Darkness of Light (19 page)

His eyes narrowed into glittering slits. He dug into his pocket, slapping the phone into my open palm. As I watched him walk away, it felt as if someone had stabbed me in the stomach with a dull dagger and was wiggling it around until they ripped out my gut, piece by piece. Another honk of the horn brought me out of my pained trance. I moved up the hill towards the parking lot.

Twenty

“Ember!” Mark yelped the next morning as he jumped back from the counter, coffee splashing out of my tipped-over coffee cup. “What is wrong with you? That’s the second cup you’ve spilled this morning.” He grabbed a towel to stop the spill from dripping onto the floor.

“Nothing.”

“Em, come on, I’ve never seen you this jumpy. You are wound extremely tight this morning.”

“I’m fine.” I was so jittery at breakfast that Mark tried to cut my coffee consumption after only half a cup, since the other one I poured ended up on the floor. 

“What time is your flight again?” He had told me three times already, but nothing seemed to be registering.

He shook his head with a scoff. “It’s still at one-forty-five. Remember, you are dropping me off at my office. I need to do a few more things before I go. I’ll take a cab to the airport, which means you get the truck while I’m gone.” He set his coffee on the counter. “You know, I hate saying this again, but remember our ground rules. No one in the truck besides you. And most important, there are to be no boys in the house while I’m gone, except Ryan. He’s fine.”

I laughed. No boy besides Ryan was likely to be in the house. “You do know I am eighteen, right?”

“Don’t remind me,” he said, sighing while putting his cup in the sink. “But, my house, my rules.”

“Wow, could you sound more like a typical parent? Very cliché of you.”

“I never thought I’d be saying these things either, but they really do work when you need them.” He turned around and looked at me. “I really don’t like leaving you for so long and being so far away, especially right now.”

“I’ll be fine.”

He sighed. “I still don’t like it.”

Fifteen minutes later, I pulled the truck up to Mark’s office building. He turned to me. “I want to remind you of my itinerary, so you will be able to clean up from that raging party you’ll have while I’m gone. I will be back from Tokyo the Monday after next. Ten days is such a long time, but I will try to call every night. Okay? All the hotel contact information is on the fridge.” 

I knew it wasn’t just the fact of me being on my own he didn’t like, and it had little to do with boys staying out of the house. He was mostly scared that my state of mind might worsen. After the car episode, where I saw him turn into Torin, he’d been watching me like I was on the precipice of crazy town, about to teeter over.

“I love you Sunny D, so much.” He leaned over and kissed the top of my head. “Try not to get into too much trouble while I’m gone.”

“I never make those types of promises.” I hugged him. “Love you too.” 

It did make me nervous he was leaving. Part of me was afraid that without him there as my grounding base, I would flitter out into no man’s land. I could feel in my bones something was coming. Something was going to change, and it terrified me.

***

The morning passed smoothly, but I felt restless and edgy. It only got worse when Josh and I got to O.A.R. 

Samantha addressed the group, her eyes landing frequently on me. “Today we have various types of seeds we’ll be planting. Each planter is divided up into sections and has a tag already in there stating what should be planted. Eli and a volunteer will also be bringing over some plants from the hothouse to be planted.” 

Girl’s hands darted into the air to volunteer, but Eli’s deep voice cut through the crowd. “Brycin.” I thought Eli would have ignored me after our “almost kiss.” But just when I thought I had him pegged, he threw me another curveball, keeping me off-kilter. He had a gift for knowing exactly how to antagonize me. He turned, walking away, motioning over his shoulder for me to follow. I couldn’t stop my heart from sputtering, even though I was still hurt and angry at how he left—like I had forced him to “almost” kiss me.

“Eli, are you sure you want her? I mean, wouldn’t it be better if you took another guy with you? Better to help load?” Sam questioned. She tried to keep her tone level, but you could hear the panic weaving through her voice.

Eli whipped around, his eyes pinning her to where she stood. Power and authority emanated off him. I could feel him communicating with her through his gaze. Her head bowed as she slunk back. It was clear she had over-stepped her bounds. 

“She can handle it,” he said and spun around again, heading towards the hothouse.

