Deep in the Heart of Me (14 page)

Dad attaches the battery to the radio, and we gather round to hear
Death Valley Days.
We listen to that trumpet sound, and the voice of Old Ranger says, "Howdy folks."

Now that bugle usually gets me excited and by Ranger's greeting, I'm daring anyone to make a peep. So I love the Death Valley stories. But tonight, I almost don't care at all. I'm across the room from Sobe eating my popcorn, bites of my own, then the dampish ones Pee-Wee tries to feed me in hopes I'll let him sleep with me.

"That's enough," I tell him, but in another minute here comes his hand and I push it down and say, "Feed Elsie."

I have not been as soft with Joseph, well him too near my age. Nor with Ebbie. I was too busy growing myself. But Pee-Wee, there is space between us and I feel protective of him. And so does Elsie. It is the thing we're all closest on next to the land and love of our parents—Pee-Wee. If there was ever a fire he's making it out because we're all going for him first.

Elsie might let me burn. And while I'd do the right thing, she wouldn't be my first choice. She doesn't need me anyway, she's the strongest girl, well nearly the strongest I know.

I am looking at the other named Sobe Bell, and she has a soft spot for Pee-Wee. She is beckoning him to come sit on her lap. He does that, and he's doing the big smile, and we all laugh when we see it because his whole face is his very wide, wet mouth turned upward. He's in love with Sobe.

I look around, and they all are in love with Sobe, I think. There's no way we won't scare her off. What a desperate bunch.

Now, Sheriff, he is not beyond noticing how Sobe seems to enjoy rocking Pee-Wee. I must be daft not to get this. The best thing I have going for me getting Sobe under our roof is my little brother. He's about as innocent as it gets. It won't be me settles this deal. It will be Pee-Wee.

Mom is darning, and her eyes shoot Sobe's way and then to me. Sobe does not see how Maman studies her, but I see it of course, and I look at my mother like, "What?"

Ever since we came in late for our pie because we were getting the kindling, she's been giving me this look. And she's the one sent me out!

And Elsie, she is making a pouting face at Pee-Wee trying to get him to come sit on her lap. Good Lord, I hope she's not jealous because her devotion to Sobe is also important in the scheme of things.

Colleen and Martha, are especially easy to turn, two for one. And the other two, Mary and Sarah, they need to stay out of the way because there is a little Elsie hiding in each only they aren't as brilliant, but they are as opinionated about too many things.

I never understood why we had to have so many of them, of girls. But I wouldn't have welcomed more boys either except in harvest. But Pee-Wee. He's not so bad.

"You've had enough water," Elsie is telling Pee-Wee from across the room. It's near bedtime and Sobe, never having slept in a warm puddle, has been giving him all he wants.

Sheriff is having a fine time. He listens to the program and every now and again he leans toward the set to better hear.

Having only one kid, he doesn't know what it's like to try and listen to something with all these chattering girls about.

Shaun is not in here. Joseph took him his dinner in the bunkhouse. He does not stay with us more than he has to. And Dad has eased Sheriff's mind, I think. Dad has given him consolation that we've had no trouble on our land before now.

Before the Smiths, no one dared to mess with us.

My dad, he can fight if he has to. Not only was he in the Great War, but Uncle John says he boxed in the old days, and he was feared. My dad is thick in the chest and arms. The picture of him and Mom on their wedding day, she wears a hat and stockings, and she is beautiful, and he just looks funny in his suit. He said that suit was for monkeys, and he was choking the whole time, and Mom says he was fine and handsome as Spencer Tracy. I don't have an opinion on that. On Spencer Tracy.

Anyway, it's no time to think
on
dumb stuff. I have so many problems to solve. I can't be the one to ask Sheriff if Sobe can stay with us, and Sobe won't ask without an invitation. Or maybe she doesn't want to.

Elise has to suggest it, make Mom see how it could be done, then I could help on that because Maman will ask me, I know. But I can't look like I'm up to something because that will go against me. And I'm not up to something anyway, just doing what Dad always says, being my…neighbor's keeper. Well, maybe I am up to a couple of things. But I've got reasons. I think if Mom hadn't seen the handkerchief, I think then she wouldn't be so suspicious of me.

"What on earth has got you?" Maman asks like my brain is making noise with all these thoughts.

