Dating Sarah Cooper (12 page)

“Wait… what happened at the party?”

“Some guy just pissed me off. Made a stupid comment.” He shook my question off. “I guess, uh… what I’m trying to say is that I thought today would be a good day…” He clenched his teeth together and his arms shook. I put a hand on his shoulder to try and still him; seeing him this scared was starting to scare
me
.

“Connor?”

He let out another deep breath, and laughed a little. “I don’t know why this is so hard; you’re gonna be totally cool with it, obviously, but, ah…” He paused, working himself up, and then announced, “I’m kind of bisexual.”

I stared at him. I was sure I hadn’t heard him right.

He let out a long rush of air, like he’d been holding it all in for minutes, and then slouched back against the couch, putting both hands on top of his head. “Wow. I think that’s the first time I’ve ever even said it aloud.”

“
You’re
bisexual,” I repeated, hardly daring to believe it. Connor,
asshole
Connor, Connor who’d contributed to the dozens of terrible comments sent Sarah and my way over the course of the past five weeks…
that
Connor liked guys?

“What a way to celebrate National Coming Out Day. Here I am,” he said, nodding at me. “Man, I’ve been keeping that in for what, a year and a half now?”

“Are you being serious right now?” I asked him. “Like, you’re really bisexual?”

“Yeah.” He nodded again. “I guess that’s kind of why I’m an ass. I thought I could just be, you know, one of the guys and no one would know.”

“And you were right,” I marveled, blinking up at him. “Wow.”

“I think I, uh, actually kind of prefer guys,” he admitted shyly. “But girls are hot too. I just wanted to tell someone, and I thought you’d understand, between our talk at the party and you being gay and all. You won’t tell anyone, right? I’m gonna be better now. I never meant any of the stuff I said to you and Sarah, and I’ll leave you guys alone now. I’ll leave Hannah alone. I just kind of wanna finish high school and get out of here, you know?”

“Yeah,” I agreed quietly. “Don’t worry, Connor. I won’t tell anyone.” And I wouldn’t, although it would be pretty damn tempting. But I wouldn’t wish what I’d gone through on anyone. Not even Connor.

“Alright. Thanks.” He hesitated, and then told me, “Well, I might still have to be an ass sometimes. Just to, you know, fit in. But now you’ll know it’s an act. That’s an improvement, right?”

I just sighed at him.
There
was the Connor I was used to.

In the distance, his doorbell rang, and we both looked to the stairs that led to the front door, confused. “Are you expecting company?” I asked, though his expression was an answer in itself.

“Nah. Wonder who it is?”

We both made our way back upstairs, and Connor went ahead of me, reaching the door first as I hung back by his kitchen counter. I saw a flash of brunette hair through the translucent glass of the door, and then Connor was opening it and I was staring at the doorway in surprise.

“Sarah?” Connor and I asked at the same time, and she immediately pushed past Connor, her gaze steely as she headed straight for me.

“Are you okay?” she asked me abruptly, and I nodded dumbly at her, baffled as to what she was doing here. She was supposed to be with Sam.

“Good.” She rounded on Connor, who immediately looked afraid for his life. “Listen, asshole. If you so much as touched her, you’re gonna be jealous of what Ken dolls have between their legs.”

“We were just talking,” Connor told her, his face reddening. “I swear. I didn’t know when I asked that her coming over here would be such a big problem.”

“Well, now you do. Stay away from my girlfriend.” She reached for my hand, and then I was being led out of Connor’s house and out to Sarah’s car. Part of me was completely confused as to what was going on and was kind of interested in hearing more from Connor about how he came to the conclusion that he was bisexual… but another part of me was kind of just mostly marveling at how angry Sarah was. I’d never really seen her this mad before.

“What were you thinking?” she hissed at me when we were safely in her car. “
Connor
?”

“You didn’t seem to have such a massive problem with it earlier today,” I pointed out.

“Because I didn’t think you’d actually be crazy enough to go through with it! He’s so sleazy, Katie.”

“He was nice,” I told her. “You didn’t have to come get me. Weren’t you supposed to spend today with Sam?”

“Yeah, well…” She sucked in a breath and moved to pull out of Connor’s driveway. “That lasted all of five minutes before I told him to take me back to the school.”

“And then you came here,” I said. She didn’t reply. “What about Sam?”

“I don’t know, Katie,” she sighed out. “Things are little…” she trailed off, and just kind of shook her head and made a confused motion with her hand before finishing, “right now.”

I sat back in my seat, not sure what to say to that. But Sarah wasn’t done talking. She let out an exasperated groan, and said, “God, why can’t you just…? I don’t know.”

“You’re not making much sense,” I admitted.

“That makes two of us,” she mumbled. I glanced at her to see she was staring straight ahead, her hands tight on the steering wheel.

