Daystar (71 page)

“What, Jegudiel?
 
What stopped you?”

“I was sickened.
 
I ran to get away.”
 
Jegudiel snarled, his eyes wild and black once more.
 
“She made me feel ill, that I could want something as depraved as she is!
 
She is vile and disgusting!”

“You are disgusting and vile!”
 
Helion slapped Jegudiel across the face.
 
“She made you feel nothing;
you
made yourself ill with your horrid actions.
 
You disgusted yourself!
 
Your feelings of rage are for you alone!
 
You are deranged.”

“I am free!”

“Free?”

“Free from being vulnerable to her or any other woman.
 
I am going to go my own way.
 
I’ll never be stupid enough to love anyone again!”

“Then you
did
love her.”

Jegudiel glared at him.
 
“In the past when I was weak.
 
I do not love her anymore.”

“If you do not, why just not leave her alone entirely?
 
Ignore her.
 
Why do you seek to harm her still?”
 
Helion shook him.

“So that she won’t do that with anyone else.”

“Try to assault them?
 
No, she won’t and you can see that clearly.
 
She is repentant.”

“I don’t want her to be with anyone, at all, ever.”
 
Jegudiel fought against telling Helion the truth, but he could not tell a lie.
 
“I want her to remain mine.
 
I will not be with her, but I want her with no others.
 
I want her to be alone, unhappy as I am.”

Helion’s eyes grew dark.
 
“You seek to damage her as much as Belial was so that the thought of sex and of love repels her.”

Jegudiel bit his tongue, but he couldn’t hold it back.
 
“Yes.
 
She ruined love for me.
 
I seek to ruin it for her.
 
We can be ruined together.”

Helion slammed Jegudiel’s head into the ground.
 
“Jegudiel, I am struggling.
 
Please help me.”

“Struggling?”

“I am trying to save you, for yourself, but also so that Paimon and Furcas do not kill you.
 
But, now I find myself wanting to harm you a great deal.”
 
He trembled.
 
“I am not the one that should be doing this, but no one else is here.
 
So please, do not make me do something I will regret.”

“Helion, I cannot be any other way than I am now.”
 
Jegudiel grabbed at him.
 
“She betrayed my trust and my feelings and so it is only right that she is betrayed as well.
 
We suffer together, as lovers should.”

Helion’s eyes blazed blue.
 
“You are
not
lovers!
 
And even if you were, lovers support each other in the bad times.
 
They raise each other up!
 
You do not bring each other down!”

“I didn’t bring her down!”
 
Jegudiel went red in the face.
 
“She was already down in the mire since birth!
 
All I have done is join her there.
 
I have sunk down into her mess because she cannot be anything but disgusting!
 
So I am now equal to her!
 
Shouldn’t that be what partners are?
 
Equals?
”

“If she was down in the mire why did you not try and lift her up?”

“That is impossible!”

“What happened to love triumphs over all adversity?
 
Why are you able to see this clearly with others but you are so easily hurt and broken by hardship when it is your own?”

Jegudiel blinked.
 
“I was not prepared for it.
 
Helion, I should have fallen in love with a good woman.
 
I am the Archangel of Love.
 
My love should have been pure and the one I love should have been pure.
 
Bean is the last person that I should be with.
 
Her desires and will…they are the opposite of mine.
 
She is everything that I despise about relationships that are made from sex and lust only.
 
This, her, it ruins it.
 
How can I rule over the ward of love if I cannot have a love that is good?
 
And that I desire
her
,” Jegudiel wailed.
 
“Means that I am not worthy of being the Archangel of Love and so I have cast off that mantle.”

Helion snarled.
 
“The Archangel of Love should have the hardest trials in the matter!
 
You are to be a beacon of what can be overcome by love!
 
You are supposed to be an example to others, not a fucking
warning!
”
 
Helion shook him.
 
“If you of all people cannot do this, what fucking chance do the rest of us have at happiness?”

Jegudiel sobbed.
 
“She’s not right for me, Helion!”

“And you’re not right for
anyone!
 
Sounds like a fucking perfect match!”
 
Helion lifted him off the ground.
 
“Do you love her still?”

“Yes!”

“Then return to yourself.
 
Lose the hate that fills your heart!”

“What is the point?”
 
Jegudiel went limp in his arms.

“Setting right a wrong in the very least and if you cannot love again, if you truly seek to vacate your position then make your last duty her healing.”

Jegudiel shook his head.
 
“She won’t forgive me.”

“Why?
 
Because
you
couldn’t forgive her, therefore she must not be able to forgive you?”

“Yes!”

“Bean is not you, Jegudiel, and perhaps,
maybe
, you might want to see the good in her, that she can forgive when you cannot.
 
Bean has a good heart.
 
She sought you out to save you from the coming battle, she thought you hurt, possibly very much so.
 
Bean came out here, putting herself at risk for
you
, despite how much you hurt her!
 
She understands your ailment, better than you understand it.”

“Because she caused it!”

“Because she loves you, Jegudiel.”
 