I point to the radio. We're not supposed to talk. I pretend the burro's story Old Ranger is telling has me captured.

"Tickle, tickle," Pee-Wee is saying to Sobe as he tries to tickle her ribs with his greasy hands. We're the most embarrassing bunch of mud grubbers.

Elsie picks her book off the floor so she can do homework. I have not even asked what I must do to catch up.

The new teacher comes Monday. I'm not going to expect someone grand. Probably another pickle puss and that's really fine for me. School can't help but be interesting with Sobe there. It's all I require, or I'd be out.

And I look at Dad. I know he said to throw school off. But it's something to do over the winter. Come spring he'll be mad at us with planting. Long as we keep up with our work, he shouldn't be too unhappy with scholars for sons. And I'll make sure none of us lag.

The next morning I am up early getting everything done, ordering Ebbie and Joseph about as they are sluggish.

I have…enthusiasm. I don't need much sleep even. Shaun is getting jiggered at me. "When should we take Otto's…you know what."

"Friday night when Otto's game is high," I say.

"Well, listen to you," he says with possible admiration.

"Have Pat get Uncle John's truck. You and him will wait by the creek, and I'll go in for the mule and ride the thing out. We'll load him, and Pat drives all night and takes him to Springfield bright and early for Saturday's sale," I say. "But not you. You're here."

I finish the last udder, and that's what I call them sometimes, not cows but udders. I slap that cow's rump and take my full pail to the last can. "Pat's got that colt. Good time to bring him along. If the coppers ask about a mule brought into the sale it will help if it's a mule and a colt," I say knowing full well it won't go that far but feeling like a gangster sort of, and liking it. "But we need the bill of sale so we know who took him and how far he goes. The Smiths never leave the county. They won't start now. Less there's another Great War or they're hauled off to jail."

"We'll split it three ways," Shaun says meaning the proceeds from sale.

"No. It's you. Pat sells the colt. You pay Otto what comes from the mule."

Shaun laughs. "It's brilliant." He looks around for my dad so he can light a smoke, "Your maman know what a devil she's raised?"

I hope not. I'd like to keep my new gangster life as far from Maman as possible.

So I'm soon in the line for school. The gaggle behind me, the herd up front. I've not a book with me, and I don't help my sisters with theirs. I'll only get in a couple of weeks before we'll butcher. Even though it's cool today, you can feel a light freeze coming.

I hear a motor coming from behind, and I turn to look. It is something I've not seen before.

"Get out of the road," I call to the gaggle. They line the side to stand and gawk. Like me.

The sound is a motorcycle with a small seat in a giant bean attached to its side for a passenger.

The cycle draws closer, and it's most curious is all. The rider wears a helmet and goggles, as a pilot might. And it waves quickly to the gaggle, and they wave back. Then it waves to me and continues past.

Then it waves to the herd, and they do not wave, they call to me, "Whoa, it's a woman!"

It's a woman. Now who could this be? A motorcycle like I've never seen. And a woman steering it? I don't like it at all.

The motorcycle is parked at the school, and you can't see it for the boys around it.

I go inside. There's milling about in here too, like a holiday. There is a tall woman at the desk, tall and very skinny. Girls are gathered there, chattering on and on. Corrine smiles at me.

But I am looking for Sobe.

I see her easy as finding a penny in a bowl of oats.

I make my way in, and I take the seat behind Sobe after I chase another from it who gives me no trouble at all but gets out of my way. I pull on Sobe's hair a little in case she thinks she will ignore me.

She turns and smiles at me and hands me a small envelope. My name is written on the front. "Antonio," it says.

I look at the new teacher and class is not yet called to order, and I put my finger under the flap that is sealed with a disk of wax and I break that and pull the thick white paper from inside.

I am invited to a Halloween party given by Sobe and…Sheriff on the upcoming Friday evening.

I sit back in my desk very slowly, and I look at Sobe, and she is handing one of the envelopes to Elsie, and I turn and Tillo, back of the room has an invitation, and he's holding his up to Utz who also has one and I look around, and no one is without one of the thick white cards in their hands or on top of their desks.

No one.

She turns and smiles at me. "Isn't it wonderful Tonio? It's my dad's idea."

