Dear Emily (Forever Family) (19 page)

New Brunswick, New Jersey

Past

Age 18

The holidays
have come and gone and I’ve been settled back in my dorm for the past week.

Even though my family tried their hardest, the holidays were just not the same this year. Our home was somber and reflective. The cheerfulness that is the Sloan Family Christmas just did not exist. We didn’t speak of my ordeal too much and I’m actually glad about that, but it hung over my home like a black cloud. This isn’t a subject that I want to discuss with my parents. I did however write about it. A lot. My new journal is now broken in and has been put to good use.

Over break, Kyle still called me twice a day and we saw each other several more times. While I’m not ready to admit it to him or myself, I feel like we are moving towards something more. I care about him so much it hurts. He’s so patient and gentle with me and is a constant pillar of support.

Before I left the hospital, I agreed to finally speak with Dr. Jade James, the school psychologist. Kyle was nice enough to take the initiative and set it up for me. Today is my first appointment with her. I walk across the commons to her office in the Sociology building. I shiver and my stomach clenches as I walk past the library. Bile begins to rise into my throat as I start to panic and my pace quickens. I can’t imagine ever stepping foot in that building again, especially my ‘super-secret’ nook on the third floor. That special place was mine and now it will be forever tarnished by a vile presence. I shudder as I think about my attack.

I reach Dr. James’ office, write my name on the sign in sheet, and take a seat. My hands are sweaty and clammy as I wring them together. I’m so nervous.

The office door opens and a middle-aged woman with vibrant red hair peers out into the waiting room. She’s very distinguished looking with an ‘edge’.

“Carly Sloan?” she asks. I’m the only person in the waiting room.

“Yes, that’s me,” I answer.

“Come with me, won’t you?”

I follow her into her office. The furniture is dark and there is a leather couch you would expect to find in any psychologist’s office. There are pictures of her dressed much more casually, posing with various bands and musicians. One catches my eye because I recognize the band. I point to the picture and say, “Wait, you know Killswitch Engage? My sister’s boyfriend works for them as a guitar technician.”

She smiles and nods her head. “Yes, they are one of my favorite bands. But I bet you wouldn’t peg me as a metal fan.” She laughs out loud, as she gestures toward the couch. I take a seat.

“It’s funny seeing that picture here in your office. It just seems so… out of context.”

She nods and says, “I get that a lot.”

She smiles warmly as I cross my legs, trying to get comfortable. This is going to be weird.

“Carly, I want to start out by saying that everything you say to me is completely confidential. I’m here to listen, not to judge. I hope that I can help you cope with what happened to you and help you move on.”

I silently stare out the window watching several students rush to class. My eyes slowly move back toward Dr. James. I nod and I speak.

I tell her everything about Todd raping me last Halloween. About ripping my virginity from me. I re-live all of the pain as I describe in detail what happened.

Dr. James is silent throughout. Her eyes remain soft and comforting.

I tell her all about the run-in that I had with Todd the day that Kyle and I worked in the Bio lab. About how I felt when he grabbed me, bruising my arm.

I finally tell her what I remember of the last vicious attack. I start to feel the same terror and my heart begins to race, my palms sweat and I feel bile rise in my throat.

I swallow hard and place my hand over my chest. I try to slow my breathing so that my heart rate slows.

“Carly, what you have been through is utterly vile. Your ordeal is far from ordinary and I’m so proud of you for coming here and sharing this story with me. First, you need to know that you are not at fault. Understand? You are a victim and did nothing to bring this on.”

I nod slowly as tears pool in my eyes. “I understand, but I could have done something to prevent him from attacking the others. I didn’t say anything until it was too late.” I blink and tears stream down my cheeks.

“You have to remember that you don’t own what he did to you. Those were his actions, not yours. He’s a predator, plain and simple. You weren’t his only prey. He targeted you at that party, just as he targeted his other victims. I’ll say it again; you did nothing to bring this on yourself.”

“OK.” I try to believe her as I let her words sink in.

“You could have done nothing to stop him from doing this to others. Remember, some of the other victims were assaulted before you.”

She’s right. Two of the girls were attacked over a year ago. They’re probably carrying the same guilt.

“How else is this affecting you Carly? I mean, are your feelings and anxieties spilling over into your personal life, preventing you from functioning at normal levels?”

I pause to think before I answer. “Well, my friends have been great. They provided my first therapy after the rape. They did encourage me to seek help and report my attack. I wouldn’t do it and yet they still supported me and stood by me. They provide me with the comfort and support that I need. They are truly wonderful.” I smile as I think of them and the many jugs of pink wine we’ve consumed over the past few months.

As if she is reading my mind, she says, “Carly, you need to be especially careful with what you choose to do to numb the pain. I’m not making any accusations, but please stay away from drugs and alcohol during this time as you learn to cope. I’m glad that your friends are so supportive and I think it’s great that you are surrounded by people who can lend a shoulder.”

“They’re great, Dr. James, and I trust them completely.”

“Are you in a relationship with anyone?” she asks.

“Like a boyfriend?” I reply.

“Well, yes. I’d like to know if you are able to open up to someone in that way.”

