Dead Stars (17 page)

 

I just wanna talk, and conversate

Cause I usually just stalk you and masturbate

And I finally got the courage to ask you on a date

So just say yes, let the future fall into place . . .
CUNT
.

CLEAN

[Jacquie & Reeyonna]

MILF-to-be

“I

didn't see you on the couch!”

“What
is
that? Is that a nametag?”

“O! Yeah—”

“O my God, it says
Sears
. Did you get a job at Sears?!?!”

“Yes, I did.”

“O my god! Mom, are that bad?”

“It's—I'm doing it for work. For my work.”

“Doing
what?
”

“I had this funny idea. For some images—photographs. Then it got less & less funny and more just
interesting
.”

“What!”

“Well, Sears has a portrait studio. Whole families come in.”

“O my god, it's getting
worse—
”

“You'll get a prom queen, or newlyweds, or new moms bringing in their babies . . .”

“So, like, you were like an
art
photographer, & now you're taking pictures of
families
at
Sears
?!”

“I am & I'm not. And don't be such a snob. I don't really know yet. But I think I
can
make art—there's art
in
there. I just need to find it.”

“So you're like going to have an exhibition of the family portraits or whatever that you take at
Sears
? Sears won't even
let
you, they would totally
own
them.”

“I don't know what I'm doing, Jerilynn. I'm just following my nose. Going by my lights.”

Jerilynn/Reeyonna softened.

“I guess I
kind
of get it.”

“All I know is that I'm
excited
about something. For the 1st time in I don't know how long.”

“Then that's cool. I'm happy for you, Mom.”

“Thank you, honey.”

“I just hope none of my friends see you.”

“They won't, unless they're in Valencia.”

“Mom, can I talk to you about something?”

“What is it?”

“Uhm. I don't know how to—this is really weird.”

“Sweetie, what is it?”

Reeyonna/Jerilynn stiffened.

“I'm gunna have a baby.”

“No.”

“I am. I'm almost three months pregnant.”

“You are? O Jerilynn—”

“I didn't tell you—I haven't really told
anyone—
because I was afraid I'd get talked out of having it.”

“Do you know who the father is?”

“Of
course
I know,
oh my god
I am
not
a
slut
.”

“Jerilynn, is it Rikki?”

“No, it's the
football team
.”

“Don't fuck with me, Jerilynn! GODDAMMIT, don't
fuck
with me on this, you're not in the
position
to
fuck
with me!”

“All
RIGHT
. O-
KAY
. I'm
SORRY.
I'm
SO SO
SORRY——
”

“Don't cry. Please don't cry. I didn't mean to yell.”

“I am
NOT CRYING! God!
”

“O Jesus. Shit. I'm sorry, honey.”

“You're so
MEAN
. I don't want you to be
MEAN
to me!”

“I won't. I just need to think. I'm just—I just came home & you dropped this on me.”

“I'm
REALLY REALLY SORRY!————
”

“No!—I'm really glad you did, I'm
happy
that you did. I'm really glad you told me. OK, Jerilynn? Did you hear that? Can you hear that? I am
very, very
glad. Tho I wished you'd told me
sooner————
”

“I'm sorry! I'm sorry!”

“
You don't have to have it. You can have an abortion after
TWELVE
weeks. A friend of mine's daughter had hers at
FIFTEEN——
 . . . . . .
”

“I AM NOT GOING TO KILL MY BABY!!!!! WHY DID I EVER TELL YOU WHY DID I EVEN EVER TELL YOU I SHOULDN'T HAVE TOLD YOU——————————!!!!!!!”

“All right. Calm down. Calm down now. Let's just take—let's take—let's take some time here. OK? Can we do that, Jerilynn? Let's breathe. Can you stop crying & go wash your face? I should have known you were pregnant. The acne . . . and you lost your hips . . .
stand straight
. Lift your shirt———”

“No!”

“What is the matter with me? The throwing up in the mornings . . . I thought you were
bulimic
—I feel like
such
an ass.”

“I'm
sorry—
”

“It's not
your
fault, it's
mine
. & would you please stop saying you're
sorry
? Can you just STOP?”

“I'm SORRY! I'm SORRY, I
will
.”

“———just let me just think. Let me just sit & gather my thoughts. Can you do that? Can you go wash your face and let me gather my thoughts? Because—there needs—we need, we'll need to . . . oy.
Oy yoy
YOY
.
Oy yoy yoy yoy
YOY
.
The school . . . we have to————”

“Can we go out for dinner?”

