Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need (7 page)

So we’re talking about a major risk, but it’s worth it for some of the attractions around Disney World. The two best ones, as it happens, are right next to each other near a town called Kissimmee. One of them is the world headquarters of the Tupperware company, where you can take a guided tour that includes a Historic Food Containers Museum. I am not making this up.

I am also not making up Gatorland, which is next door. After entering Gatorland through a giant pair of pretend alligator jaws, you find yourself on walkways over a series of murky pools in which are floating a large number of alligators that appear to be recovering from severe hangovers, in the sense that they hardly ever move. You can purchase fish to feed them, but the typical Gatorland alligator will ignore a fish even if it lands directly on its head. Sometimes you’ll see an alligator, looking bored, wearing three or four rotting, fly-encrusted fish, like some kind of High Swamp Fashion headgear.

This is very entertaining, of course, but the
real
action at Gatorland, the event that brings even the alligators to life, is the Assault on the Dead Chickens, which is technically known as
the Gator Jumparoo. I am also not making this up. The way it works is, a large crowd of tourists gathers around a central pool, over which, suspended from wires, are a number of plucked headless chicken carcasses. As the crowd, encouraged by the Gatorland announcer, cheers wildly, the alligators lunge out of the water and rip the chicken carcasses down with their jaws. Once you’ve witnessed this impressive event, you will never again wonder how America got to be the country that it is today.

And speaking of America, let’s talk about taking the children to one of this nation’s many fine:

Forget it. Your modern child is not interested in educational historic sites. Your modern child has grown up with MTV and Nintendo; he or she is not going to be enthralled by watching people in authentic uncomfortable colonial outfits demonstrate how families in 1750 used to make candles by spinning flax with a churn, or whatever the hell they did. So you should avoid this kind of activity. Also you should avoid stopping at those Historical Markers on the side of the highway that you can never read when you’re driving past because the letters are too small. Here’s what they say:

Traveling with teenagers is somewhat more difficult than traveling with members of the actual human race. It’s very important for you to be sensitive to the fact that, during this difficult transition from child to adult, your teenagers are undergoing intense emotional stresses that cause them, for solid psychological reasons, to regard you as the biggest geek ever to roam the planet. This is because a teenager’s life is an extremely intense, impossibly complex drama, and you cannot possibly understand the plot. All you can do is blunder around like some kind of nearsighted elephant, making a mess of
everything
, including the seemingly simple act of asking a passing waitress for ketchup.

YOU
: Waitress, could we please have some ketchup?

YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
: Oh FATHER! How
COULD you??
(Crying, she rushes from the restaurant.)

YOU
: What did I do? What did I do?

YOUR OTHER DAUGHTER
(in the tone of voice you might use to address an ax murderer):
What did you DO? Do you realize who you just asked for ketchup?

YOU
: A waitress?

YOUR OTHER DAUGHTER
: That was
Jennifer Wienerbunker!
The captain of the cheer-leading squad! You asked her for
ketchup
.

YOU
(raising your voice slightly):
But she’s a
waitress
.

YOUR OTHER DAUGHTER
: Oh FATHER!
(Crying, she rushes from the restaurant.)

Also, teenagers are bored. By everything. Show a teenager an actual volcanic eruption, in progress, featuring giant billowing clouds of smoke, hot rocks raining from the sky, lava flows destroying entire villages, etc., and the teenager, eyebrows arched with sarcasm, will look at you and say, “Gee, this is
swell,”
then return to the rental car, turn on his portable CD player, and listen to a band called Stomach Contents.

So as a parent, you may feel that your wisest course is to postpone your family traveling until your teenage child has reached a more reasonable age, such as forty-eight. If this is not possible, you’ll want to follow the:

1. Always Remain Outside of the Embarrassment Zone
. If you get too close to your teenager in public, your teenager will become concerned that
other
teenagers might think that your teenager was somehow
connected
with you, which of course would be hideously embarrassing. So while traveling you must always maintain the Minimum Acceptable Public Distance, as shown in this figure:

Minimum Acceptable Distance Between Parent and Teenaged Child in Public

2.
Find Activities That Are Interesting to Teenagers
. If the teenager is bored with an activity that you have planned, simply select an activity that he or she might find more interesting. Here is a handy chart to help you do this:

See
the USA First!