“Um… well, he’s not my boyfriend. I mean we’ve known each other since last fall. He helped me catch up on schoolwork after I blew off classes after the first attack. He was the one that found me as Todd tried to rape me again. He saved my life. He promised me that he would protect me and he’s been there ever since.”

“He promised?” Dr. James asks.

“Yes, he made a promise to me after I had been injured. He swore that he would never let something like this happen again. After my attack, he spent every day with me in the hospital. He visited me at home during winter break. He even broke up with his girlfriend for me.” As I say all of this out loud, I realize how much Kyle has given up for me. Shit! I’ve taken away his life.

I start to panic a little bit.

As if she can sense my mood changing, Dr. James interjects. “Carly, it sounds like Kyle really cares about you. I wouldn’t dwell on what he did or gave up to help you. Just know that he did it on his own, not out of guilt or obligation. While ending a romantic relationship might seem abrupt, you may not know the reasons behind it.”

I nod slowly. I do know that he actually ended things with Courtney the morning that I was doing his laundry. I walked in on him breaking up with her and the emotions that I witnessed were all about her. She was upset and didn’t understand the ‘whys’ or the ‘hows’. Kyle was explaining this to her when I stormed into his room.

“Kyle broke up with her because he had already developed feelings for me.” I admit. “He didn’t want to string her along when their relationship was going nowhere. He knew there was something worth pursuing with me the moment he met me. So to be fair to her, he broke it off.”

I smile as Dr. James speaks.

“See, Carly, this is definitely something to consider when you are giving yourself a hard time over why Kyle has made the choices that he has. He did it for you, without even knowing what you’d been through.”

“Are you intimate with him?” she asks.

Whoa! I am not ready for this question. “Umm, no. We haven’t even defined what we are really. It’s too soon. Even though I feel something, like maybe I want to be intimate. But I can’t just yet. I feel dirty. Tainted. Is that wrong? Should I even want to be intimate? After what Todd did to me?”

I’m being as honest as I can. Because I do feel dirty. Contaminated.

“Carly, your feelings are completely normal and natural. As your relationship grows with Kyle, you may want to become intimate. But I’m happy to see that you aren’t rushing into anything. He is certainly giving you the space you need to continue to heal. And you are NOT dirty or tainted. Remember, you did not freely give your body to Todd. He TOOK it. While you may have physical scars from your ordeal, they are not badges that you wear to broadcast what you went through for others to judge. They make you stronger, Carly. Not weak and certainly not tainted.”

Hearing these words coming from Dr. James lends credibility to these thoughts.

“I will try to remember that, Dr. James. It’s just hard. My friends. Kyle. They all make me feel whole and give me hope that I can be normal again.”

Dr. James laughs. “Normal! What’s normal Carly?” She pauses briefly. “Don’t answer, that’s rhetorical. Only you define that for yourself, not anyone else. Your ordeal also does not define ‘normal’. What happened to you was NOT normal, but the feelings and the stress that you are going through while you try to cope IS.”

I sit silently for a few moments as she continues. “It seems to me as if you’ve already opened yourself up to emotional intimacy with your friends and even with Kyle. You will know when you are ready for physical intimacy. And it’s OK to battle the constant emotions that it brings. It’s normal, Carly. And you are ‘normal’. You are also beautiful and strong. You should be very proud of yourself the way you have come out stronger thanks to this harrowing ordeal. I applaud you.”

WOW. Not at all what I was expecting.

“Thank you, Dr. James. I feel a bit better.” I smile.

“You’re welcome, Carly. Let’s continue to meet every two weeks. I think you have made significant progress in coping with your emotions and I’d like to keep this up. Same time in two weeks?” She takes her date book out of the top drawer of her desk.

“Yes, that works for me.” I take a deep breath and stand up.

“Thank you.” She smiles and nods at me.

I leave her office and make my way back to the dorm.

When I walked into her office a little more than an hour ago, I was expecting the floodgates to open. But the opposite happened. Dr. James was able to make me believe her words.

I’m Normal.

Go figure.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Past

Age 21

Kirsten and
I are at the bookstore getting ready to transition between shifts.

“Tabby, what am I going to wear Friday night? Wasn’t it so cool that Tristan invited me to their show?”

“Kirsten, don’t overthink it. Just be casual,” I say to her.

She giggles as she grabs her purse. “I’m going shopping now to find something perfect! Thanks for closing tonight!” She kisses my cheek and leaves.

Oh God. Kirsten is already caught in the Tristan trap. Shit.

Seth passes her as he comes into the store.

“Where is she skipping off to?” he asks.

“Shopping. She needs to find the perfect outfit for Friday night.”

He chuckles. “I guess she’s looking to impress someone?”

“Hmph, unfortunately. Tristan. This won’t end well.”

He shakes his head and sits down on the couch.

“So what’s up, Tabby? Your message sounded urgent.”

I called Seth this morning because I needed to talk to someone about my stress over Alex leaving. He always has a level head and is very good at talking me off of the ledge that I always seem to be on.

“They selected Bitter Pill to open for them on tour.” I plop down on the couch next to him.

“So?” He doesn’t understand what I’m getting at.

