Dark Love (The Two Sides of Me Book 3) (18 page)

“No, not at all. You’re my wife, and I adore you, Mia, I cherish you, I would never hurt you intentionally. I used to be a monster to the women I was involved with. I never had feelings for any of them. I used them up and threw them away. Except Cameron, she was different.”

A pang of jealousy stabs me in the chest. I feel stupid having feelings like this towards a dead woman!”

“How was she different?” I’m curious;
even if it hurts I need to know. He tucks a wild stray of hair behind my ear and traces my jaw with his finger until he reaches my mouth where he stills on my bottom lip before dropping his hand with a thump onto the bed.

“I raised Cameron; I was a sort of father figure to her until…until she fell in love with me. I’ve told you before, I should have never touched her, but she disobeyed me so entirely; I went crazy. I wasn’t used to anyone challenging me. No one would dare question me in business, and my subs, of course, were always compliant with my rules.”

“Subs?” I’m pretty sure I know what he means, but I want him to explain it to me anyway.

“Submissive, a person who gives up control in return for protection and shelter. Or that’s how I saw it then, and I mistreated them terribly. Having that kind of power with my old personality was a dangerous combination.”

“You had slaves…”

“I guess you could say that. They did anything I wanted, and I punished them when they didn’t.”

“You don’t feel that way now, do you? I mean is it something you need?” I’m internally having a little panic attack. I would have never guessed this about him before his surgery.

“The only thing I need is you, baby. If you want to play and explore in the bedroom, I would love that but if not, I’m perfectly content with what we have now. Perfectly.”

I puff out my cheeks in relief. “Did you ever wonder why my restaurants and clubs were named Dominus?” I blink several times remembering the moment when I searched the internet, stalking my then unknown patient.

“It crossed my mind for a second when I first heard it; I thought it was a funny coincidence.”

“No coincidence, the clubs promote the lifestyle.”

I let that sink in a little; he’s filthy rich because of BDSM. Shit, how do I feel about that? The food he serves is out of this world fantastic though, he would have been successful with that alone, but still.

“I married a sadist?” He looks at me with lazy eyes; the pain medication is kicking in.

“What do you think, baby? Am I a sadist?”

“Well, no, not the man I know.”

“There you go then.” I lower myself back to the pillow and turn to spoon with him while he sleeps. Lord knows I’m not going to be able to now; my mind is conjuring up all sorts of images and scenes. I’m glad his heart isn’t set on me being a submissive; I don’t think I have it in me. My past haunts me still. I’m lightyears beyond where I ever expected to be with Evan, but it’s all still there, occupying its own little corner of my mind, as it always will be.

It’s four a.m. I can see the time reflected onto the ceiling by the clock on the table of Evans side of the room. I’m laying here exhausted but unwilling to move from his arms for my sleeping pills. I’ve let my mind wander all night about Evan’s past, the way he lived his life before his accident, the things he did with women, to them.

At first, I couldn’t imagine him that way but after a while of deep contemplative thought I realized he exhibits many traits of a dominant personality. He’s bossy for one, something I rather like most of the time. And he has no personable manners, he apologizes for nothing, thanks no one for anything, expects nothing less than perfection and complete loyalty. He likes to lead in the bedroom, another thing I’m partial to, maybe I am more submissive than I thought? Well, it doesn’t matter; I’m not labeling what we have, other than being bound by God and law.

After mulling Evan’s past for hours, I switch to imagining our future together and the wedding that he owes me. Since I was essentially tricked into marriage, even though I would have gone willingly, I want a ceremony. Nothing lavish, just close friends and family, at the house in Seattle maybe, in the garden this spring. It’s a perfect place with flowers that don’t have to be bought because they grow there, a path to walk down to a beautiful gate to stand in front of.

Although I’m not sure I can say my vows out loud standing next to that gate, the thought of Evan fucking me against the cold wrought iron bars in the cold fall of last year might be slightly distracting.

I smile into the darkness and switch gears several more times, I think of the kittens, my problems with Isaac and Mr. Saint, how easy it is to be taken care of by Cecelia. I’ve gone through each of my friends’ lives and realized how out of touch I am with all of them.

Thoughts of Cameron and how Evan raised her and then punished her for being independent and for loving him are the ones that surprisingly disturb me the most. I felt jealousy earlier but with more consideration, I feel sorry for her. He was the only male role model in her life, and he’s more beautiful than any dad I can imagine. I’d be shocked if she hadn’t fallen for him. But his life was nothing to model her own after, other than being well educated and successful in business, Evan was most likely poison for her.

And now she’s dead, killed in an accident with him, her last thoughts must be of him, her last visions of him. It’s fitting since she lived most of her life trying to fit into his life where there was no spot. He loved her, though. I can feel it, enough to pick her up off the street and encourage her to make something of herself. He is full of so much guilt and regret for manipulating her into loving him as more than a father and then smashing her hopes into smithereens. Just one of the demons haunting him from his past, and now he remembers them all.

How odd it must be to know you were such a monster but to not actually
be
that person anymore. I’ve got to stop, no more thinking. I’m getting up; it’s almost time for more meds anyway. I tense my shoulders and slowly turn to my back trying to shrink away from his heavy arm, he doesn’t move so I scoot out from under it and stand next to the bed stretching and waiting for my blood to flow to every numb area before I take a step and fall flat on my face from a limb that’s gone to sleep. I learned that lesson the hard way.

