Deep Surrendering: Episode Six (4 page)

“You mean
Twilight
? You wrote
Twilight
fanfiction?”

“Yeah,” I said, and waited for him to laugh at me anyway. I’d also been a big fan of
Supernatural
fanfiction but had never written it.

“You can relax because I’m not going to laugh at you. But I am going to ask if I can read some of it,” he said.

I sputtered for a moment. What?

“You want to read it?” That thought had never even crossed my mind. No way. Never.

“Of course. I’d love to.”

“You, Fin Herald, would like to read my
Twilight
fanfiction.” I had to make sure this was actually happening.

“Yes. If you’d let me.”

I shook my head, and then I was the one laughing. I rolled onto my back and wiped my eyes because they’d started watering.

“What is so funny about that?” he asked. “I’m sure it’s good, if you wrote it.”

I was finally able to breathe through my laughter and get a handle on myself.

“No, it’s terrible. It’s so bad, Fin. I mean, some fanfiction is really good, but mine is not. I swear to you.” I grabbed a tissue from my bedside table and dabbed at my eyes. It probably was pretty terrible. I’d been in a purple prose appreciation phase and was also super angsty. Neither of those things made for good writing.

“I still want to read it. If you come to a show with me, you have to let me read one. Just one.”

I sighed and buried my head in my pillow.

I lifted my head and glared at him. He just gave me a pleading expression and clasped his hands together.

“Please?” He unclasped his hands and leaned closer to the camera, his eyes going dark. “I can make you show me.”

I inhaled shakily. Oh yes. He could, and I would think that it was all my idea.

“God, I’d let you get away with anything,” I whispered. In fact, I pretty much already had. Very few men would have been granted as much of a reprieve as Fin had. He was dangerous.

So dangerous to my heart.

I
ended up agreeing to let Fin see one of my fanfics, but not until he got back. And not until I edited it a little, but I didn’t tell him that part. I couldn’t believe I’d told him about that. It made me blush and want to die when I thought about it. At least he seemed to think it was cool. Or at least he didn’t think I was a weirdo.

Thinking about my fanfic past, I actually went to the site where I posted them years ago. I’d never taken them down, and they were still there in all their overwrought glory. I read the first line and then had to slam my laptop shut. It was just too much.

Things were going good with Fin. Well, as good as they could go. Our relationship was in a period of stasis, neither going back nor moving forward. We were stalled. It wasn’t bad, I just wished we were moving forward. My feelings for him had definitely deepened since he’d left. Somehow, that was possible. No idea how, but that was the power of Fin Herald. Making me care more and more deeply about him seemed to be his superpower.

My group was astounded with my work on the project, and I was voted to give our presentation. I didn’t mind, since presentations were one of my superpowers.

I fought the urge to call or message my father every day and ask about Mom. I didn’t want to bug him, but I wanted to know what was going on. It was hard to not know if she was okay.

I finally broke down and told Chloe. I just needed to talk to someone, and I didn’t want to burden Fin. She came over to my place and brought coffee and scones one afternoon when she’d gotten off of work early.

“So, I think something’s up with my mom. I don’t want to say it out loud, because I don’t even want to think it, but…” My chest had gotten tight, and I couldn’t breathe for a second.

Chloe rubbed my arm. “Hey, talk to me. What’s going on?”

I took a breath that didn’t make me feel better. “I think my mom is sick. I mean, I think she’s forgetting things. But she’s not that old, and she’s too young to be going through this. Dad won’t tell me anything. I went there last weekend, and she was taking a nap the whole time. My mother. Taking a nap.”

Chloe snorted. “I’m sorry. That’s not funny. But I can’t imagine your mother sleeping. I just figured she powered down every now and then, standing up. Like a robot. Or maybe she caught a few Zs in a coffin.” My mother did have a few vampiric traits, minus the fangs. This really wasn’t the time to think about the possibility of my mother being a vampire.

“So, what do you think it is?” she asked.

“Well, it either beings with a D or an A.” I watched Chloe think about that.

“Okay, got it. Yeah, I have no idea if she’s too young for that, but she has to be. I mean, that stuff happens to people who are in nursing homes. Your mother is nowhere near being ready to go into a home. They’d have to tranquilize her first.”

Now that made me laugh. Imagining some people in white coats trying to drag my mother off to a place where her only activities would be water ballet and eating mashed carrots. Yeah, that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon.