“Seth, their lead singer is so incredible. Gorgeous. Perfect. Mysterious even. She’s everything that I’m not. Alex is going to be drawn to her, I can feel it.”

I can’t believe this is coming out of my mouth. Where is this jealousy coming from? I’ve never been in a real relationship before, but still, I don’t like this feeling.

“Tabby, I think you are overreacting. Alex would never. Would he?” Now Seth is starting to sound unsure.

I immediately gasp and cover my face with my hands. “Seth, I don’t know. How could he want me if someone like her exists?” I start to cry into my hands. I can’t believe I’m coming apart at the seams over unfounded jealousy. I rub the faded scar on my cheek and begin to tremble.

Seth turns to me and takes my hands from my face. He slowly wipes the tears from my cheeks and pushes my chin up so I’m looking at him.

“Tabby, you are the most perfect, beautiful person that I’ve ever known. There is no way any sane person would ever do anything to jeopardize that. Not even Alex.”

He rubs his thumb on my cheek swiping my falling tears.

“Seth.” I’m touched by his tenderness and sincerity. He always knows what to say to me. I place my hands on his knees, lean into his hand and return his gaze.

His eyes suddenly change and his stare becomes more intense. He licks his lips, takes a quick breath and suddenly his lips are on mine. He pulls my face into him and devours my lips. His kiss is frantic and tender at the same time.

I don’t know what comes over me, but I begin to return his kiss. I bring my hands to his face and feel dampness on his cheeks. I don’t know if it’s from my tears or his own. He deepens our kiss and our tongues entwine together. His hands move from my face to my shoulders, down my arms and back to my face again.

Then suddenly he’s not there. I feel a whoosh of air between us as he’s pulled away from me.

I open my eyes and see that Alex has Seth by the neck and has thrown him up against the wall.

“Alex! Stop! Don’t hurt him!” I yell. Alex doesn’t seem to hear me as he begins pummeling Seth’s face with his fists. Seth is doing nothing to fight back or protect himself.

I jump up and try to pull Alex away.

“Stop this!”

Seth sinks to the floor in a daze as Alex turns to me. He has a wild look in his eyes and I’m suddenly afraid of him. I haven’t seen a look like that since Tony and he’s glaring at me with his fist still in the air.

Sobbing, I back away.

“Alex.” I bring my hand to my lips and realize what I have done.

Seth sees the terror in my eyes and jumps up to get between Alex and me. “Alex, leave,” he says.

Alex suddenly realizes his threatening stance towards me and immediately drops his bloody fist to his side. He glares at me as he turns and leaves the store.

“Oh my God, Seth, what have I done?” I wail as I fall to my knees on the floor and my body starts trembling.

Seth joins me on the floor and wraps his body around mine, absorbing my cries. He whispers something softly into my hair as my cries get louder.

We remain huddled on the floor together, afraid to say another word.

After a while, Seth helps me close up the shop and walks me home in silence. He touches my face as he leaves and says, “I’m here for you Tabby. Just say the word.”

Once inside, I curl up on my couch and cry myself to sleep.

~

A knocking sound startles me awake and I jump up from my couch. It’s after ten o’clock at night. I tense up as I wonder who it could be.

I look through the peephole and start to tremble.

Alex.

“Tabs, open up. We need to talk.”

I slowly open the door and step aside so he can come in.

“Is he here?” he asks angrily.

“No,” I whisper.

He strides past me into the living room. “Tabitha, I don’t know what to say to you. I can’t fucking believe what I saw today! What you did with him!” He’s beginning to yell and I back away.

I know what I did. I ruined us. I deserve whatever consequences he is about to lay on me.

‘I’m sorry Alex’ is all I can say. I begin to sob as I look into his eyes. He looks destroyed. I’ve done this to him. Taken away the love that he had for me.

“You’re sorry? Tabs, seriously? What would have happened if I hadn’t walked in? Would you have fucked him? Wait, don’t answer that. I. Don’t. Want. To. Know.”

He starts pacing through my living room.

“What? No Alex! That’s not what that was!” I choke on my cries.

“Then tell me, Tabitha, what was that? Because it sure looked like something intense to me.”

“I don’t know,” I say.

He walks over to me and grabs my wrists, pulling me against his chest. “Tell me, Tabby. Have you fucked him?” His tone is demanding.

“No, Alex, No,” I whimper.

He abruptly releases my wrists as he pushes me away from him.

“I’m done. We. Are. Done.” He turns toward the door to leave.

“Alex, no!” I cry.

He turns to me and his eyes have nothing but hatred in them. I can’t believe what I’ve done to us. I’m deserving of his hateful stare.

“Don’t Tabitha. I trusted you. I promised you that I would get over my issue with Seth. You swore to me
yesterday
that you only loved me. That you only wanted
me
. We made love yesterday! Well, what the fuck was that today? That wasn’t me that you were kissing, was it?”

He pauses and shakes his head. “I’m done.”

I’m silent. He’s right and I deserve this.

“You did this to us, Tabitha.”

He turns toward the door and leaves.

I did this.

And now I’ve lost the only man I’ve ever loved.