Dead Nolte (16 page)

“What the fuck are you two bootie bandits looking for?"

Both men turned to find Nolte huffing on his giant
sunglasses and polishing them with a small tuft of stuffing he’d plucked from
the side of his diaper. “Wouldn’t be my nest egg you’re after, would it?” Nolte
looked at his reflection in his shades and smoothed his hand over his thin
comb-over. “Not a bad head of hair, considering the chemo.” He put the
sunglasses on and grinned. “You flit boys couldn’t find your dicks, with both
hands and three tries.”

It was Ron’s turn to grin. “Come over here, Charlie.” He
jerked his head toward his car and walked around to the trunk.

Nolte followed the two, closely. He stepped on the back of
Charlie’s shoe, peeling it off his heel. “Flat tire motherfucker!”
 
Nolte shouted. Charlie spun on Nolte,
reaching for his throat, but the old man blinked out of existence and popped
back in, on the other side of Ron, cackling like a fool. Charlie muttered about
cocksuckers, as he bent down to thumb the back of his shoe up over his heel.

“Go ahead and laugh, shithead, you just made my short list.”
Nolte peeked over his bug-eyed shades and grinned his big yellow grin.

Ron accidently on purpose threw an elbow into Nolte’s gut
and popped the trunk of his car. Beneath a carefully folded blanket lay a metal
detector.

“How do you like it, Nolte?” It was his turn to grin again.

Nolte leaned closer to get a look. “
You
dumb fucks. You do realize that houses are put together with nails, and nails
are made of metal, right?” He dismissed the detector with a wave of the back of
his hand. “You two retards are going to be chasing beeps until the cows come
home.”

“Welcome to the age of technology, Mr. Flintstone. This
new-fangly watch-finder tells you when you’ve struck gold, platinum, aluminum,
copper... No digging required. I can make steel and iron disappear with a tap
on the screen.” It was still his turn to grin. “A tap of the screen here and
this little beauty will focus on silver coins and nest eggs.”

Nolte suddenly looked sick.

Ron nudged Charlie in his side. “Let’s go find some
treasure, Matey.”

As they turned and walked toward the house, Charlie began
whistling Bluetail Fly. Ron stopped suddenly. “What the fuck brought that tune
on?”

“I don’t know; the song’s been stuck in my head all day.”

“Those hickerbilly cunts won’t let you keep my nest egg!”
Nolte cried out behind them. “You can fuck off!”

 
“They won’t know shit
about your nest egg.” Ron tossed out over his shoulder, as they continued
toward the house.

“I can talk to Alice, dumb fucks. She can see me and I’ll spill
the beans all over her ass.” Now it was Nolte’s turn to grin. Nolte’s grin was
wide and toothy beneath his bug-eyed lady shades. He looked outrageous with his
hands on his hips and beer gut pooched out. A mutant albino cricket in a
Huggie, thought Ron.

“I’ll melt your fucking coin as soon as I get my hands on
it.” Ron threatened.

Nolte suddenly looked sick again. A sick, mutant albino
cricket in a Huggie.

A high pitched, “Ouchy,” rang out from the two Juniors.
Junior-Junior was bent at the waist, with his hands clamped between his knees.
“Hot, hot, hot!” he chanted. There was half a dozen, half cooked hotdogs,
scattered at his feet, the two that remained on the grill appeared to be cooked
to perfection. “Hot, hot, hot!” Junior-Junior rocked from foot to foot,
stomping the ground.

Suddenly, a guttural, primal scream erupted from the kid. He
spun into the grass and snatched the bowl off of Nolte’s birdbath. Still
spinning, he flung it out into the yard a good fifteen feet.

“Holy shit, that thing must weigh fifty pounds,” Charlie
exclaimed.

“Retard strength. I saw it on a documentary.” Ron concluded.
“Of Mice and Men Syndrome. Mark my words; someday that kid is going to kill
someone’s prom date.”

Junior-Junior looked sheepishly at the brothers, he held out
his hand as justification of his unraveling. “I got burned.”

Junior-Senior looked at his son with confused compassion.
“Did it hurt?”

Charlie shot Ron a grin and threw an elbow into his ribs.
“You owe me twenty, Bitch.”

