Dear Tabitha (26 page)

“Tabby took off to Portland. I don’t know why, but I’m worried about her. Dammit, what if Tony is waiting to grab her when she gets there? It doesn’t feel right that she’d take off like this. I think that she’s in some sort of danger. I need to be there to protect her. To help her,” I say through my heavy breaths.

“Dude, do
you
even know what you’re getting
yourself
into? What did she tell you about this trip? What makes you think Tony’s going to do something to her?” He sounds skeptical. He knows enough about the horrors that Tabby endured in Portland and I wish he was as worried as I am right now.

“It’s not what she said. It’s how she’s acting. She told me that things were going to be okay. They’ll be different. She just acted very ‘off’, and I don’t have a good feeling. I can tell she didn’t think this through and she doesn’t realize how much danger she’s putting herself into by going there. I already told you what a vile monster Tony is, and the things he did to her. Man, I can’t let him touch her again. She’s come so far over the past few years, and I don’t want to see Tabby destroyed. Or worse.” Saying this out loud raises my anxiety level to new heights.

“I’m sorry for stating the obvious here, and I know that I’ve been a recent supporter of the two of you finally working things out, but what gives you the right to chase her clear across the country on a hunch? She didn’t invite you to go with her, and maybe there’s a good reason why she isn’t telling you everything.” Leave it to Dax to always be the Devil’s advocate. He has a point.

“I know. Everything you’re saying makes total and complete sense to me, but I just have a gut feeling and need to follow it through. I couldn’t live with myself if I wasn’t there when she needed me. I still care about her, Dax. A lot.” I will admit this to him, and he knows that my feelings go much deeper than that. She’s all that I’ve thought about for the past few years. About what my life would have been like if things happened differently. If Seth didn’t exist.

It suddenly hits me that, despite all that’s happened over the past few days, and the revelation about Emily, I still love her, and I need to be sure she’s
alive
to hear me say those words to her again. I can’t let Tony take that away from me. From us.

“So explain to me what you’re going to be doing out there?” he asks.

“First, I have to figure out where he lives. I know that he owns a club in Portland, and it’s a seedy strip joint on the outskirts of town. I’ve texted Kirsten to get his last name. Hopefully, that will make him easy to find. I don’t know what to expect when I get there, but I’m going to do my best to find her and bring her home. What happens after that, who knows?” As my plan begins to hatch in my head, I realize how disorganized this whole thing is.

I’m done talking about this and I attempt to change the subject. “Who was that at your place this morning? Someone new?” I ask.

He taps his fingers on the steering wheel and doesn’t answer at first. He seems nervous, and now I’m not going to let this go. I’m intrigued.

“Well? It isn’t everyday that you have a girl back at your place, especially one that obviously spent the night.” I push him for an answer.

“Her name is Natalia. That’s all I’m going to say,” he answers, trying to dismiss me.

The name sounds familiar, and I can’t quite remember where I’ve heard it before. “Natalia. Why do I know that name?” I ask.

He looks nervous. “Shit, I shouldn’t have told you. Can you keep it to yourself? Please don’t mention it to the guys that she was at my place. Especially Garrett.”

Now I remember. Natalia. She was the model in our video last year, and Garrett got his paws on her for a while. From what I understand, he was banging her all over the video set and for a few weeks after. Oh shit, Garrett won’t be happy about this.

“I promise, my lips are sealed. But how serious is this with her? Garrett will find out.”

“I don’t know, man. She’s a hard one to pin down. She’s totally into me and we’ve spent some time together. But we agree that we don’t want anyone to know, for obvious reasons. I don’t want any trouble from the band. You know we aren’t like this at all, into sharing girls. Even though Garrett is a total douchebag when it comes to chicks and hooking up, he’s also very territorial. Fuck, I should have kept my mouth shut. I don’t want him to give either of us a hard time.”

“Listen, I’m not going to say a word, okay? Just be careful, and if things are serious with her, at some point you’re going to have to come clean. Keeping this hidden and secret isn’t going to do anyone any good. Okay, I’ll stop lecturing now,” I say and it seems ironic that I’m giving him some solid advice, but I’m not taking any of his.

“Yeah, and I don’t know how serious it is. I like her a lot, but her schedule is insane, and right now, I’m looking for quiet and peaceful. After being on the road for a few years pretty much straight, I am enjoying being a home body. She’s not like that at all. She’s a party girl and is into the club scene. You know that is totally not me. So, I really don’t know how far this is going to go.” He looks a little sad about the last statement. I can tell that he’s really fallen hard for her, and he’s already preparing himself for some heartache.

“Well, do what feels right and the rest will come naturally.” Geez, I’m a regular love guru, aren’t I? I chuckle at myself and shake my head, as I can’t believe these words are even coming out of my mouth. I become anxious again when I realize that I’m cutting it close to catch my flight.

“Sounds like someone should be taking their own advice, huh, Alex?” He peers over to me and laughs.

He pulls into Philadelphia International Airport, and we navigate our way to the departure terminal. He slows down, and I open the door.

“Thanks for the ride. Seriously. I’ll be in touch and let you know what’s going on,” I say, about to shut the door.

