Dark Universe (17 page)

“Yea, let’s go.” 

Its freezing cold and we can’t go very far, but as soon as I seat my horse, a sense of rightness sets in.  I didn’t realize how fucking badly I needed this.  Lola is smiling as we gallop across the pasture and I realize that I was totally wrong before.  The bedroom isn’t the only place she lets her walls down.  Right now, watching her, I feel that same desire to place the world at her feet.

We slow to a trot over by a cluster of pine trees and finally come to a halt.  Lola dismounts and grabs the water from her pack and throws an extra saddle blanket onto the melting snow. 
 
I leap down off my horse and join her.  For a few minutes we just sit in silence, watching the horses nibble on the grass peaking through and nuzzle each other between bites. 

“Isn’t it crazy, how simple things seem to be for them?”  Lola says, looking at Ruger and Taz.

“What do you mean?”  I ask, confused on where this is going, and why I haven’t gotten the third degree yet.

“They met, they fell in love, and that’s that.  No secrets or hidden agendas or stupid rules to get in the way.  They’re just together.  Fuck the rest of the world.”

I look over at the animals that do indeed seem to be in love, and then back at Lola.  “I suppose our lives are much more complicated than that.  They eat, and run and shit, and yea… maybe they do love.  If life were that simple, then…”  I trail off, not sure where I was going with that.

“Then what?  Then you would be with me?  Then I would be with you?  You wouldn’t make love to me and then run off with no explanation except for some stupid note?”

“And there it is.”

Lola looks down at the ground and then shakes her head.  “Drake, I get it.  Believe me I’m the poster child for fucked up in the head when it comes to relationships, but I’ve seen my best friend over come shit I can’t even fathom, to be with the person she loves.  I’m not saying I want to marry you and be you’re happily ever after, but why can’t we just be together?”

This is the conversation I wanted to spare her.  I never wanted her to know the truth, because no matter how she reacts, nothing good can come from it.  It’s obvious now that some things just can’t be avoided, no matter how hard I try.  Honestly, I’m sick of the world constantly being against me.

“We can’t be together because I’m not good enough for you!  Is that what you wanted to hear, Lola?  That I would totally ruin you if we were anything other than friends.”

“I can’t just be your friend, Drake.  I get the feeling you couldn’t just be mine either, so why don’t you explain.  Tell me why you think you know what’s good enough for me, and why you aren’t it?

I sigh wipe my hand down my face.  “You put on such a tough act, but that’s not really you.  You’re the kind of girl who takes in a stranger and puts a roof over his head.  You’re the kind of girl who cries for someone because you’re afraid they are hurting.  Not just emotionally but physically.  I’ve never once heard you talk about yourself, or what you want or what’s hurting you.  You’re selfless, and kind, and forgiving and sweet.  God, Lola.  You’re so damn sweet.” 

She stares at me for a few minutes before responding.  “That’s only because you can’t read my mind.  Trust me.  I’ve been extremely self centered these last few years.  I’m no saint, but that still doesn’t explain why you don’t think you deserve me.”

Fuck.  Please don’t hate me.
  “You know a little bit about my dad.  I told you I don’t have one.  That’s because I killed him.”  I glance up at her face, waiting for surprise, anger, disbelief, or fear to cross her face.  Surprise and sadness is all I see. 

“Tell me what happened.” She says softly, no judgment in her voice at all. 

“You already know how it was with him.  One day I came home from riding and he was sitting there in his chair, drunk and watching sports as usual.  My mom had just gotten done working a double shift and he got in her face because the beer was all gone.” 

Lola scoots towards me and grabs my hand, offering me comfort, just like the last time we were in this position.  “She refused to go get more because we only had enough to pay the rent.   I wasn’t fast enough to stop him, and he slapped her across the face.  He hit her so hard that she fell backwards and hit her head on the corner of the countertop and fell to the ground.”

“She didn’t get up and her head started bleeding.  I just snapped.  I don’t remember any of it.  I just remember the anger and swinging that first time.  Next thing I knew the police were dragging me off his unconscious body and the paramedics were there.”

“Oh, Drake.  That’s horrible.”  A tear slides down her cheek and I turn my head, unable to look her in the eye as I say this next part. 

