasted her breath, Kathryn pulled away.

“Kathryn,” her mother called. “May I come in?”

Kathryn’s cheeks flushed and her eyes sheepishly avoided me. She reached for the clean tunic she had brought
and placed it in my lap, still avoiding my gaze.

“Yes, Mother,” she replied, shifting a few inches away from
me on the bed.

Maria entered, scanned the bowl of bloody water on the dresser, then the bandages across my chest.

“How are you?” She tilted her head.

She
seemed
concerned.

“I am better, Milady,” I answered with a bow of my head.
“
Thank you.” I shrugged the shirt over my shoulders as quickly as
I could without hurting myself, and then laced up the leather strings at my collar.

“Kathryn.” Her mother approached. “I would like a word with the boy. Alone.”

Her daughter seemed shocked to hear such a thing, but doing as requested, stood and made her way to her door.

“I will be in the hall if you need me,” Kathryn said with a curtsey toward her mother.

“Shut the door, please,” Maria added sharply, before Kathryn had fully left the room.

The door clicking shut gave me goose bumps.

Lady Shallon shook her head, took a seat in a chair just across from me, and crossed her legs beneath her dress.

“
Matthaya, there is something you must understand about
my daughter,” she began, licking her lips as she gathered her
thoughts. “She is young… impulsive and impressionable.
She does not comprehend the consequences of her actions.”

My eyes narrowed.

“I know how she feels about you,” she said, intertwining her fingers to hide her frustration. “You must not let it be.”

“
But we have been friends since we were small children,”
I defended. “I have done nothing to make her think any differently of me.”

“You don’t have to!” Her hands flinched. She tried to keep her composure. “You are merely a novelty to her. The fire of
her naivety will fade in time.”

“Is that what you want?” I sneered, speaking a dangerous tone to my superior. “For the precious fire within her to wither and die?”

“We have to do what we must to preserve our name. She will be married off soon and you cannot be a temptation to her in the meantime. You
must
push her away.”

A temptation?
How could she refer to me as such?
I had made absolutely no effort to
tempt
Kathryn and I never would. I recognized the boundaries of servitude all too well to dare cross them.

“It’s not just that,” she added. “If my husband suspects something, he’ll surely—”

“Beat me?” A flare of rage roiled within me. My fingers drifted over the bandage across my ribs. “I’d sooner wish for death than go through this again.”

“Matthaya…”

“No!” I stood from Kathryn’s bed and glared at Maria, my hands curling into fists. “All of these years we have been friends and you have done nothing to discourage that. Now, you want me to send her away like
she
is a servant to be dismissed.” I unclenched my fists and took a deep breath. “I will do it if you ask. But, I will do it
my
way. Kathryn is a delicate creature, and if you force her against her will, there will be more blood on your hands than merely my own.”

Her eyes grew wide. “Matthaya!?”

I knew Kathryn well enough to know that I spoke the truth.

“I will do it soon,” I added. “But you will leave us be until then.”

I bowed only halfway this time. My head lowered and we locked cold stares.

“Good day, Milady.”

SEVERAL DAYS HAD PASSED,
and Kathryn and I did not discuss what had happened between us. And, despite my warnings, it seemed Maria was keeping a close eye on my every move.

She
would
leave us be.

I slipped Raven’s bridle down over his ears and tightened the straps beneath his chin and throat. I gave his neck a gentle stroke and spoke softly to the incredible beast.

He was a beautiful, strong Friesian horse, midnight black with a glossy sheen in the sunlight, and Kathryn’s
prize since he had been broken to ride several years ago. Lord Shallon often used his horses for hunting, but Raven was reserved only for his daughter’s pleasure.

A muffled snort pressed into my shoulder as his head r
ubbed against me eagerly. The long tufts of fur at his hooves
flickered in the straw as he twitched with anticipation.

“Calm down, boy.” I patted him on his neck. He pulled
and tugged excitedly at his bridle as I opened the stable door
to lead him out.

He had been left in my care—as all the horses had been—
and I could read his movements better than anyone in the
manor. I’d been working with him since he was a colt. Raven
was a magnificently powerful creature and we had grown close
throughout the years.

I took hold of his mane in one hand and vaulted up onto his back.

“Kathryn!”

She pulled her window drapes aside and glanced down at me from her window.

The shutters flung open and she rushed out onto her balcony.

“What are you doing, Matthaya?” she asked, resting her
hands on the patio banister and peering over the edge at me.
Excitement sparkled in her eyes.

