Deception (16 page)

“Cause she’s all woman, sleek and beautiful, and I know how to get her motor running,” Jake jokes.

“You’re such a dipshit, sometimes,” I chuckle. “That reminds me, when Roxi and Ricky move in tomorrow, do me a favour and watch your humour and your activities around the house. Ricky has a very young and impressionable mind, and he’s been through enough.”

“Wait a minute... You’re saying I can’t have sex in my own house anymore?”

Sarah and him sound like wild animals, it scares the crap out of me, so it would probably put Ricky in counselling for the rest of his life. “Go get your scream on at Sarah’s place instead.”

He laughs at this. “Yeah, there is no way to keep that woman quiet. I’m just that damn good.”

Jackass.

My palms start to sweat at the prospect of facing the chief as we pull up to the station.

“Good luck with The Grouch,” Jake says, referring to the chief by his nickname. His real name is Oscar, and his mood matches the Sesame Street character most of the time, so we added the grouch to his title and it’s kind of stuck. We just have to be careful to never use it to his face. I don’t think it would go down too well. “I haven’t seen him this mad since that time we put his hand in a bowl of warm water while he slept.”

Damn, that’s pretty angry.

“Thanks, I’m gonna need it.”

When I walk into the station, everyone’s all cleaned up and getting ready to settle into their bunks and catch some z’s. The Grouch is sitting at the table with a stern expression on his face.
Shit
. He looks up at me as I enter the room. Eyes narrowed and lips in a thin line. “Go get yourself cleaned up and then get in my office, boy.”
Double shit.
He only calls us crew by ‘boy’ if he’s throwing his weight around.

I just nod in response. Better to keep my big mouth shut. I’ve already gotten myself into enough trouble. As swiftly as possible, I gather up some clean clothes and head back to the showers.

Standing under the warm water, I close my eyes and visualise what Roxi’s eyes looked like, as I gazed into them back at the hospital. Traumatized, yet strong and determined. She’s one of the bravest people I’ve ever met; and I run into burning buildings for a living. I reminisce about her smooth skin as I ran my fingers down the side of her face. How does something so delicate, hold in so much pain and heartache without breaking apart?

While I wash my body, my dick grows hard as I recall everything about her. I guess I should be appalled that this broken woman makes me so horny, but I can’t help it. She’s hot as hell, everything about her. I admire her, all of her. I’m aware she’s not fuck buddy material, it’s just I can’t get my eyes and my dick to cooperate. She has me tied up in fucking knots, and I’m not even dating her.

As I ease the tension building in my body, I realise that there are going to be a lot of cold showers in my future, since Roxie will be around and unconsciously tempting me.

*****

I
knock once on the chief’s door, and then enter. He’s glaring daggers my way and I bite my tongue, waiting until he gets whatever he needs to say off his chest, before I defend myself.

“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t suspend your stupid ass right now, O’Conner. Ignoring a direct order is not acceptable. I don’t care if it’s your own mother in there, if I say stay away from the burning house; you stay away from the bloody house, you got it?”

As he mentions my mother, I wince. He isn’t aware that I have done just that, left my mother in a burning house. From a fire I started, when I was a dumb kid. Now’s not the time to bring up how I think he’s wrong though. How I think we should keep trying, even when it seems impossible. If I disagree he’ll just suspend me, then I won’t be any use to anyone.

“Yes sir.”

“Get out of here. I’m not giving you the opportunity to do anything else foolish tonight. I’ll see you for your shift tomorrow.” He waves his hand in the air and dismisses me and I don’t argue.

Jake’s sitting up on his bunk and awake when I walk back into the main room. He finishes typing something on his phone before looking up at me. “How’d it go?” he asks, nodding his head in the direction of the grouch’s office.

“I was lucky, I think all he wanted to do was blow off some steam. He must have already cooled down for the most part before I got here. He’s sending me home for the rest of tonight.”

He glances around at the other bunks before lowering his voice and narrowing his eyes at me, “It’s for the best. If you went on another callout tonight with the headspace you’re in, either you or someone else could get seriously hurt. You need to go home and sort your shit out.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence. I know what I’m capable of, so stop worrying about me,” I scoff.

