Darker Water (36 page)

“Wow,” I said to the crowd. “You’re all
pretty intimidating for a bunch of rich white guys and my
stepsister.” Anna seemed preoccupied with her phone. A few of the
others grinned, but not for long. They didn’t know why I’d gotten
everyone together, but they knew it wouldn’t be good news.

Before I could inflate my balls enough to say
what I needed to say, Hayden started talking.

“We all know my brother’s proclivity towards
screwing up, but what he is too stupid to understand is that he
isn’t the only one. Nor does he understand that his current
situation isn’t
his
screw-up.”

“How about you let the rest of us know what’s
going on?” Scott asked.

“Yeah,” I said. “How about you let
me
know what’s going on, too? But give me a second—I’m still trying to
figure out if that was a compliment or an insult.”

“A bit of both, but I’d say it definitely
leaned more towards an insult,” Hayden said before addressing the
people he was nice to. “All Kevin O’Leary wants is Carson’s apology
and a check. Unfortunately—”

“Wait! Who are we talking about?” Anna asked,
finally raising her head and feigning interest. Hayden sighed and
quickly filled her in on what had happened while she’d been playing
tackle football with an asshole, or whatever she did with her time
nowadays.

He talked and she listened without moving,
not even her eyes.

And fuck if I didn’t start thinking Hayden
had slipped something in my coffee, because suddenly I couldn’t
breathe. It had been years since I’d seen that look on Anna’s face,
not since her dad left Renee, and I’d watched him drag Anna off
like a suitcase, knowing what she was in for now that all her dad’s
attention would be on her.

Neither one of us had said anything back
then. Neither one of us said anything now.

When Hayden finally finished, Anna scooted
back in her chair.

Even though she spoke quietly and everyone
else was practically yelling, her voice was the only one I heard.
Because it was the most sincere I’d ever heard it. “So now you’re
going to leave?”

I shook my head. “Not leave, step down, so I
can’t—”

“Help those people. You can’t leave, Carson.
They need you.
I
need you.” She bit her lip, tears welling
in her eyes, completely ignoring everyone around us. “I am
sorry.”

Three words that could mean everything or
nothing, depending on what was behind them. This time, they meant a
shitload. Because I finally believed them.

“For so many things,” she said. The others
stopped speaking. “She’s really talented, you know… Laney, I mean.
I told some of my friends and they all want something by her now.
And I asked Third Street Gallery’s owner to take a look at her
stuff. I can’t make him take her on, but after what I did to you…to
her, I thought—”

“Thanks. She deserves a shot at something
great.”

She nodded. “So do you.”

“I had my shot at something
more
than
great, and I blew it, multiple times. All I want to do now is keep
everybody away from the wreckage.”

“What does her ex want?” she asked.

Hayden explained again, irritatedly, because
he was repeating everything he’d said a few minutes ago when she
hadn’t been listening. Until he got to Kevin’s threat.

“He what?” she snapped.

Hayden sighed. “He’ll claim that Carson
attacked him and Laney out of jealousy, if Carson doesn’t—”

She waved him off. Not a lot of people get
away with waving Hayden Bennett off.

“The rest doesn’t matter,” she said, shaking
her head. I’d never seen her look so intent, so infuriated.
“Nuh-uh. He doesn’t get paid for hurting Laney and then threatening
to lie about it. We’re talking about Carson here. He would never
hurt her. He would never hurt anyone. So that guy can go screw
himself if he thinks any member of our fucked-up family is going to
shut up and take it.”

“We’re not rewarding him,” Hayden said.
“We’re protecting the foundation, Anna. In the long term—”

“Oh my god.” She turned back to me. “Carson,
you of all people… No, you can’t do that. I won’t let you.”

There was nothing funny about what she was
saying, nothing at all, but I laughed anyway. I don’t know—stress,
depression, relief that Anna might have finally woken up… It
could’ve been a million different reasons.

She went on, asking questions about which
hospital Kevin worked in, which department. Then she excused
herself to go make a phone call. I followed her into the lobby.

