Dark Love (The Two Sides of Me Book 3) (2 page)

It wasn’t real. Oh, God, thank you! It wasn’t real. We’re still here, both of us. I look over and there he is, lying as still as always but alive, still alive. I pull the sheet around me and struggle from the cot and into his bed, the need to feel his warmth is
immense and the magnetic pull between us is as strong as ever. I know the nurses will be pissed, but I don’t give a shit, I slip in next to him avoiding all the monitors and ventilator.

When I’m next to him I pull his hospital gown up on the side I’m nearest to and open the sheet I’m wrapped in, unbutton my nightshirt and press against his skin. Sliding my hand across his abdomen slowly I inhale his scent deeply. I never want to be without this; his warm skin, his unique smell, his heart beating under my cheek.

The nightmare I just had was so real, so detailed it’s hard to believe it was only a dream. I know in detail how unbearable it would be to lose my husband. That damn dream continues to haunt me over and over, each time becoming more realistic.

If I could have anything I wanted in the world, one wish, it would be for Evan to wake up and be the man I love. But if he doesn’t, I will accept that over the alternative a million times over. As long as he’s here, and I can still see him, touch him, talk to him, I’ll survive.

As I lay there listening to the soft hum of the ventilator and the beeping of his heartbeat on the monitor, I allow myself to daydream about the way it could be if Evan woke up, had surgery and remained permanently
my
Evan. We could travel, have a real wedding, a long luxurious honeymoon, go home to Seattle where I could work part-time in the ICU, spoil my husband, love my kitties, have family get together, set Isaac up with Lilly, well I’m not positive about that one but maybe.

Just as I’m drifting off with visions of miniature Evans and baby strollers, a nurse walks in and stops abruptly at the edge of the bed when she sees me snuggled with him.

I’m fully awake now looking across at her; I wait for a disapproving look, but it never comes. Instead, her big brown eyes are full of understanding, and she smiles, just a small one but it’s there, and I know I’ve found my favorite Italian nurse. A lot can be said with a look or a lack thereof and this woman understands my needs, her eyes speak to me.

I returned the sentiment with my own tiny smile, and a silent relationship is born. Her name badge says
Mona
, I tuck that away in my memory as my eyelids begin to slide shut; but before I fall to sleep again, I softly thank her using one of the few but important words in Italian that I have learned.

“Grazie, Mona.” I listen while she quietly changes his IV bag. When she is gone, the soft click of the door closing allows me to totally relax and enjoy the closeness.

Thankfully, I sleep two more hours in peace. Before I’m fully awake, I slide my bare leg between Evan’s and softly moan, running my fingers along the top of his boxers. I remember where we are. but before I pull away, I’ve gone far enough to realize one of my favorite parts of my husband is functioning this morning.

Hmmm, I wonder what’s going on in that mind of his, humph, it better be me. I lay my hand over him, unmoving, and tilt my face up to his.

“Good morning, husband. Do you feel me? I wish you would come back to me. I’m missing you so much.” When I move my hand away, I prop up on one elbow next to him. “You know it’s been far too long now, we need to go home. Home to Seattle. I miss my family, and it’s Christmas tomorrow. Are you going to make me miss the holiday with my family because you’re messing around in a coma?”

My question is answered with silence as usual, and I drop my chin to my chest momentarily sighing, but I’m no quitter, so I keep up the one-sided chit chat, his brain needs stimulating. I don’t want him getting static. I give him a little dose of guilt every day along with a strict talking to about wasting our time, but so far, it’s not working. I button up my shirt and slip from the bed leaning over to kiss his cheek. I want to kiss his lips, but the ventilator continues to hold them hostage. After I dress and pull my messy tangled hair into a knot at the back of my neck, I tend to Evan, positioning him slightly on his side, brushing his hair away from his face. He needs a haircut, but we will worry about that when he wakes up. I wash his face and change his hospital gown, I gave him a full bath yesterday; today I’ll just spruce him up.

Tomorrow is Christmas. I’ll make sure he’s his normal beautiful groomed self for the holiday. Maybe Nurse Mona will be here and let me dress him in normal street clothes, just for the day. I’ll have to get my translating app pulled up on my phone to ask her.

When I’m finished, I pull out my iPad and choose a playlist I know he loves and turn it on, Jocelyn Pook’s voice fills the room, raspy and beautiful. She sings a classical rendition of Romeo and Juliet. I’ll have breakfast while he listens and then I’ll look up the news online and read to him about what’s happening in the world, what he’s missing. I usually give him a break after that and do some of my own reading, lunch, more chatting and usually a visit from Gabriella, Simone, Isaac and occasionally Mr. Saint and Cecelia stop to see him as well. This has become our daily routine for the past ten days or so. It gets lonely talking all the time with no response, but after last night’s dream, I know it could be so much worse.

“Knock knock.”

“Oh hey, Gabriella. You’re early today.” Gabriella stands in the door of Evan’s room arms loaded with gifts. “What’s all this?”

“Oh you know, I just did a little shopping. Christmas is tomorrow. If you left the hospital for 10 minutes, you’d know that, or if you watched the news.” She huffs and rolls her eyes.

“I can’t leave him, and I read the news to Evan every day. I know it’s Christmas, it just doesn’t feel right celebrating. When Evan wakes up, we can have a big holiday dinner with a tree and my family…”

I know what she’s thinking, I can see it all over her face and she knows she better not ever say it out loud in front of me. Evan
is
coming home, soon, and we
are
having a big, no make that an enormous tree and we will all sit down and eat turkey together. We will. She sighs and begins to unload the things from her arms onto the counter.