It's not exactly wonderful. Not at all. She's saying something about games. And food. It's nothing special to get this. Tillo and Utz? She can't be serious. I'm nothing to her. I'm one more. Only one more. And she let me kiss her.

"I don't know if I can come," I say. Coldly. I do have that mule to steal.

"But…why?"

She's very pretty, I'll give her that, and it makes it worse if possible.

"If you want to kiss Tillo, I won't stand in your way," I say.

"That's enough class," new teacher is saying rapping her ruler on her desk. She is Miss Patricia Rivers. She is writing it on the board.

"Turn around," I tell Sobe.

Her face falls. I have heard that before—his face fell. Her face fell. It's stupid to think that, but it is exactly what happens.

I stare at the back of her shiny, glossy head, her thick hair over her shoulders, her delicate…betraying shoulders. I think of us…hours before, side of the house. It got settled then. For me, it did anyway. And now…I look at that paper and imagine her dunking for apples with Tillo and me running forward in a rage and holding his head under and her father having to shoot me because the German is going limp….

"Put your invitations away and get out your histories. If you don't have a book move your desk next to someone and share. Now, who has a book?" Teacher says.

I don't have a book. I don't want a book.

"You will share with Sobe," Teacher says walking our aisle handing out one of the extra books to me.

"Teacher I will share with Sobe," Tillo says, and others laugh and I close my eyes, and my hands make fists.

The book lies on my desk, and I do not move, and Sobe is struggling to bring her desk alongside me, and I do not help.

She gets it there, and she plops into it a little out of breath. They are opening their books, and Sobe opens the book before me. "Antonio," she whispers. "What is it?"

I look at her. "Only my mother calls me that," I say very sternly.

She pulls back a little.

"Read Mr., Clannan is it? Mr. Clannan? Oh, I have a Miss Clannan as well. Let's hear from the Mister then. Mr. Clannan?" Teacher says looking up from her ledger for me.

Sobe opens the book and smooths the page before me and points to the place but I hear her sniff, and I look at her, and she might be trying not to cry.

And I look back at the page, and I begin to read in my very flat voice.

The rain has finally stopped. The schoolyard is mud. This has been one strange day.

I've already told Elsie to tell Joseph to watch the girls.

"We don't need watching," she'd informed me. "Where are you going?"

"I'll be home for milking," I'd said ignoring the question when she already knew.

My lunch bag is full. I had no heart to eat anything from it. During lunch, Miss Patricia Rivers gave the late students a list of all the work they would need to catch up.

She's a pistol that Miss Rivers. Her father was a military man, she said. She once went to Africa and hunted elephants.

When Utz asked what kind of rifle she'd used, she said, "An elephant gun, of course." She'd winked at me when she said it. I didn't know if she was lying.

She takes liberty to touch my hair while I'm working. Twice she scratched my head and others' heads. She looks over our shoulders to see what we are writing and reads it aloud while she scratches over our brains and right there asks all kinds of questions.

So many questions. She asks us late ones the most. She fires questions at us. "What is the capital of Spain Miss Sobe Sheriff?"

"Madrid," Sobe says.

Are we aware of the unrest in Spain?

"My Dad says Spain is a dangerous place," Sobe says. "He says it lights a fuse under the whole of Europe."

"Oh," Miss Pat says with such interest it makes me wonder if Sobe should have stayed quiet.

"And does your father tell you of the dangers?" she says suddenly to me.

"He says Spain is ready to split. And the fascists will have a field day if they don't fight each other first." That is my reply.

She looks very happy over this, not happy, but interested. I think I see delight.

"Who are the dangerous despots?" she says to me.

"The upstart Hitler. Stalin."

"Hitler," Tillo sneers.

"And Mussolini," Sobe says.

"My Granma spits into her handkerchief when Dad reads Mussolini's name from the St. Louis paper," I say.

"And what do you think of all this?" Miss Patricia asks me, a small smile on her lips. Her face is long and thin, and she is not pretty, and I don't know yet if I even like her, she is so strange. But she is interesting.

I look briefly at the Smiths who listen with their mouths hanging open cause Otto has not taken the time to teach them anything at all. "I am glad to live in The United States of America," I say. "Others have fought, and many have died to achieve our freedoms."

"Tonio," Tillo sneers under his breath, just like he sneered Hitler.