“Thanks for saving me,” I said at last. I didn’t want to blow Connor’s secret, and I assumed he’d prefer Sarah hating him to her knowing the truth. At least for now.

“You’re welcome. I seriously don’t even know what you were thinking.”

I turned away from her to look out my window. “I was thinking that you weren’t the only one who deserved attention from a guy.”

“God, since when does that shit matter to you?” she countered. “You’re above that, Katie. C’mon.”

“You don’t practice what you preach,” I observed.

“Yeah, but that’s just how I am. That’s what makes you a better person than me.”

I closed my eyes and leaned back, resting my head on the seat. I sighed. “Can’t you just stay away from Sam?” I felt the bump of the curb as we pulled up into my driveway, and Sarah stopped the car and put it into park.

“Why?”

“Are you gonna ask me that every time?”

“Yes.”

I opened my eyes and looked over at her. “I heard him saying he didn’t care that we were together. He wanted to hook up with you anyway, and he wanted to lie to you and that other girl – Christine – from the party. Like, juggle both of you at the same time. He doesn’t care about you, Sarah. He doesn’t want a relationship. He’s just a liar.”

She took that in with her eyes in her lap, and I pressed on.

“I know you might not believe me, but I wouldn’t lie about this, okay?”

“You wouldn’t,” she agreed, much to my surprise. “You’re a good person.” She raised her gaze to meet mine, and offered me a small, forced smile. “Which is why you don’t deserve someone like Connor. But maybe I go well with someone like Sam.”

“Don’t be stupid,” I murmured.

“It’s not.” She reached over and unlocked the car doors. Her silent signal that she was ready for me to get out. “Katie, do you know what people say about me?”

“What, that you’re smart?” I guessed. “That you’re pretty and popular?”

She forced a laugh. “Not exactly.”

“Then what?”

“That I sleep around with a lot of guys.” She looked away from me, and the silence that followed her statement ate at my chest. I chewed at the inside of my cheek. “That I’m a slut, a skank… that I use people. That I need to pick a side, that I should stop whoring myself out, that I must be a freak in bed, that I can’t
possibly
have a brain and must only be getting good grades because I’m screwing teachers. And most of that stuff was said before this whole thing started with us, but it’s only gotten worse since.” She shook her head. “So I guess maybe there was a part of me that knew what Sam was like all along and just realized we’d be a good fit. A guy who doesn’t want to settle down and a girl no one believes
can
.”

I wanted to tell her, right then in her car, that she wasn’t any of those things. Every word was on the tip of my tongue, and I knew how to comfort her if I’d chosen to. I’d say that she wasn’t a slut just because she wasn’t a virgin, and I’d point out that I wasn’t a virgin either. I’d tell her that teenagers are shallow and judgmental and that most of our peers were too stupid to look beneath the surface and realize she was more than just her looks. I’d tell her any guy would be lucky to be with her, not the other way around, and I’d tell her she was smart and funny and kind and that I loved everything about her; that she was the one flawed person I thought was perfect anyway.

But I was awkward and scared and confused and lacking the confidence to say any of those things to even my own best friend – the girl I should’ve trusted most to accept them from me – and so I didn’t.

I didn’t, and she was back in Sam’s car the next afternoon.

Chapter Ten

A
fter that day, Sarah and I made up publicly. We’d perfected it by now, the art of acting like a happy couple no matter how complicated things were behind the scenes, but it helped that a day after our conversation in Sarah’s car, I opened my locker to dozens of National Coming Out Day stickers that’d been modified with sharpie to say, rather un-cleverly, “National Dyke Day”. Brett Larson didn’t hide the fact that they were from him; there was also a little folded note that simply had a smiley face drawn on it with his signature at the bottom.

Sarah helped me throw all of the stickers away, and then, in a show of confidence meant to dissuade Brett and any of our other classmates from trying anything else, she kissed me at my locker for so long that I wound up with day-long butterflies.

I knew, after that, that if I didn’t find a way to change things, I’d wind up being the loser girl who fell for her straight best friend. And I did not want to be that girl. I’d watched over half a season of
The L Word
and a couple of gay movies by then; I knew what happened to that girl. She wound up sad and rejected, and then – only if she was lucky – with an eventual new love interest who was
actually
into girls.

So I tried to put Sarah from my mind, as hard as that was given that I saw her on a daily basis, and I let her keep doing whatever it was she was doing with Sam. And I was perfectly content to stay ignorant about whatever that was.

She missed a club meeting two weeks later to hang out with him, and Jake announced his next new project to us that day.

“The Winter Formal’s coming up in about five weeks, and Principal Crenshaw just released the ticket prices. Twenty dollars per person, or thirty for a couple.” He paused. “Couples, however, are restricted to a heterosexual definition.”

“Are you serious?” Hattie asked. “That’s so not fair!”