“I’ve got to run back outside and get the rest of it.”

“There’s more? It’s only the four of us, why so much stuff?”

“It’s not just the four of us, Mia. Mr. Saint
and Cecelia are coming tomorrow, too.”

“Oh, well ok then.”

“Why don’t you come and help me carry them in?” I stop eating the rubber eggs I ordered from the hospital menu, fork in midair. I look at her and try to convey the importance of my not leaving Evan’s side.

“I promised him.”

“I know, honey, but it’s not healthy for you to be holed up in this room twenty-four seven. It’s only for a couple minutes, and the fresh air will do you good.” Now I place my fork on my plate; I’m not hungry anymore. She doesn’t understand, nobody understands.

“No,” I answer simply, and she turns on her heel to go, leaving me feeling guilty and angry.

“Buongiorno, Señora Lawson.” Nurse Mona enters the room to do round on Evan. That’s the first time someone has addressed me as Mrs. Lawson. Even if it is in Italian, I’m speechless. None of the nurses attempt to talk to me, and obviously they don’t have to talk to Evan, so there’s been no reason for anyone to use my new title or name. I wonder how Mona found out we were married anyway?

I find my voice finally and return the greeting, “Good Morning, Mona.”

While she checks his vital signs and does her assessment, she eyes me occasionally, once glancing toward my iPad, nodding her head up and down as if she’s approving of my music choice. I smile, and so does she. Mona has one of those warm maternal smiles that reaches her eyes. It’s genuine, and I love it. She makes me feel welcome in this unfriendly foreign place. Evan’s former reputation as always precedes him, and no one has been anything more than clinical, they do what they are required to do and leave. I’m alright with that as long as they are doing everything they can to make him better and wake him up. They can ignore me all day long and leave the daily care and TLC to me, I don’t really mind.

Mona is different, though. I haven’t seen her in the 10 days I’ve held vigil at Evan’s bedside. Maybe she was on holiday? I watch her work, and I like her gentle bedside manner. She’s also a classic Italian beauty, long silky black hair tied back neatly in a ponytail, tall and curvy, late thirties probably. Surprisingly, no wedding ring though, but then again she may not wear it to work, many nurses don’t. When she finishes with him, she rounds the bed towards me and points to my tray asking without words if I’m finished and I nod yes. She scoops it up and glides out of the room silently in her comfy nursing shoes. I miss my nursing tennis shoes sometimes.

Actually, I really miss my job, my family, home…my husband. Nobody wants to come to a pity party, so I shove my wants and needs aside it’s all about Evan right now, not me. Gabriella returns and I help her arrange the obscene amount of gifts under a little artificial Christmas tree that she brought to decorate the room earlier in the week.

“There, now we’re ready. I have a surprise for you, Mia; actually it was Evan’s surprise before…well before we ended up here.”

“Yeah? What is it?” She bites her lip and does a little hop once in place with excitement, clasping her hands in front of her chest. “Well, come on Gabby, what is it?” Her excitement is contagious; this must be a really good surprise.

“Your family is coming here, tonight, for Christmas! He didn’t want you to be without them.” My family? Here?

“He’s been planning it for a while, all of them are coming, your Mom and Dad, your sister and her husband and kids.” Everyone? My God this man of mine is simply incredible. Even now, he’s reaching out to touch my heart with his actions, loving me in just the way I need,
giving me
exactly what I need when I need it.

I step around the plethora of gifts and stand at his side taking his hand in both of mine I lean and brush my lips against his ear softly and thank him. “Thank you, baby, for bringing Christmas to me. I love you so damn much, every fiber of my being, every cell of my body adores you. Now if you want to make me the happiest woman on the planet please give me the greatest Christmas gift, the only thing I really want, and come back to me.” With that, I kiss a trail from his ear to his forehead and brush a couple of wayward
locks away from his beautiful face. I attempt to smooth out a permanent frown line between his eyes with the pad of my thumb unsuccessfully and place one more kiss there between the eyes I long to see so badly. I’m over the moon that my family will be here tomorrow, but the only thing I want for Christmas is for my husband to wake up.

“You Save Me” by Kenny Chesney

“Shit, Gabby, I had all of my family’s gifts shipped to the States. Now everything will be there, and they’ll be here.” But as soon as I see the look on her face, I know something up. I give her a quizzical look turning my head to the side and ask “What?”

“Did you really think Evan would miss that little detail, Mia? He had those gifts diverted here the moment you purchased them online.” She is smiling such a mischievous smile. Part of me is a little put out with her smugness, but most of me sees it for what it is, her love for me and her brother. She’s happy that he can be so caring and considerate; something she probably didn’t ever think was possible.

“I don’t think you will ever fully know or appreciate what you’ve done for him, Mia. He was a completely different man before, he loves you so much, and you saved him.”

I look to Evan in his bed, arranged with pillows and slightly tilted to his side to keep the pressure off his back, the ventilator softly ticking with every breath it pumps into his lungs. “He saved me, too,” I say softly.

Gabriella reaches out across the couch and taking my hand she, squeezes it tight in a show of support and understanding. “Why weren’t you two close? I mean before the accident. You told me that the two of you hadn’t seen each other in years, and you live on opposite sides of the country.”

She looks away hesitantly before answering me, staring out into the hall. “Evan and I were as close as siblings could be when we were little. We leaned on each other and provided each other with a comfort that no one else could, except Aunt Sophia. But she couldn’t be there all the time. When our mother attacked us that night, he began to change. I mean who wouldn’t be affected by their mother trying to kill you and your sister, and nearly accomplishing it? But it was more than that.”