“You know, we really shouldn’t be laughing,” I said, feeling guilty. “I feel like shit. I mean, the past few years, the only thing I’ve done for my mother is give her enough reason to up her meds. Yeah, she drives me crazy, but I didn’t exactly make things easier on her. Things were so simple when I just didn’t call her, and when I did, I hung up as quickly as possible.”

Chloe rubbed my arm and I leaned against her.

“You’re not a terrible person. Hell, I would have cut her off years ago. That doesn’t sound right, but you know what I mean. And if your dad isn’t telling you anything, then I don’t know what you can do, short of knocking down their door or trying to hack into her medical records.”

I wasn’t going to do either of those things, but they were both tempting for a few seconds.

“I just don’t know what to do,” I said.

“What does Fin think?”

I sighed and put my empty coffee cup down on the table.

“I haven’t told him. He’s got enough problems already.” Darn, I didn’t mean to say that.

“Like with his job?” She munched on her scone and gave me a searching look. Shit, why did I say anything? I didn’t want to lie to her, but I couldn’t tell her about Fin.

“Yeah,” I said, and the lie wasn’t completely a lie. His job was part of the greater problem with his father.

“I can’t even imagine having to do all that traveling. I mean, it would probably be cool for, but after a while I’d just want to be in my own bed, you know?”

Fin probably felt the same way, even though he wouldn’t say it. His apartment was proof that he wasn’t nomadic on purpose.

Chloe started running her fingers through my hair. If I hadn’t just had a nice shot of caffeine I might have fallen asleep.

“But enough about me and my woes. How’s work?”

Chloe groaned and launched into a diatribe about her fellow employees and their lack of common sense and/or brain cells. I laughed with her, and then we decided to watch a movie.

“Oh,
Sleepless in Seattle
is on,” Chloe said. “You know I secretly love that movie but will never admit to it.” That was true. Chloe was a closet romantic movie fan. She railed against them in public, saying there wasn’t enough representation of non-white, non-straight couples. Sure, she had a point, but in secret? She loved them. I used to tease her about it, but I loved them too, so I couldn’t say much.

This movie made me think of Fin. He’d teased me about Tom Hanks. That gave me an idea, so I got my phone out and took a picture of the television screen and sent him a text.

Hanging out with my boyfriend Tom Hanks.

He responded immediately, but I couldn’t read it because Chloe grabbed the phone out of my hand.

“Hey!” I yelled, but she held it out of reach.

“Who are you texting while you are sitting here with your best friend, huh? Don’t you know that’s rude?” She grinned at me and waved the phone above my head. Damn her and her long arms. Finally she relented and handed it back to me.

“Fine. Text your stupid boyfriend.”

The word “boyfriend” made me stop for a second. Was Fin my boyfriend? I guess he was, for all intents and purposes. We were exclusively seeing each other with romantic intentions. If that wasn’t a boyfriend, then I didn’t know what was.

“He’s not my boyfriend,” I said, and then read the text.

Fin had sent me a picture of his laptop, where he must have pulled up the movie as well.

No, he’s MY boyfriend,
the text said.

I snorted and tried to think of a witty response.

I love Tom more than you ever could.

His response was fast again.

I can do things for Tom that you can’t even dream of.

I looked up because Chloe was snapping her fingers in front of my face.

“Want to share something with the class?”

I shook my head. “No, Fin is just being a dork.”

Chloe gave me a look and turned the volume of the movie up.

“Poor Meg Ryan. She used to be so hot and now her face is all messed up from plastic surgery. I totally would have banged her like this, though,” Chloe said. I sent Fin another text.

Tom will never love you the way he loves me.

We went back and forth like that for a while as Chloe talked about Meg Ryan’s many seductive qualities.

“Tom Hanks’ butt is not cute. I’m sorry, but it’s not. I think even if I was straight I wouldn’t think his butt was cute.” She turned her head to the side, as if she was trying to get a better view.

“Don’t you insult Tom Hanks in front of me. He is a legend, a gentleman, and a hottie,” I said, glaring. “If you have a problem with Tom Hanks then you can leave my home immediately.” I pointed to the door with a dramatic sweep of my arm.

“You’re ridiculous,” Chloe said, throwing a napkin at me. “And Tom is not hot.”

“Get out of my house!”

She just laughed at me.

F
in started working hard again and didn’t have much time to chat with me. I tried to take it in stride, but it was hard to not resent his job and his father.

I decided, one afternoon, that I should learn as much about the elder Mr. Herald as I could. I remembered a few things about him from my mother but nothing major. It wouldn’t be weird to look him up online. I wasn’t going to be hacking into his computer or anything. All the information was publicly available.