  “Don’t feel sorry for me, Lola.  I wanted him dead.  I was sorry that he was able to walk out of there and my mom wasn’t.  I wished he was dead.”

“But I thought you said…”

“He did die; the next day.   Internal bleeding.  They said he didn’t have much time left anyway, because his liver was failing, but I beat him to it.  Literally.   Be careful what you wish for, right?  The worst part of it is, Lola...the reason I’m not good enough for you, is because I still wasn’t sorry for what I did.  I was shocked, and scared, but I never felt bad about it.  What kind of person does that make me?  How can I be with someone when that’s the kind of man I came from?  His blood flows through my veins, Lola!”  I move to stand but she puts her hands on my shoulders and pushes me down.

“I knew that there was something holding you back, but I had no idea.”  She says.  I bow my head still refusing to look her in the eye.  She’ll probably be nice about it, maybe even understanding because that’s just the type of female she is, but there is no way she’ll want to be with me now.  Especially knowing what I know about her brother.

“I knew that you had issues, and they probably revolved around your dad.  I knew that you didn’t think you could be with anyone…but I had no idea what a complete idiot you are.”  She says and my head snaps up.  I stare at her in total confusion and she smiles. 
She fucking smiles!
 

“Yea… well, I guess I’ll see you around then.”  I try to stand again but this time she shoves me back down and straddles my legs putting us only centimeters apart. 

“Shut up, dummy, and hold still.  Let me tell you how this goes from my point of view.  You were a little boy, who had been abused and put down his entire life by the one person who should build you up.  You saw your father hurt your mom one day, maybe even killed her, and you stepped in and protected her.  You stopped him from doing any more damage to her or, God forbid, to you.   He died as a result of
his
actions.  How many little kids could do that?  How many kids wouldn’t just hide in the corner and cry.  You’re a fucking hero, Drake, and you are so damn stupid for thinking that any of this would make me think differently about you.”

She smiles at me again and it tears through my insides.  The fact that she knows the absolute worst thing about me, and can still smile at me like that, like I’m her hero, rips me apart.  There really is only one thing I can do right now.  I stand up, pulling her with me, and then toss her over my shoulder and carry her back to the horses.  She laughs the whole way home.

CHAPTER 16

"There are only two things that are better than a gun: a Swiss watch and a woman from anywhere. Ever had a good... Swiss watch?"

- Red River

I’m shoveling shit much later than I’m used to; lately Lola’s been taking up all of my nights and mornings.  It’s damn near impossible to get out of bed these days.  I never expected to get this serious with anyone.  Hell, I even have a drawer at her apartment.  I haven’t slept in the loft once, since we decided to date again….well for the first time.  Even though the truth is we went on more dates when we were just fucking. I’ve seen a side of Lola that I never expected.  I knew she was passionate and playful, but she has this depth to her that’s so easy to fall into. 

I’ve been waiting for her to tell me how she feels in person, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to hear it.  Maybe that’s why she hasn’t, but I get the feeling she’s just as nervous as I am.  I just don’t know what I would say.  I don’t want to be that douche who just parrots back because it’s what she wants to hear.  Fuck that.  If I ever say those three words to her, it’ll be because I feel it unconditionally.  I want it to be real.

For the first time in a while, I’m beginning to think that things might work out.  My sister hasn’t called me, but I know she’s with him.  My mom calls to keep me updated every once in a while, and so far it seems he’s been keeping his hands to himself.  I’m just waiting for that phone call.  That’s the hardest part in all of this.  I just know, that sooner or later, the other shoe is going to drop, and I have no idea how it will pan out.  All I can do is pray it won’t affect my new relationship with Lola.  It’s the first good thing that’s happened to me in a long time.

Connor and Nina’s wedding is this weekend, and I’m actually looking forward to it.   Nina is knocked up and Connor refused to wait longer than a month to make it official. 
Guy has it bad. 
 I got the okay to take the monkey suit off for the reception, so that’s one big worry down, one to go.

Since Nina has always been a big part of the family, Lola’s parents will be there.  It’s going to be our first real outing as a couple since we’ve been cooped up in her apartment for the last week and a half.  I’m sure they’ve noticed, but neither one of them has said anything.  Her mom in particular has made it perfectly clear how she feels about us dating.

