Deceived: Lured from the Truth (Secrets) (17 page)

He shrugs. “I’m not sure. Just different.”

I sit up now, looking intently at him. “I’m really trying to fit in here. I’m working hard in the kitchen. Attending my groups. Are you saying I’m not doing it right? I’m not trying hard enough?”

Now he looks perplexed. “Maybe that’s it. Maybe you’re trying
too hard
, Rachel. Maybe you’re losing yourself by trying so hard to be like …” He sighs, then looks up at the thatched roof overhead.

“Like what?”

He looks at me with a creased forehead. “Like the rest of them.”

I frown at him. “What’s wrong with that? Isn’t that why we’re here? To change and get better?”

“What if changing isn’t better?”

“What if it is?”

Closing his eyes, he exhales loudly.

“What’s wrong?” I ask. Suddenly I feel worried. Are we drifting apart? I don’t think I could do this without him.

He reaches up and grabs me by the shoulders, pulling me down on him and then we are kissing. And, as usual, when we’re kissing, I forget about everything else. But when the kissing’s over, I feel guilty.
As usual.
I feel guilty and confused.

Then we take our different routes back to our cabins, and I hurry to get ready for bed. Avoiding Miriam’s piercing eyes, I fall down on my knees and silently beg God to forgive me.

The next day I’m surprised to cross paths with Monique. Oh, I suppose it’s possible we’ve crossed paths before, but I didn’t recognize her. And seeing her now, dressed in what looks like one of Miriam’s castoff dresses and with her harsh makeup removed and her hair pulled back in a single braid, she looks completely different. Even her tattoos are hidden. Although I suspect they’re still there, simply concealed by the long sleeves and skirt.

“Rachel,”
she hisses at me as I’m heading for the restroom in the dining hall. It’s a few minutes before dinner, and I’m trying to grab a quick break before the place starts filling up.

I blink at her. “Monique?”

“Yes, of course. Who did you think it was?”

“Sorry.” I make an uneasy smile and nod to the door. “I have to use the facilities.”

“Good. I’ll talk to you in there.”

Once we’re inside the ladies’ room, Monique looks around, to confirm that we’re alone, and then scoots the tall stainless-steel wastebasket in front of the door.

“What are you doing?”

“For security.” She nods to a stall. “Go ahead and do your thing. Just listen. Okay?”

Not seeing how I can argue, since I really need to go, I enter the stall and proceed to “do my thing.” While I go, she is rambling, complaining, and whining.

“I’ve got to get out of here,” she says as I flush the toilet. “I’ve had it with this place. Everyone here is nuts and it’s getting nuttier every day.”

I don’t know what to say, but I’m glad she put the trash container by the door because I really wouldn’t want anyone else to hear her going on like this. I come out, glancing curiously at her as I meticulously wash my hands.

“Deacon Clarence is insisting that I marry him,” she tells me in a hushed tone.

“What?”
I turn to stare at her as I dry my hands. She’s clearly crazy.

“You
heard
me, Rachel. Deacon Clarence plans to take me as his wife — I mean, like any day now.”

“But he’s married,” I say as I toss the towel in the wastebasket still blocking the door. “I even know his wife.”

Monique rolls her eyes. “Are you serious?”

“Yes. He’s definitely married. His wife’s name is Cindy and he has three kids and — ”

“No, I mean are you seriously
that
clueless?”

“What do you mean?” I tip my head to one side, trying to figure her out.

“I mean are you really that naive, Rachel? You don’t know that these dudes believe it’s just fine to have multiple wives? I thought you were all cozy with Celeste and Jim. Haven’t they mentioned this to you by now?”

“No.” I firmly shake my head. “And I don’t believe you.”

She uses a foul word. “And I thought you could help me.”

“Help you … how?” I edge nervously toward the door, hoping to move that can and make a fast break out of here before she totally flips out on me. Monique clearly sounds like she’s losing it — big time.

“Help me get out of here, Rachel. I want you to talk to Josiah for me. I know you guys are close. And I know he makes deliveries. But I never get a chance to speak to him. Just tell him I need to leave and ask if I can ride with him when he’s — ”

Just then the door moves, bumping noisily into the can. I hurry over and slide it out of the way, smiling innocently as Bethany comes in.