“Yeah. Maybe that's a good idea. Let's go out for dinner.”

“Can we go to Du-par's for pancakes?”

“Yes. We can go to Du-par's.”

“Thanks.”

“Thank
you
. For talking about—for telling me, for talking to me. I really commend you for that. I really do, Jerilynn.”

“Thanks . . .”

“Let's go to Taylor's—the steakhouse. Do you want to go to Taylor's?”

“Can't we go to Du-par's?”

“You can't get good steak at Du-par's.”

“OK.”

“Dinner'll be expensive, but so what. You're eating for two.”

“Maybe
three
,” she said savagely. “Maybe it's
twins!
”

“Jerilynn, don't
even—
nice to see you laugh anyway. I'll get there in a minute. Or maybe a day. Or a week. To laughing. O boy. O well.
Well well well well well.
Go wash your face & we'll go.”

“K.”

[Reeyonna EXITS. A beat, then, Jacquie calls after]

“Jeri? Have you seen my Klonopins, do you know what happened to my Klonopins?”

“No but I'll look!”

[sotto, to Self]

“I cannot find my Klonopins. & I really fucking need them.”

CLEAN

[Reeyonna & Rikki]

Pregnant

“My

mom's going to call. Did she call them yet?”

“I don't know. I don't think so.”

“She said she was going to call.”

“For what.”

“I guess it's a
Meet the Parents
moment.”

“Yeah. Okay . . .”

“So have they said anything to you?”

“About what?”

“About the
baby
. How are they dealing?”

“My mom won't come out of her room.”

“Wow, really?”

“Yeah, she cries.”

“Bummer.”

“Yeah . . .”

“You sound fucked up. Are you like, totally fucked up?”

“No. Just some weed. Why.”

“You just sound fucked up.”

“I'm good. Are you?”

“Not
really
.”

“Yeah . . .”

“Are you watching porn?”

“No.”

“You don't have to lie.”

“I'm not lying.”

“I don't care if you watch porn.”

“Then why do you ask? If you don't care why do you ask me if I'm watching it?”

“I don't know. Maybe I'm horny.”

“Maybe you just like being in my business.”

Pause.

“I just think . . . the sooner we move out the better. But I'm going to wait a week. Before. A week
before
.”

“Wait for what.”

“To ask.”

CLEAN

[Telma]

We Don't Need Another Hero

Of

all the stars with cancer that Telma reached out to in her campaign to join the cast of
Glee
, Michael Douglas was the biggest, and the first responder. Another one she heard back from right away was Grant Achatz, the famous chef; he had tongue cancer too. The doctors wanted to cut out the jaw and the tongue but Grant said no because he didn't want to lose his tastebuds. Grant got chemo
and
radiation instead. He said the lining of his esophagus shed like a snake & part of the getting-well ritual was peeling the lining out of his throat like smelly clingy cellophane while he choked & vomited. Now,
that's
a hero. She liked Grant, & she liked Christina Applegate, & she liked Will Reiser, & she liked the guy from
Dexter
, & any one of them could have gotten her on the
Glee
set. But Michael was the only one she had shared her aspirations with.

At night, she read his letter over and over (he handwrote it the same as Telma had, & her mom thought that was such a wonderful way of showing solidarity), wondering when he was going to call to ask her to tea. She already knew what she was going to wear. Her mom said, be patient.

It was Saturday, and she was doing her usual weekend tour at St Ambrose (pediatric oncology, or, as Telma liked to call it,
ped-OINK! OINK! OINK!
), going from bed to bed with Sir Vivor, her three-legged English terrier that she got at the shelter, & Bunny, the real-life floppy-eared cocker spaniel that was the official ward mascot, putting kids (& parents) at ease. Telma knew how to make the frightened children laugh, settle their moms' & dads' nerves, instill hope. Showing everyone how to pull the courage trigger. She loved her weekend warriorship.

