Dark Diary (9 page)

“I, too, am no longer a child, Matthaya.” There was an edge of rebellion in her voice. “I have felt the very same desires you speak of.” Her hands trailed the ridge of my collar as she spoke.

I swallowed hard.

“I know what it is you want, and if you are so eager to consummate this…
childish
friendship
… then let us do so.”

“No.” I veered away, trying to shake the overwhelming sensations raging through me.

It was wrong in a thousand ways and I could not stand the thought. I would not tarnish the innocence of a woman I could never rightfully call my wife.

“You cannot ask me to come and take you for myself, when I’ve not even the very basic right of a man to court you properly.”

“Perhaps not.” She walked in front of me and pressed an open hand over her heart. “But you do have the right as a man to love me. And if you feel the way I do then let us banish this fear you have.” Her eyes scanned the ground and returned to me. “Now.”

My lips curled with disgust.

“
And your God will watch us burn for our sins.” I scoffed.
“After your father is through with us both. You are not ready for this.”

“Neither are you.”

She was right. Still, I could not disregard the purpose of our meeting.

“You’re changing the subject,” I said, resorting to a huskier tone. “I cannot have you and, therefore, I-I…” I cleared my throat. “And, therefore, I do not want you.”

Kathryn tipped her head and shadows cast by the trees overhead darkened her eyes. “Then no one will have me,” she said, bending over to reach a hand down to her ankle. She pulled a small silver dagger out from under her dress and held out her other wrist.

“Kathryn!?”

“You will not reject me, Matthaya,” she seethed. “You will not reject me because of fear, and if you wish to pretend there is some other reason, then I insist you hold your tongue.”

The dagger shook in her grasp. She then pressed it into the milky flesh of her wrist and cried out a muffled groan as the tip of the blade pierced her skin.

“Kathryn, no!” I dashed to her side as her knees hit the ground. She hadn’t the nerve to go any further and released the dagger.

That single drop of blood was all it took to break my heart.

A heaving sigh pooled in her breast and she wept.

I picked up the dagger and tossed it behind us, out of her reach.

Her body shook and she gasped small breaths, as tears poured from her eyes.

I gently lifted her wrist and pressed my thumb against the incision, applying slight pressure to stop the bleeding.

“Can we not be together?” Her weakened voice was nearly
inaudible.

“Even if your father does not kill both of us, we will still
lose everything. We are not at liberty to choose our own paths.
And you… you should not do these things because of me.” I caressed her palm and kissed the inside of her wrist before letting go of her hand. The bleeding had ceased.

“To say that I do not feel the same passion for you as you feel for me would be a lie.” I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and pulled her trembling body close to my chest. “But to say that I do not fear the consequences would also be false.” I kissed the top of her head. “I have known for so long that it would someday come to this. That someday, we would have to confront the curse of our friendship.”

Her eyes came up toward mine and her shimmering red curls parted to the sides of her face.

“I would give up everything for you,” she uttered.

“You… would?”

She took a deep, congested breath and cleared her throat.
“I know you can do many things I cannot, and you may think I am naive, but I
want
to learn from you. I
want
to be part of you and I am willing to share the hardships that you face each day in order to do that.” She wiped the remaining tears from her cheeks and swept her hair behind her shoulder. “I
must
be with you. We can lie to ourselves and to others, but the connection between you and I will never fade. It is irreplaceable, and it is as sacred today as it was the day you arrived here.”

Her words were beyond her years.

“You would renounce the life you have now, just to be with me?”

She brought her fingers to my face and forked them lovingly through my hair.

“Matthaya, I would give up my entire world to be with you,” she said with an earnest smile.

I wanted to believe her.

“They will never accept us,” I said, sighing. At that
point,
I realized that I could no longer deny myself the touch I longed
for. I did want Kathryn. I needed her and she needed me, too.

I hugged her again and savored the warm, rosy scent of her. She pressed her palms to my chest and rested her head
against me. I moved a tousle of her hair to the side and kissed
her neck.

She gasped.

That tiny breath of surprise from her lips intrigued me an
d seduced my senses in an instant. The sweet, delicate taste
of her skin filled me with impulses I had never before experienced. There was newfound strength in the quickening of her heartbeat and my body pulsed with the thrill of finally having Kathryn in my arms—alone and utterly mine.
A second kiss to the base of her neck made her fingers twitch
and move to the sides of my body, searching for a place to rest.

I brought my hand up to cup Kathryn’s cheek and noticed
a striking peacefulness fill her eyes. There was a flutter in my stomach and my heart raced as I gravitated closer to her. It was want, need, instinct—whatever you want to call it—and it drew me into the beauty and softness of Kathryn’s lips.

Her lashes lowered and I kissed her.

My fingers wove into the back of her hair, pulling her
closer and deeper into me. A warm, contented breath escaped
her mouth and caressed my lips. To breathe in and taste that yearning sigh of hers was heaven.