Oooo-kay . . . that was weird.

I looked over at Sam, her face blistering with rage. An overflowing fountain of her resentment was directed at me. I scuttled after Eli. 

***

“So, are you ever going to talk to me again or not?” Eli approached me as I placed plants onto the cart.

“I’ll pick the ‘or not’,” I replied without looking up. 

“So is it going to be like that now?” He mimicked my phrase from a few days earlier. 

“Yep.” 

“This is about yesterday, isn’t it?” 

I didn’t respond as I loaded more plants onto the cart, acting like this took every bit of my attention. 

“Maybe you could just get over yourself,” he replied, “and grasp that nothing happened. I had a moment of insanity, but that will never happen again.” 

It was like someone punched my gut. My anger flared quickly to the surface. “Excuse me?”

“I don’t think I stuttered?” Eli returned my glare. “I said nothing happened between us and nothing ever will.”

“You have
noooo
idea how grateful I am about that,” I seethed as I shoved the cart. “And you know what? It’s a little difficult to ‘get over’ myself when you’re constantly in my way. How can I stay away from you if you won’t let me?”

Eli sputtered. “In
your
way? Think you got that backwards, sweetheart.”

“Fuck you!” 

“Right here?” He crossed his arms. “That definitely wouldn’t help your getting over me.”

I needed to get away from him before I did something rash. I spun around and took off without any real thought to where I was going. 

“Brycin!” Eli yelled from behind me. 

I kept walking, having a feeling of
déjà vu
from every other interaction Eli and I had had. Walking away from each other was all we seemed to know how to do—and we did it well.

Eli growled, “Damn it woman, I swear you’re going to be the end of me.” 

I stopped short and whirled around, making him stumble back. “
I
am?” I laughed wildly. “You know what Eli? I’m over this.” I motioned between us. “It’s the same cycle with you over and over. I think we make headway to becoming friends, and bam, you’re back to being a dick again. One step forward and nine back.” 

His powerful eyes were fixed on me. I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. I forced myself to back away. I shook my head, exasperated, and turned to walk away again.

He grabbed my hand to stop me, but then quickly let it go. He let out an exasperated noise that sounded more like a growl. “It’s better this way. It’s safer for you. You need to be as far from me, from here, as you can.”

“What?” 

He took in a breath. “Let me make this clear once and for all. I don’t want to be friends or anything else with you.” His voice had curdled into a deep, soured anger. “Go back to your other school. You’re not wanted here,
little girl
.” 

The cold resignation in his voice made my heart plummet. His stony face looked down on me. Closing his eyes briefly, he turned and walked off, towards the O.A.R. garden.

Wh-Wh-What
? My head and heart screamed. I wasn’t expecting the force behind his final rebuff. My emotions shifted so fast that I couldn’t keep up with what had just happened. It was like he had drilled through my chest, ripped my heart out, and stormed off with it still beating in his bare hand. I wanted to call out to him, and beg him to stop, but my throat was too thick, and blocked my words.

Get it together, Em. You’ve known him for less than two weeks. You’re not even friends. 

Then why did I feel like this? 

Having opened up to him more than I had with anyone else, I felt the stab of betrayal. As turbulent as our relationship was, I had oddly come to count on him, and the sudden loss felt like a vast empty void. How did I let this happen? How did he slip over the wall I kept around myself? Why was it so easy for him to walk out of my life? And, more importantly, why did I care so much? 

Man, I’m so screwed up!

There was no way I was going back to O.A.R. I couldn’t face anyone. Most of all I couldn’t face Eli, especially if he was unfazed by our interaction. I cut through the woods, heading for the parking lot, so that I wouldn’t run into anybody. 

I was almost there when wariness crept down my back. I paused mid-step. My skin started to prickle. I was being stalked—again. 

A loud snap and the rustling of leaves made me jump. I spun around, feeling a pair of ice-cold eyes on me, but not knowing where they were located. I paused one more second, sucking in a deep breath before breaking into a run, fleeing as fast as I could. The ground crunched underfoot as I scrambled through the forest. Branches whipped across my face, slicing at my skin. 

