Days of You and Me (23 page)

As though she’d picked up on my thoughts, Quinn sighed a little and shook her head. “His name is Allan Crocker. He played for San Francisco a long time ago.”

“Crocker?” The name sounded vaguely familiar.

“Yep. He was on the 1989 team, the one that won the Super Bowl against Denver. So he played with some of the greats, but from what Dawn says and the research I’ve done, Allan wasn’t really a star. He was a defensive end, played well enough, but you know.” She lifted a shoulder. “Just a supporting player.”

“So why’s he writing a book?” In my mind, most football players had very little business writing a book. Who the hell wanted to read about what we did on the field, unless it was in the Monday morning newspaper?

Quinn smiled a little. “After he retired, he and his wife started up a hamburger franchise. They named it after their son, Gunner.”

“Gunner’s Burger Bistro?” Now
that
I’d heard of—hell, I’d eaten at a Gunner’s more than once.

“That’s the one.” Quinn nodded. “Gunner was their only child. He was also born prematurely, with a degenerative muscle disease. He died when he was sixteen. That’s kind of what Allan wants to write about.”

“Jesus!” I exploded. “And Dawn thought this would be good for you? Haven’t you been through enough?”

Quinn cocked one eyebrow. “Dawn thought it would be healthy for me to get away, to have a fresh start some place new. And Allan feels like I’ll be a good fit, because I have some experience with what they lived through with Gunner.”

“And what do
you
think, Mia?” I gave in and reached across to her, letting one finger slide over a curl that hung just below her cheek.

She shivered and her eyes fell closed, just as they used to when I kissed her, or when we were in bed together. It took every ounce of my strength to stop myself from slipping my fingers under her hair, around the back of her neck, and pulling her face close to me.

Quinn moved back, just slightly, but enough that it broke the spell. “What do I think? Honestly, Leo, I don’t know anymore. I feel like at the time my life’s supposed to be starting, I’m treading water. I’m living with my mom, two lonely women—two widows—rattling around in that house until she sells it and leaves, and I’m working at a job that doesn’t challenge me in any way. I’m tired of waiting for life to begin, so I’ve decided I’m going to go out and find where it might be.”

“And California’s the answer to that?” My voice sounded rough, like a growl.

“It might be. I found out Virginia sure as hell isn’t.” She snapped out the words, smacking me in the face with them as sure as if she’d struck me.

“
Quinn
.” I raked my fingers through my hair. “God. Don’t—what happened last month shouldn’t make you feel like you have to move across the fucking country to have a life. It’s only been—not even three months since Nate—since he passed. Maybe you just need some time.”

“Yeah, I do,” she agreed. “I need the time, but I need the space, too. The distance. Nate said it might be a good idea. I mean, before, when we talked about what was going to happen . . . after.”

“Oh, did he?”
Fucking Nate.
He’d been telling me how I needed to act in order to be good enough for Quinn, while at the same time, he was telling her that she might have to move away from me. A spurt of irrational anger shuddered through me.

“He said it might be easier for me to have a few months away. It was already on my mind, and when Dawn brought up this job, it felt like things fell into place. Allan and his wife have friends whose apartment is going to be empty for this next year while they travel, so they’ve arranged for me to live there.” She smiled a little. “I’ve never been to that part of the country. I’m excited about it. I’m looking forward to the change.”

I grunted, and she rolled her eyes.

“Leo, please. Can’t you be even a little bit happy for me? You’ve got everything you ever wanted—your career, a beautiful home and a life. I don’t have anything right now, and all I want is a chance to see if I can find it.”

“I don’t have everything I ever wanted.” It was as close as I could come to admitting the truth, to pouring out my heart to her. But despite the fact that I didn’t want to accept it, part of me realized Quinn was right. This was exactly what Nate had been trying to tell me: she had to find a little of herself before she could belong to me. Or before we could belong to each other. I just had to hope and pray that herself was all she found on the West Coast. The idea of her meeting another guy made me physically ill.

“Leo.” She laid her fingers on my arm, and I could feel the heat of her through my thin sweater. “Last month, I made a big mistake, going down to Richmond and basically begging you to take me back. It was . . . humiliating and hurtful. I don’t want to do that to you or to me again. But if I stay here and keep going through the motions that I am now, it’s going to happen again. I’ll get desperate, and you’ll be my only lifeboat. I can’t let that go on. It’s not good for either of us.”

I wanted to fall down onto my knees and admit how much it had fucking killed me to turn her away last month. How sick I’d been when she’d left, and how I’d gotten drunk off my ass to wipe away the memory of her tear-stained face. But it wasn’t the time, not yet. If I told her, she’d think I was just trying to persuade her not to go to California. And maybe I was.

“So . . . a year? That’s how long you’re going to be there?” I knew how fast a year could go by. Time could pass in the blink of an eye. But right now, it felt like a fucking eternity.

Quinn hesitated. “I don’t know for sure. I don’t think it’s going to take that long to write the book. Allan already has it outlined, and he knows what he wants to do. But I have the year if I need it, or if I want it.”

“Okay.” That was a tiny sliver of hope at the end of a dark tunnel. Less than a year, then. I could handle that. Couldn’t I? I could be her friend for that long. Shit, all that distance might actually make it possible for us to be friends, when the crazy attraction between us wasn’t such an issue. “But you’ll stay in touch, right? We can text and call?”