Raven’s reins were tight in my other hand, but he would hardly stand still. I stretched out an arm toward her and called out again.

“Kathryn, come!”

She disappeared from the banister and reappeared around
the back of the manor, trotting toward me with the skirt of her dress hiked up to her ankles and the pleats bunched in her hands.

“Where are you taking Raven?” she asked, teasing the end of his snout with her fingers. He flapped his lips happily at her.

“The same place I am taking you,” I replied flatly. “We must speak—in private.”

Her eyes narrowed. “In private?” Her words echoed mine and her voice became hushed. “Do
they
know you’re doing this?”

I didn’t have to look up to know Maria was watching us from her bedroom window as we spoke.

“They know enough, yes.” I slid back on Raven just enough to make room for her.

I bent down and stretched my arm out to help pull Kathryn up and in front of me. She grabbed his mane and tossed her other leg over. Her dress draped across Raven’s withers and her bare ankles dangled in front of mine. She passionately hated to ride like a
lady
—sidesaddle. This way made the trip much easier, though, since I wouldn’t have to hold so tightly to her when we picked up pace.

“Where are we going?” Kathryn asked, twisting around and leaning back just enough to meet my eyes.

I tightened my grip on the reins and pressed my forearms closer to her waist as I squeezed my heels inward, asking Raven to speed up into a swift trot. His body was strong as a wolf’s, but his fluid gait was smooth and pleasant.

Past a few acres of grass and fence line, we came upon a clearing just behind a row of trees that bordered the back of the property. By the look of the tall underbrush, the land
had not been touched for some time. I guided Raven through
the forest maze and into a shallow clearing not far in. There, I dismounted and helped Kathryn down.

In every direction, there were trees and leaves blocking most of the view, and I finally felt secure enough to tell Kathryn what I had to say.

She smoothed her dress down her knees, knelt down onto the ground, and picked a small bunch of wildflowers from the grass. She tucked one into the crease behind her ear and turned back toward me with a smile.

Enchanting as a forest sprite.

The colorful accent brought out her innocence… and beauty.

We had
almost
kissed the other day, and now the mere th
ought of her sent quivers of agony through my veins. What
restraint I had to maintain around her! She was the first thought in my mind each time I awoke
, and catching a glimpse of her devilish smile left my lips moist with
the memory of hers so fatefully close to mine. Kathryn didn’t deserve the sinful visions I had recently begun having of her.

And yet, she teased me again and again with her charm. She feared nothing and I feared
everything
.

She remained blind to the impossible nature of our relationship and I despised that.

“What did you want to tell me, Matthaya?” She came closer and brought a hand to my face. I took a step back to avoid her touch.

She pursued.

“You can run from me all you like,” she said with a sly grin, making a quick and careful move closer. “But it will not change the way I now feel about you.”

The sting of my wounds reminded me of the consequences of our relationship and the last thread of my nerves collapsed in the wake of her fantasies.

“Kathryn, no!” I grabbed her forearms and shook her. She gasped and I had to assure myself that my violent intentions were noble.

“Matthaya? Wh-what are
you doing?” Her eyes widened, the blue irises swallowed up by frightened
, black pupils.

“You cannot say such things!” I tried to make my voice gruffer and my grasp on her firmer. “You don’t know how hard it is. What a struggle it is to contain the horrible things
my body craves. What sins I imagine against my will—things
I have no right to consider.”

“God would not have given us hearts if he did not want them to love,” she said, trying to smile through her discomfort. My grasp on her weakened. “And he would not have sparked a fire inside you without a purpose for its warmth.”

She was right, no less, but I doubted she fathomed the heat of that fire.

“Kathryn… I am no longer a child,” I said, unable to keep
my voice harsh as I faded into the depths of her azure eyes. “I am becoming a man.” The delicate and soft lace of her dress tickled my fingertips. “And with that progression… the needs and desires of my body have become… undeniable.” My hand slid down her arm and to the side of her waist. “I fear that I will gain no further satisfaction from a childish friendship alone, and the thought of it blackens my soul. This must end, for your own good.”

Kathryn’s eyes closed. She heaved a sigh and slowly
reopened them. She brought her hands to my neck and walked
her fingers along the brims of my shoulders. I released her completely.

She pressed her body against mine, and an airy kiss against my throat paralyzed me. She combed her nails through my hair and I became breathless in her hands—a slave to the angelic touch of her slender fingers.