Miss Patricia holds her hand, palm out toward Tillo, but she does not look. She says to me, "Go on Mr. Clannan. What does your father tell you about freedom?"

I don't want to sound stupid. But if I want I can remember things, almost like they are happening all over again. It's the same when I read. It just stays.

"Freedom is won by terrible sacrifice," I say.

"Always?" she says.

"Yes. Always." It's good to remind myself.

She takes in a big breath. "So if our freedom is ever threatened, President Clannan, how must we uphold what others have died to achieve?"

"We will fight just like my father and others did in the Great War," I say.

I look toward Utz and Tillo. If it came to it, we'd be on the same side for once. But only then.

"The United States is a city set on a hill," Elsie says from across the room.

"Your father…?"

"My mother says this. This country is a light that gives hope to the world. So we have to stand no matter what comes against us. Or the world will go down in darkness."

Teacher claps her hands. "My, my, my," she says with glee and the whole class is listening.

"Do you believe like your mother the patriot and your father the hero?" She looks from Elsie to me.

It's strange that she names our parents. Maman-a patriot? I picture George Washington, not my mom. But Miss Pat calls our father a hero. He would never call himself such. Would I?

"I agree with my father. On politics," I say.

"Oh," she laughs, "is there something you disagree with?"

I think of the whole topic of school. I think of the whole notion of farming. Much as I love the land, I'm not sure farming is the only way for a man to live and breathe. I think of how hard he drives us. He says he does it because he loves us and wants us to be good, God-fearing men. It's family. It's country.

And the new baby. And Maman.

Shaun. His…loss.

Otto's mule. They came on our land, and I'll go on theirs. I will.

And Sobe. I have already decided. I will save her.

"I'm not sure about all of it," I say. But I'm pretty sure. Dad would not always agree with me.

"Ah," Teacher says nodding. Her brows are up, and she looks too hard and long, and they are all looking now, and Tillo laughs behind his hand, and Utz smirks.

But not for long.

So it's finally after school and the rain, and the mud and Teacher has given us all kinds of work. I am leaving there conflicted about what this day has been like. Hard, but not my worst day.

I haven't had that yet. That's what I believe.

"Mr. Clannan," Teacher says from the doorway when we are nearly down the stairs.

I turn and look past Sobe, who now stands against the banister to get out of the way.

"Yes, Teacher?" I say. Most of the girls around here have their hair chopped off. Not my sisters and not Sobe. But Teacher has really short hair. Like a man's. I don't know what Maman will think of it.

And she wears a skirt but it's split I think. Split so there are legs trying to look like they are not legs. I don't think lady teachers can teach students while wearing britches but this one is something we've not seen around here before.

"When did you know your head was stuffed with more than pins and needles Mr. Clannan?"

I stare at her, no idea what she is talking about.

"Your father is on the school board," she says.

Since it's not a question, I stay quiet.

"I hope to meet him at this party of Sheriff Bell's," she says. "And your mother."

I nod and take my leave.

Sobe is coming along behind me. Others rush to speak to her about the party. Seems the whole school is invited. Or nearly so. Our whole class.

I walk to the pump house, and I put my books in there. Then I silently return to where Sobe is talking to other gaggles about the party, about costumes.

I tap Sobe's shoulder, and I take the books from her arms. The girls simper some and get the way girls get.

But I am a hero's son. And Maman has taught me manners.

In a few minutes, I am walking with Sobe. Very slowly.

"She likes you, Tonio," Sobe says. "She knows how smart you are."

I am proud Sobe thinks I am smart. I have not doubted that I am, but I've left that to Elsie. It's enough to carry Dad's dream of Clannan land sprouting Clannan seed until kingdom comes. I've no inclination to carry Maman's dream for a scholar along with it.

We talk about our strange new teacher, and we feel better then. I do—like I find my way back from the way things started this morning.

"Dad has been planning it," she says as we walk along. She's turned to talking about the party. "Well it was the widow's idea," she says as if I want to know the ins and outs. "She did the invitations."

That old prune, I think to myself, but I don't say it. But some of my former mood is returning.

"You hurt my feelings today," she is suddenly blurting. I don't know what else she's been saying. My mind has been drifting to other things. To thee thing.

"Tonio," she says, "aren't you my friend?"

