Days of You and Me (27 page)

I swallowed hard, my eyes fastened on the texture of the taupe carpet that covered the floor. “But he’s gone. How can I blame him or forgive him now? And what good will that do?”

“For him, nothing.” Kara’s voice was crisp. “Nate doesn’t need it. From everything you’ve told me, he ended his life in perfect peace, with no worry or regrets, and that’s a wonderful gift you gave him. Now it’s time to give yourself the same peace. Admit how you feel about what Nate did, and then move on.
You
are the one who needs it.”

My hands were shaking. “I . . .” Licking my lips, I started over. “What Nate did was crappy. By asking me to marry him when we both knew he was dying, he made it almost impossible for me to say no to him.” A surge of old anger welled up in me. “I’ve been mad at him for doing it and mad at me for not telling him so. And I’m fucking mad at myself for saying yes. I don’t know why I did.”

Allan gripped my shoulder. “But you did, and it’s over. One of my biggest lessons after Gunner died was letting go of the should-haves and could-haves. Once he was gone, beating myself up was a lot easier than dealing with the grief. I had to learn to move on, knowing I did the best I could under the circumstances. You need to do that, too. What you did for Nate was beautiful, Quinn. Kara and I talk about it a lot, thinking about what we might have done if Gunner had been older and had had someone like you in his life. Would either of us have been strong enough to tell our son he had crossed a line? I don’t know. But you’re a young woman with a tremendous capacity for love and compassion and friendship, and marrying Nate was something you did out of that capacity. It wasn’t wrong. But maybe it wasn’t right, either.”

Kara gathered me close to her and hugged me tight. “This is all a process, sweetheart. Allan and I learned a long time ago that things happen as they’re meant to, and we think you’re here in our lives for a reason. Gunner . . .” She closed her eyes, and I could see the struggle in her expression. “He was here with us for a short time. When we got the idea to start the restaurant in his name and to use the proceeds to create the charity, we felt like his life hadn’t been without meaning. When we decided to write this book, it was another way of keeping him alive. And each time we use what we learned over the course of Gunner’s life to help someone else, he’s not completely gone. He’s still with us. You’re an integral part of maintaining his legacy now. You won’t forget him, just like you’ll never forget Nate.”

Quinn:
Hey, are you busy?

Leo:
No. Just laying here hoping to die.

Quinn:
Why?? What’s wrong? Are you okay?

Leo:
Yeah, sorry. Spring conditioning is brutal. Just got back home, made it as far as my couch. Not sure I’ll move again tonight.

Quinn:
Oh, you poor thing. What did they make you do?

Leo:
Sprints. Bear crawls. Burpees. You know, the trifecta.

Quinn:
Yikes. I’ll let you rest. Text me later if you have a minute.

Leo:
No, I’m fine. As long as I’m laying here hurting, I might as well chat with you.

Quinn:
Ummm, thank you?

Leo:
LOL no, no, no, didn’t mean it that way. Just that talking to you distracts me from feeling bad. What’s up? You all right?

Quinn:
Yeah, I am. I just . . . I wanted to tell you I’m sorry, Leo. I never really said that to you, but I am sorry. I spent a lot of time today talking with Kara and Allan about Nate. I guess I finally admitted to myself how mad at him I’ve been.

Leo:
Mad at Nate? For what, dying?

Quinn:
No, for asking me to marry him. For forcing me into that choice.

Leo:
Okay. Ah . . . I’m not sure what to say here.

Quinn:
You don’t have to say anything. I needed to tell you this, but you don’t owe me a thing.

Leo:
I was mad at him, too. When I went to see him the last time, I wanted to hit him. You know I never would, but I was so pissed.

Quinn:
I know you wouldn’t. But you had a right to be angry. At Nate and at me.

Leo:
I’m not angry at you, Mia.

Quinn:
But you should be. And not just for saying yes to Nate. I never should have left you that summer down in Carolina. I ran out on you, I gave up on us . . . I’m sorry for that, too.

Leo:
Quinn? Stop being sorry.

Quinn:
Don’t worry. I’m not living in regret-land. But I have to say it to you before I can move on. Otherwise, it would just keep eating at me.

Leo:
Okay, apologies heard and accepted. Do you feel better now?

Quinn:
I think I do. I actually feel like today, after talking to Kara and Allan about so many things . . . and crying a lot, maybe I’m moving on. Maybe I’m growing. Imagine that.

Leo:
Mia, I’m proud of you. This shit isn’t easy. So what’s the next step?

Quinn:
I guess I want to just be for a little while. I want to see how it feels to live without the anger and the regret. It’s all part of healing. And then—I don’t know.

Leo:
What about for us? What’s the next step for us?

Quinn:
Is there an us? I thought maybe I broke that forever.

Leo:
Babe, there will always be an us. The best days of you and me are still to come.

Quinn:
How can you be so sure? I’ve done just about everything I could to destroy any chance we had.

