Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down (17 page)

TIPS “FOR” WRITERS: In writing a screenplay for a movie, be sure to include plenty of action.

GOT A QUESTION FOR MISTER LANGUAGE PERSON? Send it in, and you could receive a baseball hand-signed by William Shakespeare shortly after his death.

F
or those of you planning to travel by air, here are some amazing statistics about the U.S. airline industry (motto: “We’re Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour”). This year, U.S. airlines will carry a record 143 million passengers, who will be in the air for 382 million hours, during which they will be fed an estimated total of four peanuts.

Yes, the airlines are cutting back on food service, as was dramatically demonstrated on a recent New York-to-London flight wherein nine first-class passengers were eaten by raiders from coach. But despite the cutbacks, the U.S. airline industry is still one of the safest on Earth; the only nation with a better safety record is the Republic of Kyrgyzstan, which has only one airplane and can’t figure out how to start it.

The U.S. airline industry, in contrast, boasts a vast fleet of modern planes maintained by a corps of highly professional mechanics, by which I mean “mechanics who are all wearing the same color of uniform.” This is not the case in some countries. One time I was leaving a Caribbean island aboard a two-propeller airplane owned by an airline with a name like “Air Limbo.” As we sat on the runway, getting ready for takeoff, I could not help but notice that an important-looking fluid was gushing out of the engine on my side. This made me nervous, so I was relieved when a man wearing shorts and flip-flops
came over to take a look. He studied the fluid, which was really pouring out, then he turned toward the pilot and made the “OK” sign. I was thinking, “OK? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, OK??” And while I was thinking that,
we took off
. We did make it to our destination, but I’m pretty sure we were followed the whole way by a pack of hungry sharks thinking, “That thing can’t stay up there much longer!”

You generally don’t have to worry about sharks with domestic air travel, but there are things you need to know, which is why today I’m presenting these:

One final thought: Although most of us feel anxiety about flying, it’s important to remember that, statistically, commercial airline travel is more than
three times
as safe as snake handling. So buckle up, and have a great flight! I myself will be on Air Kyrgyzstan.

W
hat is El Niño? Will it cause massive climatic changes? Will it ultimately threaten the very survival of humanity? Does it contain fat?

These are just some of the alarming questions that are raised by the phenomenon of El Niño, which in recent months has been blamed for virtually everything abnormal that is happening in the world including the singing group Hanson. To help you understand why
you need to become alarmed about El Niño, let’s take a moment here to review how the Earth’s weather works:

Scientists who study weather—who are called “meteorologists,” to distinguish them from scientists who study meteors, who are called “scientists who study meteors”—tell us that weather is caused by the atmosphere, which is a gaseous mixture containing oxygen, nitrogen, monosodium glutamate, and radio waves. Moisture gets into the atmosphere from the oceans by a process called “evaporation,” which is caused by whales coming to the surface and blowing their noses, which, because of an evolutionary mistake, are located on top of the whales’ heads. In fact, most of a whale’s major bodily orifices are located in unusual places, a fact that enables whales to play some hilarious undersea pranks that we cannot discuss in a family newspaper. Suffice it to say that it is considered very funny in whale circles to say “I gave him an earful.”

Anyway, after these warm, moist air masses are formed over the ocean, they get pushed eastward by the “jet stream,” which is a high-altitude, fast-moving “river of air” constructed in 1958 by the Army Corps of Engineers as part of a federal project intended to prevent commercial airplane flights from being on time. When a warm, moist air mass reaches land, it meets up with a cold, dry, boring air mass from Canada, and these two masses begin a complex ritual in which the male becomes excited and inserts his …

No, wait, sorry, that’s how salamanders reproduce. What I meant to say is: When an air mass reaches land, it proceeds to a major metropolitan area, where it is struck by radar beams sent out by TV weather forecasters, which cause the evaporated moisture to turn into rain and “sleet,” which is actually little frozen pieces of whale snot. So we see that the true cause of bad weather, contrary to what they have been claiming all these years, is TV weather forecasters, who have also single-handedly destroyed the ozone layer via overuse of hair spray.

So where does El Niño come into this picture? We cannot answer that question with total certainty until we have had a couple more beers. But we do know that “El Niño” is a Spanish name, meaning, literally, “The Little Neen.” It refers to a seasonal warming of the Pacific Ocean, which is critical to the Earth’s fragile ecosystem because it contains more than 80 percent of our dwindling supply of anchovies.

