Deep (16 page)

Except the thought of him shattered was like a physical blow.

In the space of these seconds, I held him together, my hands on his shoulders, my gaze locked on his. My body remained open to him, letting him invade me, letting him
hurt
me—but my mind was focused completely on him.

“Let go,” I whispered. “I’ll catch you.”

I wasn’t sure if he’d know what I meant, but he groaned as if he did. Then his body jerked once, twice. He stiffened, his cock flexing inside me. I flinched at the friction against sensitive inner walls. I was raw inside and out, twisted and turned upside down.

He collapsed on top of me, my body cradling his. And I did catch him.

I held him while he trembled, held him while he buried that pain deep where it had been for an eternity. Because it wasn’t worth risking his destruction, not for the possibility of us. Not even for the promise. I loved him too much as he was—powerful, mysterious. Dangerous.

Chapter Twenty-Three

S
HELLY MET
L
UKE
when she was a call girl. He was a cop. It wasn’t love at first sight, but it was definitely desire. They’d circled each other for a long time, Luke pursuing Shelly and Shelly working as his informant. In the end he helped her escape the life. And she helped him reclaim his.

She’d been raised in a life of luxury with a very dark underside. There was no one who deserved a strong, patient man more than her. After some of the things I had seen, I could definitely appreciate the appeal of a cop, a good man—the security of it. The safety.

Only he didn’t look very safe now, leaning against the porch rail of their ranch-style house. He looked dangerous, like he had already been crossed and he was waiting to return fire. Something about his stance told me that he was armed too.

Philip stowed his gun in a side compartment and moved to exit the vehicle.

I had been to this house before, had visited Shelly under very different circumstances. And this was all wrong. Terrifying, in the way that guns and violence always felt. But even more wrong because I knew from the way Shelly still spoke about him that she cared.

I stopped him with a hand on his arm. “Wait.”

She cared, and she’d never have betrayed him.

He turned back, one eyebrow raised.

I looked again at Luke—who had clearly been warned of our arrival. Who was clearly prepared to defend his home. I didn’t think he wanted to shoot Philip, but I knew he’d do anything to protect Shelly. The thought of Philip approaching him without a weapon, without his men, completely defenseless—and at my request—made my stomach clench.

At the same time, I couldn’t ask him to bring it. I couldn’t handle the thought of him shooting Luke or Shelly. I wanted everyone to walk away from this.

Philip must have read my worry in the silence. He laughed softly. “Do you think so little of me, kitten? You think a cop is going to get the jump on me.”

“Luke is a good cop,” I said defensively.

A small smile. “That’s how I’d beat him. Disarm. Detain. Killing only as a last resort. That’s what good cops do.”

I bit my lip. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”

And I knew he understood the unspoken plea—
I don’t want you to hurt anyone, either.

He placed a hand on the crux of my shoulder and neck, both possessive and comforting. His dark gaze captured mine. “I wasn’t going to wave a gun around, kitten. That’s not how I operate.”

Don’t ask, don’t ask.
“How do you operate?”

Damn it.

He pressed a kiss to my forehead. “I don’t pull out a gun unless I’m about to shoot someone.”

“Then why bring it?”

“Insurance. I told myself a long time ago that no man would have control over me.”

Again.
The word hung in the air. That no man would have control over him again.

I wasn’t the only one wearing the chains of my past.

I looked out the window at Luke, who watched us with patience and steady determination. He was a good man, a strong one—but he could not touch Philip, for exactly the reason Philip had said. Because he was too noble to fight dirty, and because Philip didn’t know any other way to fight.

“He won’t have control over you,” I said.

“No,” Philip murmured. “But you do. I wonder what you’ll do with it.”

Then he was gone, leaving me staring after him. I scrambled to follow him out of the car, glancing at Adrian, who held the door open.

Adrian gave me a small smile of encouragement, but I could see the tension in his expression. He was worried too. An external threat, Philip could handle. This was something invisible and much closer, shadows slipping between us before we could blink.

I caught up to Philip in time to hear him say, “Good evening.”

Luke simply studied him—and then looked me over. “Are you okay?” he asked softly.