My heart battered ruthlessly against my ribs, almost drowning out the sound of something smashing through the brush behind me. Almost. Whatever was out there, it was moving in closer, ready to jump out at me. I cringed in anticipation, preparing for the pain of the attack.

Adrenaline coursed through my veins, making my legs and lungs pump harder. Up ahead I could see the parking lot through a break in the trees.
Almost there
.

A low snarl erupted behind me. 

I wanted to laugh at the idiocy. It was so my luck to be this close to safety and not make it. I waited to feel hands or claws tearing at my body.

I broke through the trees, and looked over my shoulder. There was nothing behind me. No rabid animal or deranged man ready to attack me, just the trees swaying peacefully in the wind.

I didn’t stay around to find if this was something else I had simply imagined. I scrambled into the truck, locked the doors and tore off down the street for home. 

Twenty-one

Without Mark around to comfort me or make me laugh, my mood was like PMS on crack. 

I got ready for the concert, deciding against any of the outfits I would normally wear, instead going for something edgier. I pulled on skintight, black jeans, a pair of extremely sexy, sleek, knee-length, black-heeled boots, and a white tank top with necklaces of varying lengths I had made out of copper and recycled glass. I wore my hair down and loose. The braids from earlier made it a little more wild than usual. I grabbed my red, faux-leather jacket and headed out of the room. 

I was walking a thin wire of sanity. I needed to have fun tonight. That didn’t mean I didn’t need some help to achieve it. I walked over to Mark’s liquor cabinet, and without wanting to think about the good and bad or the right and wrong, I searched for the best thing to help make the pain go away. I grabbed the bottle of tequila and took a shot straight from the bottle. I was a teenager who was going to make a lot mistakes, and tonight was looking like it was going to be one of those times. I pitied anyone who pushed me the wrong way. I was in a fighting mood. I’d fight or I’d fall apart.  

By the time Kennedy and Ryan came to pick me up for the concert, I was all over the place—mad to sad, frustrated to hopeless. Reckless.

“We better go. Ian just texted, sayin’ the line was getting long. So let’s get our butts down there now,” Ryan said. Ian was Ryan’s cousin. He went to a different school, but hung out with us sometimes on the weekends.

Kennedy looked at me curiously, sensing something edgy was going on with me. “You okay?”

“Yeah . . . sure . . . why not?”

She had an unsettled look on her face. “You seem different tonight. There’s a strange darkness around you.” 

Kennedy always said odd things like this, but tonight it hit extremely close to home.

“I’m fine.” I smiled.

“Well, okay or not, you look hot, girl.” Ryan wiggled his eyebrows.

“Thanks, now let’s get going, before the line gets too long.” I herded them out the door, trying to ignore my swirling emotions—and the darkness stirring in me.

***

“Ugh, I hate lines.” Ryan nodded towards the endless queue of concertgoers wrapping around the block. “I didn’t think this many people even knew about this band. It’s going to take forever to get in and Ian’s already waiting for us inside.”

I stared at the line. The Poisonous Mushrooms were playing in one of the more popular clubs in downtown Olympia, but I was
not
going to freeze my ass waiting outside. I headed around the back of the building. “Follow me, guys.” 

“What are we doing?” Kennedy asked wearily as I led them down a dark alleyway.

“Skipping the line,” I replied, looking for the back door of the club.

“How are we going to do that? Every door will be locked back here, and if you haven’t noticed, I can’t shimmy into a drain or through a small, bathroom window.” Ryan motioned to his body. “Plus this outfit is to be seen and envied, not abused.”

Finally, spotting the door I was looking for, I headed toward it. It was unguarded, but certainly locked. “We’re going to walk right in.” 

I held up my hand for them to stop, not wanting them to see what I was about to do. I moved deeper into the shadows and stood close to the door. I had never tried this before, except on the leaves, but it had worked then. With the mood I was in, it would work.

I concentrated on the doorknob, imagining my energy flowing into the lock, acting like a key. Heat rose within my body as my determination stayed focused on the door. The knob twisted, fighting against the latch. It creaked and then, with a clinging pop, the lock snapped. I pulled at the door—it opened easily.