“Of course.” She wrapped her arms around herself in that classic Quinn move, hugging her middle. “I’m not going to know a soul out there. I might drive you crazy with all my texts. You might have to block me, or report me as a stalker.”

I managed a crooked smile. “Nah, I’d just have my people file a restraining order. You know, making sure you have to stay at least fifty feet away from me at all times.”

“That wouldn’t really be a problem, since I’m going to be, like, three thousand miles away from you.” Her teeth sank down into her full bottom lip. “I’ve never been that far from you before.”

“Sure you were. Last year, we played at least three games on the West Coast. And I’m pretty certain you were here in New Jersey all that time.”

She sniffled a little. “True, but that was
you
going away from me. This is
me
, being away from you and my mom and everyone I know. I’m excited, but I’m also scared shitless.”

I laughed softly. “That’s how these things work. When I first went down to Carolina, remember how scared I was? And same when I went to Richmond the first time. If you’re not terrified at least some of your life, you’re probably not living.”

“I feel like for the last five years, I’ve been just holding on between horrible things.” Quinn dropped her head back so that it bumped gently into the wall. “First my dad dying, and then everything with . . . you and me, and then Matt and Nate. I realized the other day that I wake up every morning dreading what’s going to hit me today. I don’t want to be like that. I want to open my eyes, excited about the next adventure, not the next tragedy. I think I’ve had my fill. I want to embrace some happy for a little while.”

“I get that.” I leaned back, too, watching her. “The selfish part of me doesn’t want you to go clear across the country, but the better half of my heart understands. Maybe this time, I’ll actually pay attention to that better half. Hey, do you think that qualifies as growth? Am I becoming a deeper person?”

Quinn giggled, and my heart cracked open. Making her laugh, seeing her smile . . . that was what I needed. And dammit, if it took a few months in California to bring back that happier Quinn, I could last that long.

“Maybe you are, Leo. But do me a favor, okay? Don’t change too much. Stay who you are. I’m not sure I can handle more adjustments.”

“I think I can make that promise.” I held open my arms. “So . . . one hug for the road? I’m guessing I won’t see you again before you leave. I head back to Richmond on the first flight tomorrow morning.”

“Then . . . yes. This is good-bye.” She only hesitated a moment before stepping into my arms.

I wrapped her in a tight hug, letting myself relax and enjoy the rare luxury of her body pressed into mine, her face buried in my chest and her arms twined around my neck. Breathing in her intoxicating Quinn scent, I risked brushing my lips over the top of her head.

“Not good-bye. Just . . . talk to you later. Right?”

She nodded, her hair tickling against my chin. I could feel her battling for control, even as a quick sob wracked her.

I dipped my mouth to her ear. “You got this, babe. You can do it. Go out there and make that city your bitch.” I closed my eyes against the threat of tears as I whispered once more.

“Love you, Mia Quinn. Never forget it.”

Unpack Your Heart
by Phillip Phillips

Q
uinn:
Hey—just wanted to let you know I arrived safely in California. The apartment is beautiful. Allan and his wife are really nice. Hope all is good with you.

I stared at the text for a solid minute, hating every word. It sounded stilted and formal, the kind of thing I might send a work acquaintance or an aunt I hadn’t spoken with in a long time instead of the person who was closer to me than anyone else in the world.

Or who used to be, and maybe that was the problem.

Finally, I hit send and tossed the telephone down on the couch, sighing. When it came to Leo, everything felt uncertain and murky. I couldn’t quite find my footing. I’d been proud of how well I’d handled our meeting at his brother’s engagement party; I knew I’d taken him by surprise with my announcement. He’d seemed almost unhappy that I was moving across the country. I’d expected him to be relieved that I was leaving, after my disastrous visit to Virginia.

Still, I’d managed to stay both aloof and calm without seeming angry or hurt. I hoped that image was the one that would stick with Leo instead of the one where I was a crying, blubbering mess, begging for his love. That one wasn’t pretty, and it wasn’t like me. I’d always thought of myself as strong and independent, not needing to lean on anyone, but the last months had proven to me just how wrong I’d been.

After Leo had dropped me at the train station in Richmond that morning, I’d sat in the waiting room, numb and staring, until we were invited to board. Once on the train, I’d managed to nod off now and then, but mostly, I tried not to cry. I was ashamed of what I’d done, embarrassed by how I’d acted with Leo and hurt by how he’d treated me. I’d had a huge pity party for one until Zelda had picked me up at the station in Philadelphia.

When I’d opened the car and climbed in, I’d shot her a dark look. “Not a word. Please. If you love me as your friend, no I-told-you-so’s or anything.”

“I wouldn’t ever, doll.” She’d begun to drive. “But I will ask the hard question. What now?”

I’d sighed, sinking further into the seat. “I have no fucking clue. I guess I’ll go home, hang out there until my mom sells the house out from under me, and then . . . I’ll find somewhere to live. I need to call Dawn and start working again, too, so that I have enough money to pay rent.”

“That sounds like the most horrible plan ever. Quinn, come on! Take charge, woman. This is your life, doll. Don’t sit back and wait for it to happen to you. Jump in and make decisions.” She’d rolled her eyes. “The first thing you need to do when you get home is to apologize to your mom. She’s been so upset. You know how much she loves you—are you seriously going to stand in the way of her being happy?”