It was as if I knew exactly how to kiss her and she knew exactly how to be kissed by me. I’d fantasized about it for so
long that it was strangely natural between us. Our lips moved in
a unique and distinct rhythm that was anything but awkward.

Her arm quivered slightly, growing weaker from the weight she had been resting on it. The flowerbed of the clearing beneath us was soft, so I carefully drew her hand
up and let her lie back onto the grass. With both of her hands
on my neck and her nails still combing through my hair, my mind grew cloudy and overwhelmed, and I leaned down to kiss her again.

I wanted to stay there forever—to feel her breath mingle with mine and share with her a kiss that would atone for all that I had withheld. Kathryn’s restless fingers wandered to
the middle of my collar where she untangled the leather threads so she could slide her hand between them and touch
my skin. She tried to grasp my shoulder, but released me as a quiet grunt of pain welled in my throat. The wounds were healing, but still tender.

She pulled her hand away, but I took it into my own and entwined my fingers with hers as I pressed her arm back down into the grass. The fingers of my other hand traced her collarbone and she closed her eyes beneath me.

The sun’s rays sprinkled through the trees and reflected off the small gold cross that hung on a fine chain around her
neck. Rose blush colored her cheeks and tinted the skin across
her chest at the brim of her dress. Her beauty was breathtaking. Captivating.

“It is nice to see you smile,” she said, opening her eyes and letting her fingers tighten around mine. “I had once thought you couldn’t because you never did.”

“You have always made me happy, Kathryn,” I said, kissing
her forehead. “It was the fear of that happiness that made it appear otherwise.”

I rolled over to the side and then lay back. She followed, curling up close to my ribs while my arm closed around her and pulled her in even nearer. It was uncomfortable to be on my back, but holding her made me happily endure the pain.

We shared a peaceful sigh and watched as the branches overhead rustled in the wind. Every breath filled me with a force that left me comforted, whole, and never wanting to leave that splendid place.

Raven was a few meters away, munching happily at a patch of clover, completely ignorant of our secret.

Kathryn was motionless in my arms for some time. The minutes ticked by and evening threatened us. I nudged her gently and helped her to her feet.

As I laced up my shirt, she remained steadfast in thought
and fell very quiet. I approached her from behind and rested my arms around her shoulders.

“This love can only flourish if kept secret.” My lips touched
the edge of her ear. “Until the time comes, it must be this way. The world is not yet ready for us.”

“I understand,” she replied, her eyes fixated on the nothingness in the distance.

I BRUSHED HER HAIR TO
the side and kissed the nape of her neck. She flinched, just as I had predicted she would, and my hands slid across her back until my fingers could take gentle hold of her shoulders. Pressed close to me, I felt her chest rise and fall with a contented sigh, and I couldn’t help but smile.

“It’s beautiful,” she said, placing her palms onto the banister and leaning forward. “Isn’t it?” I imagined the morning
light reflecting in the ocean of her eyes as they glistened in awe at the sunrise.

“Never as beautiful as you,” I replied, walking my fingertips across her shoulders and down to the hollow of her throat.

From Kathryn’s bedroom balcony, we could watch the day awaken in peace. The rest of the manor did not stir until just after light and we secretly found time together in the
very early hours of morning. We kept our distance and spoke little
to one another during the day. This is how it had been for many months, and it would remain so until we could find another way.

My fingers tangled in her necklace chain and I caught the cross charm between my thumb and index finger. She’d had it since I had known her and I knew she had devout faith in it, as I had never seen her without it. Recalling little conviction from childhood, I’d harbored my own doubts about God. With no other defense to support my decision to love Kathryn, I eventually gave in to her beliefs. I needed to believe that someone or something could help us.

“You are my sun, Kathryn,” I continued in a quiet voice, my fingers tracing the thin chain around her neck.

These simple moments were worth the world to us, and I cherished every second of her presence. She had selflessly spoken to me of love many times over the past weeks, but I could do no more than listen. I loved her with all my heart and soul. I would have died for her, and no doubt killed for her, as well. All she had to do was ask and I would obey. Yet, I could not release myself from my final inhibition. I would not seal her fate with my words. She knew this but did not enforce the same restraint upon her own lips. I struggled to bite my tongue when all I desired was to fill her with promises of devotion and happiness.

The future was so very uncertain.

We had discussed many ideas, conjured up a dozen plots and possibilities, but none of them seemed feasible in the end. There was one option—in the very back of my mind—that begged for my attention, but I could not yet bring myself to make the sacrifice it required. Kathryn knew nothing of it, and I would keep it that way until the time was right.

Kathryn had even inquired about marriage, which I knew
she longed for more than anything. All I could do was promise and swear myself to remain bound to her regardless of when (and
if
) the church would sanctify such a thing.
I, too, wanted nothing more than to lawfully call her my wife.

Whatever she wanted with me at this hour, her request that I come to her was beyond reason—and meant nothing good,
I was certain
. Still, I went to her. I went to her as I
always
did and
always
would.