“What’s wrong with the door?” she asks.

“Nothing,” I assure her. Then without looking back at Monique, I hurry out of there. I don’t know why she’s blocking doors and spouting such crazy stuff, but the girl needs some serious help. Just not from me. And not from Josiah. Monique is trouble. And someone higher up needs to deal with her.

Fortunately this is one of our rendezvous evenings, and I can’t wait to sneak out into the woods and tell Josiah what I just heard. Maybe we can both laugh about it. And maybe Josiah can talk to his uncle, suggest that Monique take a few days off. I’ve heard from Miriam that working in the dairy is one of the toughest jobs here. Maybe Monique just needs a break. Or some counseling.

But when I finally make it to our secret hideaway and spill my story to Josiah, he becomes very quiet. Too quiet.

“Is she losing her mind?” I press. “I mean, first she barricades me with her in the bathroom. Then she announces that Deacon Clarence is going to marry her. And then she tells me that she wants you to help her get out of here. I mean …
seriously?
”

“Rachel …” He sits up and, wrapping his arms around his knees, watches me closely, and I can see him weighing his response in his mind.

This worries me. “
What?
What is going on? Do you know?”

“Do you really
not
know?”

“Not know
what
?” Suddenly my chest tightens and my heart races, and not in a good way. It’s more like how you feel after waking from a nightmare or if you need to run for your life.

“Hasn’t Celeste told you … told you … about … ?”

“Told me about what?”

He gets a grim expression now. “Hasn’t she informed you that deacons in the church are allowed to marry more than one wife?”

“What the — ?”
I sit up straight, glaring at him. “You cannot be serious. Are you telling me that Monique was telling me the truth?”

He just nods.

“Well, that’s just unbelievable.”

“Surely you’ve heard about religious groups like this before. Churches that have spun off of other churches.”

“Is that what this is — a spin-off of GEF?”

He looks tired. “I tried to make myself believe it wasn’t. But I think I was wrong.”

I feel blindsided. How did I miss this? Did I see signs and was simply in deep denial? My head feels like it’s spinning. “I’m so confused.”

“I’m sorry, Rachel. I thought you knew. Surely you’ve heard of these kinds of groups before. It’s not terribly uncommon in the States.”

I frown at him. “Well, sure, I watched
Sister Wives
a couple of times back when it first came out. But it was like watching a freak show. And to be honest, it was pretty hard to believe. I honestly thought they made the whole thing up for ratings — and the people were just actors.”

“Some people believe it’s perfectly acceptable to live like that. Some say it’s biblical. Don’t forget that some of the fathers of our faith had multiple wives. Including Abraham, Jacob, David, Solomon … I could go on. My uncle has shown me these passages in the Bible enough times. And I mean the
real
Bible too. Not just my uncle’s real testament.”

I peer curiously at him. “Do you believe that? I mean, that it’s okay to have multiple wives?”

“No, I don’t think so. Not personally. But at the same time I try not to judge others. I try to be open. Still, it’s a fine balance sometimes.” He pushes his hair back with a frustrated look. “I’m still trying to figure these things out.”

“And I’m still trying to wrap my head around this. You’re not pulling my leg, are you, Josiah? Just for clarity, are you actually saying that Reverend Jim and the deacons honestly believe it’s okay to commit bigamy?”

“Some have more than just two wives.” He shakes his head sadly. “So you really didn’t know … I just assumed it would’ve been discussed in Celeste’s group.”

Now I try to remember. “There’s been a lot of teaching about being a wife and a mother, but I never heard it put quite like that — I’ve never heard anyone mention multiple wives.”

“Maybe they’re trying to break you in slowly.”

“Break me in?”

“Well, you’re here, Rachel. What did you expect? And my aunt likes you a lot. I’m sure they’re trying to indoctrinate you.”

“
Indoctrinate
me?” I find this term offensive. It smacks of brainwashing.

“Whatever you call it. They’re grooming you. Surely, you can see that.”

“What about you?” I demand.

“What about me?”

“Well, you’re here too. Are they indoctrinating you as well?”

“I’m sure they’re trying. Uncle Jim meets with me regularly. Like I said, he keeps telling me about our fathers of faith and their multiple wives. But he knows I’m resistant to some things.”