A
s
Americans, we are fortunate to live in a large nation
¹
of incredible variety, as is so eloquently described in the moving opening lines of “America the Beautiful”:

Yes, this is a land of rich diversity, from the towering skyscrapers of Manhattan all the way to the towering mounds of garbage piled up
next
to the towering skyscrapers of Manhattan, and you owe it to yourself, as an American, to see it all. Why go to Europe, with its high prices and strange food and incomprehensible lingos, when, with just a little effort, you can find those things right here?

To help you get the most out of your “American Adventure,” we’ve prepared the following state-by-state breakdown of Useful Facts and Tips. The information for this section was obtained via an exhaustive process of typing the name of a state and then trying to remember if we or anybody we knew had ever been there. Also, we got a lot of useful information from our son’s encyclopedia, a handy reference work that we always carry along when we travel, which is why we need a back operation.

Often called “The Pancreas of Dixie,” Alabama offers a tremendous amount of culture as well as turnips. The State Flower is the camelia; the State Dog is named “Booger” and you should not wake him up. Montgomery, Alabama, was the first capital of the Confederacy and in 1861 was the site of the inauguration of legendary Civil War coach Paul “Bear” Bryant. Many other fascinating historic and cultural events have also occurred in this dynamic state. Ask around.

Despite being close to Alabama in the encyclopedia, Alaska is actually located in Canada. This is only one of the astounding facts about this dynamic state, which is so big that if you were to walk across it at the rate of 25 miles per day, you would get moose poop all over your shoes. You find moose poop
everywhere
in Alaska. You can buy souvenirs made from it. We once bought (this is true) some moose-poop swizzle sticks in Alaska’s largest city, Anchorage, where our hotel had a huge stuffed bear in the lobby striking a pose that said: “Welcome to Alaska! I am going to rip your face off!” Alaska also contains large quantities of nature in the form of tundra (“tundra” is the Eskimo word for “nothing”) and glaciers, which are enormous pieces of ice that have somehow developed the ability to creep around, which is a pretty scary concept and we just hope that they don’t learn to walk erect. The Official State Motto of Alaska is “Brrrrrrr!” The Official State Bird is covered with oil.

When you think of Arizona, you naturally think of one of the great wonders of the world, a spectacular natural formation carved out of the rock over millions of years by the Colorado River, namely: Niagara Falls. But this dynamic state
also features the subtler beauty of the desert (“desert” is a Spanish word meaning “tundra”), home of the scorpion, which is the Official State Creature That Crawls into Your Shoe and Can Cause Paralysis. Another popular attraction is London Bridge, which was transported stone by stone from England hidden in the luggage of a group of very aggressive souvenir-seeking Arizonans on a European tour. They would have got more, but a suspicious British airport security employee opened one of their carry-on bags and discovered a large segment of Stonehenge.

With its ideal location somewhere in the United States that we can never quite picture in our mind, Arkansas offers convenient access to adjoining regions, plus a football team whose fans wear masks with giant hog snouts (at least we
assume
those are masks). It is little wonder that millions of visitors flock to this dynamic state each year, purchase gasoline, and continue flocking on through. Among the many fascinating historic events that have occurred in Arkansas are the Louisiana Purchase, bauxite, and Hernando de Soto. Also Arkansas once elected a governor named “Orval E. Faubus.” The Official State Egg Order is “over medium.”

The nation’s most populous state, California truly lives up to its dynamic nickname, “The Nation’s Most Populous State,” with enough uniformed parking valets in Los Angeles alone to conquer Eastern Europe. Southern California also boasts more than 57 billion convenient miles of freeway and many fascinating places to visit, although we frankly have no idea which exit you take to get to them. But you should definitely try to find Universal Studios, where you can get a “behind-the-scenes” look at an actual working amusement park, including a terrifying ride where, in the climactic finale, you are attacked by a realistic fourteen-ton animated replica of Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Visitors to Northern California will definitely want to visit Wine Country, where they can snork down a couple dozen free samples and then go experience the dry heaves amidst the awesome towering grandeur of the giant redwoods, which are the oldest living things on Earth that are not members of the Grateful Dead. And of course no trip to Northern California would be complete without a visit to San Francisco, whose romantic charm inspired the immortal Tony Bennett song, “Don’t Mess with My Toot Toot.” Be sure to join several tons of carbohydrate-bloated visitors for a ride on a quaint cable car, lurching up quaint “hills” that are actually 800-foot vertical drops as the cable-car driver dings the quaint little bell, sending out the cheerful message “ding-a-ding-ding,”
which is code for: “Look out, my cable is badly frayed.”