I have to pee so I pad into the bathroom and close the door leaving it open a crack. When I’m done, I have about fifteen or twenty minutes before his meds are due, I should go check on the kittens. I have no idea where they’ve been, surely they haven’t given them full reign of the house, and they could get lost and starve to death! When my hand turns the knob, I jump at the sound of Evans gruff voice.

“See why I need the handcuffs?” Dropping my head back and look at the ceiling I don’t turn to face him.

“I was coming right back.”

“That’s not the point, baby. I don’t want you to leave in the first place.”

“I had to go to the bathroom.”

“And you did, right before you almost took off again.” Now I turn to him.

“Where are the kittens?” I ask,

“Don’t change the subject.”

“I’m not! That’s where I was going, to find them. Why aren’t they in our room?”

“Cecelia grew fond of them while we were away; she wanted to keep them in her room for a night.”

“Oh.” Well, that solves that, but I still have an urge to be up and about.

“So if all of your curiosities have been satisfied you’re coming back to bed, right?” I flop my arms at my sides in frustration.

“I haven’t slept; I’m restless, and you need your meds.” I deflate, and he considers me thoughtfully.

“You need a vacation.”

“Huh?”

“A vacation, you’ve been working night and day taking care of me, cooped up in hospital rooms and bedrooms with nothing to stimulate your mind. I’ll have Isaac make plans.”

“You can’t travel yet, doctors’….”

“Yes yes, doctors’ orders.” He interrupts me “I’ve heard you say that before. Have you forgotten what we did a few hours ago right here in this bed? That was against doctors’ orders too, and I’m still alive.”

“Yea well we got lucky, and you were in pain after.”

“I’ll let you in on a little secret, baby,” he says while he sits up bending his knees and crossing his arms across the top of them. “I’ve had a headache for years, not a day has gone by that I haven’t had to deal with pain. So I’ll trade the pleasure of fucking you for a headache any day of the week.”

What am I supposed to say to that? “Yea but…”

“No buts, grab my meds and your sleeping pills. We need to rest up for our vacation. Chop chop!”

Fucking hell he’s manipulative. I stomp to the dresser and drop his pills into a med cup and shake mine into my hand before returning to bed.

“Can we take the kittens? On our vacation?” He drops me into a hot volcano of lust with his smirk and a wink, fuck.

“Of course, whatever you want, baby. The little furballs will go too.” Smiling I crawl across to him and pass him a bottle of water, we medicate, and we sleep. Mine is an empty dreamless and peaceful sleep but in the morning I can tell his wasn’t.

When I wake the next afternoon, the duvet is on the floor, and the sheets are a tangled mess around his legs. I’ve been left with no covers at all curled up in a ball in the center of the huge bed. Evan is sprawled everywhere, his forehead covered with a thin layer of perspiration one hand gripping the sheet even in his sleep. The sunlight glimmers off of the handcuffs still dangling from the headboard making me feel guilty for allowing things to get out of hand last night.

Now something’s wrong, I’ve never known him to have nightmares, or to be restless in his sleep. He wasn’t the best sleeper before but when he finally allowed himself to he slept undisturbed. I reach out to feel his forehead; he’s burning up and murmuring something, but I can’t understand him. I scurry off the bed and open the wardrobe for a sweatshirt and some jeans. When I’m dressed, I turn, and he’s moved to the center where I just abandoned my spot as if he sensed more space to fidget in.

“Evan, hey, can you open your eyes?” I kneel in the bed next to him getting no understandable response just senseless gibberish. Shit, I need a thermometer and some medical supplies so I can start an IV, and I need to call Dr. Carmichael. The mini hospital, it has everything I need, but I hate to leave him.

Grabbing my phone without a thought I automatically dial Isaac and as always he answers on the first ring. “Mia?”

“Isaac, where are you? Something is wrong with Evan, and I need some things to start an IV.” I say a little more frantically than I meant to.

“I’m here already. I know what you need, call the doctor and I’ll bring you the IV stuff.”

“Ok. Isaac?”

“Yea?”

“Hurry.” I hang up and go to the bathroom to soak some towels in cool water and return to pack them around his body. I have to get his temp down. I’m wringing out the water from the towels when I see Isaac in the reflection of the mirror, he breezes into the room with a duffle bag and dumps it on the bed, immediately scooping Evan under the shoulders and behind the knees he places him back on the pillows, so he’s propped up.

“Evan, Evan... open your eyes.” He gently shakes him and pats his cheek trying to get a response, but Evan only moans, his head lolls to one side.

“Here. He’s burning up put these on him.” I say bringing him wet towels. Isaac is completely focused on Evan not even glancing at or speaking to me he grabs the towels and places them on his legs, neck and under his arms.

I unzip the duffle and hand him a thermometer while I grab tubing and fluids for an IV. “104 degrees and his respirations are 110; he’s septic, Mia, we have to get him out of here.”

Shit! How could I let this happen? “Let’s start with this.” I hold up the IV bag “And then move him to his hospital set up downstairs and call Dr. Carmichael, I know he doesn’t want to go back to the hospital, if we have a chance to fix this here we have to try. Here’s my phone, look up the doctor and call him while I do this.”

“Ok. You sure Mia, we shouldn’t just call an ambulance?”

“No, I’m not sure but I know he’ll kill us both if we don’t try it here first.” He nods and steps back from the bed to make the call while I hang the bag of fluid from the bedpost, and I notice the handcuffs again, shit! There’s no way Isaac could have missed that, now he’s going to know Evan, and I have been pushing our limits, going against doctors’ orders, putting Evan’s life in danger.