The Bertram & Bonnie Brainard Family Center for Pediatrics was
hers
: she owned it. But Telma didn't define or limit herself by ped-
oink
alone—she had toured/ombudsgirl'd through them all: The Rick & Tina Caruso Family Research & Critical Care, AEG Extended Care (clinical outpatient), The Stewart and Lynda Resnick Pavilion (neuropsychiatric), the Verizon Towers (imaging center), & Twitter House (extended residence for families with kancerkidz undergoing treatment)—& most weekends could be found crisscrossing & cross-pollinating the sprawling campus, faithfully fulfilling her duties exercising authority, not only as the Wizard of Brainard, but the mayor of St Ambrose & all its environs. The cafeteria staff plied her with frozen yogurt; elderly volunteers thrust flowers into her tiny hands; there was even a special place where she could nap, covered by a quilt stitched together with the names of kancerheroes embroidered on every square. The RNs called themselves
Telma's Troopers—
most of them were on the
20/20
that featured Telma five years back. Elizabeth Vargas and a camera crew followed the (then) 4 foot titan thru the rooms & corridors of Brainard as she cajoled and consoled, struggling to keep up.

But that was . . .

. . . a while ago.

Too long,
thought Telma.

Time for a comeback.

Anyway—what was good for Telma, was good for kancer.

. . .

A nurse told her that Biggie Brainard (pushing 13, real name, Colt Brainard III) (5'3"/165 lbs) happened to be “at hospital” today, and would she like to meet him?
(Well, duh.)
Biggie's dad, Bertram Brainard, was an inventor who disappeared from public view after fully endowing construction of the
oink-oink
building 10 years back.

Now
this
was going to be really something! Telma had never given much
thought
to the Brainards, & with this development, was, well, nearly ashamed at having neglected to ever have
inquired
after her benefactors. Until now, they had no flesh at all, flat and bloodless as the walls of the edifice on which their name was engraved. Telma immediately asked where she might
find
Mr. Biggie Brainard, & the nurse replied that he happened to be in the basement getting an MRI, or trying to anyway. She explained that he was mortally terrified of the hellaciously noisy apparatus that, to his mind (his
mind
being the very thing the machine was attempting to observe, record, interpret, & diagnose), swallowed a person prematurely, like an overeager coffin.

Biggie lived with his older brother Brando on a vast estate in Bel-Air. The brother, his de facto guardian, lately noticed that Biggie was having subtle cognitive difficulties, the most pronounced being in the realm of short-term memory. He hadn't struck his head on anything (as far as anyone knew) & the doctors had already ruled out diabetes. Now, they wanted to take a look at the brain.

All this was transmitted to the Mayor, who of course enjoyed a privileged standing when it came to hospital staff sharing certain confidentialities. Once she got the
brainard
tumor joke out of her system, she was on her merry way.

She was introduced to Camino (nanny/caregiver) & then Biggie (overweight but not yet morbidly obese, though heading for it) in a doctor's lounge. The nurses'
s broke in unison when they saw how sweet the two looked together—Telma's fearless, charismatic, firecracker Laurel to his poignantly fearful, socially awkward, shrinking-violet Hardy. Having been briefed on Biggie's MRI jitters, she lost no time suggesting they go for yogurt in the “café.”

The nurses shook their heads in respect.

The Mayor was alarmingly proactive.

That's our girl.

. . .

–So did they say if you can have kids?

–Probably. I had surgery but I didn't have any chemo.

–Radiation?

–Nuh-uh. Christina Applegate had what I had & she had a baby. I met her when we were in Washington. The doctors said one day I might have to have my ovaries taken out but I can still carry. Christina might have to have hers out too.

–What kind of surgery. Did you have.

–A mastectomy.

–Oh. (
Pause
) I saw this little girl on the Ellen show. She's like four years–old & got it too. Breast cancer.

–She was on Ellen?

–I didn't see it but my brother sent me a link. He thought it would make a good telemovie.

–She's from Canada. But she's not really a survivor.

–I didn't even think four year old girls
had
breasts.

–I mean, you have to be kancerfree for at least three years before you can be called a survivor.

–But I mean if you're still alive after your surgery or your chemo & whatever, doesn't that make you a survivor?

–
Technically
. In layman's terms. But if someone has something cut out & then it never spreads anywhere else
—
like me, so far—it takes
three years
before you're allowed to say you're kancerfree. The rule is, you have to be kancerfree for
three
years
before you're allowed to call yourself a survivor
,
&
five
years before you're allowed to say you're cured.

–Allowed?

–Those are the cancer organization
rules
, & they're very strict. You can't just go and change them. It's like the Olympics. And that girl won't know for
three years
. I mean, I hope she
is—
a survivor. That would be so rad. She's already a hero. She's got swag.