“Hey,” I called. “If you’re going to do
anything crazy or stupid, I want to know about it. As someone who’s
had a lot more experience than you have, I may have some
pointers.”

“Do you know what I’m good at?” She didn’t
let me respond, which was kind of her. Because I was still trying
to think of an answer. “I can keep a secret. And a lot of people in
this city have secrets, including one of the people in charge of
UCSF’s medical residency program. It’s nothing terrible, but he
definitely wouldn’t want it to get out.”

I shook my head. “The whole point of me doing
this is so other people aren’t involved and don’t get hurt.”

“I would never break his confidence,” she
said. “And I would never threaten him. He trusts me. So I’m sure
he’d be happy to take me out for a drink and be agreeable to
inviting Kevin along. Then, while enjoying an evening out with a
friend, I will wink at the asshole who’s trying to mess with my
family and continually mention my amazing stepbrother and the
charitable foundation he runs.”

“But you’re not planning to say anything that
he could take as an outright threat?” Hayden asked, coming up
behind me.

“Of course not.” She rolled her eyes. “I’m a
woman—our unspoken threats are ten times more intimidating than the
spoken ones. You’re married, Hayden, you should already know that.”
She turned and put her phone up to her ear.

“I think Kevin’s going to regret screwing
with our little stepsister, don’t you, Hayden?”

“I think Kevin’s going to regret a lot of
things really soon.”

“Good.”

I should’ve been happy. Or at least not so
fucking depressing to be around. I’d expected the board to say,
‘Great, then get the hell out,’ when I told them I’d be taking a
permanent sabbatical from the foundation. But I don’t think I said
more than four words.

My brother and my stepsister suddenly decided
they cared about me, or some shit. I don’t know. I wish I’d been at
the meeting Anna set up with her secretive friend and Kevin,
though. I would have shoved money into the prick’s pockets myself
if I could’ve seen his face when Anna winked at him. Who knew a
frog would set off something in Anna, a good something, a healthy
something, a non-retail-related something.

So I should have been happy. But I
wasn’t.

I laid in bed, staring at the ceiling. It
wouldn’t be as pathetic if I was actually thinking about something
instead of trying really hard not to. If I thought about anything
other than how many beers were in the fridge or what game I was
going to watch this weekend, other shit came with it. I couldn’t
even look at the goddamn tile in the bathroom anymore. It was blue.
Like her eyes. Like her toenails were painted one day when we took
a bath together and—

“Damn it!”

In my entire life, I’d only cared about three
women, and the one I was never going to see again was the one I
couldn’t stop thinking about and wanting and missing. I’d had her
for months, right in front of me. She wanted me, and I chickened
out because I couldn’t let the other stuff go.

I ignored the knock on the door the first
time. And the second. When the third one came, I gave up and went
to tell whoever it was to go to hell.

“Hello, Carson.” Both of Renee’s hands
clenched the strap of her purse as she held it in front of herself
like an overpriced leather shield. I guess she’d left the arrogant
posturing, the pretense of being one-hundred percent perfect every
minute of every fucking day, in her other bag. There were no
bruises that I could see. No ring on the special finger
either—engagement or wedding.

I stood there silently, not having spoken to
anyone but myself since leaving the board meeting. The only person
I wanted to talk to was living her life somewhere else, hopefully
dealing better than I was.

“Can I come in?” Renee asked.

I didn’t want to fight. It just wasn’t in me
anymore. So I nodded and stepped back. Renee had never been to my
place, but I hoped she wasn’t expecting a tour. She wandered,
chatting nervously about the kitchen and the furniture.

“Not there!” I shouted before she put her bag
on Lane’s table. I couldn’t get rid of it—not yet, maybe not
ever—but I didn’t want to see it, so I’d covered it with a sheet.
Eventually I’d donate it somewhere it could be admired and not be a
constant reminder of what a fuck-up I was. Eventually…but not
now.

“I’ll get my checkbook.” I was already on my
way. Just sign the bottom and leave the rest blank, then shove her
out.