“Like polygamy?”

He takes in a deep breath, then just chuckles. “You actually sound jealous.” His tone has a slight teasing sound to it. And that irritates me.

“Of course I’d be jealous if I thought you were like that.” I stand up. “Because if you think I’d settle for being married to someone who wants more than one wife, you better think again.” Okay, even as I say this, I can hear how ridiculous I sound. It’s not as if he’s asking me to marry him. I move for the door. “I need to get back to my cabin.”

“Don’t leave like this.”

“Like what?” I brush loose pine needles from my dress.

“Angry. Don’t go away angry, Rachel.”

“I’m sorry,” I say in a hurt tone. “But this is too much to absorb. I think I’m in shock.”

“Then stay. Let’s talk it through.”

“Talk it through?” I’m blinking back tears now. It feels like my world is crumbling. Like no one is what I thought. Even Josiah no longer seems to be who I’d imagined him to be.

“Rachel,” he pleads. “Wait.”

“No wonder Monique wants to leave.” I duck down to slip out of the opening to the hut. And I take off running through the woods. As I run, I hope he’ll chase after me. I hope he’ll grab me and hold me in his arms and reassure me that everything is okay, that he’ll tell me it was all just a bad joke. And that no one has multiple wives here.

But as I run, I realize he’s not coming after me. I turn to look behind me as I approach the creek. But he’s not there. And finally, as I hurry across the footbridge again, it’s only the sound of the creek and my own lonely footsteps that I hear.

[CHAPTER 15]

W
hat is wrong with you?” Miriam demands when I burst into the cabin. “And where have you been?”

I look directly at her, gauging what and how much I want to say.

“Tell me,” she insists. “Or I shall go to Reverend Jim.”

I collapse on my bed and just cry. I feel so lost. So confused. So betrayed. My head hurts from trying to understand all this.

“What is it, child?” she gently asks me, sitting on the edge of my bed and stroking my hair. “What has happened to you?”

I sit up and look at her with tears streaming down my face. “I just found out — I just heard — that — that the deacons have multiple wives here.” I stare at her, trying to discern her reaction. “Is that true?”

She stands, turning her back to me.

“Is it true?”

She is pacing now, the hem of her long nightgown swishes back and forth across the braided rug as she paces. Her arms are folded tightly across her front and her expression is grim.

“Tell me,” I demand. “Josiah says it’s true. Monique says it’s true. Is it true?”

“Of course, it’s true. You little fool!” She turns, facing me with angry gray eyes. “Do you honestly expect me to believe you didn’t know that already?”

“I didn’t! I swear I didn’t.”

She shrugs. “Well, now you do.”

“But
why
?” I go over to her, glaring at her with clenched fists. “Why is this okay? And what about you, Miriam? None of the deacons seems intent on forcing you to marry. I don’t see you ever becoming a
sister wife
.”

She reaches her hand up and — just like that — slaps me right across the face. I’m so stunned I don’t know what to say. I slowly back away from her, holding a hand to my stinging cheek in horror.

Now Miriam begins to sob quietly. “I’m sorry, Rachel,” she finally says in a trembling voice. “I had no right to do that.”

I feel guilty for provoking her. “I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have said what I did … about you.”

She sits on her bed, holding her head in her hands, still crying. “You are right. I will never become a wife, nor will I become a sister wife. Never.”

I go over and sit in the chair by her bed. My head feels like it’s going to explode. So much is going through it — crazy thoughts, confused thoughts — flying about and bouncing up and down and left and right. I can’t begin to grasp them. I will never understand.

“I’m so confused,” I admit. “I thought this place was about getting to know God, about serving him, about being pure and good and holy. And I was trying.”

She looks at me with defiant eyes. “It is! It’s about all those things.”

I study her closely, seeing the sincere determination in her eyes. “You know, Miriam, I believe it is. At least for you.”

“Not only for me. We
all
want those things. But it takes time and work. We’re not perfect … but we are working toward perfection — together. We’re learning and growing, and if we obey our leadership and humble ourselves, we will get there — together.”

I let out a long, tired sigh.

“I can see your faith is shaken.” She removes a tattered handkerchief from her nightgown sleeve and loudly blows her nose.