Leo:
No, you didn’t. And I’m sure because I can’t imagine a future that doesn’t have you in it.

Quinn:
And here I thought I couldn’t cry anymore today. There you go, proving me wrong again. As usual.

Leo:
You’re crying? Mia Quinn, why? I didn’t want to make you sad.

Quinn:
You didn’t. They’re happy tears. Maybe relieved tears. Cleansing tears.

Leo:
Okay, babe. Have I told you I miss you?

Quinn:
Not today.

Leo:
I miss you. So much. Although if I’m going to tell the truth, not sure if I’d want you to see the pitiful, broken man I am just now. You might decide I’m not worth the effort.

Quinn:
That would never happen. Never.

Leo:
You feel better now?

Quinn:
Yeah, actually. I think I might take a nap before dinner. Allan and Kara are taking me to their favorite Italian place, but we couldn’t get reservations until late. I might fall asleep in my risotto if I don’t rest first.

Leo:
Okay, babe. Text me later?

Quinn:
I will. Thank you, Leo. xxx ooo

Leo:
Sending you this picture to prove that I made it through spring conditioning in one piece. Today was the last day. Until the mandatory mini-camp, of course. Which starts next week.

Quinn:
You know, you might warn a girl before you send her a photo that almost stops her heart. Uh, wow. I thought you were pretty damn cut and buff when you were working out during college, but . . . excuse me while I wipe the drool off the screen.

Leo:
If every part of me didn’t hurt, I might have jumped up and sprinted across the country to you just now. Pretty sure I’ve run the equivalent of 3K miles over the past month.

Quinn:
I can’t even imagine. Although I have to say, I think I’m in better shape now than I’ve ever been, thanks to walking the hills of San Francisco. And of course Kara and Allan are health nuts. They’re always feeding me protein shakes, kale salads and veggies. I’m never going to be one of those super-athletic girls, but I do feel like I’m more toned. Healthier.

Leo:
Babe, I like you the way you are. You’ve always been the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. I’m happy that you feel healthier. You sound (on text) better, too.

Quinn:
I think I am. Allan and I are going over the final edits today. I’m proud of the work we’ve done. This book might not break records or even hit the lists, but it’s an important story, and I hope lots of people read it.

Leo:
It’s going to be wildly successful. I just have a feeling. So when does Zelda get there?

Quinn:
Tomorrow morning. She’s already complaining about how early she has to get up, but I can’t wait to see her. Hard to believe how much I’ve missed her—remember how different from each other we were back in freshman year?

Leo:
You’re still different from each other. Nothing against Zelda, but I like you better.

Quinn:
That’s good to hear. I was kind of worried, you know. ;)

Leo:
Yeah, you know me. I can’t resist the chicks who threatened to cut off my dick, grind it up and feed it to the dogs.

Quinn:
What?! When did that happen?

Leo:
Uh, maybe I never told you that. Remember when I flew up to surprise you sophomore year? After the Arkansas game? I met Zelda and she gave me that warning. It’s the kind you never forget, you know?

Quinn:
Wow. Sorry about that. I had no idea. Z can be a little protective of me. Sometimes I think she sees me as weaker than she is.

Leo:
I’m not sure it’s that. Think it’s more that she sees you as better than she is. Nobler, maybe? She told me that night you were the best person she’d ever known. Zelda puts on a good show, but she doesn’t have a very high opinion of herself. At least that’s my hunch.

Quinn:
You’re right about that. I think it’s part of the problem between Tuck and Z. Deep down, she doesn’t feel like she’s good enough for him.

Leo:
I can relate. That’s actually something Nate said to me, the last time I saw him—that me feeling that way wasn’t helping us. But I’ve always felt like I couldn’t measure up to who you needed me to be.

Quinn:
Is that because of something I did? Did I make you feel that way?

Leo:
No. I think it’s because I’ve always known who you are—I’ve known your heart. Every time you stood up for Nate, every time you gave up something for him and I didn’t, I knew you were right and I was wrong. After a while, it was just easier to accept that I couldn’t measure up to the example you set.

Quinn:
But maybe all those times I wasn’t doing the right thing. Maybe by giving into what Nate wanted, I was hurting all of us.

Leo:
You did the right thing, Mia. I’m not saying you didn’t.

Quinn:
I know that’s not what you meant. But isn’t it sad that it took Nate dying for us to figure all this out?

Leo:
It’s what he wanted. He told me all he wanted was to know you could be happy. I think if he could see you now, he’d be proud of you.

Quinn:
I think so, too. Kara and Allan talk about Gunner’s legacy. Maybe that’s what Nate left us. It’s why he’ll always be part of who we are.

Leo:
Okay, now you’re getting too deep for this simple-minded football player. I should probably go grab a shower, anyway. Assuming I can drag my ass down the hall.

Quinn:
Don’t hurt yourself. I’m going to get back to work on this manuscript. I’ll talk to you later. xxx ooo

Leo:
Miss you, babe. Tell Zelda I said hey, and you two have fun.