“I’ve already tried to talk him into changing his mind. I spoke with him today,” Jake said. “But he said that he doesn’t want to leave the opportunity for friends to say they’re a couple just to save money.”

“But what about girls and guys who are just friends?” Henry cut in.

“Well, exactly. Obviously it’s a double-standard. But I thought of a way to show him we won’t let him forget that real gay couples do exist at this school and deserve to be treated the same as the rest of the students here.” He paused again, this time for dramatic effect, and then declared, “We’re going to get a gay couple nominated for Winter Formal King and Queen. Or should I say: Queen and Queen.”

And then, abruptly, everyone’s eyes were on me. I looked around at them all, baffled. “Wait… me and Sarah?”

“Do you see any of the rest of us winning?” Jessa asked, raising an eyebrow. She had a point, but I still wasn’t as confident as Jake seemed to be.

“I don’t think we could win, either,” I admitted. “Who would vote for us?”

“Everyone gay, tons of gay-friendly students, and you’d also get the prankster vote and the vote of anyone who just doesn’t want the same old jocks and cheerleaders winning it,” Jake pointed out. “You two would basically sweep the ‘other’ vote,
and
you’d get votes from your social circles and your supporters.”

“Supporters,” I echoed, feeling overwhelmed. “Okay?”

“I want to get started on campaigning as soon as possible,” Jake declared. “Nominations are in two weeks. Principal Crenshaw will try to put a lid on this, I’m sure, but he can’t ignore hundreds of nominations.”

“He could,” Violet pointed out. “So we have to not let him.”

“Exactly,” Jake agreed. “So let’s make this happen, guys. Let’s show them that just because they ignore us doesn’t mean we’ll go away.”

“So what’d I miss today?”

I put my phone on speaker, and set it down on my bathroom counter as I straightened my hair.

“They’re trying to get us nominated for King and Queen at the Winter Formal.”

Sarah let out a light laugh. “Really?”

“Really.”

“How do they plan on doing that? I thought only straight couples could be nominated.”

“Well, that’s obviously not very fair, so they’re gonna fight it and see how it goes.”

“Huh. That sounds kind of cool. We’d look cute in our little crowns up on stage.”

“Yep.” I ran a few strands of my hair through the straightener and watched steam rise toward the bathroom ceiling.

“What are you doing?” Sarah asked. “I keep hearing a weird noise.”

“I’m straightening my hair,” I told her.

“Why? You don’t have a date, do you?”

“I don’t see why I’d have to tell you if I did.”

On the other end, she let out a heavy sigh. “Wow, we almost went two whole minutes without getting snippy. A new record.”

“I wasn’t being snippy, Sarah. I’m just saying. I don’t ask about you and Sam; you don’t ask about my love life. I thought that was what we were doing.”

“I can’t ask as your best friend and not as your girlfriend?”

“In case you haven’t noticed, it’s been a little hard to tell the difference lately.”

She was quiet for a moment. And then she sounded a little defeated as she replied, “Okay, fine. Bye.” She hung up the phone and my throat tightened. I felt tears pricking at the corners of my eyes and hastily wiped them away.

When I was finished with my hair and I’d spent a few minutes staring at my glassy-eyed reflection in the mirror, I went downstairs to meet with my parents, who were already ready to go. They shared a smile as I descended the stairs, and my father offered me his hand. “You look gorgeous tonight, Madame.”

“Shut up, Dad,” I said, forcing a laugh and smacking his arm. Mom grinned at the both of us as we walked out to the car.

It was a tri-monthly tradition of ours to go out to a nice family dinner together. Like, a really
nice
dinner, with several courses and waiters in tuxedos. We weren’t as well-off financially as Sarah’s family, but we held our own, and this was a luxury we could afford four times a year.

We had reservations at the restaurant, so we were seated right away, and as Mom and Dad ordered appetizers, I looked around at the other patrons. Most of them were couples, and all of the couples were straight. I noted the latter fact almost subconsciously, and then wondered when I’d started paying attention to the fact that everyone around me was straight. Was that a side-effect of questioning one’s sexuality?

Mom went to use the bathroom right around the time we were being brought our drinks, and Dad cleared his throat, setting his appetizer aside for a moment and telling me, “So I was thinking for your next birthday that your Mom and I should repaint your room for you. I know you’ve always hated the color.”

“Really?” I asked, sitting up straighter in my seat.

“Yeah. We were thinking a mix of six colors. Just a giant rainbow across all four walls.”

“Jerk,” I shot back, throwing my napkin at him as he chuckled. “You got my hopes up just to make a gay joke.”

“And it was worth it,” he declared. “Anyway, I haven’t seen any girls over lately. Not even Sarah. Your mom’s gonna want grandchildren, you know.”

“Dad,” I whined, pulling a face. “We are seriously not having this conversation right now.”