***

N
olte
had flashed ahead of them; he was standing beside RJ by the time they entered
the kitchen. The old man seemed especially creepy under fluorescent lighting.
The frail, cancer ravaged body contrasted greatly with Nolte’s beaming
expression. It was obvious that the hulking mass of hillbilly could not see the
haggard Lollipop Kid next to him, Nolte had to leap out of the way when RJ
reached for his beer. Nolte’s smile widened at Charlie, it was clear that he
was having fun. Even when the old man was doing something he liked, Charlie
couldn’t remember Nolte ever having fun. Charlie smiled back; he wanted to
stick Nolte’s fun up Nolte’s diapered ass.

Martha seemed just as oblivious to Nolte. She was busy
looking for the answers to life’s questions in the bottom of the mixed drink,
which now sat before her. It was clear she was struggling with faith issues and
a desire to upend the glass and splash her tonsils with the satanic liquid.
RJ’s focus was also on Martha’s glass, though, he was willing her to drink. He
couldn’t believe his luck when she had fallen for his ruse, that it would calm
her while the brothers were around. However, he had an ulterior motive; it was
easier to talk Martha into some dick when she was drunk.

Before the Lord had seen fit to enter into his Martha, he
used to put the dick to her every time she turned around. Although she had
never been very enthusiastic about it, and she never actually initiated the
deed, RJ had always found her to be a willing participant. That all changed
once she found God, then it was birthdays and Father’s Day only. RJ didn’t know
much about the Good Book, but he was pretty sure it didn’t outlaw fucking.

Finally, RJ’s attempt at mind over matter broke through the
full armor of God Martha was wearing and she drank up.

So much for Jesus Juice, thought Ron. Martha had tried to
hide the evil beverage with a little hand wall as he passed.

It soon became apparent to Charlie, that Alice could see
Nolte. She was white as a sheet and staring at the diapered apparition. Charlie
winked at Ron and nodded his head toward Alice.

“Look at the stupid bitch, trying to wish me away.” Nolte
chuckled at Ron and Charlie as if he had abruptly switched teams and was now
their little buddy.

Alice’s head spun on her shoulders toward Ron and Charlie,
You
see him too? She mouthed the question.

Ron smiled and nodded for the both of them. Charlie was
already smiling. In fact, it looked as if he would burst into laughter at any
moment. It was obvious that the witch’s lawyers had failed to make contact with
Alice. It looked as if she might be struggling to put the unholy mess right in
her mind.

“What’s the matter, Miss Scarlet? You look like you have the
vapors.” Charlie asked. “Have you seen a ghost? Perhaps, you should slow down
on Granny’s Tennessee Tranquilizer.”

“What’s the metal detector for?” RJ interrupted, pointing at
it with his beer. RJ was one of those idiots that couldn’t pass a tool, without
commenting on it. He either had one just like it at home or knew a guy who knew
a guy.

“Detecting metal,” Charlie answered dryly, shooting him a
go-to-hell look, as passed him on the way to the living room. He threw his
elbow into Nolte’s chest on the way by.

“Faggot” Nolte grunted after he had waited for him to pass
out of arm’s reach. He threw his arms up to protect his chest as Ron passed.
He’s even a bigger chicken shit dead than he was alive, Ron thought.

The metal detector beeped several times when Charlie turned
it on. He quickly handed it to Ron, he wasn’t going to pretend he knew how to
work the thing, and he damned sure wasn’t going to ask RJ for his expertise.

The beeping caught RJ’s attention as if it were the human
version of a dog whistle. He leaned forward and looked at them through the
doorway, his eyes wide and lively. Charlie imagined he was probably, at that
moment, bursting with metal detectin’ know-how. “I don’t think those things
work
real
good indoors.” He offered, pointing at the
gadget again, with his beer bottle.

“That’s okay, Jethro, we’re pretending,” Charlie replied.

The beeping also got Alice’s attention, though her curiosity
was due to her meddlesome nature. Holding her drink above her head for its
safety, or her balance, she forced her unsteady legs, to transport her to the
living room. “What are you doin'?” She asked. The creepy old man was scaring
the shit out of her with his stares, but she wasn’t about to let the asshole
brothers search through ‘her stuff’ unsupervised. Nolte had slipped in close
behind her and stepped on the back of her shoe. “Flat tire!” he shouted.

Alice screamed, her margarita sloshed, but refused to spill.

This time, Charlie laughed. It was pretty funny when it
happened to someone else.

Alice wiggled her foot against the carpet until her heel
slipped back into her shoe, staring at Nolte with a mix of caution and hatred.
“I asked you, what you think you are doing.” She tried to shake off her
embarrassment and replace it with indignant bitch.