–Swag? What is that?

–That she's cool. But right now she's just a kid with kancer.

–Yeah I guess.

–So where do you go to school?

–At home.

–At home?

–I have a tutor.

–That is
hella tight
.

–It's OK.

–I want your life! So what else?

–What else?

–Like, about your parents. Doesn't your mom come to the hospital when you have tests?

–She doesn't really live with us.

–Now I
know
I want your life! Where does she live?

–London. Near London, I think. And Paris. Her business takes her away a lot.

–What's her business?

–I don't know.

–What about your dad?

–He lives at home. We live with him. My brother and me.

–Your father paid for this
whole building
?

–Yeah.

–He must be a billionaire.

–I guess.

–What does he do?

–Invents ideas.

–Coolio.
So what do
you
do?

–What do I do?

–For fun?

–Well I help my brother.

–How.

–With ideas.

–For what?

–Movies and television.

–You
invent
ideas?

–I guess.

–Rad! What kind.

–My brother has a production company? And I come up with ideas? For projects.

–That's so awesome! What kind of ideas?

–Did you see
Turndown Service
?

–
The movie?

–With Zach Galifianakis and Tosh? And Kristen Wiig?

–I
almost
saw it. Is it on Netflix?

–Only Apple TV.

–What's it about again?

–These people own a fancy hotel? That's Tosh & his wife, Kristen Wiig. His wife in the movie. But they're going bankrupt? And they have this son who's a loser, who they never respected? That's Zach Galifianakis. And when he tells them he's going to save the hotel for them they just laugh. So he starts this service where people pay him to break up with their girlfriends. Instead of breaking up by texting. I mean, he has to find the girls then break up with them face-to-face. But I mean, the girls who are getting dumped are face-to-face with
him
, not with the guys who are dumping them.

–Like, how much does he charge?

–A lot, because most of the people who hire him are rich.

–But how could you make enough money to save a hotel, just by breaking up with people?

–They do in the movie. There's blackmail and stuff I left out.

–Coolio.

–It's not really so great. I mean parts of it are funny. It made $430 million in the world but only 160 in the States, & I think the studio thought it'd do better. In North America. It was sort of a disappointment. They weren't really disappointed, they just thought it would do better.

–Does it say it's written by you? In the credits?

–I didn't write it, it was just my idea. But it
does
say, From an Idea by Biggie Brainard. My brother said I could have a From a Story by but I liked From an Idea by.

–So where do you get your ideas?

–I don't know. It depends. Usually from the internet. I mean not literally. The internet makes me think of ideas.

–Coolio.

–My brother's pitching
You Rule!
today, I think to NBC.

–What's
You Rule
?

–
That's why Brando couldn't come, because he's pitching
You Rule!

–Is it from your idea?

–Uh huh. It's about a high school student who I guess is kind of a loser who finds out that he's actually king of an island in the South Pacific.

–That's awesome.

–We're doing a big movie with Michael Douglas & Larry Fishburne. It's in preproduction. Robert Pattinson might do a cameo.

–What's a cameo?

–When a big star is only, like, in one or two scenes. Sometimes they don't even want a credit. They usually get a percentage.

–What's it called?

–A cameo.

–I mean the movie.

–
The Treasure of Sierra Leone.
It's in preproduction. The guy from
Twilight
might be doing a cameo. Robert Pattinson.

They talked some more & had their yogurt. Telma scrutinized him, attributing his occasional redundancies to nervousness. She had the feeling he was maybe more nervous because of
her
than he was about the MRI, at the moment anyway, sweetly so. But it was time, & she gently nudged Biggie over to the dreaded topic of
magnetic resonance imaging
. I've had a hundred of em, she said
.
She said she knew he was supposed to have one today, and do you want me to go with?

A little in love with her (or maybe a lot), he said he did.

And that was that.

. . .

There wasn't any phone service until she went back to the ward to get her purse & jacket.

The text was from her mom.

 

MICHEAL DOUGLAS

CALKED!!!!! u did it :D i

HAVE DETAILS!!!!!

 

Then

 

I MEANT CALLED!!!!!!!

 

Telma let out a whoop and ran down the corridor shouting “I'm
gleeful
, I'm so
gleeful!
I'm
gleeful gleeful
gleeful!
”

The RNs nodded their heads, smiling at their favorite kook.