To understand the significance of this warming effect, take a few moments now to conduct the following scientific experiment in your bathroom. First, fill your bathtub with water and note the temperature. Now mix in these ingredients: 25 pounds of salt, to simulate the ocean’s salinity; one 12-ounce can of Bumble Bee brand chunk light tuna, to simulate the ocean’s marine life; and one plastic Ken doll wearing a dark suit, to simulate Vice President Gore.

Now, using a standard household blowtorch, gradually heat the water while swishing it around the tub in a counterclockwise direction. Do you see what’s happening? That’s correct: A big old ugly greasy wad of hair has broken loose from the drain and is bobbing toward you like a hostile mutant marine tarantula. This is exactly what is happening in the Pacific Ocean, except that the hair wad is more than one million times larger. The only thing comparable to it on land is Donald Trump.

So we can see why El Niño has the scientific community so alarmed. The question is, what is causing it? What widespread phenomenon has occurred lately that would make a major ocean suddenly start warming up? The answer, according to a recent scientific study by the Institute of Scientists Who Have Done Studies Recently, is: espresso machines. A few years ago, you hardly ever saw these machines; now they’re showing up in Dairy Queens. These are not energy-efficient devices. For every ounce of actual espresso they produce, they release enough steam into the atmosphere to meet the energy needs of Finland for a year.

This is not to say that espresso is the sole cause of El Niño. Other recent trends that probably play a part are cigar smoking, line dancing,
nostril rings, and those incomprehensible commercials for something called “Lucent.” We need to ban all of these things immediately, and as a precautionary measure we should also evacuate the West Coast as far inland as Nebraska. If you care at all about the environment, you will write to your congresshuman and demand that something be done immediately. And then you will clean your bathtub.

T
oday’s holiday topic is: Christmas Tree Care.

The Christmas tree is a cherished holiday tradition that dates back 500 years, to the early Germans. What happened was, one night right around Christmas, a bunch of early Germans were sitting around, and one of them, named Helmut, said: “I know! Let’s chop down a perfectly good fir tree, drag it inside, and see if we can get it to stand up again!”

“Why in the world would we do THAT?” asked the other early Germans, who also happened to speak English.

“It’s a cherished holiday tradition!” replied Helmut.

This made sense to the other Germans, because they had just invented beer. So they went out, chopped down a tree, dragged it home, and spent the next four days trying to make it stand up. We now know that, under the laws of physics, this is impossible. Nevertheless, the tradition of trying to erect Christmas trees continues to the present day. We should be grateful that the early Germans didn’t decide to drag home some large forest organism that is even LESS appropriate for interior use than a tree. Imagine what Christmas would be like today if they had used, for example, a moose. We’d have millions of families driving home with a dead Christmas moose strapped to the roof of the car; and then Dad would spend hours trying to get the moose to fit into a cheesy $4.99 drugstore moose stand;
and then the whole family would decorate it; and then, as everybody gathered around in admiration, it would topple majestically to the ground. So it would be essentially the same as what we do now, except that Dad would not get pine sap in his hair.

But the point is that the Christmas tree is a cherished tradition, as reflected in the lyrics to the classic Christmas carol “O Tannenbaum”:

Now let’s talk about caring for your Christmas tree. According to the American Association of Guys Without All Their Teeth Selling Christmas Trees From Tents, the major varieties of Christmas tree are: Pine, Spruce, Douglas Fir, Walnut, Fake, Balsa, and Douglas Firbanks Jr. The Association recommends that, before you buy a tree, you should always have Dad pick it up and bang it hard on the ground a couple of times; according to the Association, this is “a lot of fun to watch.”

Once you get the tree home and set up in its stand (allow six to eight weeks) you will want to take measures to prevent it from shedding needles all over your floor. The best way to do this, according to the Association, is to “remove your floor.” If that is not practical, you can make a mixture of four cups of water, two tablespoons of bleach, and one tablespoon of sugar, but it will do you no good. When decorating the tree, always use strings of cheap lights manufactured in Third World nations that only recently found out about electricity. Shop around for light strings that have been presnarled at the factory for your convenience.