Okay wasn’t exactly the word I’d use, but Philip wasn’t hurting me. That was what Luke was really asking. “I’m fine.”

“Where’s Shelly?” Philip asked, undeterred.

“Inside,” Luke answered. “It’s locked. She’s armed. And she isn’t opening the door until I tell her to.”

Philip frowned. “Someone told you we were coming.”

“You aren’t the only one with friends in low places.”

“I don’t have friends. I have money. It gets the job done quicker.”

Luke shook his head. “And that’s where you’re wrong. You have a friend in Shelly, though hell if I know why. She didn’t tell a damn soul about you.”

“Not even you?” Philip asked, raising one eyebrow.

“You’re wasting your time here.”

Philip spread his arms wide. “I didn’t come here to hurt her. I’m not armed. You can pat me down if you like.”

“Not even a knife strapped to your ankle,” Luke asked, raising an eyebrow back at him.

That earned him a laugh. “Okay, so I didn’t strip down completely either. The point is, someone talked. It’s reasonable to see if Shelly may have let something slip—”

The door opened behind Luke, and Shelly stepped onto the porch wearing a tank top and yoga pants. Even now, with her hair loose and no makeup, she looked more glamorous than I could ever hope to be. “Reasonable,” she said drily. “That’s how everyone describes you.”

“Shelly,” Luke said, his voice a warning.

She shot him a look. “I let you play bodyguard, didn’t I?” Then she stepped close and enfolded me in a warm hug. She had lost some of her sardonic edge since she’d quit being a call girl and started working at the women’s shelter full-time. “God, sweetie. We heard from a guy Luke knows on the force.”

“It’s crazy. I’m worried sick.”

She pulled back with a concerned expression. “Worried about what?”

“You know, my brother.” I blinked. “What were you talking about?”

Shelly gave Philip a speaking glance. “The mess at your dorm. Him taking you out at gunpoint. Jesus, Philip. You held a gun to her head?”

Philip just stared at her, lids low. He didn’t say
the safety was on.
Maybe because he knew it wouldn’t absolve him. Or maybe because he wanted people to think the worst of him.

Except for me.

Luke wrapped his arm around Shelly’s waist. “Maybe we ought to invite them inside, seeing as he doesn’t plan to shoot anyone tonight. It sounds like there’s more to this story than we know.”

Chapter Twenty-Four

S
HELLY’S HOUSE HAD
honey-colored hardwood floors and wooden furniture with thick knobs and fat legs painted white. The sofa was made from a soft kind of corduroy, so lush I wanted to sink into it and never leave. I had always found it deeply restful.

Less so now.

She went directly to the kitchen, which opened to the sitting area. She pulled out a pot and filled it with water. “Chai?” she asked.

“Yes, please.” It was my favorite kind of tea, and Philip’s expression turned speculative. I wasn’t sure he knew we’d maintained a friendship after those dark times.

But then if he’d been watching me, he knew everything about me.

Luke turned a chair away from the kitchen table and sat, elbows on his knees, his hands steepling in front of him. “I heard that you were taken from someone who’d been at the scene, that you hadn’t been found. I was hoping Philip would do the right thing. Especially with a warrant over his head.”

Philip appeared unrepentant. “That warrant is bogus.”

Shelly came to sit while the water heated. “Raine called to tell me he may have inadvertently sent you to me, that someone was targeting Ella because you knew her. At least it made sense why you’d been at her dorm, protecting her.”

Philip said nothing to that.

The uncertainty must have been visible in my eyes, because he gave me a half smile. There was a challenge there, daring me to push him away. And there was enough vulnerability that I couldn’t.

I took his hand in mine, so large and powerful and scarred.

A sense of possessiveness grabbed hold of me, stronger than anything I’d imagined. He said that I was his, but the truth was that he was mine too. He
had
come to that dorm room to protect me. “Thank you,” I whispered.

After a long moment he said, “There’s too much piling up. Too many coincidences. First someone attacks me on my way to you and then—”

“So you were coming to me,” I said softly.