"Me?" I say like there's someone else with us.

"You hurt…."

"I…Sobe." We stop there in the road. "I'm…can you forgive me?"

"Yes, of course, but I thought you were my friend…and…."

"I'm your friend, Sobe. That's the problem."

She is staring at me. I shift her books a little. Now I want to get this right, and I'm warning myself.

"All night I'm trying to think it out…will 'they' come for you?" I look around and lower my voice. "I guess I would get to school, and you wouldn't be here. And I'd run to your house, and you'd be gone."

That she doesn't fight this, tell me I'm crazy, makes me feel sick.

She is looking at me, and there is so much in her eyes, feelings like fear and…she makes me know it will happen. Just the way I've stated it.

"I wouldn't know where you went or if you were all right," I say. "Because I don't know who they are or if they've caught you or…how can I fight them…or watch for them?"

I can't say anymore. It's too strong in me. I'm going to hurt her feelings again.

"I'm sorry," she whispers.

"I can't ask for help," I say, and I want to stop, be better, sound better. But I've never felt like this, worried and angry and…at wit's end.

"I shouldn't have told you," she says.

Dad says to work a problem you cut it into the smallest pieces and lay it out and think what you can do to change one small part of it. And you fix one thing, then you fix another, then another. And after you've fixed all you can, you and your wife and your children, your dog and your cat, from sun-up to sun-down—after all that effort, you ask for help.

Maman says you pray.

I can't ask Sheriff for more information, and I can't ask Dad to show me how to break it apart like it's an engine on the tractor. Sobe was breaking the code to tell me. I'm thinking of ways to get her home where I can watch her. And next I know…she's having a party, but I can't think what we're celebrating when 'they' are out there.

I walk away then. Now that I've let some of it out, I feel like running and running and chopping down a tree or climbing one or something. But there's the milking. That's the push.

She catches up to me again. "I shouldn't have told you. It's not yours to fix, Tonio."

"You should have told me," I say. "I'm your friend so you should have told me."

"You're upset, and…it wasn't fair…it's hurting you."

"Take this," I say. I hold out my lunch. "You can have it." There is apple cake inside. From yesterday. Granma makes it, and Sobe loved it, and this morning Granma said she put a piece in for Sobe. And I looked at her, and I thought maybe she understood.

Sobe takes the bag and holds it with hers. She can't eat any more than I can.

"We're trying to be normal, Tonio—Dad and me. That's all," she says so sadly. "Dad thought it was a better start than…."

"When he threw me in jail?"

"He…he told me you're a fine young man."

"He said that?"

"Yes," she nods so eagerly.

"And Tillo and Utz, you don't even know…. Their father…. You don't even know. “I can't say, of course, how Otto Smith came on our land and clocked Shaun in the head. Clannan land where Maman sleeps and my Grandma and my sisters and Pee-Wee. Clannan land where the world cannot touch us, and where I hope to bring Sobe to keep her safe from 'them.'

"Does your father think to win those Smiths with a party?” I look around.

"I guess," she says staring at the ground. Then she does look up, and I can't look away. Such a feeling is in me.

"Sobe," I say. I wish I could hold her like I had the day before.

But of course, I cannot.

She has to give me some answers. I don't even know what's coming. I don't know if I should come back around and watch her house at night, I don't know if I should insist she come home with us, or if I should see if Michael is still trying to sell that pistol.

Well, that's what I don't know, but here's what I do—I am not very good at this.

"If he knew I'd told you as much as I have we'd be gone, Tonio. Do you hear me?" She is all out worried now.

"I won't tell. You couldn't beat it out of me," I say intensely.

"They are bad men," she says. "No more now."

"Do they look for you?"

She nods.

"What happens if they find you?" I say.

She shakes her head. "He would know. He would see it coming."

"You have to come on the farm. I could watch you there. You'd be safe. No one would find you there. You have to…."

She is shaking her head again. "Tonio. He's my dad. I wouldn't leave him. I couldn't leave my dad."

"But…."

"I couldn't. He keeps us safe, Tonio. He's…he's so much better now. But he needs me. I'm all he has."

Sobe's hand finds mine. She holds to me very tightly.

We look at one another. She is my America. For her…I would sacrifice. "Sobe, here's what I think. He was a lawman somewhere. He made enemies."