Unwavering, Jake stands up so we’re eye to eye. “I’m serious Luke, stop putting your life in jeopardy for the sake of others or I’m talking to the chief.” He stares me down, but I have nothing to say that he’s going to like, so I just nod instead.

He backs away and I follow him over to his locker, where he pulls out his car keys. “Here, take Eleanor.” He throws them at me and I’m grateful that I don’t have to wait around for a cab. “I’ll catch a lift with Dex.”

“Thanks Jake.” I give him a one armed hug. “I’ll show her how well her motor can really run with someone who knows what they’re doing.”

He punches me half-heartedly in the shoulder and heads back to his bunk. “See ya later, man.”

“See ya,” I reply as I leave for home to get some sleep, before picking up Roxi and Ricky. It’s been a long night, even though it hasn’t been a full one.

*****

I
can hear the blood pumping through my veins and my heavy breaths circulating through my helmet. Everything else around me is just white noise. It doesn’t matter. All that counts is getting to her. The rungs of the ladder keep going and going and I don’t seem to be getting any closer to the top. She propels me to keep going forward though, to reach for new heights. I bang on the glass trying to smash it, but no matter how much force I apply, it won’t break. “Help me,” she mouths, hands pressed against mine through the window, fingers sliding down the glass, sinking to the floor and slowly out of sight. I thump against the pane repeatedly, to no avail. Desperate wide eyes look back at me. “Why Luke? Why did you do this to me?” Only it’s not her anymore, it’s my mother. And I still can’t get to her. I watch on in horror as the flames cover her, my dad’s voice in my head, “You’re just like me, son.”

“I’m not him, I’m not him.” Pain sears across the side of my face and my eyes shoot open.

“Luke, wake up.” Jake’s panicked eyes connect with mine and he slumps down on the chair beside the bed.

“Did you just slap me?” I ask, confused.

“Damn straight. You were scaring the shit out of me. I’ve never heard you scream so loud in one of your nightmares before.”

I sit up, my heart still hammering in my chest. “Sorry man. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“You didn’t wake me. I just walked through the door. I could actually hear you yelling from out in the street. Look Luke, you know I never hassle you about this, but it’s getting worse. I can’t ignore it any longer, more to the point, you can’t either. Not just for the sake of your sanity, but what are Roxi and Ricky going to think when they hear you screaming bloody murder?”

I wince, I didn’t think of that.
Shit.

“Okay, I get it. I’ll sort it out and make an appointment with the shrink again,” I say with distaste. I hate strangers trying to analyse me. How can they possibly understand what I’ve been through? But I must admit my nightmares decrease when I talk about it. When I let some of the demons escape my mind instead of keeping them trapped inside, slowly chipping away, until my guard is down when I sleep and they shout out to make themselves known.

“Yes you are, because I’m gonna make you.” He gets up to leave the room and I hear him mutter under his breath something about tough love and being cruel to be kind.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” I hop out of bed and walk to my doorway, watching him exit the house instead of going to his room for a day’s sleep.

“You’ll see,” he yells.

“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.”

- Ernest Hemingway

Roxi

R
estless, irritable and still in a considerable amount of pain I move around on the hard, narrow bed trying to get comfortable. In between the nurse constantly coming in to check our vitals, and Ricky’s cries through the night, I’ve hardly slept a wink.

Being at the hospital is a constant reminder of the devastation we have just been through and it’s making me edgy. I just want to leave, but then remember I have no home to go back to and that everything has changed, causing even more anxiety.

I fidget with the spoon in my hand, staring at the cereal that was left for me on the table tray and stressing over how I’m going to afford to feed Ricky and me now. My stomach twists with worry and my appetite is non-existent, but I guess I should force myself to eat, while there is food available to me.

“Hey Roxi, aren’t you hungry? You should really try to eat something and keep your strength up.” Rachel approaches my bed with a bag full of clothes and I’m relieved to see her familiar face. Thankful to have someone to take me away from my own dismal thoughts, or to at least help put them into perspective. I know I should just be happy that I’m here and safe, but I can’t stop fretting over the smaller details.