“What about Sarah?” Mom cut in, retaking her seat on my other side. “I heard her name.”

“I was just asking Katie if they were gonna give us grandchildren.”

I pressed my hand to my face as Mom shot Dad a disappointed look. “I hate to break it to you, Jeff, but I don’t think that’s how procreation works.”

“I hear they’re working on the technology for it, now,” Dad pointed out.

“God, I am
not
having kids with Sarah,” I sighed out, eager to change the subject. “We’re not even really talking much right now.”

“Why not?” Mom asked, jumping on that immediately. I was grateful; anything beat grandkids.

“Because she’s still hung up on that guy, even after I told her he was using her. I heard him say he wanted to try and juggle Sarah and this other girl he likes, but she just said maybe they were a good match anyway.” I shrugged my shoulders, my mood dampening. Maybe this wasn’t such a good topic of conversation after all. “Anyway, that was about two weeks ago, and I haven’t heard much from her about it since then, but I haven’t really been asking.”

Mom and Dad exchanged looks, and then Mom put down her silverware and moved her hand to place it over mine on the table. “Katie, you have to remember that Sarah has had a very different upbringing from you.”

“What does that have anything to do with this?” I asked.

“Well, she doesn’t have the same relationship with her parents that you do,” Mom elaborated. “You’ve had your tough moments growing up, sure, but do you remember when you were struggling with self-esteem issues in middle school and you had your father and me there to support you? Imagine if you hadn’t had us. That’s what life is like for Sarah.”

“But Sarah has
us
,” I reminded them. “We’re like her second family.”

“It’s not the same, honey. I wish it were. I wish she was over at our house constantly rather than being holed up alone in hers, but sometimes you just can’t make someone stay for dinner.” She hesitated, and then continued, “Sarah has always been a very driven girl, and I think that comes from having parents who could only be impressed when she was really,
really
impressive. And sure, having parents you feel like you need to impress by getting A’s might make you get A’s, but it can also make you feel like if you
don’t
get A’s, you aren’t good enough. And I think there are probably a lot of times when Sarah didn’t feel good enough.”

I had no idea what to say to that. Sarah always seemed so carefree. She was always having fun, and she’d always seemed to
like
not having her parents around.  I’d never really seriously considered the downsides. “But she’s still a good person,” I said, getting a little defensive, and Mom nodded her agreement.

“Of course she is. But I’m not so sure
she
knows that.”

Violet tapped me on my shoulder at my locker the next day, and when I turned around, she had a stack of fliers in her hands and was grinning widely at me.

“I have news from Jake,” she said. “About the Winter Formal.”

“Okay. What’s up?”

“So Principal Crenshaw found out we wanted to get you guys nominated, and he totally panicked and pulled the ‘straight couples only’ rule from the ticket pricings. Which means gay couples like you and Sarah can get in for the discount.”

“That’s fantastic,” I told her, genuinely surprised. “Awesome!”

“It gets better. He did it so that we’d back off on the whole ‘Queen and Queen’ plan. Only we’re not going to.” She smirked. “And there’s nothing he can do about it unless he wants to blatantly discriminate against gay people and deal with us raising a big stink over it. So not only did we get the discount… we’re gonna help you guys snag the crowns, too.”

She offered me one of the fliers in her hands, and I stared down at it for a moment, not quite sure what I was looking at at first. Then, slowly, I smiled, and glanced back up at her. “Wait… this is Sarah and me.”

“Yeah.” She looked down at one of the fliers still in her hands, and I stared at the one she’d given me. There were two pictures at the top of the flier, one above the other. The first was one that’d been taken of us in elementary school, when we were both tiny and gap-toothed. I remembered it; we were at Six Flags and Sarah had a giant stuffed animal in one of her hands. Her other hand gripped mine, and we were both smiling so widely I was surprised we weren’t in pain.

Beneath that photo was a second, much more recent one that’d been taken by Hannah using Sarah’s cell phone at lunch, right around the time we’d started pretending to date. My cheeks were flushed but I was smiling, and Sarah was right beside me, her cheek pressed to mine and a matching smile on her face. Beneath the photos was a statement encouraging people to nominate us.

“Where did you get those pictures?” I asked eventually, looking up at Violet.

“Sarah,” she said. “Aren’t they adorable?”

“Sarah gave you these?”

“Yeah. She said they were her favorites.” She grinned at me, almost conspiratorially.

Then, without any warning, we suddenly had company in the form of Christine Goddard, and Violet was struggling to press the fliers to her own chest even as Christine shot us both
and
the fliers a condescending look all at once.

“Cute,” she deadpanned, and her eyes snapped to me. “Hi. Katie, right? I have an important message I need you to deliver, okay?” She didn’t wait for a response before continuing, “Tell your little girlfriend to stay the hell away from
my
boyfriend.”