Charlie’s laughter stopped abruptly and his expression
changed to one of exaggerated concern. “We’re checking the house for nunyas.”
He replied, tilting his head from side to side. “Nunyas fuckin’ business.
Shouldn’t you go outside and check on your retards, one of them wounded
himself?”

“You truly are a horrible person. Why can’t you ever say
anything nice?” Alice asked, giving Charlie the finger.

“You don’t sweat much for a fat girl.” Nolte offered kindly,
he was still trying to become part of the team. The metal detector had him
worried.

“Let’s check his bedroom.” Ron glanced at Nolte, looking for
a reaction. Nolte quickly looked away. “The bedroom it is.”

“You guys need to wait for the will reading before you take
anything out of here,” Alice said hurriedly.

Ron flashed her, a ‘don’t fuck with me’ look. “Maybe we
should check everyone’s car outside, just to make sure that nothing fell out of
the house on accident and landed in your trunks.” Ron waited for a reply. When
Alice offered none, he turned and walked up the stairs, the metal detector
twisting out beeps and chirps.

Nolte flashed ahead of them with a quick, “Fuck you.” before
he disappeared.

Nolte had nicknamed his bedroom Disneyland, he was proud of
his sexual prowess and often bragged that he had never failed to bring himself
to an orgasm.

The tool sang as Ron swung it back and forth in front of him.
First, he covered the entire area of the floor; there was always a cleverly
disguised ‘loose floorboard’ in the movies. He swung it over the bed checking
through the mattresses, up and down the walls, and over the dresser, nothing
was giving him a reading of the highly conductive metals that gold and silver
were classified as. “Holy shit Charlie, there isn’t an ounce of gold or silver
left in this room.” Ron started on the ceiling.

Nolte looked at Alice with what could only be described as
hatred. “You thieving bitch, you’re just like your sister. You couldn’t wait to
read the will before you harvested my shit?”

Every once in a while, Ron would glance at Nolte, as he
swung the detector, to see what kind of reading the old man had on his face.
Nolte had donned his women’s sunglasses and was twirling an unlit cigarette
between his fingers, like a tiny baton, trying too hard to look inconspicuous.

 
“Where are his coin
collections?” Charlie asked Alice. “Did you rustle those out of the house
already?”

Alice took a drink of her margarita and looked back at him
sheepishly. “What are you looking for?”

“Larcenous fucking cunt,” Nolte mumbled.

“No, you wouldn’t be that stupid, would you Nolte? You knew
that shit would be as good as sold before you drew your last breath, didn’t
you?” Charlie posed the questions to Nolte but directed his scorn at Alice.

“What are you looking for?” Alice asked again, attempting to
halt any further besmirching of her good name.

Charlie held his hands out in front of him in Alice’s direction;
he used his thumbs and index fingers to represent the corners of an imaginary
box. “It’s about this long, and yay high and is shaped like a nunyas.”

“The thieving cock munchers are trying to rob me of my nest
egg!” Nolte could restrain himself no longer. “You’re all a bunch of thieving
cocksuckers. Martha ripped me off five hundred dollars before my fucking body
was even room temperature.” He whined. He was having a hard time getting over
Martha’s pilfering of his emergency fund.

“This sounds like something that needs to be looked at
during the reading of the will,” Alice said firmly. “We need to honor, Nolte’s
final wishes.”

“I’m right here, you fucking cunt!” Nolte snapped. “You’ve
seen the fucking will and you know you’re getting the contents of the house,
you greedy, corn pone fuck hole! My final wishes are that you
fucks
quit stealing from me!” He stepped over to Alice and
punched her in the mouth. “This fucking thing is mine and I will kill any sorry
shithead that tries to take it.” He wasn’t really sure why he had hit Alice,
maybe it was misguided anger over Martha’s theft, but if he had to hit someone,
he knew it was safer to hit Alice, than one of the boys.

“Hit her again, Rocky.” Charlie urged, unable to keep from
laughing.

Alice put her hand to her mouth. “Yeah, hit me again,
asshole. I’ll blame these two fuckers.” Alice said with an unexpected calm. “So
far, it seems that us three, are the only ones that can see this asshole and as
far as Martha and RJ know, you two brought me up here to beat on me. I’ll call
the cops and you boys are off to the crowbar hotel.” A wicked smile kissed her
already swelling lips.