“Not particularly. I’m too busy attempting to figure out how to put food on the table for Ricky. Luke is giving me a place to stay, but we’re just friends, I can hardly expect him to provide for Ricky and me financially also. I should’ve thought through my plan better before creating all this chaos.” I lower my head, upset with myself for not thinking everything through properly, for taking my new found confidence and running with it.

Rachel places her hand under my chin, tilting my head to meet her firm gaze. “You listen to me, Roxi Keaton.”

“Stewart, I’m going to change it back to Roxi Stewart,” I interrupt.

“That’s great, but there is only one thing I want you to concentrate on right now. You didn’t create any chaos, that was all him. He’s not even here and he’s still manipulating you into believing this is your fault somehow, and it’s not at all. Do you understand me?” Her eyes narrow and she continues to hold my face waiting for me to agree.

“Understood,” I reply, not really believing. I know it’s partly my fault. If I’d left earlier in the day, or handled things differently, we’d probably be in a better situation right now.

She places the bag she’s holding on the foot of the bed and pulls something out before sitting beside me. “Now, as for money troubles, I’d never let you or Ricky starve. I can’t give you a lot, ’cause money’s a bit tight at the moment, but I’ve got you another phone, so you can call me whenever you need to. I’m number one on the speed dial.” She passes me the small black phone and smiles up at me. “And I want you to have this,” she hands over a wad of bills and I shake my head pushing it away.

“You can’t afford the phone, let alone the money, Rach.”

“Nonsense,” she insists as she drops it on my lap. “I have an emergency savings fund and this is an emergency. And you should be able to get some type of crisis payment off the government, which will tide you over until you can get an I.D and set up a regular payment or get a job. I did a little investigating on the net last night.”

I lean in and give her a hug, glancing over her shoulder at Ricky eating his cereal. With friends like her by my side, I not only have faith that we’re going to be okay, I have hope that our lives will be fuller, richer, better. It gives me the strength to move forward without letting the past hold me back. I pick up my spoon and start eating my cereal.

*****

“M
ummy I thought you said we were going home.” Ricky’s pulling on my skirt, as he looks up at me with wide eyes and a trembling lower lip.

I swallow hard, trying not to cry before I answer him. “This is going to be our home for a little while honey. There was a fire at our place, remember? We can’t live there anymore.” I see him wince at the memory and kneel to his level to wrap him in my arms.

“Oh, is Daddy coming to live here too?”

How do I even begin to explain to a five year old that his daddy tried to kill him? That we’ll never see him again? And if by chance he does happen to see his father, he needs to run in another direction and hide?

“What about my toys? Can we bring those here?”

My heart breaks a little more that Ricky lost all of his favourite things. Possessions shouldn’t mean much when we’re alive, safe and well, but to Ricky they meant a great deal. He took solace in them when his father was being an asshole and would pay him no attention. When it was safer to stay out of sight and speak only when being spoken to. Hopefully, I can give him that comfort freely now that Joseph isn’t here to try and stop me. No one will ever tell Ricky to toughen up again. He’s my baby, and still only a child. He should be fussed over.

“My housemate, Jake, has a pretty bad ass drum kit I’m sure he’ll let you have a go at.” I’m thankful to Luke for distracting him and a smile finally finds my face as I hear Ricky gasp. I know exactly what’s going to come out of his mouth next. Joseph may have a foul mouth but I’ve always taught Ricky how to speak like a gentleman. My son won’t be anything like his so called father.

“Um-mah. You said a naughty word.” Ricky looks back and forth between us, expecting me to reprimand Luke for his behaviour. The thought of sending Luke to the naughty corner has my grin breaking out into laughter.

“So I did. Maybe I deserve a spanking.” He winks at me as he says this and I feel Ricky flinch in my arms.

“It’s okay sweetie pie. No one is getting a spanking.” Joseph threatened him with, 
“I’ll smack your ass boy,”
too many times to count, but I never actually allowed him to do it. Just the threat of it absolutely petrified poor little Ricky. “Let’s go see this drum kit, hey? You can rock out some twinkle, twinkle little star.” I stand back up and take his tiny hand in mine.