“Be careful, Alex. Okay?”

I shut the door and jog into the terminal. I have no bags to check so I go right through security and run through the airport to my gate.

My heart races as I sit in the seat waiting to board the plane. My phone vibrates in my pocket and I look down to see a text from Kirsten.

His last name is Constantino. But Alex, this is a mistake. You shouldn’t be going out there. Please let Tabby do this on her own.

The fuck I will. Tony
Constantino
is going to pay for everything he did to her. I’m going to make sure of it.

I just hope that I get there in time.

Past

Age 20

I
CAN’T
believe Christmas was a week ago. Spending the night with Alex on Christmas Eve was just incredible. After I fell asleep on the couch, he carried me to bed so I would be comfortable. I heard him whispering into my hair that he loves me. Oh my God! I wanted to say the words back to him, but I’m not ready yet.

Waking in his arms on Christmas morning was like nothing I’ve ever experienced. I felt safer, more loved than I have in my entire life with his arms wrapped around me, protecting me. Every time I look at the tree, the beautiful memories wash over me.

Warm. That’s the first thing I feel as I awaken. When I try to stretch, I discover the source of the heat. Alex. His body envelops me, his arms cinch my waist, and our legs entangle. Have I ever felt this safe, this protected? His breath on my neck tickles, and his soft snores make me laugh. Unwrapping my body from his without waking him is a challenge, but once I’m out of bed, he slides his hand under my pillow and rolls onto his stomach.

I tiptoe out of the room and grab two boxes from the hall closet so I can place his presents under the tree before he wakes. I see a few presents that weren’t there last night. He must have done that after I fell asleep. God, I love him, and I want to tell him soon. He’s been declaring his love for a while now, and I think I’m finally ready to tell him how I feel.

“What do you think you’re doing?” His voice comes from behind me.

I turn to him and smile. “Merry Christmas.”

His grin spreads across his face as he closes the distance between us. “Merry Christmas.” He takes my face in his hands and tenderly kisses me. My heart races and I pull myself against his body. He slows the kiss, leans back, and asks, “Were you just snooping, Tabs?”

“No! Of course not,” I laugh, grab his hand, and lead him toward the tree.

“What are you doing? We haven’t had breakfast yet,” he says.

“It’s my first real Christmas in a very long time and I want to give you your gifts now.”

He feigns reluctance, then grins and pushes me to the tree. We sit on the blanket from last night and face each other. I reach for his first gift, and when I place it on his lap, he leans over and caresses my cheek. “Merry Christmas, Tabs,” he says.

“Open it,” I encourage him.

“Wait, you first.” He pulls a similar sized package from under the tree and places it in my lap. “Open it,” he demands.

I want to savor the moment, but excitement has me ripping the paper to pieces. Once the wrapping is gone, I lift the lid on the box. The item inside looks very familiar. “Is this - ?” I ask him and stop.

He reads the question in my eyes and nods his head. “Open it.”

I take the notebook–the very same notebook I gave to him the first time I met him–out of the box. I kept inventory in it, and was using it when he came in the store looking for a music ledger for his songs. Kirsten didn’t carry them at that time, so I gave him my used notebook. Why is he giving it back to me?

“Okay.” I open the book and look in it. His handwriting fills page after page of songs and music. Songs about love and forgiveness. Beautiful words describing …

“They’re all about you,” he says quietly. “The day that I met you and you gave me this notebook, that was the day I started writing poems and music about you. For you. From day one, you have inspired me. It’s for you.” He reaches over, touching my hand. “I love you, Tabby, and I can’t find a better way to tell you just how much.”

Holy shit. I don’t know what to say. “Alex, this is too much. I can’t take this from you, your music. Won’t you need this for practice or something?” I’m reluctant to keep his art.

“These songs are yours and nobody else’s. They belong to you. They are my heart, and I want you to keep them close to yours.”

I’ve never received anything so incredibly thoughtful and touching. My eyes fill with tears as I remember the first day that we met.

I urge him to open his gift. “Your turn, Alex.”

He tears through the paper like a little kid, quickly opening the box in front of him. When he looks down, his eyes soften and he lifts out the brand new music ledger that I bought for him. “Tabs, I can’t believe you bought me a new one.” He smiles and begins to flip through the blank note pages. “How could you have possibly known that I needed a new ledger?” he asks.

“I didn’t. I only knew that when we first met, I gave you this notebook and felt bad that we didn’t sell what you needed. I begged Kirsten to order some, and when they came in, I decided that it would make a perfect Christmas gift.”

It’s so ironic that our gifts are so much alike. His gift to me though is just incredible. He poured his heart and soul onto the pages in front of me, and I’m overwhelmed thinking about it.

“This is just so cool, Tabs. Really. Thank you.” He leans over, kisses me tenderly, wraps his hands behind my head, and holds me against him.

This vivid memory from just a few days ago makes me quiver from head to toe. Tonight is New Year’s Eve, and I’m going to tell him for the first time how much I love him.

And for the first time ever, I’m desperate for intimacy. I need to feel him around me, on me, inside me. I want to be with him completely. I’m ready.