“I didn’t come here for money, Carson.” She
sat on the edge of the couch, her hands resting in her lap. Her
knuckles were white, something the people she conned wouldn’t have
noticed. Something I didn’t want to see, because it meant that
whatever she was here to say made her uncomfortable. And that made
me
uncomfortable.

“What do you want?”

“To apologize.” She let out a breath,
smoothed her skirt. “I need to apologize, because even if you never
want anything to do with me again, I want you to be happy.”

“Cool.” Thumbs up for her. “Thanks for
stopping by.” I hadn’t sat down, so it was a quick trip to the
door, hinting she should leave.

She didn’t move. “I could tell you I didn’t
know how much it affected you, and that each time we went back to
him, I thought things would be different. And that would all be
true…but it would also be an excuse.”

Shit. Why now? Why was she doing this now?
Was today the twenty-year anniversary of my first smackdown? Or
maybe seven years ago today, I gave up on her and got the fuck out
of her latest husband’s house.

Should I pretend I didn’t know what she was
talking about? Or would agreeing get her out of here faster? I had
tile to replace.

“It’s fine,” I said. “Water under a bridge or
whatever.”

“Your father loved us, Carson. I gave him too
many chances because I loved him just as much. He used to tell me
he’d stop and we would be happy. He also used to tell me that I’d
be nothing if I left him and that I wouldn’t be able to feed you or
give you a home. You and your brother would be less than you could
be because I selfishly took the life we had away from you.”

“I said it’s fine, Renee.” I didn’t want to
hear any more. She needed to go away before my headache got worse
and all civility was gone. “And I meant it’s fine.”

“You couldn’t be more different than him. Can
you imagine him doing any of the good you have? When you gave away
your entire inheritance, I was afraid you’d given away your chance
at a good life, the life your father promised me you’d have.”

“Good to know,” was all I could manage, my
tone flat, my need to be alone fucking enormous.

“I stopped trusting myself a long time ago,
so I thought everything I did was wrong. But if I’d known what it
was doing to you, what it’s
still
doing to you…” Blinking,
she sat up taller. “I’ve spent most of my life believing things
that weren’t true, that I deserved no more than I was given. And
because of that, you’ve done the same—”

“Stop talking!” If my hands weren’t squeezing
the sides of my head, I swear it would’ve exploded. “I don’t want
this. I don’t want you here. You have no idea what I feel or what
I’ve done, so don’t pretend. I can see through it, Renee. I’ve
always been able to see through it.”

She was quiet for a moment, watching her
hands tighten around each other before standing and picking up her
purse. “I understand. Maybe another day. Whenever you’re ready. I’m
trying to change, Carson. I am. And in order to do that, I can’t be
dependent on other people.” She took an envelope out of her purse
and set it down on the coffee table. Her name and address in my
handwriting on the outside, the checks I’d sent her inside. “It’s
not all of them. I intend to pay you back as soon as I can.”

Huh. “That’s why checks aren’t used
anymore—nobody knows how to balance a checkbook.” Especially me.
I’d thought they were all been cashed.
Assumed
they’d been,
because it was the only thing I’d ever offered her, the only
connection we had. “Keep them.” I picked up the envelope and held
it out. “If you’re really going to change things, then think of it
like a business investment. There are always start-up costs.”

“I can’t.”

“It’s my money. I get to decide who I spend
it on.”

She hesitated before taking the checks and
putting them back into her purse. “Thank you.”

I could tell she was trying, that she wasn’t
here to argue or spout more excuses about what she’d done. It was
something—she hadn’t cashed the checks, she’d tried to give them
back, and she was here when she’d obviously rather be anywhere
else. That was something…I guess.

“Laney came to Los Angeles to talk to
me.”

And
that
stopped any positive feelings
that had shown up in the last few minutes. “Don’t.” I didn’t want
to know Lane was still thinking about me, caring about me. She was
supposed to be moving on to someone better.

“She asked me not to tell you that, but I’m
not going to lie to my sons anymore.”

“I don’t want to talk about her.”

“She came because she knew how badly you were
hurting.”

“Don’t,” I said through clenched teeth.
“Please.”