I asked Lola about it the other day, and as soon as I mentioned her mom, she got this crushed look on her face and changed the subject.  Eventually I’ll ask her about it, but I didn’t think it would be right to pry when things were going so smoothly.  She’ll tell me about it when the time is right.

“Hello, Mr. Thomas, uh…er… Drake? 
Speak of the fucking devil.

“Good afternoon, Mrs. Chase.   Is there anything I can help you with?” 
Please God, don’t want to talk about Lola.

“No, not really, I just wanted to speak you, if you have a minute.”

“I can spare some time.  What did you want to talk about, Ma’am?”

“I’m sure you already know the answer to that question.”  She says with a small smirk that makes her look a whole lot like Lola.  “And you don’t need to pull out the “Ma’am” for me, Son.”

I put my shovel down and pull my gloves off, then take a long swig of water from my canteen.  She holds the gate open for me and we make our way over to the heated tack room to have a seat.  “Okay, shoot,” I say and she chuckles softly. 

“I definitely see how you and my Lola hit it off.  She’s direct too.”  She sighs and slumps into her chair a little bit.  It’s then that I notice the dark circles under her eyes and her skin is slightly grey, giving her the look of a woman twice her age.

“Can I get you something, Mrs. Chase?  Are you feeling well?”  I offer, the gentleman my own mother ingrained in me coming to the forefront.

She smiles softly.  “No, thank you.  I actually need to apologize for a few things.  The way I have been acting towards you is atrocious, and I don’t have an excuse that I can give you at this time.” 
Well, this is…surprising.

“I understand.  You’re daughter is a very special woman, and with my background I’m sure it was a…er…shock…”

“No, no.  That’s exactly why I need to apologize to you.  I never meant that you weren’t somehow unworthy of Lola.  There are just some things that…I was so sure that the both of you would end up hurt.  Her father and I, we know a bit about what happened with your sister, and with what our son did…”  She trails off again, and although she’s being fairly vague I think I get the point she’s trying to make.

“Mrs. Chase…”

“Caroline,” she corrects with a small smile.

“Caroline, I don’t hold your daughter responsible for what her brother did; nor you or your husband.  And you definitely aren’t to blame for what happened to my sister, so you have nothing to worry about.”

Suddenly her face crumples and she chokes back a sob.  I move to see if she’s okay, and she waves me off with her hand.  “I’m fine; I’m just feeling terribly guilty…for the trouble I’ve caused you and my daughter.  I can tell that you make her happy.  In the long run, that’s all I want for her.”

“Me too, Caroline.  That’s all I want for her too.”

She stands and starts to walk out, but then turns and faces me.  “I don’t know if she’s told you, and I would never think to overstep my boundaries, but I have to know.  My daughter is in love with you, Drake.  I’ve never seen her like this.  I was wondering if you felt the same way.”

Fuck!
  Her daughter definitely gets her bluntness from her mother.  It’s funny how Lola doesn’t seem to think they are alike at all, and the woman in front of me might as well be an older copy.  “Honestly, Ma’am?  This is all very new to me too.  I know that I’ve never felt for anyone else what I feel for your daughter before, but since I haven’t told Lola if I love her yet, I don’t really feel comfortable telling you first.  It just wouldn’t be right.”

She smiles and grabs my hand.  “I think you’re a good match for my girl.  Be good to her, please.”

“I’ll do my best, Ma’am.”

“It’s Caroline, Drake.  I’ll see you at the wedding this weekend.”

I nod and hold the door for her.  She gets halfway through the door before she turns around.  “Oh, and I know exactly what’s going on over there at night, and you two are both consenting adults so I’ll keep my mouth closed except to say this.  If you get my daughter pregnant before you put a ring on her finger, I will cut your balls off and feed them to the hogs.  Have a nice day, Son.”

Oh yea…They aren’t alike at all.

“Drake THOMAS!!!!” 
Jesus! 
What the hell did I do wrong this time?  I get up from the couch and am bombarded by one hundred and fifteen pounds of very angry blonde dressed in the largest white robe I have ever seen.  “What the hell is the matter with you?!  Are you stupid?”