Helion shook him.
 
“She understands you because you are her soul mate.”

“No!”
 
Jegudiel punched at Helion’s hands.
 
“She does not love, does not know it!
 
Nothing she does is for love.”

“Why are you so blind?”
 
Helion growled.
 
“Before this, Bean sought you out to apologize?”

“Yes.”

“Bean put herself at your mercy.
 
She trusted you, Jegudiel.
 
She offered up her pride in the hope that you would return her feelings and forgive her.
 
You betrayed that trust and hurt her, but even then, she comes for you again, knowing that you would seek to harm her.
 
Even after you attacked her, when you called for her, she faltered, stopped, unable to bear the thought that maybe I was hurting you.
 
She would have come back if I had said nothing; she would have put herself at your mercy again, as she will in the future, because she is as senseless with her emotions as you are.”

Helion took a deep breath.
 
“She is an exemplar of love and forgiveness, while you are an exemplar of hate and revenge.
 
She is
brave
while you are being the
coward
.
 
She has risen up and seeks to have you join her.
 
She is willing to sacrifice herself for you; an action no one would do unless they loved.”

Jegudiel remembered his words to Andy, the words he had sworn to live by.
 
His teeth chattered and the shadows around him dropped away.
 
“Sacrifice…she…she loves me?”

“Yes!”

“I—I love her, Helion, I do.”
 
Jegudiel trembled.
 
“I have, I will, I—”

“Good!”

Jegudiel shook his head.
 
He broke out in goose bumps.
 
“But I am afraid of her.”

“And now she is afraid of you.
 
Congratulations, you stupid fuck.”
 
Helion set Jegudiel on his feet and stared into his eyes.
 
“Get yourself together.
 
You have a problem in front of you and you need to fix it.
 
You need to mend things between you.”

“I can’t, Helion!”
 
Jegudiel burst into tears.
 
“Helion, I’ve ruined this!
 
I love her and I’ve ruined this!
 
It’s all screwed!”

Helion drew him into a hug.
 
“No, Jegudiel.
 
It is not ruined; it is however in dire peril and not only because your imminent death is on the minds of her fathers.”

Jegudiel opened his eyes.
 
“She told them.”

“No, but they saw her like that and they are smart enough to come to the right conclusions.”

“Fuck!”
 
Jegudiel blinked and his eyes were light blue.
 
“I am so screwed!
 
I can’t go up against
them!
 
They’re devious and violent!
 
Besides,” he sobbed.
 
“She needs to be with someone else.
 
After what I did, I don’t deserve anyone; I don’t even deserve to live.
 
I hate myself.”

Helion lifted his chin up.
 
“You did a terrible thing, yes, so did she.
 
She’s appropriately sorry, so are you.”

“Two wrongs do not make a right.”

Helion sighed.
 
“Look at it this way.
 
Life is full of pain, misery.
 
You two have served each other up enough wretched behavior for a lifetime.
 
Now you can settle back and have good times without any more of that.”

Jegudiel took a deep breath.
 
“Though that sounds good in theory; I doubt she’ll see it that way.
 
Besides, what is the point?
 
Paimon and Furcas are going to kill me regardless of any terms her and I might come to.
 
I should just wait for their return and accept my punishment by handing myself over to them.
 
Just make sure it’s quick, Helion.
 
I do not want them taking their time.”

Helion held both his shoulders.
 
“Is this what the avatar of love does?
 
Fails and gives up?
 
Are you the Archangel of
pathetic losers?
 
You said love triumphs over all adversity and all of its adversaries.
 
Isn’t that just perfect then?
 
You have a lot of things to triumph over now, two of which are named Paimon and Furcas, and if nothing
else
motivates you…wouldn’t you like to beat them at something just
once?
”

Jegudiel wiped his eyes.
 
“They will not let me near her again.”

Helion pointed to the sky.
 
“They fight above.
 
You literally have now or never, Jegudiel.
 
If you don’t do this now, you won’t get to.
 
Got it?
 
You need to act
now
.”

Jegudiel looked to the sky.
 
“You’re right!”
 
He burst into golden light.
 
“Where is she?
 
Shit, what do I even say when we find her?
 
Sorry for the attempted rape, Bean, I was a bit out of sorts.
 
Fuck!”
 
Jegudiel slapped himself in the face.
 
“Fuck!
 
How could I have done that?”

Helion grabbed his hands.
 
“Enough of that.
 
Just tell her you’re sorry, I’m sure the details will come at the time.
 
Let’s go.”
 
He jumped into the air and dragged Jegudiel up with him.
 
“Flap your wings damn it!
 
We don’t have time for you to feel sorry for yourself.
 
You’re not a boy anymore, Jegudiel.
 
Be a man and face your problems!”

Something in Jegudiel snapped.
 
He shuddered and aged into his twenties in a blink.
 
He gaped at his hands and flew straight up into the air.
 
The sky lost its light as Ra took a break.
 
Jegudiel glowed golden in the darkness.
 
His chest surged with new strength and hope.
 
“She went back to the city?”