His expression grew dark. “Yes. I wouldn’t have let them touch you.”

And I would have been taken, I realized. Without Philip’s presence, I would have been kidnapped just like my brother had been. As much as it pained me that it had happened to Tyler, I couldn’t help my relief that I had escaped it. I had barely survived the first time. I didn’t think I’d be so lucky a second time.

“Someone knew where you were going,” Luke said quietly.

Shelly moved to the kitchen and returned with a mug for me. I inhaled the spiced aroma with pleasure and took a sip. The creamy liquid slid down my throat, warming me from the inside. Philip studied my face, almost mesmerized.

He tore his gaze away as if fighting himself for focus.

“That’s right,” Philip said finally. “It was a trap.”

My eyes widened at the implications. I was the trap. “That’s…horrible.”

Shelly sat on a plush ottoman on the opposite side of Philip. She looked him in the eye. “I have never told anyone about you except for Luke. And I never would.”

Philip stared at her for a long moment, distilling her words for truth. Then he said gruffly, “All right. I had to check.”

She nodded, not offended despite the clear insult. “There are others who could know. If you kept tabs on her, had investigators…” She offered me a small smile. “Sorry, but I know how he works.”

“Me too,” I said quietly.

And I was beginning to understand as well, both the things he had said and the things he could not. Control was about more than guns and fists. It was about desire. It was about obsession. That was what he’d meant in the car, the words he’d been able to speak.

There was more, though. Words he couldn’t say yet, about love.

“I’ve been careful,” Philip said slowly. “But clearly not careful enough. I’ll find the leak.”

“And the brother?” Luke asked. “My contact didn’t mention another kidnapping. They wouldn’t know that it’s connected.”

“There hasn’t been a hostage demand,” I said quietly. “Not yet.”

Luke’s eyes darkened with sympathy. “The cops can help setup the drop.”

“They won’t go to them.” My parents would follow any ransom demands to the letter, including leaving out the cops. They wouldn’t have done anything to jeopardize my brother’s life. And they already knew how little the police could do against men like this—nothing, in my case.

I was their test run. Their throwaway. Only the people in this room had ever seemed to think otherwise. That I was worth saving, worth loving.

Only Philip had wanted me the way a man does a woman, even knowing every dark thing about me, but had the cold integrity to hold himself back. And I thought I’d always loved him for it, even when I was just a broken little girl. Always loved and hated him for it, just the way he had loved and hated me.

*

“
E
LLA, WAIT.”
S
HELLY
stopped me as I was leaving.

Curious, I followed her back into the house, leaving Philip outside. I glanced back, where he stood silhouetted by the moon, his figure tall and proud like some kind of lone cowboy. And that was what he was, I realized. He didn’t answer to anyone, except maybe nature—the crux of the city. He forged his own path.

“What’s up?” I asked when we were out of ear-shot.

She glanced around, looking… guilty. Then she pulled something out of her pocket. “Maybe I should have given you this a long time ago.”

In her palm was a delicate gold necklace with a pale green jade stone pendant. It was innocuous and pretty, but the sight of it sent shivers down my spine. “Is that yours?”

“No.” She bit her lip, looking younger than me. She was only a few years older, but she seemed wise beyond her years. Except now, when she seemed mostly nervous. “It’s yours.”

“I don’t understand.”

“When that shit happened a few years ago… God, Ella. I didn’t want to tell you. You had gotten back safely, you were with your family. I wanted that for you. Peace. Happiness.”

I had never found peace or happiness in my adopted home, but I didn’t tell her that. “I’m fine,” I said instead, softly, knowing she still worried about me.

“It’s from your mother.”

My breath stuttered, stopped. I stared at the pretty jade pendant as if it had suddenly come alive, a snake in her hand. “Why would you have that? You
met
her?”

The worry on her face answered me. “She gave it to me. I met her… She was a…”

“Don’t,” I said sharply. I knew what the odds were, a mother who had given away her child, a city full of danger and sin. And it explained how Shelly had met her, either through her network or at the shelter. My birth mother was a prostitute.

That part wasn’t particularly shocking. It wasn’t particularly hurtful.